his ex will stay in his apt, should i be ok with it

[ly399]

Maybe I should separate posts, but the issues are related. 1. my ex is sick and asked for help 2. His ex will be staying in his apt for a week!!!!

 

Dated Alan for 2 months, exclusive for 1.5 months. We are not yet official. Things are going great, at least that's what I thought until today.

 

1. My ex situation:

Chris (ex) called and said he's in serious pain. Chris' family is out of town, and his condition might be deadly. i called him right away and offered to meet him in hospital later. Alan was with me when this happened. I want to make sure Chris is ok but i don't want to push Alan aside. Alan is a sensitive and jealous guy, he isn't controlling. Therefore, I try my best to make him feel safe.

 

Chris and I were very serious at one point, almost engaged. He treats me like a family. I don't usually keep in touch with guys I dated. I didn't want to stay friends with Chris, it's more one-sided and I'm just going with the flow. But I would help anyone who's has a medical emergency.

 

Alan was very nice about the situation. I went to see Chris in hospital. I thanked Alan and told him Chris apologized for the inconvenience. Alan said he's glad that Chris and I stayed friends because now he knew if we don't work out, he could still call me. Why would he say that? Am i being too sensitive or he's implying doubts about us?

 

Alan said so many times I'm the perfect girl and he likes me very much. And the relationship is escalating pretty quickly, he was the one initiated 'the talk', and invited me to meet his family when they are visiting the town.

 

2. his ex situation

Alan's ex will be visiting the city next month. They dated 15 years ago for 1.5 years until he moved across the country for school. He was in his early 20s, and she's 10 years older than him. She and her daughter will be staying in his apt. He has a tiny apt. The women will be in the bedroom. He's probably sleeping on couch. They will also go to events together when he's home for Christmas. This is so weird IMO. Their plans are made before he and I met, so i can't blame him but it's making me uncomfortable.

 

Should I talk to him about their friendship? If he asks me about my friendship with Chris, how do I respond? Chris wants to win me back one day, Alan doesn't know that. I don't want to stir up unnecessary drama. I know Alan won't be serious with his ex because he wants kids in few years, she can't have more.

[kassy]

Alan is having his ex from15 years ago and her daughter stay at his. Her daughter is there, they have had 15 years to get back together. Non issue in my books. Can of course tell him it makes you a bit uncomfortable as you don't know her and their relationship and find it a little threatening. Then say you're sure once you've met you'll hopefully feel better about it. can he not stay with you for some if not all of those nights? I really can't see this as a big issue.

 

I would explain to him if he asks that the relationship with Chris is more one-sided. And you don't have a big need to be close friends. But that you would help any friend of yours in his current situation, and hope he can understand that, and also that once the health crisis is over you don't see a lot of reasons for Chris to really feature in your lives. Don't tell him Chris wants you back. You don't want him back and it seems generally keep distance so I don't think this is a helpful fact to add.

[MsJayne]

I don't think you should worry about it at this stage, the plans were made before he met you and 2 months isn't a long time to be dating someone, it'd be different if you'd been seeing him for 6 months and he made plans to spend the holidays with his ex after he'd already started dating you. I wouldn't question their friendship at this stage, they had a thing 15 years ago, if he wanted to be with her he would be. If it was me I'd wait to see if he introduced me to her, and see how she was towards me, before worrying about the nature of their relationship.

[JuneL]

It sounds to me like Alan and her ex are like family. He should include you in their activities together, and I think he will from what you wrote about him. Your friendship with Chris, on the other hand, is not appropriate. It's an exception when he has a medical emergency and doesn't have others around to help him out. But it's poor boundaries to continue the friendship with Chris, **knowing that he still wants to get back with you**. Also, you should have shown up with Alan in the hospital.

Edited December 2, 2017 by JuneL

[kendahke]

Alan said he's glad that Chris and I stayed friends because now he knew if we don't work out, he could still call me. Why would he say that? Am i being too sensitive or he's implying doubts about us?

 

He would say that because he sees your generosity with Chris and sees that this is the kind of person you are. I think that if this was the end of your story, I'd say you are being too sensitive and you're trying to plant the seeds of doubt in your own mind. However, you go on to say:

Alan's ex will be visiting the city next month. They dated 15 years ago for 1.5 years until he moved across the country for school. He was in his early 20s, and she's 10 years older than him. She and her daughter will be staying in his apt. He has a tiny apt. The women will be in the bedroom. He's probably sleeping on couch. They will also go to events together when he's home for Christmas. This is so weird IMO. Their plans are made before he and I met, so i can't blame him but it's making me uncomfortable. Should I talk to him about their friendship? If he asks me about my friendship with Chris, how do I respond? Chris wants to win me back one day, Alan doesn't know that. I don't want to stir up unnecessary drama.

 

See, that is where I took the turn from thinking you were being too sensitive to you being manipulative. The only unnecessary drama being stirred up is by your lying by omission. That is an unforced error on your part. It's you looking in Alan's face every day and lying to him to protect your own interests and to machine an outcome in your favor because you know the complete truth. You're not doing this for Alan, so please quit telling yourself that lie.

 

I think it's really, really bad policy that you are being deceptive with Alan about Chris' intentions, no matter how you think he's going to take it. He's entitled to know this truth.

 

Alan has been totally up and up with you and you repay him for this by 1. accusing him of implying doubts about you two; and 2. keeping a colossal secret from him about your ex's intentions that you haven't put the kibosh on once Alan brought the serious talk to you.

 

These two situation have no similarities with one another. You say this arrangement that was put in place before you even knew him makes you uncomfortable--well how do you think Alan's going to feel that you have not put Chris effectively in your rear view mirror, you know he's on a mission to get you back and he still can contact you and get an audience with you?

 

Starting relationships with lies is a really bad idea. And you're at the point where weak foundation relationships begin to fail because the representatives on their good behavior, that you two have been with one another so far, are being dismissed and the real you and the real him are coming to the fore. The real you lies by omission to further your own ends, as evident through this post.

 

You need to have a talk with Alan about Chris and his intentions--and what you intend to do to cut Chris off at the neck and actually be done with him--to the point where he's on block and can't call you when he can call family or one of his boys to come help him out. The fact that he still has an in with you says that you can be enticed back.

 

So no--you're not in a position to talk to anyone about their friendships when you've got an ex orbiting and hovering who thinks he's got a chance to get you back.

[smackie9]

You need to break away from Chris. He is not your respectability, and the fact he wants to win you back....you running to his rescue will only encourage him, even lie about his situation to make it worse than it really is. I have no doubt there were other people, friends or family he could have called on. I think you owe it to your new guy to erase Chris out of your life.

 

As for your guy's long time friend, you can offer them all over for a dinner so you can meet them. if they are a part of his life like family, then it would be gracious to invite them over. I know it's still early days, but I think you should at least make the offer.