primer Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 Don't you feel bad after breaking up with someone? Don't you want to hear them out? Isn't it hard when you know they are suffering? I ended my long term relationship a few months ago. I have been keeping to myself, not going out much, spending time alone. It's called self-care. Now my ex has been texting me and wants to talk. He feels terrible about everything that happened (no cheating). He hasn't been the same since his father passed away. His family makes him angry. He took it out on me. He was breaking up with me quite often, just never leaving. He did sneaky things behind my back. Now he regrets it all. Should I hear him out? Is it true that people don't change?
sdraw108 Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 He hasn't been the same since his father passed away. His family makes him angry. He took it out on me. Is it true that people don't change? If his behavior was due to his father passing away, then he doesn't need to "change". He just needs to get past his grieving process and go back to how he was before.
carhill Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 Death of a loved one is a life-altering experience for many. Did his father's death process occur during your relationship? Fast or long and drawn out? If I were with an otherwise loving and stable person and they freaked out during the death of a loved one and did things out of character for them which soured our relationship I'd be looking at the foundation of the relationship and how they are recovering from their loss as factors, along with how they understand and communicate regarding the relationship's end. I remember my exW telling our MC I was depressed. He had assessed and shared that he felt it was situational due to my mother being terminally ill. He was right. After mom died and I divorced exW, I was fine. Loads lifted. No meds needed. In your case, it could just be the death part, IDK. I do know once I divorced my exW she's been forever dead to me. Heard from her as recently as a few days ago about some estate matter. Sure I responded out of courtesy but I'd do that with anyone pretty much, like responding here. Doesn't mean anything more than it does.
Author primer Posted December 7, 2017 Author Posted December 7, 2017 His father's death process was fast. He was elderly and died after about three weeks in the hospital and nursing home. His father physically and mentally abused him when he was a child but after the father passed away, ex made him out to be a great Dad. I did not question it. Whatever it takes . . . None of the ex's family is financially independent. A nephew is a drug addict. Ex tries to control everyone and make them normal. I felt like he didn't treat me properly and after about nine months of the father passing, told him to move out. I suggested he get help several times, told him it was okay after losing a loved one, but he refused to get help.
carhill Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 Hard to know what's going on since we can't read minds but I'm smelling unfinished business, regarding your ex and his now dead father. In any event, it appears you were patient with his grieving process and ultimately took steps to protect yourself, as you should. Speaking in generalities, men do have emotions and can and do feel 'bad' about things they do or say which hurt people. It's impossible to know when, how and why but we are generally conditioned that showing emotion makes us weak, especially compared to other males, hence the old adage of 'don't let them see you sweat'. A man can be crying inside and all the world sees is a stoic face and terse words. However, and this is specific to my life circumstance, as someone who used to emote pretty openly, after death and divorce something died in me. Compassion and empathy have been replaced by a blank stare. Perhaps I saw how exhibiting such weakness ended up. Done with that. Your ex is who he is. All we can do is speculate. In my experience with people who've damaged me, when they come back later all lovey-dovey it's because they want something, not because of any remorse or genuine care or love. I don't think that's remarkable, rather humans just being humans. Life is a transaction. 1
springy Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 Are you open to going back into this relationship? I have felt pity for the dumpee, but not to the extent that I would put myself in an uncomfortable position so that they can relieve their conscience. I mean, I think it's fair to say most everyone feels bad after being dumped. I know it sounds cold, but that is his issue to deal with - not yours. If they had already expressed regret via text or telephone conversation that would be the most they'd get out of me. BUT - I also would not be open to taking that person back. As a general rule I just don't revisit relationships that went sour, where I felt I couldn't trust the person, it was emotionally damaging, etc. I have observed that people do not change without much effort and consistency, and most are not willing to commit to taking the steps needed to dump old habits and create new ones. If he has dumped you numerous times and was doing sneaky things behind your back, it sounds like you know who is he already. I doubt any of that kind of dysfunction has changed in just a few months' time, especially without professional assistance (which you say he refused). He's probably feeling down on himself and perhaps has had some revelation of how crappily he treated you, but that doesn't mean anything will be different once you settle back into routine. Up to you, of course, but assuming you are managing your way through healing from the relationship and know it wouldn't be good for you to go back, I would suggest he see a counselor or someone else to drop his woes on. 1
gelite3 Posted December 10, 2017 Posted December 10, 2017 How comfortable do you feel talking to him? Communication is really an important part of any relationship. If you are comfortable just talking to him to hear what he has to say, that may be helpful, and may help you know if you should put this relationship at rest or if there is hope for reconciliation. You don't need to make any decision right away, even after you talk. Continue in your self-care, until you have peace about your next steps. Keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. I pray the God gives you wisdom, direction, and guidance in this situation.
carhill Posted December 10, 2017 Posted December 10, 2017 (edited) Don't you feel bad after breaking up with someone? Very rare but my style is to take a lot before pulling the trigger and, at that point, the person is dead to me. Don't you want to hear them out? Nope Isn't it hard when you know they are suffering? Nah, we all suffer. My experience has been in general people don't care. Took me a few decades to come around to that way of thinking. I ended my long term relationship a few months ago. I have been keeping to myself, not going out much, spending time alone. It's called self-care. Good for you. IMO, that's healthy. Now my ex has been texting me and wants to talk. He feels terrible about everything that happened (no cheating). He hasn't been the same since his father passed away. His family makes him angry. He took it out on me. Life happens, we act, consequences obtain. It is what it is. Hopefully he's healing from his father's death. BTDT. He was breaking up with me quite often, just never leaving. He did sneaky things behind my back. Sounds like he's had one foot out the door for awhile. Now he regrets it all. Can't read his mind. Should I hear him out? Up to you. IME, after decades of BOTD, nah, done, over. Is it true that people don't change? I think they can and do change throughout life but that doesn't mean they deserve the privilege of my love or presence. You'll make that decision for yourself. IME with LTR's and marriage, when done, done, few regrets no looking back on either side. Is that healthy? IDK, it is what it is. You'll make your own decisions and experience the unique results of them. I wish you well in your healing. ---Ha, just noticed I visited twice. Any differences reflect the human condition, in that I might feel differently today than the last response time. Part of being human! Edited December 10, 2017 by carhill
alterest Posted December 10, 2017 Posted December 10, 2017 I did break up once and I didn't feel bad cause I'm not in love with her. I had no problem talking with her and she doesn't have problem talking with me. She also started to date another guy a month after I broke up and I'm fine with that as she fine with that too. Probably is pretty hard knowing that you made someone suffer. But, come on, break ups are hurtfull things as one of the persons involved still have feelings for the other. You feel bad cause you still love him but as you said: "He was breaking up with me quite often, just never leaving. He did sneaky things behind my back." He keep breaking up with you, and that is not a health thing in a relationship. It makes the RS weak through the time. He is hurt cause he used to be the controller in your relationship, by breaking up with you constantly, and now he has no power. Also, he lost someone he love plenty, and he feels so alone by that, and he is grieving and anger is something that comes with grieve. I am angry with the end of my relationship, I'm also sad sometimes, other times I'm in denial... Ask yourself, do you love him? Do you think that relationship could work? For everything you lived and saw, do you really think that you both can make a future together? We can't answer it for you, you have to put everything you lived and you know about him and about both of you and make a choice. People do change, but they only do that when they want and not when someone told them to change. He changed? We can't know. Do you want to give another try? That's on you.
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