kassy Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 My fairly new boyfriend, although we get on amazingly well and have very unusual but similar childhoods so can relate to each other much better than most so it seems much more serious than any other relationship I've had at this early stage. We also have a lot of interests in common and get on really well and both have very high sex drives. So it's magic. Anyway he's not sure if he wants any more kids. He has 2, 10 and 11 (the 11 year old is a fairly high functioning Autistic boy). We have agreed not to meet the kids for a long time. Like if it's a forever type situation. Especially given his son may find it confusing. And if rather not break up with 3 people just 1 if we do break up. Just wondering, those of you who are divorced with kids do you think he's more likely to go yes or no to more kids (just 1 would be fine)? He's 41. He's an amazing Dad, very dedicated and loves his kids a lot, Has the kids a lot and most holidays as his ex can't really handle the kids. He's not rude about her, they get on ok, are fairly indifferent to one another but seem fine at juggling their time with the kids etc from what I've observed so far. So that's good. But I did ask why she doesn't want them for more holidays and he explained she struggles with them. But is a bit better now they aren't babies (apparently she probably changed 3 nappies in their entire lives). He inferred she wanted the kids in the divorce as it would be strange if the father got them. He was ok with that as he knows how much keeping up appearances means to her and he also knows he will get them a lot as she can't cope very well even with all the help she has so that seemed the most kind thing to do. I have a sinking feeling it's going to end up being no more kids, but I don't know if I'm just being negative for no real reason and also if it's a self protection strategy. I know we don't need to worry 3 months into a relationship about this as we could break up over something else, but for now I just can't see what really. Any words of advice from anyone on the whole situation much appreciated.
Popsicle Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 From what I’ve seen, it’s mostly men who don’t see their kids often who want more after already having 3, or they have nannies or someone doing all the work of raising the kids, AND they have a lot of money where paying to raise more kids would not hurt them at all. (Think someone like Eddie Murphy). Otherwise, the average Joe, who has 3 kids that he sees weekly, does parental duties for and pays for is not going to want more. Now I have seen women date men like this and trap them anyway by just getting pregnant despite what he says. In these scenarios they both get what they deserve. I say find someone else who doesn’t have kids or has 1 kid only and wants more. Also keep in mind that you don’t have forever to wait - biological clock and all. 2
BaileyB Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 I would bet money that he is done having kids. He is 41 years old and his kids are busy with school and activities... He is probably paying child support... You have to be pretty committed to having more kids to go back to the baby stage and do it all again... If having your own kids is important to you, then you should have a serious talk with this guy... sooner than later. 3
kendahke Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 Just wondering, those of you who are divorced with kids do you think he's more likely to go yes or no to more kids (just 1 would be fine)? He's 41. If he's already got 3 children, and the oldest one is dealing with issues, then I'd say the answer is no. I'd also say stop with this line of thinking. If he's saying he doesn't want any more children, then believe him and decide if this is OK with you. If it is, cool. If it isn't, then you need to exit. Children are bottom line issues and he has every right to decide for himself that he doesn't want children and should not be coerced into producing one more that he doesn't want more than the next breath he takes. A child's life isn't worth taking the risk that he may grow to love it--that is completely unfair to that child. The child should be conceived with both parents wanting it, not just one and the other is on the fence about it. Make sure your BC is on point and working. An oopsy pregnancy will certainly grind this relationship to an acrimonious halt and that would be highly unfair to the child. 2
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 he's done having kids, he's not madly in love with you enough to have more, he's just enjoying the sex. 4
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 the 11 year old is a fairly high functioning Autistic boy Autism rates rise from 1 in 1,000 to 1 in 174 for kids whose dads had them after age 40. How Old Is Too Old to Be a Dad? I guess he may not want to take that risk, and do YOU want to take that risk? 3
mortensorchid Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 I will never understand why it is that I have met countless men who don't want kids when they never had them. Then they rebound and marry the next one who comes along barely 9 mo - 1 yr later, HAVE kids with that woman, or marry a woman who had kids already. But in this situation I will sight a few things you pointed out - First, he already has 3 of them. He's been there and done that already. And kids are expensive things, it's not like he doesn't know certain things already about them. And kids are stressful things, either individuals or small or large groups of them (I'm a teacher, I know). Second, you pointed out that you are having a lot of sex at this moment. To women, this triggers something in them that says "reproduction" even if you know within yourself that this person is not The One. You're not thinking rationally. And I would think that at some point this person is going to see that about you if you're not careful. So don't think in those terms with this person. You've only been together for 3 months and you're still in the infatuation stage with him. 1
Author kassy Posted December 3, 2017 Author Posted December 3, 2017 Thanks for the replies. Well that just reconfirms what I thought. Much appreciated. I'm not planning on having a kid so early with anyone, but given the levels of infatuation I just wanted an outside perspective on this so I can decide what to do. He hasn't said he doesn't want anymore but rather he isn't sure if he does. (But to me that sounded like the same thing) I definitely won't be getting accidentally pregnant, nor convincing or pressuring him. That is not how I would want to have a kid.
spiderowl Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 It is early stages for both of you but I think you need to settle this issue before 6 months are up. If you want kids, there may be no point pursuing this relationship. How long are you prepared to waste to find out? That is the time you give him. I can understand his feelings. Three children is a lot to cope with. It may be that he'd cope with more, but he might not voluntarily choose to have more. I think you need to know if that is an option if you stay together. I don't think 'I don't know' is an adequate response to you. He must be aware that for you it would be a case of whether to have children or not. You are both in different places. I think you could make it clear that you would not want to pursue a relationship if the option to have a child was not there. It is not a question of 'possibly' having a child in the future or thinking about it later, you need to know if it is a yes or no. 1
Author kassy Posted December 7, 2017 Author Posted December 7, 2017 Thanks for all the feedback, will have another talk to him in the next week while
kendahke Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 I will never understand why it is that I have met countless men who don't want kids when they never had them. Then they rebound and marry the next one who comes along barely 9 mo - 1 yr later, HAVE kids with that woman, or marry a woman who had kids already. Unfortunately, it's because they did not see themselves entering into that kind of a role with you--they weren't in your life for the long term. 1
kendahke Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 He hasn't said he doesn't want anymore but rather he isn't sure if he does. (But to me that sounded like the same thing) Yes. Unless a man says "yes, I want more children (with you)", then them saying they're not sure means they don't want any (with you). 2
lily999 Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 i was dating a guy for nearly a month. He didn't want any child with me, so I broke up with him. I have no patience waiting for him to change his mind, and it probably will never happen 1
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 Women need to see it as a NO, not a maybe. It's casually mentioned because they still want to keep seeing you and in a way hope it is ignored or not going to worry about it right now because it's still too early. Confronting him about it won't get you a definitive answer. He will probably dance around it saying he's not sure. Take it as a no he's not having anymore kids. 2
Els Posted December 7, 2017 Posted December 7, 2017 Sorry, not sure if you mentioned this in your post and I missed it, but I can't seem to find it. How old are you and do YOU want kids in the future?
kendahke Posted December 9, 2017 Posted December 9, 2017 i was dating a guy for nearly a month. He didn't want any child with me, so I broke up with him. I have no patience waiting for him to change his mind, and it probably will never happen Well, no... I guess he would say that. I wouldn't want children with a man I barely know. I'd have to spend at least 6 months with him, seeing how he handles all manner of life stressors before thinking he's father material for my child(ren).
Author kassy Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 Sorry I didn't reply, was a bit weird about the whole thing. Really appreciate your replies. I did read them I just needed to process them, then just as I had everything changed. Decided not to bring it up till the new year and just enjoy the relationship for now. Anyway, he (unprompted) brought up the topic and said while it's still early days and we need to wait to get to know each other better, but he can see himself having a child with me if everything continues like this. But obviously we need to wait a bit as it's all so new and we need to see what's left when the mutual infatuation wears off. But he is hopeful about our future. It was a long conversation, he is aware that if he's not ready to have another kid then to be fair to me he would let me go sooner rather than later. Anyway we put a few time frames in place and stuff for things. The conversation was tough but good. I definitely don't think he's trying to string me along and that he is being genuine. I appreciate from the cliff notes version it may not sound like that lol Fortunately money isn't an issue for us, so financially another child would not be a problem, and a nanny would be an option if necessary (but not my first choice for non-financial reasons). So I'm not sure where this will end up, but it's definitely worth pursuing for now. I really think he's a keeper, but time (not too much of it) will tell. Thanks again for your replies
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 What did you expect him to say when 90 days into a new relationship you started talking about kids? Especially with a special needs son he knows how much of a commitment bringing a life into the world is. You have the child for a lifetime. He has since revisited the subject & said it's possible. Take your victory & hush. Seriously, until you two are at a point when you are talking about Marriage, do not say another word about having children with this man. 1
stillafool Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 I couldn't blame him for not wanting more kids after having 3. Kids are very expensive and time consuming. 1
Author kassy Posted December 28, 2017 Author Posted December 28, 2017 What did you expect him to say when 90 days into a new relationship you started talking about kids? Especially with a special needs son he knows how much of a commitment bringing a life into the world is. You have the child for a lifetime. He has since revisited the subject & said it's possible. Take your victory & hush. Seriously, until you two are at a point when you are talking about Marriage, do not say another word about having children with this man. To be clear initially I don't ask if he wanted to have a kid with me, but just whether he would want anymore kids or if he had his family and was not interested in any more. Anyway, I agree with you now it doesn't need to come up again unless we are talking marriage etc. Which clearly won't be any time soon 1
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