newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 ok so you have accepted that you were used by a mm. you have accepted that you meant nothing to him. you have accepted that he now finds you irritating, but doesnt want to be horrible enough to tell you to f off. what next? who has successfully managed to get over their mm, and how did they do it? i find it difficult for one reason. in a normal relationship, you go through the stages of love etc, if it ends it is painful but you know you were once loved. in this particular relationship, you pretty much know you were swindled and used. it is therefore difficult to walk away with pride and dignity still in tact. i find i keep trying to walk away in different ways, and have been doing for some time. all this does is prolongs it. it is difficult too when the mm has reeled you in with lies again and again. i found that mostly my pride stopped me from being angry. i did not want him to know how i felt, because that made me feel more foolish. he never saw me cry. i dont know if i even did cry actually. i forgave him once. the second time i was very briefly angry. i just read something, however that stuck in my mind. the mm expects you to want certain things, because you are a woman and he projects on to you what he thinks you want. it doesnt matter how cool i was about it. now, i feel that i have left things unsaid. that i had every reason to be angry, and didnt even get angry at him. i understand my focus should be on me.
Author newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 ok i can deal with the fact that he doesnt want a relationship with me, that is fair enough. what i find it hard to deal with is that he thinks it is ok to be rude to me and thinks so little of me he cant even be my friend. thats what it is.
Author newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 just realised... i would not have loved me either. man i had no self respect at all, being there. how could i expect him to have had any respect for me? i cant. i cant be angry at him at all. i have been out with guys like i was, and i didnt love them either, didnt respect them, and i guess i kind of used them too. it reaches a certain point, you cant go back and change their minds about you, i suppose thats what i was trying to do. f'd up as it is. i am going to get me some therapy of some kind and really work on myself.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 I have to reach way back into the archives for this....I've been married a loooonnng time! But back in my youth, there were a couple of "user" boyfriends. Unfortunately, being young and stupid, I was somewhat user-friendly. I think what helped me most in learning to forgive myself for my own naivete, even back then....was the realization that I know more now, then I did the day before. I'm capable of learning and growing. And if I make a mistake...I can learn from it and move on. Now, I can think of one guy in particular....who was young and stupid too, btw....but that doesn't make me feel any more warm and fuzzy for him then I did back then. I haven't seen him in 25 years, and to this day I wouldn't bother to spit on him if he was on fire. (Geez, that's mean. ) So, maybe it's a combination of both those things. Giving yourself due credit for being more today then you were yesterday. And still giving the guy due credit for being an a*hole.
Author newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 i know what you're saying lady jane, and btw thanks for making me laugh! i am swinging at the moment, and, i'm sure i will find a balance at some point. i think thats one of the things that makes nc so important.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by newbby ii'm sure i will find a balance at some point. i think thats one of the things that makes nc so important. I did NC on that guy for 25 YEARS! Feels pretty damn good too, all things considered. (OMG...he was sooooo good-lookin' ) Don't worry, sweetie. You'll get there. And it'll feel GREAT when you do.
Author newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 25 years of NC!?!?!?!?! do you miss him? :lmao: :lmao:
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Nope! (Although, I do think of him from time to time......mostly hoping he's FAT and BALD!!! )
Author newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 Nope! (Although, I do think of him from time to time......mostly hoping he's FAT and BALD!!! ) hey! my xmm is already fat and bald!
ww Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 hey! my xmm is already fat and bald! has he still got his own teeth????????????? you can hope on that!
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by ww has he still got his own teeth????????????? you can hope on that! Hmmmm....getting a visual on THAT, would ALMOST be worth breaking NC over!!!
Author newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 hey! my xmm is already fat and bald! has he still got his own teeth????????????? you can hope on that! great!! thanks ww! Hmmmm....getting a visual on THAT, would ALMOST be worth breaking NC over!!!
Good&BadGuy Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Find someone better a good guy that treats you the way you should be treated since we're dirty dogs it should be easy to find someone alot better I know I should be easy to replace.
Author newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 Find someone better a good guy that treats you the way you should be treated since we're dirty dogs it should be easy to find someone alot better in the nicest possible way, you're right!
justcallmesnug Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Originally posted by newbby ok so you have accepted that you were used by a mm. you have accepted that you meant nothing to him. you have accepted that he now finds you irritating, but doesnt want to be horrible enough to tell you to f off. Newbby, this is excatly how I feel. Starting to ignore me slowly and stopped all kind things, but doesn't say leave me the F alone. I actually screamed at him once and said why don't you come out and say you can't stand me anymore and we'll never have a future instead of treating me like this. I never did a bad thing to him ever, and I will go on knowing that all I wanted was a busy, inloved, over-stressed person to have some help and kindness in his life. I guess what is next is to stop romanticizing these MM and see them for the sneaky liars they are? Okay, it looks good on paper anyway....
Author newbby Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 I guess what is next is to stop romanticizing these MM and see them for the sneaky liars they are? yes, thats the first step to recovery. of course they cant just tell you the truth, they are liars! its funny how we realise this, and yet still allow their behaviour to confuse us.
joodee Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 of course they cant just tell you the truth, they are liars! its funny how we realise this, and yet still allow their behaviour to confuse us. Ain't that the truth. I got an e-mail from the MM and I feel like crap. I KNOW he's a liar, I KNOW he's a womanizer, and I see that he's not taking any ACTION except for trying to keep contact with me in the hopes of things going back to the way they were without him having to change. The next step is for me to not read anything he sends. It was just something brief, basically a hello and that he still wants to be more than friends, but that's enough to get me feeling all confused and frustrated. And I have a big week ahead of me and now I can't focus on myself.
Naive Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by newbby ok so you have accepted that you were used by a mm. you have accepted that you meant nothing to him. you have accepted that he now finds you irritating, but doesnt want to be horrible enough to tell you to f off. what next? who has successfully managed to get over their mm, and how did they do it? i find it difficult for one reason. in a normal relationship, you go through the stages of love etc, if it ends it is painful but you know you were once loved. in this particular relationship, you pretty much know you were swindled and used. it is therefore difficult to walk away with pride and dignity still in tact. i find i keep trying to walk away in different ways, and have been doing for some time. all this does is prolongs it. it is difficult too when the mm has reeled you in with lies again and again. i found that mostly my pride stopped me from being angry. i did not want him to know how i felt, because that made me feel more foolish. he never saw me cry. i dont know if i even did cry actually. i forgave him once. the second time i was very briefly angry. i just read something, however that stuck in my mind. the mm expects you to want certain things, because you are a woman and he projects on to you what he thinks you want. it doesnt matter how cool i was about it. now, i feel that i have left things unsaid. that i had every reason to be angry, and didnt even get angry at him. i understand my focus should be on me. Getting over someone you love is a doifficult thing to do but time will help you out. You definitely cannot expect to wake up one day and be over him (even though it can happen) but you can wake up each day and move a step closer to letting IT go. It's all up to how bad you want to leave him!
Author newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 The next step is for me to not read anything he sends. It was just something brief, basically a hello and that he still wants to be more than friends, but that's enough to get me feeling all confused and frustrated. And I have a big week ahead of me and now I can't focus on myself. i know how hard this is. it was hard for me when i was there not too long ago. now, with recent events, i only wish i had walked away then when i had a tiny bit more power. it is a good idea you had to ignore everything he sends, joodee, i dont think theres any easy way, they always leave you with an element of doubt when you yourself walk away. well, could they have been serious this time? did i blow something? on the other hand, when they walk away, after wearing you down until you give in, it crushes you. i have to say, after reading your post and putting myself there for a while, i actually think i am dealing with the easiest ending, its all him, theres absolutely nothing i can do. i am really battling with myself right at this moment, i had the most biting thing to say just popped into my head and wont leave me alone. i wrote it in an email and then deleted it. i may just have to say it. sharp, clean, no ambiguity (lol) and then thats it. i had the last word and it was a good one. ahhh i dont know, it is so tempting.
kkat Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Newbby, I think you are being too hard on yourself maybe because you are feeling down and rejected. This guy has many problems and issues, including that he doesn't know what he wants in his marriage from one day to the next, is a liar and a cheater, and is consistently inconsistent with you regarding wanting a friendship or not. You got involved with someone who portrayed themselves as being available, and/or you saw him as being available, and someone you thought was wonderful. Turns out, he's not available. And it also turns out, he's an a**, a bit stupid, and not the great knight in shining armour you thought he might be. That's about HIM! Not about you! So you made a bad judgement call! Have you ever bought an outfit you thought was great, spent your paycheck on it, only to find out it really looked like crap and didn't fit? Same here! You invested in this relationship, with time and emotion and energy, and it turned out to be a VERY bad investment. OK....but that doesn't make you a bad person, or likely to repeat the same mistake. In fact, it makes you more likely to make a better choice next time around...live and learn right? You got involved with someone who is unavailable AND not a great person either. And now you feel rejected because he is unavailable. Ha! Remember, he has been unavailable since the day he "committed" to his wife...this has nothing to do with you...it has to do with him! It's not about you not being good enough, smart enough, sexy enough, any of them. He's married! Will now email this to myself to remember! Are you still in NC? For how long?
Author newbby Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 hey kkat, thankyou, you are right. he was never available in the first place. it is what i tell everyone else and yet, somehow cannot help but take it personally myself. well, i spoke to him yesterday and he ignored me again, yet still did not block me. i told him that i am doing good and that i am sorry he thinks it is ok to be rude but that its not my problem. i was really holding back my rage but wanted to acknowledge his rudeness too. last night i watched him on im (i wasnt obsessively watching him as this may sound), i just watched him being online and not speaking to me, i had him blocked the majority of the time. i unblocked him and he put his status to away. i had to be sure that he was actually ignoring me, and this proved it to me. i still dont understand why he doesnt just block me. this morning i had him blocked and he was still online. i worked myself up into a rage but it was not a hurt rage, i noticed, just felt like saying something nasty to him. i refrained again. now, i really am beginning to feel much better, i have worked through alot of emotion without saying anything to him. been through many stages of hurt and anger and self blame and anger, and now i feel quite good. i am no longer looking at him as this wonderful guy who rejected me because of my own inadequacies. i see that he is actually not all that great a person at all. it doesnt matter what the reasons for him doing all of this are, even if he knew that i still had feelings for him and was trying to break that, it doesnt matter. there were far nicer ways to do it. i suppose he did it right in some ways too. he didnt hurt me with truthful words and he didnt just block me completely. he gave me the message in his actions. i feel actually quite relieved that i can now begin living again, without hanging any of my happiness on my relationship with him. it means that i have to focus on my life and what i want to happen with it.
kkat Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Wow! That sounds so great. I am feeling very chipper to read your very positive tone. And how right on the money you are. Yay Newbby!
Author newbby Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 kkat, thankyou, i am aware that the first few days of giving something up are probably the easiest. i am really focusing my mind on beating this though. i am not distracting myself with other things. what i am doing is realising where the addiction stemmed from. in my case it was definetly a cover up for other issues. i am working on these issues now, and in doing so i am becoming bigger than the situation in many ways. i was being lazy before, it was so easy to allow my mind to just rest on the easy old thoughts about him, although it was hard, it was also easy. i dont know if that makes sense.
Author newbby Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 well, he has finally decided its safe to block me. so thats that!!
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