Story of my breakup

[MM7895]

Hi guys, I've been living my first real breakup which happened three weeks ago, I didn't have much people to share my feelings with, so I guess writing over here will help exteriorise and healing up...

 

I'm a male who just turned 24, from a family of three brothers and me being in the middle. I'm probably the calmest one, have always been aware of my emotions and able to manage them without great effort, even though I knew how to raise up my voice when necessary. I mostly think I have a good confidence, but sometimes doubt myself, and even more nowadays. It's not a common thing to share my feelings, especially when they involve pain, within my family and never did it with anyone else as well. However I started speaking about the situation with my mom, whom has always been the bond of our close family, and it felt it helped a bit, but I still caught myself dwelling continuously even after that.

 

But most importantly, to the beakup : we're from the same neighboorhood home, and actually knew each other for a few years before deciding naturally to start a relationship. She has always been attracted to me, and so was I, but since she had a really brief "relationship" with one of my buddy, I never did the first step which would have revealed my interest for something. She would be insistant so as to see each other, more than I would, and after her chasing a bit, we met at my place one night.

 

Long story short, I was in Business School since three years in my city and came back from a 6 months exchange abroad which was amazing, had fun with a few ladies over here but never planned on something serious. See, I think I always knew what I wanted in life, and unlike most people my age, I would never date with a girl and imply a relationship if I didn't feel like it. Usually, we'd get physical and either they didnt plan something either, or they'll talk about the "relationship" and was honest stating I didnt feel they would have this position in my heart.

 

Back to this night together, well I guess she just broke my barrier and I got ready to let her in. It was like we just connected on an other level. At the time, she was doing an internship abroad, a less than two hours train ride from where I was. We didnt kiss that night, but started texting madly on a daily basis until she came back. We discovered we would seek the same thing so as to properly settle in : a team mate, an unbreakable bond. Even though I never went further the sexual attraction with my previous "girlfriends", I felt i was ready and she would pinpoint what I was looking for. On her side, she was the opposite : never had sex with anyone except her long-term boyfriends, but lived a few relationships beforehand. Came the time when we firstly meet each other as "kinda-in-a-relationship", she came back from the country where she was working in after a month or so, and we passionately kissed each other and spent an amazing night together. She stayed something like a week or two, and time was passing by being wonderful and discovering a new set of emotions. After a few days, she even was the one who told me she loved me, which I replied positively, and felt as good as I never did. I didnt have the butterfly in the stomach as she described it, and never was an ace to point out feelings as I was adamant to be in control of myself, and tought I was just less emotion sensitives than other. Still, I know I loved her.

 

Life took its toll and went on, we would text, facetime and so on on a daily basis. It would get better day after day. She would say things such as seeing us married and together for life, she wanted to bear our children, said she never loved me like anyone else. Gave her her first vaginal orgasms, told me she knew the first to do that to her would be the one, and a ton of other validations of how powerful the relationship was. She met my family and loved them, as much as they loved her. I met her family, and I think they fondly loved me as well, for various reasons.

 

Almost a year passed, and she finished her internship and came back for summer. We left to the Carribeans and spent two months together here, everything was smooth. The only negative aspect I would draw was that, since I had an insatiable sex drive, I would lead in to have a lot of sex throughout the day, which she was less into, and sometime I'd be a bit disappointed that we wouldnt had sex which created a bit of tension, but nothing from outterworld in a relationship.

 

After the vacation, she left for a new country, where she would pursue her degree in university. The first week or two was regular, and since she had a good girlfriend coming up with and whom she lived with, we talked less, wish I didnt mind since I'm not one to text much. Quickly, I felt something was off, she would appreciate less the times we had on facetime together, stopped doing sex calls and so on. One day, she told me she had the tought of stopping the relation but didnt want to, which while on the phone I didnt try to notice much, but kept dwelling on the night after. I called her the next morning, sobbing, that I didnt understand she could even think that. Told her she shouldnt hesitate, and that she had to tell me right away if she wanted to stop. She said she wasnt sure, and we hang on. I felt atrociously bad, and after a few hours, texted me it was bull**** and she loved me more than anything and knew deep down I was the one for her. Though, distance kept increasing day after day which led to talking about it constantly while our daily phone sessions. She finally told she needed time off, which I couldnt understand since didnt see each other face to face to even having validate what she thought she felt, and told her I'd come visit her to talk about it. We talked less prior to my visit, and I tought she was actually the one who needed to make something happen if she really loved me, since she was the one having doubts and stuff. Few days before I was suppose to go, I told her I wont come. She tried to ringed me all afternoon, and I didnt pick up. Afterwhile she messaged me to understand, I told her my position and we were kind of fighting about it. In the end, we decided it was better to stop there. After a week or two, and curiously after her gf roomie left to join her boyfriend in the country he was living in, she came back to me, and quickly told me she did a mistake. I was cold at first, but was undoubtly releave of her realisation. We finally meet up for christmas and anything came back to normal, we talked just a bit about this episode but not so much.

 

Months passed in, the old rythm catched up, and we started sharing everyday like in the beginning. Went there a couple of times, she traveled back as well. All smooth. Came next summer, we left to the same place as last time, and everything was good. All the people around us kept telling us, and her first to me, that our relationship felt so natural and that we were mating so well together, that our pilars were healthy and we would properly thrive together. Our families, our friends, everybody felt it was something special we had and we were good together. Vacation was great, except for one ride I had to the strip club with my brother, which I lied about first but quickly admited I did after she insisted, when she was so sad that it made me felt like **** and cried my ass off. We talked about it and promised were done not to lie to each other again, which I never did beforehand. Relationship still felt amazingly strong, and after this episode I went to her family house in our country, to participate to the birthday of her grandfather around a humongous family gathering. Everything was good together and with her family, they even included me into the photo album they did for the grand dad, so as to expose how people believed in us to stay together for a while.

 

After summer, she left for an other country to do an other exchange and pursue her studies, while I left our origin country to do my first job after my bachelor, before planning to pursue a more specific master in correlation with what I loved. At first, everything was fine when she landed there, we still called each other daily, and even if she felt stressed with her studies, I was there to help her relax, wish I was good at. I went to see her for the first time, and we had a good time even if she was a bit off at first, because of the stress of her studies. One thing ringed a bell tough, after I gave her an orgasm, she started crying as being super sad, and even if it happened beforehand with a few tears, it was just a rollercost of all emotion. This time, she felt really sad. I comforted her the best I can, and we kept on enjoying the week end. After this visit, she went to visit me in the country I'm now working in, and we had a great week end, with nothing to underline. She came back to her country, and everything appeared normal. She would always display so much kindness orally, by facetime, and in the texts we would exchange. Saying she loved me everymorning and every night, and so did I.

 

After one week came the break up, out of the blue. We were supposed to meet each other in our country of origin, and it would have been for my birthday and some of my family members. Two weeks prior to coming back home, on a Friday, she seemed different. Haven't talked all day, and she went to bed simply telling me good night, without a phone call or anything. Told her I tought she was busy, and she tought as well, so we didnt call. The day after, no text in the morning, ringed her to speak about date of the plane tickets, and she was with a friend at a restaurant, told me we'll talk later, I wished her a good afternoon planning on to talk with her in the evenig. However, we never called, and havent exchanged a single text. Then during the whole sunday following these, she started texting me in the evening. Told me I probably have noticed her being cold, and that she didnt feel good. Started to telling me the usual stuff, that the distance was too hard, that she doubted the relation. After a few texts, I tought ****, we cannot do this by text ! I called her, she told me she had been crying over it the past few days and she felt like ****, which killed me because we always valued communication and she never displayed anything. I told her my only modo since the beginning of this relation was her happiness, and that if she felt it was the best thing for her to do, then we'll finish it. I also reminded her that this time it would be definitive, since she already did the same thing before. So I asked if she was sure, and she told me it was what her heart told her to do. So I wished her well and hanged the phone. I was destroyed, thinking that if anything like that would happen at least I'll do my best to tell her face to face in a mature way, which we always defended. And thinking I was there one week before, and she didnt say a thing and we kept living happily, she never adressed the subject and seemed so much similar. She never had the courage to tell me face to face, or even to call me, she planned to do it by texts I actually was the one calling her to talk about it... We told each other that if we meet someone else than we'll say it, so I'm lost on what is a real reason of this breakup. She kept adressing the distance as being an issue, but it wasnt beforehand. Why now ?

 

After this, I received a text three days later, she told me she knew the reason we werent together anymore was because of the distance and her doubts, but she didnt tought this beautiful relation would stop at less than 10 minutes call, that she had been proud to be my girlfriend and that I had been a great boyfriend, as well that she will miss me. I didnt reply because I needed as less contact as possible to heal and secretly hoping she would realise, again, her mistake.

 

Ten days after, she texted for my birthday, wishing me an happy birthday and a good day, hoping I will receive this message on the phone i'd be using, and saying she kissed me. I decided not to reply at first, but did it the day after, thanking her for remembering it and wishing her a good day. Colder than she was, definitely. Few hours later, she told me she knew I was hurt and sad, but I should't act as we were strangers. I tought it was misplaced, since she planned on dropping me like a sac of **** by text despite seeing me in person one week before. But I didnt reply.

 

Here I am, two weeks after, and I keep dwelling on this. How could she drop me like that, not even planning to talk about it before hand, and feeling she didnt give me the real reasons.

 

It activated a switch, I became as obsessed with fitness as I was in the beginning in the relation, and started working my mind towards productivity, knowledge, to become the best version of myself in order to heal up, and maybe secretly to impress her.

 

I will come back home for christmas in two weeks, and I know she will be nearby with her family. I dont want to contact her, and I dont know if I'm still ready to talk with her face to face, even if I know it would either help me set a reason why and turn the page, or actually deepen the scar which isnt closed yet. I want to forget about her to find happiness again, but its nomber 1 tought in my mind atm.

 

I keep thinking and, even if I dont want to, hoping she'll realise her mistake and that we are definitely special to each other. What do I do if she comes back ? I dont even know if I want her back, even if my brain tells me no and my heart says yes.

 

Do you guys think she'll realize her mistake and fall back to that state of certainty and future together ? I want to take her out my mind has to avoid any more pain, but it's so hard to get over her unfortunately, even for a stable emotional being I am. Here is the only place I can share my feelings, as I am a bit alone in that remote country for my job, and I'm not comfortable doing it with others.

 

Sorry for the long post, don't feel obligated to read it or answer it, I tought sharing my story and feeling will help me more than anything else. Good advices on that will be appreciated.

 

Thank you all for reading.