Pumpingiron34 Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 So as many of you know or if you don't my stories on here somewhere. I went through a gut wrenching breakup after 5 years together about a year and half ago. So here I am finally a year and half later I'm in a new relationship and she's beyond nicer than the last. We have now been dateing for a month and my feeling are intensifying for her. Which is honestly bringing out a lot of insecurities in myself. There is constantly a part of my brain that is trying to decipher between paranoia and what is actually knowledge from my last relationship. H For on I'm not use to the ammount of guy friends my girlfriend seems to have even though I do believe she is the type to be able to be friends with guys. For two she found her cousin over dosed two years ago which now affects her with anxiety and often times she becomes strange or snappy. Which usually drives me away which she will apologize greatly for and offer to see a doctor again to keep me in her life. Which I'm happy about bc at least she can self reflect where as the last one was never wrong. Often when she's nice to me I get sketched out because I guess I'm not use to it and think she's doing it bc she's doing something behind my back. The sex is phenomenal but that also paranois me bc same in the beginning of my last relationship. Which later turned into barely any sex and used as manipulation. Another point would be her telling me oh yea I'm gunna have a girls night with my friend Tommorow. Which rationally I'm ok with but there's something in me that feels like I'm being ditched, when I know it's ok In a healthy relationship but I just can't seem to ease my paranoia. I just need advice on what are major red flags and how you handle deciphered paranoia from actual knowledge of the past. Even though I don't wanna compare people it's hard not to. I don't wanna get hurt again
Highndry Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 You're going to have to use your intuition as to whether or not you can trust her. It can be difficult to do that after bad experiences. Personally, I'll never date another woman who has a bunch of guy friends. Not interested. Only you can decide what works for you and what doesn't, and if something doesn't work, it's time to move on. Good luck.
Nothingtolose Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 You're going to have to use your intuition as to whether or not you can trust her. It can be difficult to do that after bad experiences. Personally, I'll never date another woman who has a bunch of guy friends. Not interested. Only you can decide what works for you and what doesn't, and if something doesn't work, it's time to move on. Good luck. I'm a woman and have a few guy friends who I've been friends with since I was like...13 (I'm 33 now). Nothing has ever happened between us, we've travelled together, hung out together hundreds of times, one of my guy friends and I even shared a bed once (due to lack of options as it was the only bed in the place) and there wasnt even any kind of sexual tension there. I honestly see these guys as brothers, we grew up together. Also, we don't live in the same city anymore, so I only see them when I go back home (once a year). I'd be okay being friends with a guy that had close female girlfriends if they had known each other for a very long time (like me and my guy friends) and had always been friends only (never had a history/slept together). That being said, I wouldn't be cool with a guy having close gf's that he met in his adult life, like at work or something...I don't know, it's so different when you're older. I remember saying to my ex once that I find it inappropriate when I see someone who is in a relationship going to lunch nearly every day with someone from the opposite sex (if they're straight, of course) one-on-one, and not as a group. I see it happening at my work sometimes. It's alright to go to lunch with a co-worker alone once in a while, but if it's happening on a regular basis, it's not respectful to your partner. I know a lot of office affairs that started like this, you start spending time with someone "as friends" and it develops into something else. We're only human and it's so easy to develop feelings for another when you bond and spend lots of time together, especially if your current relationship is having issues. If someone values their relationship, why risk it? 1
Highndry Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 I'm a woman... That's what I get for assuming it was a hetero relationship. Sorry, forget my two cents...
Nothingtolose Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 That's what I get for assuming it was a hetero relationship. Sorry, forget my two cents... lol I'm not the OP though. I think you got confused haha. 1
Highndry Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 lol I'm not the OP though. I think you got confused haha. Haha, yeah I sure did!
nolove126 Posted November 30, 2017 Posted November 30, 2017 (edited) I'm a woman and have a few guy friends who I've been friends with since I was like...13 (I'm 33 now). Nothing has ever happened between us, we've travelled together, hung out together hundreds of times, one of my guy friends and I even shared a bed once (due to lack of options as it was the only bed in the place) and there wasnt even any kind of sexual tension there. I honestly see these guys as brothers, we grew up together. Also, we don't live in the same city anymore, so I only see them when I go back home (once a year). I'd be okay being friends with a guy that had close female girlfriends if they had known each other for a very long time (like me and my guy friends) and had always been friends only (never had a history/slept together). That being said, I wouldn't be cool with a guy having close gf's that he met in his adult life, like at work or something...I don't know, it's so different when you're older. I remember saying to my ex once that I find it inappropriate when I see someone who is in a relationship going to lunch nearly every day with someone from the opposite sex (if they're straight, of course) one-on-one, and not as a group. I see it happening at my work sometimes. It's alright to go to lunch with a co-worker alone once in a while, but if it's happening on a regular basis, it's not respectful to your partner. I know a lot of office affairs that started like this, you start spending time with someone "as friends" and it develops into something else. We're only human and it's so easy to develop feelings for another when you bond and spend lots of time together, especially if your current relationship is having issues. If someone values their relationship, why risk it? I cannot agree with you more. If only my ex gf had your frame of mind, I would not be in this situation myself. This was a sensitive subject between my ex and I. She would have as many if not more guy friends than female friends. I was ok with it as i want to like her for who she is, but as time went on, it just appears she spends alot of time with guy friends and guy coworkers one on one. I texted my ex one friday night around April, only to find out she was out having dessert with a guy (whom she claims is a long time high school friend that came back to visit). If I hadn't texted her what she was up to that night, I wouldn't have known at all. We ended up having a heated argument over that. To me, that was a date, she thinks otherwise. I think it is only human nature to feel a little uneasy to have your girlfriend or boyfriend to spend time one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex like you said. She also made a comment about whether she should even tell me if she was to go out with her coworker for drinks despite the fact that the coworker has a fiancee. She thinks it perfect normal whereas I am more uneasy about it. What she likes to do is label me insecure. Sometimes I ask myself am I really insecure? I ask my male and female coworkers also if I really am, and they all agree with me that I am not, and its perfectly normal to feel what I feel. That same coworker also drives her home sometimes too. Again, if I was to make a comment about that, guess what, she'll say I am insecure. It really frustrated me as I tried to refrain from making any comments, since this was our 2nd go as she broke up with me the first time for the same reasons. I 100% agree that if someone values their relationship that they wouldn't do this, or at least offer me to meet them in person to really show that there is nothing going on. I would never go out for drinks with a girl behind my ex's back for any reason as I respected her. She wouldn't do the same for me. And oh on top of it all, she told me maybe I should see a professional for help for my insecurities....really? Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the thread Edited November 30, 2017 by nolove126
rachelangelo Posted December 2, 2017 Posted December 2, 2017 I know its hard not to compare your current relationship with your previous one, but every person is different. Have you tried talking to her about your insecurities? Women really appreciate when you open up to them. I'm sure she could help put some of your insecurities to rest.
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