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Unsure if I (26F) was inappropriate with him (26M) or if he was unreasonable?

annalilian26

By annalilian26
in Dating

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annalilian26 Member

annalilian26

Posted
Posted

A guy I met was pursuing me quite actively, after talking for a couple of weeks on messenger we agreed to go on a date and had a great time, organising a second date a couple of weeks later.

 

On the day of the second date he texted to cancel saying he had to help a friend who was going through some stuff. I accepted this and told him I hope his friend was ok and we rescheduled a few days later. Afterwards we were talking nearly every day but he went very distant and I decided to give him space. A couple of days prior to our second date he told me he had unexpectedly started something with a girl he knew from his college years who was in an open relationship with a main partner and he wasn't sure if it was a 'fling' or a 'thing'. He said he was still interested in me and if I was ok with this he still wanted to see me. I told him this was a little too complicated for me and we wished each other the best.

 

A couple of weeks later he got in touch saying he was kicking himself for his decision, that he thinks I'm great and that he would really like to date me and that this girl and the polyamorous situation was not right for him. He said he didn't want to have something casual with me and he had hopes for a potential relationship, but he wanted to take it slow. I agreed to his offer and thought it was wise to take it slow and get to know one another before committing to anything serious and we met up a few days later and had a really nice and very long date where he told me that he thought I was 'beautiful', 'one of a kind' and 'good to him'.

 

We made plans to catch up the following week. He went kind of silent again, I gave him space and then he cancelled on me the night before our third date saying he had to help a friend who was going through some stuff (this time the friend was a girl, not a guy and he clarified that he wasn't interested in her). At this stage I was a little apprehensive that he might be taking me for a ride not so I asked him if he still feels comfortable pursuing this. He then got quite defensive and asked me why I thought this and perhaps it was poor wording on my part, but I told him I noticed a pattern of him withdrawing before cancelling dates so I was concerned he might not be in the best place emotionally and I didn't want this to be an unfair situation for either of us. He then got very hostile saying that I showed a major deal breaker by telling him he showed a 'pattern of withdrawal' and that this was inappropriate of me and a major issue considering I barely knew him after two dates. He also said that he had been overworked and he felt that he should be able to 'feel ****' without having to talk to me', even though I never had expectations for him to speak to me everyday or on days he didn't feel up to it. I apologised for causing offence and I explained that this may have been a miscommunication on my part or a misunderstanding and he then blocked me on all social media.

 

I have only been single for the first time after a very long relationship and I feel like such an amateur with this dating stuff and I'd hate to think I might have behaved inappropriately without meaning to.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted

You did nothing wrong and it is HIGHLY likely your instincts were correct.

  • Like 3
fred123 Established Member

fred123

Posted
Posted

pfft women do this all the time to men

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted

You didn't do anything wrong. Usually when one gets really defensive and up in arms, it's a sign of guilt. You had a legitimate concern and you communicated it. Instead of being an adult and addressing it maturely, he felt cornered and threw a fit.

 

I believe that he was likely seeing this woman and his withdrawing/canceling was due to him being distracted either by her or someone else. All the "helping a friend", feeling stressed at work I'd take as excuses.

 

You dodged a bullet here.

  • Like 5
Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted

I don't think you were inappropriate in the least bit.

 

Don't date someone who only considers you an option and a 2nd one at that.

You deserve to be treated better than that...

  • Like 3
sdraw108 Established Member

sdraw108

Posted
Posted

Forget this guy. His behaviour has been unreasonable:

 

 

  • He's canceled two dates on you at short notice, and then tried to make it your fault when you weren't happy about it.
  • He's been seeing someone else (one that he's admitted to, but almost certainly is still seeing, or is dating other girls). This is the reason he keeps canceling the dates. He's so bad at excuses that he's even given you the same one twice!
  • He's using you as a backup plan. When his other dates don't go as well as he would like, he comes back to you.
  • He claims it's not appropriate of you to complain about his behavior because you barely know him, but it's ok for him to start talking about the potential for a relationship with you and simultaneously mess you around with dates?
  • He clearly is the sort of person who can't ever admit his own wrongdoing. Most people hide their bad traits when they first meet someone - this guy doesn't even do that! Imagine how much worse the real him is.

Don't concern yourself that you acted inappropriately. It's just the nature of dating that there are people like this. You will probably meet many more of them. Don't let it bother you!

  • Like 6
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You were straightforward. If anyone was inappropriate it was him.

 

First of all talking for weeks via messenger before meeting seems to indicate he was not particularly interested in having a real relationship. The virtual one through electronics was just fine for him . . . an ego stroke, an amusement but no genuine investment.

 

Spending more weeks (plural) between the 1st & 2nd date was another red flag.

 

For him to cancel the 2nd date last minute raised yet another issue.

 

Meanwhile he has time to reconnect with another woman.

 

More weeks go by. When he figures out playing second fiddle to the OWs main relationship isn't quite to much fun he comes back to you.

 

Then he blows sunshine in your face & you buy it.

 

He cancels the 3rd date.

 

When you protest, he tries to make this your fault. Inconceivably, you aren't sure it's not.

 

If this was a normal, healthy, straightforward interaction you would have been dating for at least 2-3 months by now & seen each other at least a dozen times. That didn't happen because he didn't let it happen. Wake up. He's using you. Walk away & don't look back.

  • Like 5
act00 Established Member

act00

Posted
Posted

You noticed a pattern pretty quickly with this guy. He went cold prior to a date and then cancelled - twice. Sure, things seem well when you're face-to-face, but he's got other stuff going on. This polyamorous girlfriend is probably still in the picture, and whether or not there are other life issues, he's just not in a place to pursue you or anything serious with anyone...if that's what he wants. He has to sever the relationship with this other (these other) girl(s) first and get his own life and psyche back in order, like with any breakup.

 

Personally, being involved with a man who considers polyamory/polygamy acceptable is a red flag. This is not necessarily an "experiment."

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. You were terribly apologetic as if any of this were your fault. You didn't intentionally call him out, but you called him out on his pattern of fading then bailing, and you have been very understanding of his "busy life." You took his excuses at face value and went with it, and it's not working for you, so you asked - what do you want?

 

His reaction was hostile.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

This guy doesn't know what he wants, and he's going to blame you for his mistakes or you being unhappy with his behaviors...and you had every right to be upset.

 

I know it hurts and you feel discombobulated over all of it, but in this case, it's not you, it's him, and you did right by trying to clarify, because you don't want to waste your time (or his for that matter). I admire you putting it all out there on the table when things stopped adding up.

  • Like 4
snowboy91 Established Member

snowboy91

Posted
Posted
A guy I met was pursuing me quite actively, after talking for a couple of weeks on messenger we agreed to go on a date and had a great time, organising a second date a couple of weeks later.

 

On the day of the second date he texted to cancel saying he had to help a friend who was going through some stuff. I accepted this and told him I hope his friend was ok and we rescheduled a few days later. Afterwards we were talking nearly every day but he went very distant and I decided to give him space. A couple of days prior to our second date he told me he had unexpectedly started something with a girl he knew from his college years who was in an open relationship with a main partner and he wasn't sure if it was a 'fling' or a 'thing'. He said he was still interested in me and if I was ok with this he still wanted to see me. I told him this was a little too complicated for me and we wished each other the best.

 

A couple of weeks later he got in touch saying he was kicking himself for his decision, that he thinks I'm great and that he would really like to date me and that this girl and the polyamorous situation was not right for him. He said he didn't want to have something casual with me and he had hopes for a potential relationship, but he wanted to take it slow. I agreed to his offer and thought it was wise to take it slow and get to know one another before committing to anything serious and we met up a few days later and had a really nice and very long date where he told me that he thought I was 'beautiful', 'one of a kind' and 'good to him'.

 

We made plans to catch up the following week. He went kind of silent again, I gave him space and then he cancelled on me the night before our third date saying he had to help a friend who was going through some stuff (this time the friend was a girl, not a guy and he clarified that he wasn't interested in her). At this stage I was a little apprehensive that he might be taking me for a ride not so I asked him if he still feels comfortable pursuing this. He then got quite defensive and asked me why I thought this and perhaps it was poor wording on my part, but I told him I noticed a pattern of him withdrawing before cancelling dates so I was concerned he might not be in the best place emotionally and I didn't want this to be an unfair situation for either of us. He then got very hostile saying that I showed a major deal breaker by telling him he showed a 'pattern of withdrawal' and that this was inappropriate of me and a major issue considering I barely knew him after two dates. He also said that he had been overworked and he felt that he should be able to 'feel ****' without having to talk to me', even though I never had expectations for him to speak to me everyday or on days he didn't feel up to it. I apologised for causing offence and I explained that this may have been a miscommunication on my part or a misunderstanding and he then blocked me on all social media.

 

I have only been single for the first time after a very long relationship and I feel like such an amateur with this dating stuff and I'd hate to think I might have behaved inappropriately without meaning to.

 

The optimist in me is saying everything leading up to the last paragraph was fine. He decided to experiment (before second date so I'm assuming not exclusive), you weren't ok with it so you let it go. He wasn't ok in the end, came back to you and second date was fine.

 

But then I look at the last paragraph and that all turns on its head. You had a legitimate concern (fading between dates) which you brought up, and he got really defensive and blew it out of proportion. I think you're right in saying he's not in the right space for a relationship... or at least not with you. It's at that point that I'd decide not to waste any more time and move on.

  • Like 1
Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

Posted
Posted

lol

What a rude immature and coward person.

 

 

Fyi, everytime he canceled, there was another girl he was pursuing

:lmao:

 

How rude, he blocked you!

 

But you kinda had it coming, you were too nice, too nice and considerate

 

You even gave him a second chance after he left you for another girl!

 

Why! He is not worth a second chance, he left you for another girl!

 

I bet he'll return after a week or so when his new "fling" does not work out.

 

Please don't give him a third chance.

 

Nice girls, nice boys finish last!

 

I know this from experience.

 

So yeah be nice and considerate, but don't be too nice that they use you and lie to you!

 

You will find better!

 

Consider it a learning experience!

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