Latina girl/white guy -- did he overreact?

[MidwestUSA]

If I still have feelings can this be repaired? Should I even bother, or too volatile a man?

 

He's hardly volatile, and no, it can't be repaired.

 

Has he stopped messaging you?

[BarbedFenceRider]

And herein lies the problem....

OP wanted a white knight that will be sensitive to her environment and culture. The ex wants a Faith based relationship with a latina like Sophia Vergara and the sensibilities of TV americana.

The truth is, between both of them, there was none... She was obstinate and vapid. While condescending and inconsistent. He was delusional into thinking this relationship was to be faith based and honest, while short tempered and impatient. (Typical nice-guy sucker)

Oh well, chalk this one up to the books as Hollywood is nowhere near real life, and to imitate as much leaves all disappointed.

[bkLatina718]

No.

 

I don't think it's his volatility at all--I think it's your "use a sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach here that did the lion's share of the damage. Remember: you weren't on the receiving end of it, so you can't speak to how you came across, certainly not for him.

 

 

 

He used the sledgehammer not me. Saying "I'm done with you" in a pretty harsh tone. After I said you're not my man, which was a reminder that we weren't "officially" together. Which could have been more tactful but the essence was true.

 

 

You have to talk and communicate in an adult relationship. That was so unnecessary. The reaction didn't meet the infraction.

[MidwestUSA]

He used the sledgehammer not me. Saying "I'm done with you" in a pretty harsh tone. After I said you're not my man, which was a reminder that we weren't "officially" together. Which could have been more tactful but the essence was true.

 

 

You have to talk and communicate in an adult relationship. That was so unnecessary. The reaction didn't meet the infraction.

 

In your eyes, it didn't. In his, it did. Respect the difference and move on.

[Yosemite]

 

You guys keep giving me answers based on taste/preference. I'm more interested in truth, and that doesn't seem like it's being addressed.

 

What truth? I’m genuinely trying to understand so that I help you. But it seems like when you say "truth" you mean that you want someone to tell you that the sexy dress photo, saying the dog pic violated your purity, saying that you would cheat, and saying you’re not my man was perfectly fine. And it wasn’t. There hasn’t been one person in this thread who agreed with you. That should tell you that you made some mistakes and you owe this guy an apology. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you made some mistakes.

 

 

He ended things before after he said he was doing his taxes one Friday night and didn't call me for a few days. I didn't believe him, but sent me a screenshot confirming he was.... Went to bed early and worked the next morning. After a few days of discussions/arguing he said "I'm exhausted" and broke things off the first time.... The second time was the same old, patterned behavior from him.... Scared to commit.

 

He wasn’t scared to commit; he was tired of your drama, baseless accusations, and hypocritical behavior. My advice to you is to listen to his words. He said he was exhausted after arguing with you non-stop for a few days. Who wouldn’t be? That’s not scared to commit, that’s fed up with your drama. Did you apologize for accusing him of cheating?

 

Your problem is that you believe words are meaningless. So when he says he's exhausted from arguing with you, you ignore it and invent your own reasons for his actions because words mean nothing to you. The problem is everyone else uses words to communicate and they choose a specific word based on that word's meaning in order to precisely convey a certain message. That's a foreign concept to you which is why you don't listen to what he says and need us to help you understand his Xmas email.

 

My advice: pay attention to the words that people use and believe that that person means what they say unless they have previously been caught in a lie.

 

How old are you? How long was your first marriage?

[healing light]

I've read this whole thread and it's very odd to me. I think this guy is being completely straight forward and communicative, and that his letter to you was very sweet, loving, and explanatory.

 

I do not understand what it is that you are missing or finding hurtful, other than not being able to reflect on how your communication is coming across as contradictory and inconsistent. So much so, that I have no idea what person could tow the line with you to make a relationship last.

 

This has nothing to do with race, this has to do with a basic lack of awareness of how your comments can be interpreted. I am not intending to be harsh here, I'm trying to be genuinely helpful.

 

When you tell someone with a vested stake in you that "you're not my man!" after half a year+ of courtship, thousands of dollars spent, late nights, etc. when he's pointing out a behavior that's hurtful or confusing to him--when he's trying to communicate with you--that comes across as very cold and as a breakup, like all this time you were never serious about dating him. So he shouts back in defense that he's done with you, as you just completely discarded him as a partner. I feel like you're expecting him to mind read that what you really meant was, "You shouldn't comment on the way that I dress because we're not official yet" (even though I think he was trying to reconcile the things you say with the things you do, and that it was less about the dress itself).

 

But almost no one, imo, would glean that's what you meant by what you said, especially with someone who has had conversations about the future with you and asked about your long-term intentions. In his mind you are already a couple and solidifying things by meeting your parents would be a formality, but according to your statement he probably felt like he was nothing to you. That he was wasting his time and money when you didn't see him as a partner at all. And then you had given fire to this line of thinking by telling him previously that you wouldn't tie yourself to someone [who didn't French kiss you] and would cheat if he didn't give you what you want--like he's completely disposable to you, a means to an end.

 

Yet sending a video of a dog is violating your purity? Can you see how this is so confusing--to anyone! Not just a white guy. I'm sure it would be confusing to every race.

 

Somehow when he's being completely transparent in his letter, trying to end things on a good note by letting you know how much you're loved, you find offense and ulterior motives? Yet you don't see how basic things you've said can and would be interpreted (by most people, imo) as offensive? Even in this thread, it took several posts before relevant information started to come out that gave us the context that was missing. And that's how I find some of your statements--you're expecting him to read into the context of what you meant--but what's actually stated is very different and wildly open to misinterpretation.

[act00]

I have to agree with others, OP. You find his words harsh and out of proportion yet refuse to accept the fact that your own words (and actions) are extremely harsh and out of proportion. Everyone is saying the exact same thing, and you keep coming back that what you say/do is insignificant while he was so cruel...do you ever LISTEN??

 

I think he was kind and his words were not harsh or extreme. Between the constant arguing, accusations, inconsistent behavior, and the harsh words you said to him that basically made him feel disposable, of course he's done with you. It hurts to hear, but it was in no way an overreaction on his part. He realized he just cannot deal with what you're dishing. He can't walk on eggshells anymore. He can't live a life where he is constantly having to defend himself. He can't be with a woman who cannot accept compromise or admit she was wrong.

 

Words can cut deep and take longer to heal...sometimes they never heal...so think long and hard before you lash out with your first thought and act of defiance. Choose better wording. Take a breath and THINK about what you're saying. Think about your actions. A woman who has her keester hanging out in a short dress does not get to complain about her purity over a dog in the bathroom during a shower picture.

[BlueIvy]

If a man told me he would cheat, I would dump him ASAP. Especially if he states he has strong morals but next minute said he would cheat. I would think his morals aren’t as strong as he claims. And to me, they aren’t just words. Why say something like that and you don’t mean it?

[stillafool]

If I still have feelings can this be repaired? Should I even bother, or too volatile a man?

 

No it can't. You should move on because he's tired of the drama.

[kendahke]

He used the sledgehammer not me. Saying "I'm done with you" in a pretty harsh tone. After I said you're not my man, which was a reminder that we weren't "officially" together. Which could have been more tactful but the essence was true.

 

 

You have to talk and communicate in an adult relationship. That was so unnecessary. The reaction didn't meet the infraction.

 

You know what? All of your excuses are flimsy and he doesn't owe you anything. You took a 2x4 to a hornet's nest and now you want to complain about getting stung.

 

Next time, don't let your mouth write checks your feelings can't cash.

[bkLatina718]

He's hardly volatile, and no, it can't be repaired.

 

Has he stopped messaging you?

 

He messaged me a few days ago saying how much he cared about me, took all those things I said about my past to heart, and that, even if things didn't work out between us, he would always be there for me....

 

So I went to the police and filed a harassment report against him earlier. They called him and he won't be reaching out anymore.

[MidwestUSA]

He messaged me a few days ago saying how much he cared about me, took all those things I said about my past to heart, and that, even if things didn't work out between us, he would always be there for me....

 

So I went to the police and filed a harassment report against him earlier. They called him and he won't be reaching out anymore.

 

 

What?

 

Then why on earth were you here asking if the door might still be open? Were you just waiting for this chance to smack him down again?

 

Talk about volatile. This poor guy dodged a bullet.

[William]

Looks like this one has run it's course so we'll go ahead and close up shop.

 

Thank you for all the replies. ~T