Latina girl/white guy -- did he overreact?

December 10, 2017

I would leave you too if you said something like that. You destroyed the trust.

December 10, 2017

So do you. Like his need for you to mean the words you say and not say insensitive things just for the heck of it. He didn’t say he wouldn’t French kiss but because he said that he didn’t see the point, you said that you would cheat on him. Can you not see how your reaction was completely out of proportion to the conversation and was very hurtful?  

It’s not ridiculous, you said that he wasn’t your man. Basically breaking it off with him because he called you out on your mixed signals. And, sorry, but I agree with him. How on earth can you claim that a picture of a dog in a bath as a spa joke violates your purity but you sticking your butt out while in a sexy dress doesn’t. You’re being inconsistent. You need to take a look at your words and actions and how much you contradict yourself. Ask yourself how you would feel if he said to you the things that you said to him in the way that you said them. I’m betting you would have a meltdown considering that you think his Xmas email is rude when what you’ve told us that you’ve said to him is about 100 times worse.

You need to understand that words are powerful and there is always more than one way to say the same thing. There’s a kind way and a rude way. And if you choose to say things in a rude way, you have to accept the consequences of that choice which is hurting people’s feelings. You can call it being real or keeping it 100, but the fact is, you speak in a very rude way and want to pretend that it’s his fault when he has a problem with it.

Find someone else who speaks as rudely as you do or try speak more politely to the person whose feelings are supposed to matter more to you than anyone else’s.

Okay, so if words matter then why not talk about his frustrations with me? Why toss away 6+ months of a relationship because you're unwilling or incapable of communicating?

When we broke up, I was scheduled to visit him in 2 weeks. He said my visit wouldn't alleviate any of his concerns, would hurt me more if we spent the weekend cuddling and having fun. Plus didn't want to hurt my family by meeting them and letting them down. But again, why not have a conversation as couples do?

His point is there was no trust and respect on my end, which can't be built through just words. Therefore "conversation" only goes so far.

And he made it about money too, which I didn't like. He was spending a lot to visit me (plus he paid my hotel room to see him, which the break-up prevented) which was fine. And traveled to see me. But he said "why am I spending all this time/money visiting if you're not showing me any respect", which was a gross overreaction in my book.

December 10, 2017

Okay, so if words matter then why not talk about his frustrations with me? Why toss away 6+ months of a relationship because you're unwilling or incapable of communicating?

When we broke up, I was scheduled to visit him in 2 weeks. He said my visit wouldn't alleviate any of his concerns, would hurt me more if we spent the weekend cuddling and having fun. Plus didn't want to hurt my family by meeting them and letting them down. But again, why not have a conversation as couples do?

His point is there was no trust and respect on my end, which can't be built through just words. Therefore "conversation" only goes so far.

And he made it about money too, which I didn't like. He was spending a lot to visit me (plus he paid my hotel room to see him, which the break-up prevented) which was fine. And traveled to see me. But he said "why am I spending all this time/money visiting if you're not showing me any respect", which was a gross overreaction in my book.

This is all negated by the fact you told him that you'd cheat on him. You showed yourself as having low morals and therefore, are not long term material.

Some things you talk through. Other things, like the fact that you'd cheat on him are automatic deal breakers.

December 10, 2017

Sorry... but you come across as immature in how you write.

I would have dumped and blocked you after the cheating comment tbh.

December 13, 2017

Okay, so if words matter then why not talk about his frustrations with me? Why toss away 6+ months of a relationship because you're unwilling or incapable of communicating?

He did, but it seems like every time he tries to talk to you, you say something even more rude. He tried to talk to you about all your inconsistencies (a dog pic violates your purity but butt sticking out doesn’t) and what was your reaction? You’re not my man. You didn’t say, “OK, I see what you mean. Yeah sticking my butt out was kind of over the top, I guess I just got caught up in the moment. My mistake.”

His point is there was no trust and respect on my end, which can't be built through just words. Therefore "conversation" only goes so far.

You don’t speak to him with respect and it sounds like your actions don’t match your words (claiming that morality is important to you and then threatening to cheat) (claiming to be chaste and then sticking your butt out in a sexy dress) so he doesn’t feel he can trust you. When he tries to talk to you about it, you let the insults fly. Conversation can’t solve everything, but your actions matching your words and speaking kindly with respect goes a long way to building respect and trust in a relationship.

And he made it about money too, which I didn't like. He was spending a lot to visit me (plus he paid my hotel room to see him, which the break-up prevented) which was fine. And traveled to see me. But he said "why am I spending all this time/money visiting if you're not showing me any respect", which was a gross overreaction in my book.

He said that because a person feels like a fool when they spend money on someone who speaks to them rudely and treats them with disrespect. Like I said before, if you choose to speak rudely to people, you have to accept the consequences of that choice. He told you that the consequence is him feeling disrespected. You don’t get to decide that that’s a gross overreaction. That’s how he feels when you talk to him the way that you do and I don’t blame him.

If you want to get things back on track with this guy, I would respond to his Xmas email with a genuine apology, but only if you are willing to change the way you speak to him. If not, just leave it alone because you two aren’t a good fit.

December 13, 2017

I'm surprised this guy hasn't blocked you from contacting him by now. Your comments to him are rude and off the wall. Stay away from each other (which he is trying to do) and move on to someone who communicates the way you do.

December 17, 2017

I'm surprised this guy hasn't blocked you from contacting him by now. Your comments to him are rude and off the wall. Stay away from each other (which he is trying to do) and move on to someone who communicates the way you do.

Can you please elaborate?

When he called me about the photo, I reminded him that we weren't officially together until he met my family in three weeks. Hence he technically wasn't my man and therefore was out of bounds commenting on how to dress.

After I said that he said "I'm done with you!" in a pretty harsh tone. Not yelling but harsh.... Completely slammed the door on me like that. I think that's immature not having a dialogue like adults do.

December 17, 2017

He did, but it seems like every time he tries to talk to you, you say something even more rude. He tried to talk to you about all your inconsistencies (a dog pic violates your purity but butt sticking out doesn’t) and what was your reaction? You’re not my man. You didn’t say, “OK, I see what you mean. Yeah sticking my butt out was kind of over the top, I guess I just got caught up in the moment. My mistake.”

You don’t speak to him with respect and it sounds like your actions don’t match your words (claiming that morality is important to you and then threatening to cheat) (claiming to be chaste and then sticking your butt out in a sexy dress) so he doesn’t feel he can trust you. When he tries to talk to you about it, you let the insults fly. Conversation can’t solve everything, but your actions matching your words and speaking kindly with respect goes a long way to building respect and trust in a relationship.

He said that because a person feels like a fool when they spend money on someone who speaks to them rudely and treats them with disrespect. Like I said before, if you choose to speak rudely to people, you have to accept the consequences of that choice. He told you that the consequence is him feeling disrespected. You don’t get to decide that that’s a gross overreaction. That’s how he feels when you talk to him the way that you do and I don’t blame him.

If you want to get things back on track with this guy, I would respond to his Xmas email with a genuine apology, but only if you are willing to change the way you speak to him. If not, just leave it alone because you two aren’t a good fit.

Again I think you're missing the point: the guy was looking for a reason to escape and found it in a harmless photo. Showing a little booty in a picture with family (sister/cousin) meant for family is not grounds for ending a relationship. We're adults here. If it's a problem, let's talk about it.

In Latino culture that's just the way women dress and act. If you can't accept that, then there's obviously a culture difference.

December 17, 2017

Again I think you're missing the point: the guy was looking for a reason to escape and found it in a harmless photo. Showing a little booty in a picture with family (sister/cousin) meant for family is not grounds for ending a relationship. We're adults here. If it's a problem, let's talk about it.

In Latino culture that's just the way women dress and act. If you can't accept that, then there's obviously a culture difference.

He's well within his rights to end things if the cultural difference, and your response to his concerns, violates his 'purity code'. That's really all you need to know. No amount of talking is likely to resolve those differences; it seems like you're determined to dig your heels in even further. Would he be 'in bounds' commenting on the way you dress if you were officially together, and he'd met your family? I think not. Are you willing to settle for someone with his views on French kissing? I think not.

Time to move on. Best of luck in the future.

December 17, 2017

He's well within his rights to end things if the cultural difference, and your response to his concerns, violates his 'purity code'. That's really all you need to know. No amount of talking is likely to resolve those differences; it seems like you're determined to dig your heels in even further. Would he be 'in bounds' commenting on the way you dress if you were officially together, and he'd met your family? I think not. Are you willing to settle for someone with his views on French kissing? I think not.

Time to move on. Best of luck in the future.

Okay, but why such an accusatory tone towards me?

December 17, 2017

Well, what irritated me about the photo is he was so indifferent. He said "you can do whatever you want" and was so dismissive, like he didn't care.

When we first started dating, he sent me a video of the shower running with his dog laying on the floor (back against the tub). He was not in the video, thought it was funny because it was like the dog was in a spa. But I told him not to send me that kinda stuff because it violates my purity....

So the guy says that I'm giving mixed signals and being inconsistent. I guess that was the issue with the photo. Personally I don't see the point.

A video of a dog violates your purity yet telling a guy that you’d cheat on him doesn’t?? Erm good job he got away from you.

December 17, 2017

Okay, but why such an accusatory tone towards me?

I really don't know. Maybe he's frustrated, disappointed? You pointed out that he wasn't your man, and he didn't take it well.

December 17, 2017

I really don't know. Maybe he's frustrated, disappointed? You pointed out that he wasn't your man, and he didn't take it well.

And he sends me stuff like this, as if this isn't super hurtful:

Just remember that although I'm hurt and upset, it doesn't mean I would EVER want you to experience lasting suffering of any kind. I want you to always remember that somewhere in the world is a man that believed you were capable, smart, beautiful, worthy of respect.

December 17, 2017

Again I think you're missing the point: the guy was looking for a reason to escape and found it in a harmless photo.

I’m not missing any point. If you can’t explain the situation accurately, blame yourself, not me.

If he didn’t want to be with you, he didn’t want to be with you. He wouldn't need to make up an imaginary reason to dump you, he would just dump you. I don’t think he was looking for a reason to leave, I think he couldn’t handle your disrespect, inconsistency and rudeness anymore.

(BTW, it’s pretty funny that you say that he needed to “escape” from his relationship with you. Like you were holding him hostage or something. I’m not being sarcastic, it just makes me chuckle.)

Showing a little booty in a picture with family (sister/cousin) meant for family is not grounds for ending a relationship.

That’s your opinion, he disagrees. If you mean your butt was hanging out of the dress that’s even more reason for him to dump you. Just because you do something risqué around family doesn’t make it OK. Would kissing random guys be OK as long as your sister and cousin were there? No, so sticking your butt out isn’t OK either.

BTW, I don’t think that the picture itself was a big deal, I think it was the last straw for him. Your inconsistent and contradictory behavior had built up and built up and then he tried to talk to you about the picture and you started with the insults.

If it's a problem, let's talk about it.

He has tried to talk to you about it. You told us that…it’s like you don’t want to admit you made some mistakes. No one’s perfect, everyone makes mistakes. When you make a mistake, the best response is to acknowledge it, apologize, and not repeat it. Denying, deflecting, and blaming others makes it worse, which is the lesson you should take away from this situation.

You would probably still be in a relationship with this guy if you had admitted you made some mistakes and sincerely apologized.

In Latino culture that's just the way women dress and act. If you can't accept that, then there's obviously a culture difference.

Don’t blame this on being Latina. Unless you know every single Latino person, you can not say whether they would all be OK with you exposing your butt in a sexy dress. But if you believe that’s true, then it sounds like you’re saying that you (you as in BKLatina718) shouldn’t date outside of your race. So, I guess you need to look for a Latino guy next time.

BTW, what does BK stand for.

December 18, 2017

I’m not missing any point. If you can’t explain the situation accurately, blame yourself, not me.

If he didn’t want to be with you, he didn’t want to be with you. He wouldn't need to make up an imaginary reason to dump you, he would just dump you. I don’t think he was looking for a reason to leave, I think he couldn’t handle your disrespect, inconsistency and rudeness anymore.

(BTW, it’s pretty funny that you say that he needed to “escape” from his relationship with you. Like you were holding him hostage or something. I’m not being sarcastic, it just makes me chuckle.)

That’s your opinion, he disagrees. If you mean your butt was hanging out of the dress that’s even more reason for him to dump you. Just because you do something risqué around family doesn’t make it OK. Would kissing random guys be OK as long as your sister and cousin were there? No, so sticking your butt out isn’t OK either.

BTW, I don’t think that the picture itself was a big deal, I think it was the last straw for him. Your inconsistent and contradictory behavior had built up and built up and then he tried to talk to you about the picture and you started with the insults.

He has tried to talk to you about it. You told us that…it’s like you don’t want to admit you made some mistakes. No one’s perfect, everyone makes mistakes. When you make a mistake, the best response is to acknowledge it, apologize, and not repeat it. Denying, deflecting, and blaming others makes it worse, which is the lesson you should take away from this situation.

You would probably still be in a relationship with this guy if you had admitted you made some mistakes and sincerely apologized.

Don’t blame this on being Latina. Unless you know every single Latino person, you can not say whether they would all be OK with you exposing your butt in a sexy dress. But if you believe that’s true, then it sounds like you’re saying that you (you as in BKLatina718) shouldn’t date outside of your race. So, I guess you need to look for a Latino guy next time.

BTW, what does BK stand for.

BK = Brooklyn.

You guys keep giving me answers based on taste/preference. I'm more interested in truth, and that doesn't seem like it's being addressed.

Moreover what about messages he's sent me. How hurtful they are... What is he saying!?!?!?:

You asked if I was serious and ready for a relationship as we held hands in Starbucks back in the spring. I looked you in the eyes and said yes -- meant every word of it, right hand to God. And I think my efforts to visit, introduce you to family, sacrifice my sleep schedule to talk each night, draw up plans for when you visit, etc. etc. etc. reflected that serious commitment.

And the fact I'm still writing, almost 5 months later, point in that direction too.

To be honest I just feel like I was kinda played. Particularly during a vulnerable part of my life where I actually DID let my guard down and try to let the process unfold. The same girl who held my hand, expressed a desire to build something real (and lasting), then tossed out the idea of cheating. Like I'm her little plaything and not a thinking and feeling adult. How do you reconcile those contradictions, consider that acceptable dialogue in a relationship?

Moreover, to my face you suggested a harmless video of (his dog) laying in front of the shower "violated your purity". Yet behind my back you think it's acceptable to to post alluring photos for all your contacts -- then slap me with "you're not my man" when I express concern about it.

The bottom line is: there was no appreciation or gratitude because things came too easy on your end. And that would've only gotten worse, I think, had I moved and tailored my entire life around you and your needs. If you have questions about someone being faithful, the worse thing ever is to have unequal stake.....

Yet all the pain I've tried to channel towards productive things. I don't think you're a bad person deep down, nor stained from some past issues (I really wanna make that point clear: you're still worthy and will never, ever be viewed unfavorably because of events frm childhood had zero control over; even the overthinker like me didn't see you in that light.....

.....Just remember that although I'm hurt and upset, it doesn't mean I would EVER want you to experience lasting suffering of any kind. Two things can be true at once: you can be hard and push someone to be better without desiring pain or cruelty. And even if you didn't think we were compatible, I want you to always remember that somewhere in the world is a man (even if you bucket me a friend) that always believed you were capable, smart, beautiful, worthy of respect. Maybe that sounds corny, but it's true

December 18, 2017

But aren't words just words?

No. Words are not just words. They have meaning and they have ramifications. WTF is wrong with you?

I would have completely cut you out of my life if you had said that to me. End of story.

I think you have some maturing to do in regards to how you act and what you say. In a relationship all actions and all words are painted with permanent ink. You don't erase them - you only cover them up.

Best of luck of OP

December 18, 2017

I don't understand why his writings are hurtful to you. While a bit corny, it seems like he talking from the heart. He's explaining why your actions/words were so hurtful, just as we have here, and you're not hearing it.

'You're not my man', and 'I won't hesitate to cheat on you' didn't sit well with him.

He's hurt, he's moving on, and he wishes you well. What 'truth' are you looking for? Several here completely understand his reaction. Why don't you? Have you apologized?

December 18, 2017

I don't understand why his writings are hurtful to you. While a bit corny, it seems like he talking from the heart. He's explaining why your actions/words were so hurtful, just as we have here, and you're not hearing it.

'You're not my man', and 'I won't hesitate to cheat on you' didn't sit well with him.

He's hurt, he's moving on, and he wishes you well. What 'truth' are you looking for? Several here completely understand his reaction. Why don't you? Have you apologized?

I don't know if he's closing or opening the door? No, I haven't apologized and don't want to re-open communication channels with him and get hurt again. He should also apologize to me for saying "I'm done with you" after I said you're not my man.

Edited December 18, 2017 by bkLatina718

December 18, 2017

He should also apologize to me for saying "I'm done with you" after I said you're not my man.

Why? 'I'm done' was his reaction to your hurtful comment, and I don't find it surprising. Both comments can be construed as a break up.

You haven't apologized, why should he?

I'd say the door is closed.

December 18, 2017

Why? 'I'm done' was his reaction to your hurtful comment, and I don't find it surprising. Both comments can be construed as a break up.

You haven't apologized, why should he?

I'd say the door is closed.

He apologized to me for the tone a while back. Right after the phone call, sent me a message. And repeatedly said he could've been more tactful, but he was hurt.... Still don't trust him though.

You yourself said the photo was no big deal, so what are we talking about? Obviously he found his way out.

He ended things before after he said he was doing his taxes one Friday night and didn't call me for a few days. I didn't believe him, but sent me a screenshot confirming he was.... Went to bed early and worked the next morning. After a few days of discussions/arguing he said "I'm exhausted" and broke things off the first time.... The second time was the same old, patterned behavior from him.... Scared to commit.

Edited December 18, 2017 by bkLatina718

December 21, 2017

If I still have feelings can this be repaired? Should I even bother, or too volatile a man?

December 21, 2017

The fact that you "THINK" you are Catholic is very telling. Obvious, not a very central part of your being. You say you are divorced, but obvious looking into another relationship. Thats a no-no. Catechism 101 here. Also, you say you are not into "pre-maritable" sex but you frankly tell him that you will obviously cheat on him. Yup, totally over-reacting....NOT.

Now he tries to tell you his heart and his beliefs but you won't listen. You are just not compatible for him. And he knows this. He is kinda jaded. Time to move on and hope he learns from this experience....

December 21, 2017

If I still have feelings can this be repaired? Should I even bother, or too volatile a man?

I'm really curious as to whether you think you've done anything that may have helped cause the break-up.

December 21, 2017

there's obviously a culture difference.

And that is a valid reason for breaking things off.

Find a Latino who can appreciate all that you are since he'll be way more familiar with your culture that a white dude who wasn't raised in the barrio.

December 21, 2017

If I still have feelings can this be repaired? Should I even bother, or too volatile a man?

No.

I don't think it's his volatility at all--I think it's your "use a sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach here that did the lion's share of the damage. Remember: you weren't on the receiving end of it, so you can't speak to how you came across, certainly not for him.

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Latina girl/white guy -- did he overreact?

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