Post Divorce Breakup

[sickofgettinghurt]

Hello,

I was dating someone that I met online. We did the long distance thing for a long time. I lived in Southern CA and she lived in Northern CA. We were a total distance of about 4 hours apart.

 

After dating for a while, we agreed that I would move there so we could continue the relationship. We had a wonderful relationship, got along great, intimacy was great, communication was great. Basically a fairy tale relationship. She was going through a divorce when I met her and both she and her husband were amicable. They both wanted the divorce so things went smoothly.

 

About a month before her divorce was finalized, out of the blue she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to date me any longer. There were no red flags at that point and nothing in our relationship to want her to be away from me. She was very much in love with me, no doubts about that.

 

She asked if we could have a little bit of time apart. Since I moved for her, I didn't handle it well and said that we were done.

A couple of days later, I got on a dating site and noticed that she too was on there. That's when I started doubting her true feelings for me. Anyway, it has been about a month and a half since we have been apart. We have still been texting. She will not talk to me on the phone or meet me face to face saying it would make things difficult. Other than not meeting or talking, it seemed more to me like just time apart or that she was possibly just trying to be nice to me since I moved for her.

 

Last week, I thought I would flirt with her a little. We had several flirty texts and she finally said the real reason was that she did not want to be in a relationship right now, but that she would always care about me. She had a lot of my things and I had some of her things. I finally had enough and told her to come and get everything. I told her not to contact me again and that I was moving on. That was about a week ago and there has not been any further communication and quite frankly, I don't know that there will be any time soon.

 

I have read a lot of comments on the internet about people saying the so called "lines" she used were just that. I would say 90% of the time, that would be applicable. But when you factor in a LT marriage and the fact that she has kids, that is entirely a different situation. She said she wanted to figure herself out as an individual not tied to someone else. She is trying to get adjusted to a visitation schedule as well which she said was also hard on her.

 

I have given up at this point. I am not going to contact her, but my question is does this sound like I was just her rebound to get her through her divorce? Also, given the fact that she was clearly in love and still has feelings, is there any hope for a future? I understand that at this point, she is probably going out and meeting new guys, which I would rather her do now than discover later that she didn't take time to do a period of "discovery."

 

I am trying to date other girls, but I just don't have it in me. I would probably end up hurting someone and that is the last thing that I want to do....to me that is very selfish. I would rather hurt and heal now as I'm clearly not ready to give myself to someone else. I am not holding out for her, I just know I'm not ready.

 

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,

Tom

Edited December 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hi Tom,

 

How long were you long distance before you moved 4 hours away?

 

Yes, this sounds like a typical rebound relationship and is why you should never date someone who is "going through" a divorce/breakup and not fully healed from one (something you are doing yourself now, which is great.). She probably did have genuine feelings for you, but also, when the dust settled, realized that jumping right back into another committed relationship wasn't what she wanted. Maybe she also lost some feelings after you moved and you were spending more time together? Maybe she started to feel like you weren't as compatible as she thought? Having you 4 hours away was a REALLY good way to keep her ego fed without having to put in time and effort to making sure the other person is happy and the relationship is healthy.....

[sickofgettinghurt]

Hello CautiouslyOptimistic,

 

We were together for 3 months before I moved. I'll admit that even that is too soon, but sometimes only the two people who are emotionally/romantically involved make sense of irrational decisions.

 

I don't think she lost any feelings after I moved. We were very compatible and never had any arguments. She broke things off a month after I moved and the feelings were very strong. This was about a month before her divorce was finalized and also when she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to date anymore. What is strange is that I never heard the words "It's over, I don't love you, there is no future for us, etc." Every time I have tried to let go and say goodbye by saying I wish you well or wish you the best in life, she never replies.

 

She had several of my things and I had some of her things. She never mentioned returning those items, but after a month of texting after the breakup I asked her to please bring my things back. I kind of feel bad but I also returned something that she got me for my birthday. I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings by that, I just figured she could sell it. I think what hurts the most is that she was out dating the day after she picked her things up.

 

The only hope that I held on to this whole time was that it wasn't like a typical breakup. Every time I would text her, she would always text back almost immediately. But when I would ask her to meet for lunch, she would always say "I think it would be too hard." She also would not talk on the phone.

 

I forgot to mention that she is dating someone and I am just sick about it. I honestly feel now that all hope is lost. I'm not waiting on her, but I'm also not moving on with someone else. I am moving on emotionally, but I don't have it in me to date. It bothers me, even though she has the right to do so, that she can just move on so easily. Just last week she was saying that she missed our intimate moments, but that dwelling on them isn't going to make matters any better.

 

I don't know, I've taken this really personally. I keep hoping that she will come back even though I told her out of anger not to contact me again. If she truly loved me (which I have no doubts that she did), do you think she will come back and how long does it normally take to realize that?

[ExpatInItaly]

So you were only together around 4 months? I ask because the way you talk about it makes it sounds this was a much longer relationship. Correct me if I've got the timeline wrong, though.

 

Unfortunately, I think that while she liked you, she was indeed rebounding and not ready for something so serious. Yes, I would agree you two really rushed things. You made quite a big decision based on only 3 months of dating, which is too soon. You don't really know the other person at that point, regardless of how much you like them. It simply is not enough time for true, deep love and knowledge of the other person to have developed. This is the sad consequence of jumping in with both feet.

 

Based on what you wrote, a lot of this does sound like a typical break-up. Dumpers will often respond to dumpees, if only to soothe their own guilty conscience for hurting the other person. They don't have the same level of emotional investment at the time of the break-up, so it's easier for them to continue communicating as friends. This isn't so unusual, though it sure is confusing to the dumpee.

 

I know it's hard not to take it personally, but I don't think it's about you as a person. She is in a different phase of her life and wants to date around. For your own well-being, you need to cut contact with her. She is not on the same page as you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It bothers me, even though she has the right to do so, that she can just move on so easily.

 

Loveshack.org would be a billion dollar entity if it received a nickel for every time a poster said this. It's a very natural feeling to have, but it never gets a satisfying "answer." There are also never any "answers" about whether or not there's a chance she'll come back to you.

 

She may be "dating" right now but still not getting into a relationship. It sounds like it's way too soon for her to do so.

[sickofgettinghurt]

So you were only together around 4 months? I ask because the way you talk about it makes it sounds this was a much longer relationship. Correct me if I've got the timeline wrong, though.

 

Unfortunately, I think that while she liked you, she was indeed rebounding and not ready for something so serious. Yes, I would agree you two really rushed things. You made quite a big decision based on only 3 months of dating, which is too soon. You don't really know the other person at that point, regardless of how much you like them. It simply is not enough time for true, deep love and knowledge of the other person to have developed. This is the sad consequence of jumping in with both feet.

 

Based on what you wrote, a lot of this does sound like a typical break-up. Dumpers will often respond to dumpees, if only to soothe their own guilty conscience for hurting the other person. They don't have the same level of emotional investment at the time of the break-up, so it's easier for them to continue communicating as friends. This isn't so unusual, though it sure is confusing to the dumpee.

 

I know it's hard not to take it personally, but I don't think it's about you as a person. She is in a different phase of her life and wants to date around. For your own well-being, you need to cut contact with her. She is not on the same page as you.

 

 

You are correct that it was a total of 4 months. I am so frustrated with myself for letting myself believe that this move was worth it. Anyway, I have been on the other side of a rebound relationship before. I got into a relationship and quickly realized that I did not love that person. However, I broke up with her and never talked to her again. This has been just a little bit different. She clearly loved me and said she still does (it has been a little over a month since the breakup.)

 

She almost agreed to meeting up a couple of weeks ago. And then just last week, we became very flirtatious with one another only to have the conversation end with "I don't want to be in a relationship right now, it's not you." That's when I told her to not contact me again and asked her to get her things.

 

I have not contacted her for a week and it's seemed like an eternity. Do you think the cutting of contact might help her to realize what she had or are you just saying to cut contact ONLY for my well being?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are correct that it was a total of 4 months. I am so frustrated with myself for letting myself believe that this move was worth it. Anyway, I have been on the other side of a rebound relationship before. I got into a relationship and quickly realized that I did not love that person. However, I broke up with her and never talked to her again. This has been just a little bit different. She clearly loved me and said she still does (it has been a little over a month since the breakup.)

 

She almost agreed to meeting up a couple of weeks ago. And then just last week, we became very flirtatious with one another only to have the conversation end with "I don't want to be in a relationship right now, it's not you." That's when I told her to not contact me again and asked her to get her things.

 

I have not contacted her for a week and it's seemed like an eternity. Do you think the cutting of contact might help her to realize what she had or are you just saying to cut contact ONLY for my well being?

 

She sounds like a woman who actually has no clue what she wants, which is typical/understandable just after divorce.

 

Are you in a position to be able to move back to Southern CA?

[sickofgettinghurt]

She sounds like a woman who actually has no clue what she wants, which is typical/understandable just after divorce.

 

Are you in a position to be able to move back to Southern CA?

 

Haha, that's the impression that I have sensed as well. When I pull away, she always checks in on me. Well probably not now since I told her not to contact me. I thought it was strange that she wanted to see a pic of the girl I was going on a date with.

 

One thing I failed to mention early in the post. She had been on several dates before I met her, but I was just her first "post" divorce relationship. It's so weird that we were texting intimate things just last week. I actually thought we were getting somewhere because she said it was turning her on and that she missed it. Then wham, I'll always care about you but I don't want a relationship right now.

 

Also, if she's looking to date around, why stay at a guy's house the whole weekend? She didn't start dating (the very next day) until I broke contact and made her get her things. Sorry, it's a small town.

 

No, I can't move back because I accepted a 6 figure salary once I moved here. I mean technically I could move, but it's a good job.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why are you two talking about who you are dating? How do you know she spent the weekend with someone else?

[sickofgettinghurt]

Why are you two talking about who you are dating? How do you know she spent the weekend with someone else?

 

She asked me if I had any dates planned. I am making an assumption on her spending the weekend with someone else. I can literally see her house from my house and she hasn't been home all weekend.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She asked me if I had any dates planned. I am making an assumption on her spending the weekend with someone else. I can literally see her house from my house and she hasn't been home all weekend.

 

Oh geez. Do you have a lease? Can you move?

[sickofgettinghurt]

Oh geez. Do you have a lease? Can you move?

 

Nope, can't move. I'm a smart person, but this was a VERY DUMB decision. Hurts even worse that she shows no remorse for my sacrifice for moving and now dating someone else (again an assumption, but again I'm not stupid).

[alterest]

She asked me if I had any dates planned. I am making an assumption on her spending the weekend with someone else. I can literally see her house from my house and she hasn't been home all weekend.

 

You can simply just don't answer that kind of question. Just say: "Look, and don't get me wrong, I really feel uncomfortable talking about this subject with you".

 

About see her house, try to avoid it. I know that is pretty hard because she lives on the house in front of yours, but put some curtains, move your things so you don't need to see so often that window. If you can move from there, move. Much pain watching that.

[sickofgettinghurt]

You can simply just don't answer that kind of question. Just say: "Look, and don't get me wrong, I really feel uncomfortable talking about this subject with you".

 

About see her house, try to avoid it. I know that is pretty hard because she lives on the house in front of yours, but put some curtains, move your things so you don't need to see so often that window. If you can move from there, move. Much pain watching that.

 

True, I should have said that. Here's a question. It seemed as though things were not truly over with us (she has never once said we are done). She still had all of my things and we were open about everything. She did say she had no desire to meet anybody, but who knows. She just keeps saying not right now. But it seems as though the not right now essentially means let me see if I can't find something better.

 

Ok, to my question. Since it seemed as though things were not over, did I make a mistake of having her bring my things back? She gave me a gift as well and I returned that over much debate. Once she brought my things back is when she started disappearing (i.e. dating in my mind). I did tell her about 2 weeks ago that I would wait for her, but it just got WAY too frustrating.

[alterest]

True, I should have said that. Here's a question. It seemed as though things were not truly over with us (she has never once said we are done). She still had all of my things and we were open about everything. She did say she had no desire to meet anybody, but who knows. She just keeps saying not right now. But it seems as though the not right now essentially means let me see if I can't find something better.

 

Ok, to my question. Since it seemed as though things were not over, did I make a mistake of having her bring my things back? She gave me a gift as well and I returned that over much debate. Once she brought my things back is when she started disappearing (i.e. dating in my mind). I did tell her about 2 weeks ago that I would wait for her, but it just got WAY too frustrating.

 

Uhh, I see. Well, look, you really need to stabilish what you both have. If you need, talk to her and ask what are you having right now. For what you said, I really think that you both are done, but you said that not even you know.

My two cents, get out of it. She keeps telling you that you both are not done YET. I was in the same spot as you a month ago and I agree to be in that and you know what? I'm single and broken heart right now. She made everything, said a bunch of crap and I kept swallowed it. I get nothing with that, only misery. She put me in a purgatory always telling me that we are different and that she think about us a lot. Don't get me wrong, but you will only suffer with this kind of situation. If someone wants to be with you, so be it. If the person don't know, just break up and let the person decide what the hell she/he wants. I know you are in pain and with lot of anxiety, cause I felt it too.

 

I don't think you commted a mistake. For outside looker you both are no longer together anyway, but her gift could be an apologize. Why did you return it, btw?

[sickofgettinghurt]

Uhh, I see. Well, look, you really need to stabilish what you both have. If you need, talk to her and ask what are you having right now. For what you said, I really think that you both are done, but you said that not even you know.

My two cents, get out of it. She keeps telling you that you both are not done YET. I was in the same spot as you a month ago and I agree to be in that and you know what? I'm single and broken heart right now. She made everything, said a bunch of crap and I kept swallowed it. I get nothing with that, only misery. She put me in a purgatory always telling me that we are different and that she think about us a lot. Don't get me wrong, but you will only suffer with this kind of situation. If someone wants to be with you, so be it. If the person don't know, just break up and let the person decide what the hell she/he wants. I know you are in pain and with lot of anxiety, cause I felt it too.

 

I don't think you commted a mistake. For outside looker you both are no longer together anyway, but her gift could be an apologize. Why did you return it, btw?

 

Sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing. You're right, it is pain and misery.

I returned the gift because I would have ended up throwing it away out of frustration (it was a shirt). She got it for me for my birthday. I figured she could at least get some of her money back out of it. But I feel REALLY bad about it. I had no ill intentions. I honestly didn't want to keep it. I got rid of every tangible memory...just wish the emotional memories were that easy to get rid of. I just hope it didn't hurt her feelings because that was not my intention.