Houdini's Sweetie Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 I'm not even sure this post belongs under DATING, because I can't seem to make it that far! My fiance broke off with me more than a year ago and I've been plunged back into the ugly world of so-called "dating." This consists of men behaving as though they're interested and then inexplicably disappearing on me. Today I'm frustrated, disappointed and furious that I've been treated rudely again by a guy who made a date for this afternoon and is apparently not going to bother telling me he isn't going to show! This person answered my ad and we had a couple phone conversations which went well, but I didn't expect much from him because he seemed to be in over his head with (grown) children living at home, his work, and his planned vacation to Europe. So I was a little surprised when he called me last Friday and asked if we could meet this weekend. I said that would be great. He said he needed to come to my area "anyway" to see one of his sons and he would call Saturday and work out some plans. I agreed. He called Saturday (which, again, surprised me, as I've gotten used to being disappeared on). He told me the general time we would get together (3 or 4) and told me it was "lady's choice" of where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do. He said he would call in the morning on Sunday so that I could tell him where to meet me and asked if I would be in. I said I would and he said he'd talk to me then. I thought maybe my luck was changing. So here I am, and it's after 2 in the afternoon. Unless he's been in a car accident, I've decided that I'm not accepting any further contact from this person. I feel as though I'm being crazily unfair, but I can't even begin to count how many times this has happened to me over the last year. It seems to me that if a guy is NOT interested in you, shouldn't he just NOT answer your ad, or NOT pick you up at the beach, or NOT stop by your desk and ask you out for coffee "sometime" or NOT call you twice a day or at midnight "just to hear your voice", or not ask for a second date before the first date is even over, or NOT make dates that he then cancels, postpones, "forgets" or just simply....disappears... on? Yes, these have all happened to me and I can't for the life of me understand how interest can grow so cold within days or hours! Why go to the effort of getting a woman's phone number or her agreement to go out and then just never speak to her again?! Am I making the mistake of showing interest? When they ask me out, should I just shrug and say, "Yeah, sure, why not? I'm not doing anything important." Should I never give them my phone number and just let them wonder when I will call THEM? Should I give up bathing or getting my hair cut? Should I gain 100 pounds? Should I become embittered and frigid? I mean, it all seems to work in opposites. The guys who are apparently the least interested are the ones who put in the most effort to gain MY interest, so if I do everything to discourage them, will I actually then GET a date? Is anyone else experiencing this weird phenomenon? Ugh, this is all so depressing!
Outcast Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Why, if someone you're expecting to hear from doesn't call when expected, do you not call to find out what's up rather than spending hours in speculation? There are hundreds of reasons why a person might miss an engagement and sitting stewing about it gives you no information. So go to the phone, pick it up, and ask if he's all right. A parent or child could have become ill. He could have fallen. His phone lines could be out. His power could be out. I could go on but it would be much MUCH easier if you would just ask for yourself. Don't condemn this guy for everyone else's sins. Find out if you have reason to be mad before you get mad.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 It sounds like you're trying too hard. Guys can be jerks- all women know that (guys, don't yell at me- I didn't say all guys are jerks, I simply stated that guys CAN be jerks). So the way I go about it is to meet guys as friends first and then if it blossoms into something more, you already have a solid friendship and hopefully then the guy won't be a disappearing pig. For example, I met a wonderful guy at grad school, and we knew each other for a year before starting to date. I knew he wouldn't stand me up, say he would call and then not, etc. because I already knew him pretty well. In fact, he and I were talking a few weeks ago about dating in general, and he didn't even realize that people really went on "dates" with people they didn't yet know. All his previous relationships were with women he had befriended first, and he didn't know you could actually walk up to a stranger and ask for her number. He's the kind of guy we women need to be dating. And unfortunately those non-players are either shy , or like my man, just honestly didn't know that approaching random women is acceptable. Going on dates with people you barely know is for the birds. I've given up on that route. It never works. I'd much rather get to the know the person gradually than to force it over drinks in some smoky bar. My suggestion is take a class at your local university or join some club where you think meeting a guy would be possible. See where that takes you. It's been my observation that a great man will walk into your life when you are not looking for him.
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