Trying to Cope but its been so hard

[Bluecoco10]

I was with him for 2 years and 10 months. We'd often get into arguments where I'd suggest breaking up and he'd usually plead for me to stay. I moved away after we were together for 8 months for school. Then we were long distant. But last year during this time, I gave him an ultimatum to either move there or we'd just end things because I can't do long distant. He moved. We lived together for a year and there were plenty of ups and downs. We don't get along. Finally, after our lease ended this year in October, he was going to move into a studio at our apartment comlex and it gave me extreme anxiety because he wasn't pleading to stay together. So I suggested we'd stay together and find another place and he relented. We found another place and things got worse to the point where I broke some of his belongings. It was just a small argument that escalated tremendously and that's how all of our arguments start. It just won't ever be mended. No matter how much we discuss about how we'd change. I know he won't and I'm not going to change for someone who doesn't. Anyways, I suggested again we break up, and we had a discussion about it. We were still at odds of what we wanted. I moved out of our main room into the smaller room and have been in there since October 28th of this year. During the weekend of Nov 2., I just took an exam Saturday morning and he suggested we'd have lunch. BIG mistake. I went with him. I ended up drinking and he did too. I asked him, drunk, if I could have a hug, he said no. I was angry. Later that night, I took an uber home and he went with me. He held my hand, I pulled away, crying silently. Then, he held my hand again. We got home and I went back to my room and he came in and took my things to our room to sleep in it. I went. Another BIG mistake. After two days, I was sleeping in that room until Monday, I took my stuff out. Things still weren't good between us and I didn't want to put this under the rug. I texted him, asking him what we should do. He said he was confused. I told him I didn't want to be with someone who was confused about me. A few days later, I asked im to move out. He went out on Friday night until 2 am and after that, one weekend he was out and didn't come home until 6 am. I was an anxious mess. On Tuesday Nov. 14, I suggested couples counseling but he told me he was already checked out when he was about to move into that studio last month. I'm trying to let go because this relationship was very tumultuous and unhealthy. We don't work well together and we're incompatible. I know all these things, but it doesn't stop the pain that I feel with us separating. I've had so many memories with this guy and its embedded in every corner of this city I am currently living in. So it just sucks. I just want better tools to move on quicker. I'm learning to be more honest with myself and write down things. He is moving out of our place this weekend and I was crying for the past two days but I still haven't contacted him. I haven't spoken to him since I last suggested couples therapy which was 15 days, but I haven't contacted him in 14 days because I gave him a farewell text on that Wednesday saying I was letting him go and he didn't respond. I have implemented the 'No contact' rule to move on. I decided to travel to see my parents so that I could separate myself from the situation because it gave me anxiety. Also because I have exams coming up and I need to place my focus entirely on that. Which i haven't been focusing... I felt if I was in that house again and he was going out, my mind would just be a wreck.*We had good times, but there were so many bad times that I seem to forget whenever I get sad. I read somewhere that when times get tough, you don’t walk away, you don’t walk out. You stay and you fix it if you truly care about that person. He never cared for me. If he did, he would’ve never walked out that day. I cannot forgive him for that. I never felt so abandoned and so unloved. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I blocked his number yesterday, but I doubt that would change anything. He hasn’t even contacted me at all. Another show of proof that he doesn’t care. It’s ok. It just gave me piece of mind. I am better than him. He has friends who are low lives. Let him get sucked into another hole that he can’t get out of. I feel like I was the only one stabilizing him, but I can only do so much. Please give me any tips or advice to just be set free and be ok. I know it takes time but I'm just so overwrought with anxiety. I still love him and I miss him but I know that we cannot get back together... It's just so toxic.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Bluecoco10

[rachelangelo]

Thanks for being so open and sharing. It seems to me like you already know the right thing to do. Moving on from any relationship is hard, but if it's toxic, its good to set some boundaries. Have you considered going to counseling by yourself? Talking to someone about relationship doesn't have to be a couples only thing.