Question to women

[mmx7979]

Hi everybody,

I met this girl online and I asked her out for date. The first date went quite alright even though there was no touching aso. but we had great conversations going on, so the date itself lasted 4 hours. I want to add that I never make any moves first time I meet a girl because I just want to get to know her as well as I'm interested in something serious.

 

I suggested a second date with her and she agreed. After about one hour into the date she went to the bathroom, came back and told me that we have a great connection and there is something special about me, BUT she doesn't feel butterflies. So with other words I got friend zoned. Anyways, I told her that butterflies come with getting to know a person better as well as having physical contact and not just by sitting in a bar and chatting (was actually planing to escalte this date). Nevertheless I accepted for what it is and we went on the same evening and we had great fun and laughter.

 

Since the romantic thing was off the table I was more chilled and didn't care what she is thinking about me. We figured out during this evening that she was a female version of myself. Of course she is very appealing and attractive to me and I could imagine something romantic. That I was friend zoned by her didn't make me sweep off my feet since I have 3 more girls to go on a date with.

 

After thinking about her offer to be friends, I agreed to it - the day after - telling her that I'm up for doing something with her once in while. I accepted because we get along very well and there can be a benefit with having a hot girl as a friend - aka wingwoman. It took her only 2 minutes to respond my message and she asked me out immidiatley.

 

Now I wonder if it would be still possible to take this friendship to the next level? Yes, she told me that she doesn't have butterflies but it felt like once the agenda was off the table we got to know each other on a different level.

 

I have to admit that I'm not an easy person (very direct communicator and might appear arrogant) and she is like this too which can be for other people overwhelming.

 

So what should I do about this? Any advice/suggestiins? Is there still a possibility to turn things around?

 

I went on many dates during this year and some girls offered the friend thing but never accepted but this time it's different with her.

 

 

I'm a 38 years old and she is 34. Both well educated and well paid jobs.

[smackie9]

women like having male friends to fill in the BF gap until they meet someone they are truly interested in. So no, don't hold your breath.

 

Some people like to take their time with someone, and others like myself only go by instant attraction "butterflies".....and there is no changing that. Women pretty much know if you are BF material with the first 7 seconds of interacting/meeting you.

[Lamartine]

It sounds like you handled what could have been a difficult and uncomfortable situation very well.

 

Do I think that there is a possibility that this could evolve into something romantic? Maybe. I agree with you that sometimes romantic feelings grow as you get to know a person better.

 

I think you should seriously consider, however, if a relationship with her is what YOU want. To make an announcement like that in the middle of dinner instead of waiting until waiting until the date is over is, in my opinion, very rude: why make things awkward during a meal when you can't leave the restaurant until the bill is paid?

 

Also, in my experience, feeling butterflies in the very beginning is not only not necessary but potentially a bad thing. If you are feeling those proverbial butterflies but don't really know the person, you are falling in love with an idea or a projection. I'm in your age range too, and, while attraction is important to me, wanting to feel that intense, butterfly like feeling from the very beginning reminds me much more of how I dated in my twenties.

 

Proceed with caution: she could be capricious and might have unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should be. Stay friends if you want: you can never have too many friends! But do go ahead and see other people.

 

Best of luck and keep us updated!

[d0nnivain]

If you were in HS I'd tell you that it might be possible. But you are in your 30s. She knows her own mind & heart. If it's not working for her, then it's not working. Her offer of friendship is not genuine. The minute she finds a man who does float her boat she will throw you over. At best she's turning you into an orbiter. Proceed at your own risk

[Imajerk17]

Well, I suppose when it comes to human relations there are hardly any absolutes and anything is possible. BUT in the meanwhile I am wondering how these "friendship dates" are supposed to go. Hanging out with someone you hardly know for a few hours, where it is clear that one of you has romantic feelings and the other does not, just sounds awfully awkward to me.

 

The time and energy (hopefully not money tho!) you'd be spending on this girl, is time and energy you could be spending on someone else who actually might want to sleep with you.

[Lamartine]

I hadn't thought about the orbiter possibility. Donnivain--I think you've got a good point there.

[MJJean]

For me, attraction is a yes/no thing. Either I am chemically attracted to a man and want to have sex with him or I'm not. If I'm not attracted to him, but I like him as a person, I might offer to be friends quite sincerely.

 

If you want to be her friend, then be her friend. If you're not interested in sincere friendship, then exit stage left.

 

And, yes, it's entirely possible you'll decide to be her friend and she will eventually meet someone, fall in love, maybe marry and have a baby or two, and suddenly not have time for you anymore.

[Ruby Slippers]

I accepted because we get along very well and there can be a benefit with having a hot girl as a friend - aka wingwoman. It took her only 2 minutes to respond my message and she asked me out immidiatley.

As long as you're going dutch and you maintain this attitude, why not give it a go? Just don't let her use you as an emotional tampon, treat you as a stand-in boyfriend with no boyfriend privileges for you, etc.

 

It's a fact that most women are more intrigued by a man who's out with an attractive woman or group of women than a man out alone. I suppose it brings out their competitive instincts.

[Noproblem]

First of all, you described a scene from a novel I am planning to write one day ( haven't yet, but I am glad it became reality, in my novel, these two end up together )

 

Anyway, if you get along so well, why not keep her as a friend?

It's hard to find friends that we click with, trust me I know! Especially, as we get older, we can't really find people we click with.

 

So, maybe one day after many dates with other people you two realize that you belong to each other, but until that day ( if it ever comes), there is no reason that you shouldn't keep your friendship while you "date others"!

Edited November 30, 2017 by Noproblem

[phineas]

Friends with a woman I was out on date with would only happen if it was a group thing because hanging out one-on-one as just friends with a woman I wanted to sleep with?

would rather be kicked in the nuts by a horse.

why torture myself.

 

Woman tells me she just wants to be friends I tell her "got enough friends and to contact me if she wants to date"

 

if she contacts me after that....I try to sleep with her because i ain't got time for women who don't know what they want.

[angel.eyes]

A few things--

 

First the offer of friendship was just her way of making the rejection less harsh. I doubt it's genuine, and I highly doubt you will see much of her. She was simply trying to let you down easy and make the rejection more palatable.

 

Second, even if she genuinely wanted to be friends and hang out with you all the time, this would never work! You're already angling to try and move this to "the next level." You want out of her friend zone, even though she told you that would never happen. She told you there was no romantic potential here. Believe her.

 

Third, don't argue with someone about how they could "grow" to like you () after they are clear that they aren't interested in you romantically. She knows what she likes and what she doesnt like. She doesn't need a total stranger telling her what is best for her, namely him.

 

Here she is trying to be considerate. By telling you, you don't have a shot, she's freeing you up to go spend your time looking for someone where you actually might have a chance. And you rewarded this by arguing with her. The next time a woman disappears after a date, this is why. She had no interest in getting into a long debate about why she should give you more time.

[mortensorchid]

It's friendzoning, it won't change chances are. Accept it or don't, then move forward. It's all you can do.

[mmx7979]

As I stated – I have no problem to be her friend hence there are no feelings involved or whatsoever. I believe it is always good to have some female friends as well. It’s not that I do not have any possibilities either (I got invited to 4 new dates the next few days). I just thought since the two of us are so alike that there might happen something but no hard feelings if it doesn’t. After she told me that she is not interested this evening, she actually offered to pay as well for drinks (in her defense), so I think it’s kind of genuine form her side. Thought it was just funny once the agenda disappeared -both of us did not care anymore and we got to know each other on a much deeper level. I have been on at least 50 dates the last few months but have not gotten any connection like that on any other girl. Nevertheless, it looks like I have to keep on searching to find my partner for life. Its all a numbers game.

Yeah, it might happen that she will disappear once she get involved romantically with another dude. But, I cannot either say that I will manage to keep this friendship either since I’m on the hunt for a girlfriend as well and who knows if a new girl would accept this kind of friendship .

 

She actually offered to go bar hopping on Sunday since it was me, planning the last date she said. So I can hold you guys updated.

[Shining One]

This sounds a lot like how one of my long-term friendships started. We went on one date. At the end of the date, she wasn't feeling it romantically, but she wanted to be friends. She paid her half of the date and invited me out for the next weekend. I'll admit, part of me secretly hoped I still had a shot, but nothing ever happened between us. However, she became the best wing-woman a man could ever ask for.

[d0nnivain]

If you are not accepting friendship as a pretext, hoping for more, carry on.