confused83 Posted December 1, 2017 Posted December 1, 2017 How do you handle someone withdrawing at every argument? To the point where you start blaming yourself or questioning your own sanity. Basically a standard thing for me and my partner will be we have a relatively small argument it can be anything for example I book Saturday off work, she's planned something else because forgot I'd got that day potentially off. We have a disagreement. A few minutes later we make up but.. then comes the withdrawal. Sometimes it can last weeks. Where we've suddenly gone from a couple who's putting each other 1st to suddenly I'm told everything is ok but it clearly isnt. I know she does it to protect herself but I can't ever get through. Today is day 3 of this... i met her on dinner & acted as if everythings normal, when things go this way it's like this invincible thing u just know is there. So I act normal and show her things I was considering getting her for xmas. She seems disinterested to a point where I finally ask 'are we now not bothering buying each other things as I get the feeling you don't want to anymore now since we argued' she replies 'I dunno, do you want to?' So its suddenly my idea. We then get back to the car and again shes distant, eventually i get tired of asking questions and ask her to just tell me what's going on. We fall out and I dont know AGAIN if we are even together anymore or not. She then texts me 'you hurt me today I'm not sure what to do anymore' i again reply 'I don't understand why you've gone so distant on me again if you tell me what's wrong I can actually try to fix it or apologise' she doesn't reply. I already know later maybe tomorrow maybe 2 days time she'll text to say what's wrong. It's never just sorted. What do i do other than distance myself to? As it seems like a waste of life constantly being distant whenever there's a slight thing to talk about or resolve. We go from the most amazing couple to suddenly we can be like 2 people who aren't connected at all and it kills me as I prefer to get things sorted and move on.
Redhead14 Posted December 1, 2017 Posted December 1, 2017 How do you handle someone withdrawing at every argument? To the point where you start blaming yourself or questioning your own sanity. Basically a standard thing for me and my partner will be we have a relatively small argument it can be anything for example I book Saturday off work, she's planned something else because forgot I'd got that day potentially off. We have a disagreement. A few minutes later we make up but.. then comes the withdrawal. Sometimes it can last weeks. Where we've suddenly gone from a couple who's putting each other 1st to suddenly I'm told everything is ok but it clearly isnt. I know she does it to protect herself but I can't ever get through. Today is day 3 of this... i met her on dinner & acted as if everythings normal, when things go this way it's like this invincible thing u just know is there. So I act normal and show her things I was considering getting her for xmas. She seems disinterested to a point where I finally ask 'are we now not bothering buying each other things as I get the feeling you don't want to anymore now since we argued' she replies 'I dunno, do you want to?' So its suddenly my idea. We then get back to the car and again shes distant, eventually i get tired of asking questions and ask her to just tell me what's going on. We fall out and I dont know AGAIN if we are even together anymore or not. She then texts me 'you hurt me today I'm not sure what to do anymore' i again reply 'I don't understand why you've gone so distant on me again if you tell me what's wrong I can actually try to fix it or apologise' she doesn't reply. I already know later maybe tomorrow maybe 2 days time she'll text to say what's wrong. It's never just sorted. What do i do other than distance myself to? As it seems like a waste of life constantly being distant whenever there's a slight thing to talk about or resolve. We go from the most amazing couple to suddenly we can be like 2 people who aren't connected at all and it kills me as I prefer to get things sorted and move on. To the point where you start blaming yourself or questioning your own sanity. -- This is very similar to gaslighting . . . We go from the most amazing couple to suddenly we can be like 2 people who aren't connected at all -- This is telling you that the relationship is superficial -- period. It is immature and a form of stone-walling. It's time to move on. It's unacceptable and controlling behavior. Poor conflict resolution skills is one of the biggest relationship destroyers. 2
Author confused83 Posted December 1, 2017 Author Posted December 1, 2017 To the point where you start blaming yourself or questioning your own sanity. -- This is very similar to gaslighting . . . We go from the most amazing couple to suddenly we can be like 2 people who aren't connected at all -- This is telling you that the relationship is superficial -- period. It is immature and a form of stone-walling. It's time to move on. It's unacceptable and controlling behavior. Poor conflict resolution skills is one of the biggest relationship destroyers. The hardest part for me is this.... She texts me eventually and it will be something like ' You don't understand me and never try to, you scare me because you get so upset' and I'm then replying 'I'm sorry if it scares you that I'm upset but I get upset because we aren't communicating ever about our problems it's like the smallest problem can become world war 3 and I dont know how to fix It' it's like the relationship is just on and off like a light switch where I now don't even know if we are together and unless I take all the blame it's doomed but I'm sick of taking the blame.
LivingWaterPlease Posted December 1, 2017 Posted December 1, 2017 You have to decide if it's worth working on. Chances are that this will always be a problem in your R with her but you may be able to learn how to deal with it if you go to counseling together. Are you married or dating? For how long?
Redhead14 Posted December 1, 2017 Posted December 1, 2017 The hardest part for me is this.... She texts me eventually and it will be something like ' You don't understand me and never try to, you scare me because you get so upset' and I'm then replying 'I'm sorry if it scares you that I'm upset but I get upset because we aren't communicating ever about our problems it's like the smallest problem can become world war 3 and I dont know how to fix It' it's like the relationship is just on and off like a light switch where I now don't even know if we are together and unless I take all the blame it's doomed but I'm sick of taking the blame. You two don't have good conflict resolution skills. If she is saying that your anger gets out of control which causes her to be afraid, you are significantly contributing to the issue. When conflict gets too inflamed one of you, at least, has to step back and table the discussion and come back to it with calmer heads and ideas for a solution. In the end, you two are just not compatible in the area of conflict resolution and this is something that is necessary for a healthy long-term relationship. If that is lacking, you need to move on. If she is afraid of you, you'll need to take a look into your own issues and work on that. You can only change how you do things and set the example and, perhaps, if that changes, she will begin to change her ways also. Otherwise, do yourselves a favor and move on from each other. If you bring marriage and children into the mix, you're setting yourselves up for failure from the get go.
Author confused83 Posted December 1, 2017 Author Posted December 1, 2017 I love her to pieces but it's so difficult. Even if the problems a small one it can drag on for days. I dont want to leave her but it's affecting my work, my life. It drains me. To think I drove to meet her on dinner in a fantastic mood. Realised she was still off with me and now im on here sat at home in pieces. I've text her 'I know you're struggling when it comes to a problem but I really want us to fix things as a team, i want a partner. I know it's scary but I will do anything to help and you aren't in the wrong in the slightest I think you're an amazing woman, please work with me' she replies 'i need to concentrate on my work'
Author confused83 Posted December 1, 2017 Author Posted December 1, 2017 It's this guilt also that kills me. She text me first as i didnt want to disturb her at work. I replied the above message and shes now said 'great my manager has asked me if I'm okay this isn't good for my career'. So I didn't reply. Now I just feel guilty that I replied to her text when she's at work. Just feel like giving up I've never know anything like this. Once she told me her ex used to just walk out for days until she had come around but i dont want to waste days like that.
smackie9 Posted December 1, 2017 Posted December 1, 2017 ' You don't understand me and never try to, you scare me because you get so upset' This is your issue......you both don't know how to communicate. If you want to salvage this, seeing a professional couples counselor is your answer. It's not about talking to each other, but also understanding what each other is saying through meaning of the words they choose to use, tone, and body language. When to back off, when to just sit and LISTEN. It's too complex of a thing to solve here on a forum.
Redhead14 Posted December 1, 2017 Posted December 1, 2017 I love her to pieces but it's so difficult. Even if the problems a small one it can drag on for days. I dont want to leave her but it's affecting my work, my life. It drains me. To think I drove to meet her on dinner in a fantastic mood. Realised she was still off with me and now im on here sat at home in pieces. I've text her 'I know you're struggling when it comes to a problem but I really want us to fix things as a team, i want a partner. I know it's scary but I will do anything to help and you aren't in the wrong in the slightest I think you're an amazing woman, please work with me' she replies 'i need to concentrate on my work' You can love someone and still be incompatible. but it's affecting my work, my life. -- When it starts affecting you to this degree, it's time to cut bait. 'i need to concentrate on my work' -- She's right. If you are texting her at work and trying to resolve serious issues via text, you are not giving the situation or her the respect it/she deserves. You are only throwing fuel on the fire by goading and annoying her. If someone shuts down, you don't run after them with constant pulling and pleading. You are only pushing her away more. now im on here sat at home in pieces. -- Get off your rear end and do something productive and positive. Get a grip and focus. All that being said, you are beating a dead horse.
Author confused83 Posted December 1, 2017 Author Posted December 1, 2017 Well i just dont know what to do when we hace a holiday planned for a Saturday but a gf who might not be ready to communicate for 3 days meaning by then the plans are ruined over a disagreement 2 day ago that i was willing to sort that very same day.
Redhead14 Posted December 1, 2017 Posted December 1, 2017 Well i just dont know what to do when we hace a holiday planned for a Saturday but a gf who might not be ready to communicate for 3 days meaning by then the plans are ruined over a disagreement 2 day ago that i was willing to sort that very same day. You make plans for yourself -- period. I don't put my life on hold for anyone. 1
Author confused83 Posted December 2, 2017 Author Posted December 2, 2017 (edited) Well it's now day 4 of my girlfriend withdrawing from me because of a small disagreement 4 days ago. I still can't understand how else to get through to her or to ever make us work. We've been together 2 years in total. We have had the most incredible 2 months again with no arguments but 4 days ago we had s disagreement that id booked time off work for us to go away this weekend and she then made other plans assuming I'd not get the days off.... 4 days later this is what's happening so far. Yesterday she decided she needed a night out so went out with friends. We didn't speak all night. This morning I woke up & rang her to ask if shed had a good night. She answered again slightly off and withdrawn from me. I then say 'are we still on for going later today after you've seen your friend this morning as I'd still like us to go for The day at least like we said' (as we was meant to be going Friday - Sunday but as above she made other plans. Anyway she replies 'I'm not sure I'll contact you later'. I'm just so fed up of it being this way where if my gf does anything wrong I let her in to apologise... But if it's me who's even remotely in the wrong she withdraws to a point where j don't even know if I have a relationship or not anymore. I ask her outright if she still wants to be together and she never says yes or anything positive she also doesn't say no she'll say things like 'I just don't see us getting better' where as if I asked her last week how she felt about us shed of said she's happiest shes ever been. My relationship with her seems to be a pattern of if we argue I then need to spend weeks reminding her of why we was good before the argument and how many good things we have going for us. It's like she withdraws to a point where she convinces herself we aren't working. She's admitted numerous times that she does this because she's soft and she gets scared and goes into her shell. Whenever we are fine she always says it's just because of her being scared and woth me she's the happiest shes ever been so why is it that 1 argument or disagreement can cause this kind of reaction where for days/weeks our lives are in complete turmoil. We are both late 20s early 30s. So we aren't kids. I've never been in a relationship like this where it's this difficult to communicate when there's an issue. If she makes me upset I genuinely let her in that same second to apologise etc. If she's upset I seem to lose her altogether. Our plans becone non existant our holidsys are csncelled etc. Then the more I try the more she seems to suddenly change into a woman who's looking and talking down to me. It's driving me mad. I know people will say the same advice I've had off friends to withdraw back but in doing that our holidays etc are getting cancelled and that's not right Edited December 2, 2017 by confused83
basil67 Posted December 2, 2017 Posted December 2, 2017 Going back to you your first paragraph. Why did she asums didn't get the days off? Did you apply for holidays immediately and call her to confirm she it was approved?
GemmaUK Posted December 2, 2017 Posted December 2, 2017 I would reel it back further than Basil - though her question is pertinent. The way in which you have written suggests you were at fault over something related to this trip. What was the lead up? Who planned the trip? It kinda sounds like you left it late to book the holiday time or get it approved. Why was that? Is it a theme that you leave finalising things - as in your definitely free or not free until the last minute? You say the argument was petty but she obviously doesn't see it like that. 1
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2017 Posted December 2, 2017 I honestly don't understand why she is angry with you. If this is a pattern for her, I would not be very happy in your position. It doesn't sound to me like she is very committed to the relationship. And, her communication skills are very immature. I'm sorry. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 2, 2017 Posted December 2, 2017 He has another thread about her and it's clear that the relationship is not a good one. She is disengaging from the relationship and he isn't getting/accepting the message. He's stringing himself along.
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