how did you get over mm?

[justcallmesnug]

Newbby-

 

What do you mean by block you?

 

Snug

[newbby]

on im. is not allowing me to see him online.

[bendit]

deleting is the next step....

 

regards

 

mike

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by newbby

on im. is not allowing me to see him online.

 

Got it. Then, how do you know he is online? Why would he do that? Are you sending him messages a lot? Are you sure he blocked you?

 

Snug

[newbby]

deleting is the next step....

 

regards

 

mike

 

aye!

 

Got it. Then, how do you know he is online? Why would he do that? Are you sending him messages a lot? Are you sure he blocked you?

 

Snug

 

he would do that as he no longer wishes to be friends.

i wasnt sending him any more messages than usual, nor any more messages than he sent me. it seemed to be a sudden decision of his to ignore me. maybe it wasnt sudden at all and he was just keeping me sweet for awhile.

either way, the guy is a pig for not telling me he no longer wished to communicate with me, and just letting me talk to him without replying, but hey thats not out of character for him.

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by newbby

aye!

 

 

 

he would do that as he no longer wishes to be friends.

i wasnt sending him any more messages than usual, nor any more messages than he sent me. it seemed to be a sudden decision of his to ignore me. maybe it wasnt sudden at all and he was just keeping me sweet for awhile.

either way, the guy is a pig for not telling me he no longer wished to communicate with me, and just letting me talk to him without replying, but hey thats not out of character for him.

 

Sorry to hear this but people always say there's no good way to end something. I know how you feel. MM used to call me every one to two hours. He used to say if he didn't hear from me he got withdrawals. Today he is gone for the day with his kids somewhere. In the old days, he would have calle me at leat twice by now. He just ended up talking to me with such disdain. I can only guess it's because I'm not being intimate with him. I am so hurt and angry and not doing well at all. I thought we were going to end up together. I am not going to call him either, even though I know he's got the phone with him for work. He's down there doing the phony thing with his kid's friend's parents. It's pathetic. Yeah, tell them your wife and you don't sleep together and you've had an affair for 4.5 years. See how PC they think that is!

[newbby]

yeah true enough, there is no good way to end things.

i cant really blame him for the way he did it. what upset me really was all the lying and chasing me, all over again when i had just done nc and was really getting over it. telling me that he and his wife were going to split, showing up at my door all the time etc, only to then do this!!

ah well, at least i learned my lesson.

i feel really ok, not all the time but mostly.

[justcallmesnug]

Newbby-

 

So I said he was away for the day and i wasn't going to call. So I call, seeing how I haven't spoken to him in about 8 hours. I say I'm shutting the phone off for the night, he says okay. Okay? In the past, he would have said, no I want to talk to you tonight. I asked him what he was doing. Oh, just hanging out with these kid's parents. I say oh and telling them about you and your wife's vacation, as these people are on vacation now, too. He said well, if you want to look at it that way, but not really. Him and his wife live this fake life in this sort of up-scale community that they can't really afford to live in, it's all sort of a lie.

 

It is hard to get out of the habit when someone has been a part of your day for over four years. I said in the past you would have called me every hour by now.....This is too sad to even deal with!

 

For every time I don't get the response I expected, like he used to say, I break down in tears. I don't want anyone to have this power over me!

[newdaynewstart]

How did I get over my MM? It was such a process. Honestly...I finally met someone else that gave me butterflies. I met someone that had a lot of the things that I liked about my MM...minus all of the baggage. I had started taking the steps to get MM out of my life when I met someone else but I can't say I was completely over him at this point. I used to wake up and the first thing I would think about was him. I put him on this pedastool and thought that that I was never going to find anyone in comparison to him. I FINALLY realized that there are guys out there that are not MARRIED that can give me what I want and give me those butterflies... I wish I could tell you exactly what to do to make yourself feel better...but it just takes time and and it take you realizing that you are wasting your time on someone that does not even deserve you. Things did not work out with the guy that made me finally move on from MM...but I am okay with that. He made me realize that there are other guys out there and that I can feel about someone like I did about MM. I to this day email my MM...but it is on a complete "friends" basis. I have gotten over any bitter feelings that I have towards him...he truly is a good friend and I know his intention was never to hurt me... But every situation is different... I realize a lot of people have to go with NC...in my case...I can be his friend and not look at it as anything more now. For the reason that I know that I am wasting my time...and I am possibly setting him up to tear his family apart. I know that I have so much to offer a nice single man...and being the OW is something that I can guarantee you I will NEVER be after the year of my life that I spent with my MM. It is just not worth it. Take care of you...put yourself out there...and time will heal...take MM off the pedastool...he does not deserve to be there! Best of luck!

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by newdaynewstart

How did I get over my MM? It was such a process. Honestly...I finally met someone else that gave me butterflies. I met someone that had a lot of the things that I liked about my MM...minus all of the baggage. I had started taking the steps to get MM out of my life when I met someone else but I can't say I was completely over him at this point. I used to wake up and the first thing I would think about was him. I put him on this pedastool and thought that that I was never going to find anyone in comparison to him. I FINALLY realized that there are guys out there that are not MARRIED that can give me what I want and give me those butterflies... I wish I could tell you exactly what to do to make yourself feel better...but it just takes time and and it take you realizing that you are wasting your time on someone that does not even deserve you. Things did not work out with the guy that made me finally move on from MM...but I am okay with that. He made me realize that there are other guys out there and that I can feel about someone like I did about MM. I to this day email my MM...but it is on a complete "friends" basis. I have gotten over any bitter feelings that I have towards him...he truly is a good friend and I know his intention was never to hurt me... But every situation is different... I realize a lot of people have to go with NC...in my case...I can be his friend and not look at it as anything more now. For the reason that I know that I am wasting my time...and I am possibly setting him up to tear his family apart. I know that I have so much to offer a nice single man...and being the OW is something that I can guarantee you I will NEVER be after the year of my life that I spent with my MM. It is just not worth it. Take care of you...put yourself out there...and time will heal...take MM off the pedastool...he does not deserve to be there! Best of luck!

 

Very uplifting, thanks so much and congratulations!

[newbby]

hey ndns,

well this was my problem with him really. we were friends. having him reject me in the friendship just bought back all the old stuff. he rejected me rudely at that. considering that i tried really hard to make a friendship work and not let my feelings get the better of me, had not even so much as discussed our relationship, never got emotional etc, was just FRIENDLY.

it upset me then, that he could be just so rude and think that was okay.

nevermind though. thankyou for sharing, i too think that when another guy gives me butterflies, mm wont even be in my head at all.

 

jcms,

you MUST stop accusing him. i dont believe you are pushing him away as i believe it was already doomed from the outset, but i do believe you are making yourself feel much worse. if you have to speak to him, and you have to know the truth, then ask him the question that you are too scared to just ask.

have you asked him outright if you are wasting your time?

i had to do this the first time around with my mm. i realised that i had been really scared of just outright asking him the truth, because i really didnt want to hear the answer that i knew was the truth. eventually i worked up the courage and just asked him outright every question i needed the answer to. it was absolutely awful, but once you have the answers, it leaves you free to deal with it.

it is so much worse being stuck in this awful limboland you are in, you fear the answers, and you accuse him based on your fears, he will not just tell you anything and when you accuse him he will only get defensive.

either that or just total nc him. give yourself the answers straight and harsh and nc him.

((hugs)) to you

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by newbby

hey ndns,

well this was my problem with him really. we were friends. having him reject me in the friendship just bought back all the old stuff. he rejected me rudely at that. considering that i tried really hard to make a friendship work and not let my feelings get the better of me, had not even so much as discussed our relationship, never got emotional etc, was just FRIENDLY.

it upset me then, that he could be just so rude and think that was okay.

nevermind though. thankyou for sharing, i too think that when another guy gives me butterflies, mm wont even be in my head at all.

 

jcms,

you MUST stop accusing him. i dont believe you are pushing him away as i believe it was already doomed from the outset, but i do believe you are making yourself feel much worse. if you have to speak to him, and you have to know the truth, then ask him the question that you are too scared to just ask.

have you asked him outright if you are wasting your time?

i had to do this the first time around with my mm. i realised that i had been really scared of just outright asking him the truth, because i really didnt want to hear the answer that i knew was the truth. eventually i worked up the courage and just asked him outright every question i needed the answer to. it was absolutely awful, but once you have the answers, it leaves you free to deal with it.

it is so much worse being stuck in this awful limboland you are in, you fear the answers, and you accuse him based on your fears, he will not just tell you anything and when you accuse him he will only get defensive.

either that or just total nc him. give yourself the answers straight and harsh and nc him.

((hugs)) to you

 

I'm not sure what you mean by accusing him. Unfortunately, he won't discuss anything to do with feelings, and this is why he keeps the marriage the way it is. When I ask him anything, he says he can't talk about it right now, or the cell phone disconnects....At the outset, he told me he didn't want to break up his family, but that he can not stand his wife, has no sexual interest in her, nor her him, and will stay until his last kid is 18-ish. This is why he started an affair. He needed a companion, mentally and physically.

 

Okay, so after we fell so much in love, I thought he would change his mind, so I got hurt and angry. His life makes no sense to me, as he is living it now. Then, I got resentful that he does everything for her, even though he "can't stand her." This includes cleaning up after her and doing the kid's wash, and he works about 16 hours per day at his company as well. To me, that is very selfish on her part. She is a lazy pig, as several people have told me, and he does all the cleaning or hires someone, some mom she is, never mind a wife to him.

 

I feel he began to hate me after awhile because I wouldn't go along with the situation anymore. You'd have to have seen the whole situtation for you to understand, and no one can know what his love meant to me in my life. He stopped everything he used to do. He didn't even get me a birthday card, let alone a gift, and he knows I don't get anything on my birthday because I am alone in the world, even that didn't phase him.

 

It as hard to watch him go away with her for 5 vacation, but on the other three, at least, he kept in touch with me just like he was here at home. He says he's not going with her, per say, but refers to everything as going with "the family". I feel bad to see him waste even more time with her, but he didn't have the guts to, or didn't want to say anything to her. People tell me she's an awful bitch and that she would do a number on him in a divorce, plus he went through one already and said it was an awful experience.

 

The point is there is nothing else I can do. I got really mentally sick from this situation, especially this year. He will never go back to how he treated me before, and that is too bad for him and me. My hope is I will be able to trust the next person who says they love me.

 

Thanks for your words

Snug

[newbby]

jcms,

it is the situation, as kkat said to me earlier in this thread.

you will be able to trust the next person who tells you they love you because they won't be married. he was unavailable from the outset.

doesnt matter what the situation with his wife is or isnt, he is and was married and therefore your relationship with him was already doomed. it doesnt matter if he loved you or how much, he was never going to be yours because he was already somebody elses.

however he has painted his wife, to you and everybody else and however he has painted the relationship, and whether it is the truth or not is irrelevant, because he chose and still chooses to be married to her.

you cannot feel sorry for him and i dont believe you have yet seen him as the true person he is. as somebody else stated in one of your threads, he can be nasty to you, is he really such a great guy that he says he is? this great guy that does everything for this ungrateful, lazy wife of his.

you said she bought him an expensive gift, is she really this mean b!tch to him?

i think he has fed you so many stories and you have been in this for so long that you have lost the objectivity to see the truth of it.

he sounds to me like a lying, manipulative a***. it will be hard for you to get over him until you see that he is not the wonderful guy he tells you he is. he is still manipulating you, everytime you speak to him. if you ask him a question, he puts it all on to you "well YOU seem to think so" so that you begin doubting your own judgement, and also allows him to evade the question.

this guy is an a**hole and does not deserve the great love you feel for him.

i dont know your situation, but you say you have nobody else in the world, why is this so? why are you cut off from other people?

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by newbby

 

 

you said she bought him an expensive gift, is she really this mean b!tch to him?

i think he has fed you so many stories and you have been in this for so long ?

 

Not that it matters about the gift, but she basically gave him money to get the item himself...like I said, not that it matters. He told me on two other birthdays that he told her not to get anything because they could use the money for the household expenses. To him, it's just a piece of equipment he needed, and he doesn't think of the gift in the way I am thinking of the gift.

 

I did a lot of damage myself by how I reacted to everything. I am not the type who would ever be with a married person, and I am certainly so monogamous

that doing this went against everything I believed in. This type of arrangement is definitley for a certain personality type-not mine. He told me he loved me all the time, and sometimes I would say no you don't because you are married to her. He told me a million times everything he does there is to keep his kids intact, cleaning included. I believe him, mostly, but it didn't do me any good. Again, his issues, and I got all caught up.

 

By alone, I mean I have no parents or siblings. I have a few friends. I basically keep to myself. There are some issues I don't feel comfortable posting out here, they are personal.

 

Anyway, it's all very sad.

[newbby]

ok, well forget about what his need are for a moment. what can you do for you? how can you make you happy again? this is what you need to concentrate on.

as for the personal issues of course, thats totally understandable.

you have some friends.

perhaps you need to try some therapy or something for yourself so that you can learn to be happy again just because you are and not because somebody loves you.

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by newbby

ok, well forget about what his need are for a moment. what can you do for you? how can you make you happy again? this is what you need to concentrate on.

as for the personal issues of course, thats totally understandable.

you have some friends.

perhaps you need to try some therapy or something for yourself so that you can learn to be happy again just because you are and not because somebody loves you.

 

Thanks. I was happy when I met him. In hindsight, I was terrific, actually.

In one of your posts you mentioned that you exMM doesn't even acknowledge the relationship or something (I think it was you). This MM never speaks anything of it. It's like talking to a stranger sometimes. I guess the worst fear is that he was so wonderful to me because I was sleeping with him, but that wasn't all I was doing. I was more of a wife to him than his W will ever be. My hope for myself is that I can get myself back to where I was in life 4.5 years ago, because this was really a huge backslide. Newbby, 4.5 years....YIKES

[lynnered]

Originally posted by justcallmesnug

Not that it matters about the gift, but she basically gave him money to get the item himself...like I said, not that it matters. He told me on two other birthdays that he told her not to get anything because they could use the money for the household expenses. To him, it's just a piece of equipment he needed, and he doesn't think of the gift in the way I am thinking of the gift.

 

I did a lot of damage myself by how I reacted to everything. I am not the type who would ever be with a married person, and I am certainly so monogamous

that doing this went against everything I believed in. This type of arrangement is definitley for a certain personality type-not mine. He told me he loved me all the time, and sometimes I would say no you don't because you are married to her. He told me a million times everything he does there is to keep his kids intact, cleaning included. I believe him, mostly, but it didn't do me any good. Again, his issues, and I got all caught up.

 

By alone, I mean I have no parents or siblings. I have a few friends. I basically keep to myself. There are some issues I don't feel comfortable posting out here, they are personal.

 

Anyway, it's all very sad.

justcallmesnug

as u say with the personal issues ,

have u gone to therapy?

i just started again yesterday!

just a short update on me 4 u,

he left ,he's staying at moms due to all the drama with W,

he basically is mentally unstable as he says ,he cant think because

this b*** is threatening my job and my life and i am not myself now i am so worried ,

wed been in NC he contacted me mon nite ,& he also says

"And i talk to you about everything always but i don t wanna talk to anyone about things thats not like me we always talked"

he's rude & irritable with me ,today he's off but decided to drive out of state to visit family ,

this hurts me so much ,I've always been here for him ,and we hardly talk only on IM,

so I'm backing away ,just being supportive ,hes not himself and I'm hurt ,anyway sorry !!I'm a wreck lately cry allot !

but anyway went to therapy yesterday,

talked about work ,finances ,family and MM,

well she thinks that there's something in me /my life that i feel I'm not deserving,also she said something about the feelings of whens my turn type of feelings ,

which is true ,its always about MM what's convent for him ,

that builds up ,

well i was thinking this may be helpful as we've done about the same time with MM ,

and i understand the emotiall pain SO MUCH

and it hurts bad now that were where i waited for so long it a mess ,

at least u are not being intimate with him i think that is VERY good !

and if u decide to go it will make it easier to detach urself

sorry for spelling punction errors im slow

[justcallmesnug]

lynnered-

 

Well, it's good you are talking with someone about your feelings. I am not in that position right now where I can do so. Do you think you are not deserving of something better in your life? In my case, I think I deserve a lot more, which is why I wanted MM to say something about me to W. I am crying a lot to, and I am sick of it. He won't talk about any of this with me, and he is not one to talk about his feelings. He just gets angry and hangs up if he hears me start to cry. I kept wondering why he married someone so nasty and bitchy, as many have told me of her, but I see now it's because he can be very, very distant, emotionally. All the time we spent together and he never even speaks of it. I guess it's hard not to be the center of his attention anymore and not hear anymore kind words and compliments. It made me feel bad that he loved me so much and then just stopped all the kind words, like I was the worst person in the world. I know it's because I can't be intimate with him anymore and he's mad about that. I haven't been with him in a year, and if he doesn't sleep with W, I wonder if he can say he hasn't had sex with anyone in year. I can't even ask the question because I can't take the consequence of the answer from him, if it is that he slept with someone. What a freakin' mess

[newbby]

In one of your posts you mentioned that you exMM doesn't even acknowledge the relationship or something (I think it was you). This MM never speaks anything of it. It's like talking to a stranger sometimes

 

no we did talk about it after the first time around, but after a long period of nc. the first time i asked him directly the questions i needed the answers to in order to move on. he told me bluntly the answers i did not want to hear and it hurt but i was pleased as i could then move on.

i did nc on him for about 4 months after which i was pretty much over it. we would see each other as the situation is such that we have to and i wanted him to know that there were no hard feelings on my part so i talked to him and we became friends. during our friendship we talked alot about all kinds of things and we talked alot about our relationship and other personal things.

it was really nice and i felt quite close to him. then he began lying to me again saying that he and his wife were about to split etc, he carried this on for quite some time and began talking romantically with me. i tried dating other people during this time and he began getting very jealous and telling me to remember who my real boyfriend was etc. this was all in the context of friendship and nothing else. if i doubted that we should be having a friendship even he would panic and try to persaude me why it was best we should etc.

without meaning to i began to get sucked in again, although i was aware that he was trying to continue the affair on one hand, on the other i was wondering, it seemed so real, whether he really was having these severe problems with his wife and they really were talking of splitting. he also was giving me a reason to feel cheerful each day. we talked for hours everyday. eventually i melted and gave in, only once. i regretted this and told him never again.

then things got a bit strange between us and then seemed to go back to normal again, good friendship etc. then he began with the sweet talking again. one night he kept me up talking for ages and was being really sweet and had sent me flowers that day etc, he persuaded me to let him come round for a drink and i eventually said yes ok.

he came round and sat there talking to me about how much he loved his wife and how great she was and about their future etc. i was quite amazed as you can imagine, at his choice of tactics in telling me this.

when he left i was furious and the next day i was really angry with him, not because he had decided to be honest with me at last, but because of how he had done this quite suddenly and harshly after all the months and months of trying to suck me back in again and because he even manipulated me with sweetness and romance that day just so that he could tell me the truth face to face. i mean why not just say i need to talk to you?

anyway, i didnt want him to realise how upset i was about all of that because i felt it gave him an ego boost i just didnt want to give him. so i played it pretty cool and was friendly with him again. our friendship then became really like just two new friends with no history and i was actually quite pleased. so we were chatting for many hours at a time still about all kinds of things. then he offered to do some jobs for me which i needed doing. he was very public about these jobs to all mutual friends etc, who knew nothing of the history etc, or even really knew that we knew each other all that well.

turned out that doing these jobs was just another bizarre form of manipulation as he then began to ignore me when i spoke to him quite normally and friendly.

the rest you know about.