johan Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 For those who have followed my saga, here's an update. Me and my girlfriend went out Wednesday night with a friend and his new girl. For God knows what reason, my girl was kind of cold to start with and I responded in kind. She's been acting different ever since her trip. So we ramped up until we were pretty much ignoring each other. I knew we'd talk about it in the car. We argued and instantly she jumped to all kinds of conclusions making me out to be everything except a total letch. She accused me of trying to impress his girlfriend and paying no attention to her. If you asked my friend he would tell you that is NOT how I acted. She said all I want is to be single and that I'll never be good in a marriage. She said a hundred over the top things trying to convince me that I'm a creep. She's convinced I am. This is the same kind of stuff we've dealt with cyclically for over three years. In all that time she has failed to develop any real faith in me. In all that time, without selling myself out, I've tried SO hard to convince her that I'm worth having. But we always come back to some major character flaw in me that makes it impossible. In all this time she hasn't gone anywhere, she's stuck right by me. But complaining every step, and keeping any real closeness out of our relationship. She was ready to break up after Wednesday, or so she said. She said she wants to move forward in our relationship, but there are all these problems I have that make it impossible. It isn't "we", it's me. There are never solutions, only problems. FYI, I don't really defend myself anymore, because then we just fight. I know better than to take it so seriously as if reason could ever play a part in the conversation. I just try to jump the tracks onto another topic, because there is no winning with her. Earlier this year, we were doing pretty well. But then I don't know what happened. She just regressed on me. I've been so good to her. Just trying to be solid for her. Not extra nice, just steady. I really don't look around or pay any attention to other women, even when she isn't around. Sometimes I have a short fuse and lose patience for the little things she continually worries about. I never blow up, but I get testy. Tonight I tried again. We watched a movie, and all the bad things the men did, she told me she thought that was me. She was sort of joking, but not really. So when the guy in the movie was messing around with another woman, she said she knows that I would do that. She said that's what all men do. When the guy ended up killing his wife, she said that reminded her of me. Funny jokes. I was trying to get us together, but it just kind of sunk in that there is no hope for us with her like this. I just realized that she doubts me to my core, and that won't change. She landed another shot on my integrity as she was leaving, and I cut her off and told her she didn't need to worry about it anymore. She backed down a bit but defended her point, and I told her more pointedly that she wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. So that's that. All that I described isn't all there is to her, it's just the part that makes me post. Much of the rest of her I really love. REALLY love. I have little to show for my three and a half years of dedication and hard work. And now I'm lonely and I'll soon be reminded of how desolate the world is sometimes. She was worth it, because the good outweighed the bad. But the bad won because it keeps her safe.
Outcast Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein
Author johan Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 We're insane. I've known that all along. If she were willing to try, I'd try. Even now I would. I've stayed with her as long as I could see light at the end of the tunnel. When I haven't then we've split up. Last night it went away, so we're apart. I wish someone could explain her behavior to me. Why was she with me at all? It was three and a half years of her time too. There are a lot of things she could have complained about that would have made sense to me. If I was late or selfish or messy or impatient or whatever. Why did she always pick something so untrue? I was always willing to improve myself for her. I never wanted to undermine her faith in me. She just wouldn't have it. She chose to believe something and held it against me and nothing I could do or say would ever change her mind. Discussion was impossible. If I fought it I couldn't win, if I ignored it she would cool off, but the belief was always there. She wouldn't break up with me over it. She'd have me as long as I was willing to stay outside the circle. I stayed because I thought she would soften and I really loved her. What was the point of all this? I think I'm just cursed. It doesn't matter what I do, I turn every girl I'm with into a lunatic. This part of my life has always been a disappointment.
sanne Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 hey bro don't be so hard on yourself. the fact that you are analyzing yourself in this way speaks volumes about your character. this girl honestly seems a little on the crazy side and this relationship was probably not meant to be. i think deep down in our hearts we realize when a relationship just isn't good for us, but we get so scared of being alone and away from our comfort zone that we come running back to what is comfortable and safe. no breakup is ever easy, and initially it will probably be pretty rough, but it will get better and down the road you'll thank yourself that you got out when you did.
Outcast Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 It doesn't matter what I do, I turn every girl I'm with into a lunatic I think your problem is that you go out with lunatics, not that you turn people into lunatics. You need to learn to watch out for warning signs. You need to realize that people with her sort of troubles are not 'savable' as a rule and all your hard work, love, and good intentions will not repair her, no matter how badly you want them to or try. And I know that this very moment you are not 'broken up' in your mind but continuing to believe that if only you try hard enough she'll change - or that the next weak sign of temporary change will signal permanent change. It won't, but I predict you'll be sucked back into her vortex again and again. Unless you steel yourself against the siren's song once and for all and understand that this person will not change. I've lived that situation. But I've wised up.
jc Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 It sounds as if what your ex really needs is to go to counselling. Continually insisting that you will cheat on her and treat her badly is probably more a sign of her low self-esteem than anything. She probably believes that you will cheat on her because there are so many other women out there that she feels are prettier/more intelligent/funnier than her (even if this isn't true), and so why wouldn't you stray? Her comments are more of a reflection upon herself than on you. If things are ever going to work out between the two of you, she would need to go through some intense counselling to deal with her doubts and insecurities. And even then, all of the past hurts between the two of you might preclude a successful relationship.
JS17 Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Have you talked to her about all of this? About your feelings about it? I'm taking a shot in the dark but is there maybe a communication problem?
alphamale Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 sounds to me like the problem is more her than you. To teach her a lesson you should break up with her and institue strict NC and then see what happens.
JS17 Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale sounds to me like the problem is more her than you. To teach her a lesson you should break up with her and institue strict NC and then see what happens. I don't buy it. It sounds to me like there is a lot of negative activity coming from his side of the relationship as well, johan even said it himself. Originally posted by johan There are a lot of things she could have complained about Women don't automatically think and outwardly show that their man is a jerk unless she has reason to. Even those that have been burned badly don't behave that way without reason. It sounds like this is a troubled relationship but if there's any hope of saving it you need to talk to her and tell her all of the things that you've written here. It also sounds as if there's some serious communications problems in this relationship. IMO, you should do some serious searching within and figure out why you're staying with this girl and love her and decide if the relationship is working for you. Maybe take a week apart to sort out your head.
alphamale Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by JS17 Women don't automatically think that's about right JS17
Author johan Posted August 23, 2005 Author Posted August 23, 2005 I don't understand her. She gets so hurt by things that are just normal behavior. It just happens to be that my friend's new girlfriend is going to be there, so my behavior is nearly criminal. It's like she's dying to prove I'm a total creep. She freaks out so completely, and she's so impossible to reason with, that I have no way to tell whether I actually did anything wrong. She can't just tell me something is bothering her, offering to work with me and listen to me, she has to turn everything into a fatal character flaw. Her emotions are real, but there is no possibility for me to convince her that I'm not doing anything wrong. Or even to reach a middle ground. I doubt she'd react this strongly if she found out I had killed someone. She'd deal with that fairly and rationally. She's just so sensitive and <gasp> insecure. I KNOW she loves me. The time we spent together this weekend convinced me of that. She's just really afraid to take the "risk" of being with me. I think it must be weird to read. If I were someone else reading this, I'd think it's hopeless. This is really the only problem we have: the terror she feels when it comes to being with me. Maybe it is hopeless. I could go win my way back into her life pretty easily, because I adore her and she likes to be adored by me, and that soothes the feelings. I did it this weekend. But I just think that wins the battles. The war never ends and that part is hers to control. I think winning the battles isn't very satisfying when the war is always ready to flare back up. I love her like crazy. I just can't ever really have her.
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