I truly want her back.

[Hollow-Serenity]

Good day everyone, I've been going through a recent break up and I'm seeking for some advice. But first some background story.

 

Me and my ex-girlfriend were together for 10-months. It was a long distance relationship since I met her in one of my international projects with my former high-school. We started dating November 18th 2016 (a day after her birthday). And things just went flawless... We were strong, wanted to wait forever, and eventually met again last June. We had the time of our lives, we had so many great plans for our future together. And even planned our upcoming visit in December...

 

But here comes the worst part. Nearly 2 months ago, my ex-girlfriend, a friend of her, the boyfriend of that friend and some acquaintance went out in a restaurant. They sat next to each other, and that acquaintance kissed my ex on the lips. She messaged me, and explained the situation. Of course this wasn't very pleasant to hear, because she called me with tears in her eyes...

 

I forgave her for the situation, I must admit that I raised my tone and didn't want to talk to her for an hour or two. Because I was shocked too. With the course of the upcoming 2 weeks, things started to change. Our way of communication has drastically changed ever since this happened. She became distant.. Wasn't in the mood, and when we're writing, she's always replying late all of the sudden with excuses.

 

One of the excuses are "When I get a message, it automatically opens my chathead which makes it look like i'm coming online." Or when she's getting a message, that she's being put online for some reason... I thought it was kind of fishy, but even that, I believed it.

 

She was indeed still upset about the situation... But she keeps constantly saying that she's confused about everything. And that made me paranoid.

 

The night before I broke up with her, she removed her relationship status on facebook. I don't know why, but she's making assumptions that Facebook did this for her.. And that she didn't even come to Facebook, while clearly, she was online most of the time. We got in a huge discussion later on that night... She says that she isn't strong enough to wait for next June.. Because we had to cancel December, sadly. Because of the possible tension and so forth.

 

On the next morning, I broke up with her but I did send a respectful goodbye message. With the request if she wants to stay in touch that she is more than welcome to. Same as I want to of course. But no... We didn't.

 

A classmate of her told me: "I'm sorry about you and her, but there is something that I should've told you long ago. You know the time when she was ignoring you? I saw her walking with (let's call him John) John. From school every day, even hand in hand." I was so pissed... I thought she cheated on me, and so I made the mistake by writing a letter to my ex. With accusations such as, thanks for making me look like an idiot for 3+ weeks, enjoy your new boyfriend, I'm already feeling sorry for him etc etc.

 

And then I got a reply.. With that it's not true what I said, that i'm wrong with everything and that i shouldn't contact her or her family ever again.

 

A week or two has passed after the break up.. They are a couple, but a month later she posted it on social media. She's 18 and he's 15-16. (I'm 18 too). With so many photos too, to be honest. She started to change her appearance insanely, and simply is with him.

 

I wrote again... Which was a mistake indeed, I am taking the full blame for that. That she is manipulative, doesn't deserve anyone... And a handful more. I blocked her from everything, but then started to make up theories myself. What if this, what if that.. Everything was possible, truly everything.

 

But one thing's for sure, I wrote an apology letter, somewhere a week before her Birthday. I will write the letter as a reply to this thread. She forgave me, but has lost all of the respect she had left for me. We couldn't get back together according to her, just for her to be a friend in need.

 

That did devastate me. And now I'm wondering, is it worth to win her back? Is there something I can do? Because she was the most incredible person I've ever dated. With so many similarities from both our families and ourselves... And I think that the break up wasn't righteous. That both sides should've been more understanding in all ways.

[Hollow-Serenity]

My ex girlfriend,

 

I know sometimes, there are simply no words that can adequately express the depth of a person's feelings that are plagued by regret, guilt and sadness for a wrong done. This is my predicament now for hurting you so badly when you trusted me so.

 

A thousand "I'm sorry" I'm willing to say but I know it can't undo what has been done and it won't ease the pain in your heart. Instead, let me write this to let you know that I regretted my actions and accusations on you is certainly an unforgivable mistake. I totally deserve all the anger and resentment from you for what I have put you through.

 

However, it also pains me to see you suffering because of my misbehavior. Guilt burns in my heart thinking of all the hurt that you must have felt because of my recklessness. Each time that I think of you, I get angry with myself because I can imagine all the bitter tears you must have shed when you learned of my indiscretion.

 

I'm feeling like this because I know there is still love for you glowing in my heart. Otherwise, I wouldn't have cared one bit and moved on. But I don't want this relationship to end simply because I still care deeply about you and love you with all my heart. I truly want you to be happy again with me still being a part of your life.

 

Well, a mistake is a mistake. I know I don't have the right to ask anything from you when I have foolishly betrayed your trust in me. But if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and give me another opportunity to prove to you how much I love you, I will be very, very relieved indeed. For that would mean, I still have the chance to love and cherish you. And a chance to make your future a happier one with more laughter and less tears.

 

Lastly, I just want to say that I truly had faith in my love for you. I have faith that we will overcome the odds and make our relationship even better than before. Give me another chance and I have faith that, one day, we will look back at this and be glad that we didn't walk away from each other.

 

I know that I can be paranoid, clingy, and jealous sometimes, but accusing you of cheating really crossed a line.

You know I have strong opinions about some things (and express them stronger than I realize sometimes), but we rarely have disagreements like that one. We have always talked things out in the past, and I feel bad that we left things as we did. But maybe we really did just need the time to cool off. I think it is normal, even healthy. As they say, variety is the spice of life. We just need to remember to keep things in perspective, and not to take things too seriously. Or at least in my case, not to think things through too seriously and behave so protective.

 

I know these words cannot undo the emotions that went flying yesterday. I know my statements cannot recall the tears, arguments and fights that surrounded the incident of yesterday. I know I cannot take back the selfish utterance and the indifferent attitude to your point of view. I don’t know how heavy my words were until I sat down to really think about it. I feel so heartbroken for having said those words. I feel so terrible and disgusted with myself for being mean and unrepentant at that point. I am so sorry for being totally insensitive and inconsiderate.

 

Also, I cannot stop thinking about all of the pain that I have caused you throughout our many Months together, especially the last few weeks of our relationship. I was awful to you and I am so sorry that I didn’t see that.

I pushed you away to the point that you had to leave and I am so sorry for not fighting for you, not fighting for us. I am so stupid for letting you go and

 

I will regret that every day for the rest of my life. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me for turning your world upside down. I'm sorry.

You deserve the world and I gave you nothing. I treated you like crap and you didn’t deserve that. I took out all of my anger and hate on you and I will hate myself forever for the way I treated you. I am sorry that it took me so long to realize that. I hurt you so badly and I didn’t even see it.

 

 

I was being lied to and I got assumptions by a source… That is why I was so confused and changed / exploded. To be filled with disinformation about the situation itself. I never should have asked anyone to help me out. But I promise you, that I only did it because I cared.

My overprotectiveness played an insane huge roll in this. It is unbearable as mentioned, but sadly I cannot reverse the things that I said in the past. That left us hanging, and for me not to believe all the things.

All because of one mistake, which lead to believing other people’s stories, insecurity started to rise up which lead to lose in trust of the situations, and more and more frustration.

 

I did think that something was going on, I know you longer than yesterday that you would always tell me if there is something going on, or that you would just say. “Baby, I’m sorry but I’m not in the mood to talk about it”.

But it was my mistake to have pushed things too much. For that, it was indeed awful.

Thank you for your time, Vala. I hope that I was able to explain myself a little bit more in a sophisticated way, rather than behaving like a 5 – year old.

 

I don’t expect anything in return. I know that I have hurt as well. Which won’t ease the pain so easily. But I do hope that you can think things through. Even after everything, I don’t think that I even deserve for you to accept it..

 

Take care, plenty of luck with everything. And once again, you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. In my honest opinion. I know that I said all of those awful things.. For being manipulative and whatnot, and I can’t reverse it in any way.

 

Sincerely,

 

My name

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have long debated the efficacy of sending a letter of such magnitude and I have come to the recent conclusion, provided that you are aware of the possibilities of rejection (or worse), if the message is constructive, sincere and contrite, send it. What and how the person receiving views it or responds is out of your hands, but the letter should, first and foremost, help you be more 'aware' of the mistakes you have made and a stepping stone to helping you heal, move forward.

 

My friend, I have been in a similar situation and the letter I wrote was about MY mistakes, not hers. If a relationship is what you desire, or some forgiveness, but not necessarily reconciliation, telling the other person what mistakes you have made and how you will change goes a long way.

 

I found my letter to be cathartic and therapeutic. There was no need for me to re-hash HER mistakes as they had been abundantly revisited in time past. We didn't get back together, but she read it and softened to me. I wouldn't say we are 'friends,' but we understand one another and she knows that I am always available if she wants to maintain some kind of 'relationship.' Forgiveness....

[HumanMachine]

Your ex cheated on you and you’re contemplating sending that nonsense.. my word pull yourself together man..

[Hollow-Serenity]

I've honestly been thinking... Was the breakup righteous? I know it's a long shot and probably naive to ask such a thing.. But I have a feeling she's been brainwashed by being told that "he's so far away, it'll never work and so on". But it's unbelievable how she has changed in a course of 24-hours.

 

She did make a promise that she would improve herself with the communicating. But that certainly was a no-go.. I am constantly having doubts, is it my fault because I broke up with her? Should I be more understanding?

 

Because all of these "glitches" and "distance" happened after the situation. And I kept constantly thinking, is she in this relationship just to fill the void in her heart?

 

I truly don't know what to do. She was amazing, and I keep on thinking as well that that guy has taken advantage of her emotions.. That she was possibly vulnerable and got affected so easily by him.

[sdraw108]

She's manipulative and dishonest. You're young and these things happen. Best to move on. You will meet someone else. Preferably someone local this time! LDRs are always hard. Most people who do them enter into them later in the relationship. It's generally not a good idea to start a relationship as a LDR.

[Hollow-Serenity]

I've honestly been thinking... Was the breakup righteous? I know it's a long shot and probably naive to ask such a thing.. But I have a feeling she's been brainwashed by being told that "he's so far away, it'll never work and so on". But it's unbelievable how she has changed in a course of 24-hours.

 

She did make a promise that she would improve herself with the communicating. But that certainly was a no-go.. I am constantly having doubts, is it my fault because I broke up with her? Should I be more understanding?

 

Because all of these "glitches" and "distance" happened after the situation. And I kept constantly thinking, is she in this relationship just to fill the void in her heart?

 

I truly don't know what to do. She was amazing, and I keep on thinking as well that that guy has taken advantage of her emotions.. That she was possibly vulnerable and got affected so easily by him.

 

And on the side note, I did send this letter. Because I wanted some peaceful closure rather than filled with anger, tension and questions. So in my eyes, it was the right thing to apologize for my awful words, but I truly wanted her back. And I don't know whether it's still worth to prove it to her that I care and love her. Or at least, wait until new year's even to congratulate her for it, ask what's up... And maybe cut ties in the end.

[HumanMachine]

I think you’re being very naive.. do you truly believe that the dinner with the friends etc when she cheated on you was a coincidence? No chance.. she’s playing the game and you’re too blind to see it.

 

I hope you’ve blocked her and don’t ever send that letter..

[Hollow-Serenity]

Yeah, you're right. I was blind indeed, and I'll try to move on. Are there any tips whatsoever to stop thinking about this entire situation? So not to raise my hope

[Gr8fuln2020]

And on the side note, I did send this letter. Because I wanted some peaceful closure rather than filled with anger, tension and questions. So in my eyes, it was the right thing to apologize for my awful words, but I truly wanted her back. And I don't know whether it's still worth to prove it to her that I care and love her. Or at least, wait until new year's even to congratulate her for it, ask what's up... And maybe cut ties in the end.

 

Listen,

 

IF you are doing this b/c you are genuinely remorseful for YOUR behavior, then you have lost nothing. If YOU need to do this for some kind of closure and fully prepared for rejection, then you've done nothing WRONG. In the end, forgiveness IS NOT about control or rehashing wrongs and rights. It's about allowing yourself to move on. If you feel that she is worth it, then show it. BUT, DO NOT expect the result you hope for. Do it b/c you feel it is the right thing for YOU and your personal claim of responsibility.

[sdraw108]

Yeah, you're right. I was blind indeed, and I'll try to move on. Are there any tips whatsoever to stop thinking about this entire situation? So not to raise my hope

 

Read this guide:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

[frigginlost]

Your ex cheated on you (and I doubt it was only kissing).

 

You dump her.

 

You now want to send a letter stating that you crossed a line accusing her of cheating.

 

Dude. Find your sack. Do not send that letter.

[Hollow-Serenity]

Listen,

 

IF you are doing this b/c you are genuinely remorseful for YOUR behavior, then you have lost nothing. If YOU need to do this for some kind of closure and fully prepared for rejection, then you've done nothing WRONG. In the end, forgiveness IS NOT about control or rehashing wrongs and rights. It's about allowing yourself to move on. If you feel that she is worth it, then show it. BUT, DO NOT expect the result you hope for. Do it b/c you feel it is the right thing for YOU and your personal claim of responsibility.

 

You're absolutely right. It still is difficult, to be honest. Because it's still recent and our did go to waste... Both for December and our future plans.

 

But also, her classmate wasn't this clear... He said when she was ignoring me that she did this, but it was possibly too when I broke up with her, that she uses this guy as a rebound. Is it possible?

[HumanMachine]

Breakups are difficult.. but you’re either pick yourself up and improve yourself, set goals so in 6 months time your ex is begging for you back or mope around feeling sorry for yourself.

 

No contact is the only way to move on.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You're absolutely right. It still is difficult, to be honest. Because it's still recent and our did go to waste... Both for December and our future plans.

 

But also, her classmate wasn't this clear... He said when she was ignoring me that she did this, but it was possibly too when I broke up with her, that she uses this guy as a rebound. Is it possible?

 

I don't know all of the details. Is that possible, well, if the timeline fits, yes. It is 'possible,' but don't put a great deal of stock on it. Your letter should be about confession, self-improvement and moving on. Again, how she responds, well, you don't have much control over that. You've sent the letter and now you MOVE ON. Show her and others that you are a better person...for yourself.