LustStruck Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 The short-story long: I refriended a high school ex after we both wound up divorced: he was living 3 hours away but had ironically just left our hometown the morning I reached him. He always had, and continues to have an amazing heart. We always had chemistry, but in HS (circ 2003/04), I broke things off with him because I was afraid of my emotions and he is the typical hard-to-read stoic Capricorn man. I adored him but, his poker face was too strong so, I ended things before I got hurt.. Something urged me to look him up all these years later... and to reach out (which is not a thing I do, but I was feeling frisky after giving another friend closure) ... he said he wished I would have reached out the day before... either way, we were both in similar boats (divorced, depressed with the dating pool in our 30s...) and began a 'communicating several times a day' companionship... talking to him, despite his 'two sides to everything neutral approach', helped me focus and move forward. He's since relocated: here... In the back half of my house (he can come and go if he pleases, without a lease in case he needed to leave town) He was enjoying the single, unattached life there, but We've been intimate and he keeps hinting he wants some sort of title... I told him I'm not ready for that (my divorce is more fresh than his) and I told him he is free to date other women (if you like something, let it go) So he does talk to other women, but they never meet and he keeps saying "I keep comparing them to you, and it's just no contest... but somebody needs to say something if they don't want the other person looking and talking to other people"... meanwhile, he's still got his own guard up and isn't the most affectionate man I've ever touched. I won't lie: it hurts, unusually bad, to know he talks to other ladies but if I'm not ready, I don't think its fair to burden somebody with my demons until I have those under wraps... that being said, he has his own. My demons: the whole fresh divorce thing, the aftermath of that, own a (young) business, part time back in college and calculated approach to everything his demons: his ex wife jumped 3 states away with their 5 year old son (I don't believe a father should be force- separated from his child, but despite the obvious hurt it puts him through, he didn't want to press charges to rectify.. if he didn't move here, he was going to move closer to them), recreational drug use (he gets high to forget his pain: mostly mushrooms, but I did catch him with a line and told him that sh*t destroyed my parents... smokes cigs (pack a day) lives on soda/ garbage for "food" (I cook healthy... he is very picky. I chalk that up to bachelor life)... pending court case (he walked in on an ex with another dude... he is the walk away kind, but the other dude knocked out his tooth SO he fought back and won) so he is afraid there might be jail time and "didn't want to tie himself down just to be locked up and left behind". He has expressed that he knows he needs to clean up his life because he expects more from himself. I landed him an excellent job in his field here and he is an asset to the company. 2 months in, no hiccups save for one sick day out. He helps out a lot around the farm too. He invited me to his Family TG Holiday at a resort "because getting out of town would be good for me", technically uninvited me the night before (when he told me he was thinking about moving back to where he was before because he saw scratches on my back and it got to him... and he had work lined up if he needed it... I explained what they were *I scratch my shoulders in the shower... hard... and he seemed content with the answer... ) Next day, he called from work to tell me that we were leaving at 1. His parents are awesome, mom is the nicest person in the world (he is child #4/4 and you can tell that he is her baby... he asked for a Q-tip and she sat beside him and cleaned his ears... we're 30... it was endearing, but not something you picture a serious person to tolerate ), dad is very stoic but a respectable friendly guy, 2 brothers (I met) are awesome, their wives are awesome (he doesn't like one of them... we got along just fine)... Had a great time, was respectful... despite having our own suite, he was very hands off the first two nights... 3rd night, light action, and went home the next morning... A day goes by minimal contact between us with rest and recoup, but last night, after talking to his mom for an hour or so, he came in like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he laid his head in my lap and we watched TV "bc I was in his spot".. eventually, things migrated to the Bedroom... and he wanted to snuggle after for just a minute, which is a first for an almost 3 month thing. His eyes look brighter like hes happier, more relaxed... I know those are all good signs, I'm just so guarded... Maybe this is an emotional breakthrough? Maybe I left a good impression? (I was active but not invasive.. I'm more reserved, but made a point to do dishes, etc) Maybe all this one does need is love for that turn around? Maybe I'm bonkers. I remember who he was in high school and life did through him some major blows... I keep seeing his light shine though the cracks, but at the same time, I'm confused: Part of me wants to keep building him up (it's my nature), kiss away the pain and have that miracle connection everybody wants, but the other part of me watched drugs destroy my dad, so I fear the relapse... He set lower romantic standards in the beginning, but he has displayed jealousy and suggests he wants more... how do you say you're willing to tread lightly in that direction, but you need to clean up without seeming to "control" the man?
Purepony Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 What is it that you’re worried or concerned about besides the drugs?
Author LustStruck Posted November 28, 2017 Author Posted November 28, 2017 What is it that you’re worried or concerned about besides the drugs? I'm confused because he flip flops... "I don't want to get into a relationship... if you don't want me to see other people, say something..." Maybe imput, what other people take away from the original post, walk run, skip...
CptInsano Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 [...] Maybe all this one does need is love for that turn around? To believe that is a special form of hubris. Maybe I'm bonkers. Yes, you are. Run away fast. 1
Author LustStruck Posted November 28, 2017 Author Posted November 28, 2017 To believe that is a special form of hubris. Yes, you are. Run away fast. well, I am pretty awesome. Why run? he is trying
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 ...he is the typical hard-to-read stoic Capricorn man. I adored him but, his poker face was too strong so, I ended things before I got hurt.. What?! I am a Capricorn man and stoic I am not! A little too passionate (impassioned), but not stoic. Really, you need to discuss your concerns with his drug use. That you would like to move forward with the relationship, but that is contingent upon him being wholly clean.
act00 Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 It sounds like a honeymoon type of situation. He's with his family with the love and support and familiarity that comes with it, plus a woman he cares about, who seems to care back. You were away from reality during that time back home, and he is naturally settling back into something familiar, safe, and happy. He sounds like he's been in a major funk, and despite the good things going on in his life, it still takes work to build something better and stick with better. Coming home can be one of the best things, and then reality comes back, that vacation ends, and it's back to reality. Would he do better overall if he lived closer to his family, or would he still slip back into that old lifestyle in a couple weeks with work, bills, stress, missing his kid? No one knows. That's the thing. You don't know. This transformation could catapult him into better life, attitude, or he could go back to his old ways, which drags him down more than lifts him. I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock in his recent turnaround. He's happy, but is that sustainable? Will he revert? You can't make him happy. This is all on him. You can support him, but will it end up you're the nagging girlfriend/wife, the mother hen who has to care for him because god forbid he clean his own ears and he can't fix himself a healthy meal and eats crap, partakes in drugs, drinks too much? It sounds slippery to me, OP. This latest change is temporary, IMO, and I hope I'm wrong, but he has to go back to work and reality.
CptInsano Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 well, I am pretty awesome. Why run? he is trying Act00 said it well, but you are not here to build him up. He is struggling with a number of issues, some of which you had to face in your own family. You want to fix things, but only he can make things right for himself. This sounds like a classic savior relationship where you cling on every glimmer of hope. 1
Zahara Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 Don't be a fixer. It usually comes at the expense of your own emotional and mental wellbeing. 2
smackie9 Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 This has nothing to do with when he was born. He is an individual with human issues. I agree don't be a fixer....you're best be finding someone who is stable/reliable/and fulfills your expectations. Healthy relationships flow with ease. Bad ones will wear you down/confuse and frustrate you to no end. 1
Purepony Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 I'm confused because he flip flops... "I don't want to get into a relationship... if you don't want me to see other people, say something..." Maybe imput, what other people take away from the original post, walk run, skip... Sounds like your both jaded a bit ? I don’t blame you if you are and I don’t blame him either but I think the it would be helpful of this will be to help each other out through Since it’s obvious some feelings are there
Heather4 Posted November 30, 2017 Posted November 30, 2017 He's living in your house doing drugs and doesnt tey to fight for custody. And yes men can fight for custody..You let him sleep with other woman and you get hurt because your not ready. Well you shouldnt have let him move in. I say cut your losses also not having him on the lease is a BAD move and will only screw you over financially. Your basically living with a roomate whom you are going to eventually resent.
Noproblem Posted November 30, 2017 Posted November 30, 2017 I didn't see the big problem until I read about the scratches why would he leave you because of the scratches on your back really? 1-Is that because he wants a perfect body? or 2-Does he suspect you are having an affair? or 3-Is it because he is afraid that you are hurting yourself? I don't get it? If it's 1, then he is perfectionist and you won't match to his expectation if it's 2, then he doesn't trust you and you can't really get a good life together if it's 3, then awe how nice of him to be considerate! Anyway, I really feel you are not ready for him! Plus he does drugs, that is not a good thing. 1
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