Dating a man with kids and an ex-wife

[isitworthit]

I'm going to try and simplify this, so hang in there.

 

I met someone completely unexpected from a website talking about video games. We immediately hit it off - we had the same interests, sense of humors, silly quirks, and the same way of thinking. He was basically everything I was looking for in a man.

 

I'm recently divorced (March - but we separated last year) with no kids. His divorce was finalized in July and they have 3 children together. We had talked a little bit before then as friends during their separation, just talking about our interests, etc.

 

I'm 25, he's 26 and so is his ex.

 

His boundaries with his ex-wife are... weird, if nonexistent. She initially cheated on him & left him for another man, came back to him, then left him again for the same man.

 

When we started talking, she had messaged me on social media (no idea how she found me) "warning" me about how mean he was to her, how he was unstable and needed therapy (he has a mental illness which can be bad if not handled properly, everything he laid out on the table for me to understand before her message). I accepted the warning but did not respond.

 

She has moments where she goes "crazy." One time while I was at his house, she actually came over and started screaming. I was inside the house and she was outside, he went out there to talk to her, I stayed in. I heard her yell my name and a bunch of pretty horrible things. She calls him "retarded" a "bad father" "bad person" etc and one time even told him she wished he would die. Sometimes she texts him 20 times in a row while I'm with him, talking about how hurtful he was to her, how he should be happy he's off "screwing around with a girl [me]" while she's still struggling with how bad of a husband he was, etc. which I don't fully understand because she has been talking marriage with her boyfriend, the guy she left him for.

 

All of this is super weird to me. The weirdest part is that while she's texting him all these horrible things, she talks to him about her boyfriend. Most importantly, she talks about her sex life with said bf, and even asks about mine and his sex relationship (he does not answer, or at least he says he doesn't). He has told her repeatedly this is not appropriate, but she still talks to him about EVERYTHING personal in her life and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

 

Our relationship is very healthy, we communicate really well, and we always talk about our feelings openly. I want to eventually meet the children, but not with her acting like this. I feel like she's going to start involving me in her tangents once I meet the children and I'm not comfortable with her talking about me at all. In general, I'm afraid her issues will start leaking into our otherwise good relationship, and it probably has already started since I'm writing this.

 

Recently she messaged me talking about how excited she was for me to meet the kids and how she's okay with it. It was generally a nice message, but I was not very happy about it at all. I blocked her after she sent it because I do not want her messaging me. I believe she has no boundaries with anyone in her life, and I don't want to be one of those people.

 

Do I just need to step away from this situation? I honestly feel like she's not going to get better, and while him and I love each other, I feel like she's going to constantly try to put a wedge between us forever.

 

Does this ever get better? :/ Has anyone else had any experience with this?

[smackie9]

Just walk away......this is someone's drama/baggage that you can't avoid if you stay...time to get out.

 

BTW this isn't just her...this is his fault too for not getting a handle on the situation, and then dragging you into it. He needs to get his $%^* together before get has a relationship with someone else.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, their divorce is still fairly new and she is CLEARLY not over her feelings for him. She appears to have a lot of anger and resentment toward him, and is super jealous of you. She may also be drunk when she's sending all of those texts in a row.

 

Will it get better? Will she simmer down? Probably, but it's really impossible to say at this point.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Man o man! I wish I had listened to people smarter than I about my ex before I made all the sacrifices to be with her!!! My ex had similar issues, but I thought I was going to swoop in and everything was going to be rosey. Too much drama before...there will be too much drama during. I would seriously consider walking away.

[BaileyB]

Let me say, I would never want to be in a relationship with a man who is still involved with an unstable exwife... And, they are still "involved" because they have kids, they will be involved in each other's lives for years to come... And, of course there is the history that she came, and went, and came, and went again... No, thank you.

 

And this, from a woman who is involved with a man who's exwife has mental health issues. The difference, he has very firm and very clear boundaries with his exwife.

 

As for the kids, until you know that you are committed to each other for the long haul, don't meet his kids. To introduce yourself, let them get attached, and then leave is a very cruel thing to do to kids. Slow and steady wins the race...

[elaine567]

Walk away.

You are only 25, you do not want to be looking after some other woman's kids and being piggy in the middle for years and years.

This will go on for decades, do not do this to yourself.

Find yourself a single man with no baggage, make you own love nest and raise your own kids with no mad woman sticking her oar in.

 

Life is hard enough without making it unnecessarily complicated

[Sunlight72]

I really agree with Elaine.

 

Picture this woman seeing you at the grocery store in a year and walking right up to you to yell that you're a bitch, and follow you to your car, calling you names as you try and get away.

 

You're not just talking about a relationship with you boyfriend, you are entering a relationship with this woman and three tug-of-war children as well.

 

No thanks.

 

If you stick with him (& her & them), you'll need to start interacting with her and learning how to soothe and pacify her, because she's not going away quietly.

Good Luck.

[Noproblem]

I feel like this is a low life they are leading.

 

They can drag you down with them, you know how many men play video games you can meet?

 

Millions! Millions!

 

You have millions of options to date someone else who plays videos games and who also happens to like hiking in the mountains or the same rock band or whatever you guys decided you have in common.

 

Just get out of this relationship, you are still young, and the world is your oyster!

 

The virtual and the real world is your oyster. This relationship will only bring you drama!

Edited November 29, 2017 by Noproblem

[act00]

The issues with these too are far too great to continue with this man. Not only does he have his own mental issues, but so does she, and in that aspect, you have no idea when or if this guy is going to break down, and once unraveled, it's hard to get back. Second, this woman is not going to go away, and in fact, she may escalate, and I'm willing to guess it's not a "might" but a "definite," and who knows what kind of crazy she'll unleash on you. She could ultimately withhold the children and keep him tied up in court, expensive, draining, stressful. The kids will be stuck in the middle, and who knows what kinds of behavioral issues will unfold, plus her trash-talking you, making it impossible to take on the role of stepmother, and expecting them to respect you and the rules of the household.

 

This guy sounds like everything you want and more, but the situation with the ex is going to be a major, major issue now and in the foreseeable future. He has to create boundaries. The two of them could probably use a mediator (expensive) and possibly counselling. Custody and child support will be your burden as well as his along with the crazy ex. You're not just taking on this man but three children, and very young children at that. It's a rocky and unstable foundation, and until those two work out whatever they have to work out, it's not going to do well for you and your future. You've heard about and read some horror stories like this, I'm sure...you're in one right now.

 

The divorce was just finalized recently and they have crap to sort still, between each other, the kids, and in their personal lives. Move on, leave him to heal and be a dad, and you can find someone more stable and in a better place to take on a wife and stepmother for his children.

 

You think it's pretty bad now. Just wait until you get involved with the kids.

[kendahke]

The biggest issue here is that he doesn't shut down conversations with her that are not about the children.

 

I don't think is going to get better until he finds a firmer way of handling her. It certainly isn't going to get better once you meet her children. I think it's only a matter of time before her boyfriend kicks her out again and she turns her attention on breaking up your relationship. I say that because someone who has cheated twice, left twice for the same man should be happy in her current life, not trying to figure out ways to still be a part of and control the life of her ex.

 

I'm curious as to why your guy didn't go for primary custody of his children, since their mother has broken their home up twice?

Edited November 29, 2017 by kendahke

[isitworthit]

Oh wow!

 

I did not expect to receive so many responses. I read through most of them last night, so thank you everyone for responding. I really appreciate it.

 

We had a big talk last night and I knew I was on the fence about ending things, and after reading your responses it sort of solidified my decision. So I finally told him how I was feeling. We both cried, it was really hard, I'm still really upset... but ultimately I know it's the best decision for me to end things. I can't stop living with the constant anxiety of his ex freaking out at us any minute. He told me he would try harder - he said he was going to make a strict no contact agreement, but... I don't think she'll stick to it. At all. I'm skeptical and understandably so.

 

I'm going to miss him so much and I'm incredibly sad right now, but... I'll be okay eventually.

[PegNosePete]

he said he was going to make a strict no contact agreement, but... I don't think she'll stick to it.

It's not possible to have no contact because they have kids together.

 

She will always be a part of his life. ALWAYS.

 

You made the right choice. At your age you do not need this kind of drama. Maybe it would get better, maybe it would get worse, maybe it would stay the same. Who knows. But it's your youth that you're gambling with; that's a pretty big ante.

[Sara1989]

What are you doing with a man with so much baggage at YOUR AGE?

 

I say this as an 28 year old single mum of one child, I would never go there with a man with an ex like that with 3 kids. I next guys for much less when its obvious they have problems with their ex.

 

EDITIED- Oops saw you ended it, hope you stick to it as you can do so much better.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Sara1989

[Lamartine]

You made the right choice.

 

I married a man with two ex wives and a daughter with each. The second ex wife and daughter caused us problems throughout our marriage. If his ex if like my husband's ex, she will eventually start turning the kids against the both of you. Particularly if she is angry and he is no longer contacting her.

 

My biggest concern here, though, is that he is entertaining these angry and intimate conversations with her. While she will always be in his life as the mother of her children, if she can't control herself, he needs to limit contact with her to contact regarding their kids. There is an app--I think it's called Our Family Wizard--that courts have begun to use in divorce cases with children when the order spouses are hostile. It records all contact between the spouses and notifies the court of hostilities and failures to respond to inquiries about the children. Something like that could really help in a situation like this.

 

You are young. Go out and have some fun! If you still wonder about a future with him, tell him to get a handle on this situation and call you when the drama has subsided.

 

Yes, they need to communicate about their children. But the fact that they are still fighting and he takes her abuse makes me wonder whether he has unresolved feelings towards her as well.

 

I know this is hard. But, take the following advice from someone who did marry into a less dramatic but similar situation: the ex wife and children will always be there; things will get more difficult as the children get older and their needs change; and, if she remains this angry, she will find one way or another to insert herself into and sabotage your relationship.

[Lamartine]

Pardon my typos! I don't have my contact lenses in right now...

[smackie9]

Oh wow!

 

I did not expect to receive so many responses. I read through most of them last night, so thank you everyone for responding. I really appreciate it.

 

We had a big talk last night and I knew I was on the fence about ending things, and after reading your responses it sort of solidified my decision. So I finally told him how I was feeling. We both cried, it was really hard, I'm still really upset... but ultimately I know it's the best decision for me to end things. I can't stop living with the constant anxiety of his ex freaking out at us any minute. He told me he would try harder - he said he was going to make a strict no contact agreement, but... I don't think she'll stick to it. At all. I'm skeptical and understandably so.

 

I'm going to miss him so much and I'm incredibly sad right now, but... I'll be okay eventually.

He can say whatever, but it won't change her. Him not being able to control her and her being so unpredictable, you don't know what kind of danger you could find yourself in. She was stalking you for f sake....it's too much of a sick situation. You are making the right decision.

[kendahke]

He told me he would try harder - he said he was going to make a strict no contact agreement, but... I don't think she'll stick to it. At all. I'm skeptical and understandably so.

 

I think you're right.

 

He can't control her and he can't go strict no contact with her because of the children. The onus to change is on her, not him.

 

It's really not difficult to act like a mature adult in a divorce situation, especially if you are the one who caused the break up of the marriage in the first place. If she wanted to act right, she would. She's choosing not to and that not only impacts your relationship with this guy, but it's impacting her children who are watching her act a fool.

 

I appreciate that doing this was difficult for you, but in the long run I think you'll be far happier without the stress of this loose cannon in your life blowing holes in your peace of mind.

[coolheadal]

I'm going to try and simplify this, so hang in there.

 

I met someone completely unexpected from a website talking about video games. We immediately hit it off - we had the same interests, sense of humors, silly quirks, and the same way of thinking. He was basically everything I was looking for in a man.

 

I'm recently divorced (March - but we separated last year) with no kids. His divorce was finalized in July and they have 3 children together. We had talked a little bit before then as friends during their separation, just talking about our interests, etc.

 

I'm 25, he's 26 and so is his ex.

 

His boundaries with his ex-wife are... weird, if nonexistent. She initially cheated on him & left him for another man, came back to him, then left him again for the same man.

 

When we started talking, she had messaged me on social media (no idea how she found me) "warning" me about how mean he was to her, how he was unstable and needed therapy (he has a mental illness which can be bad if not handled properly, everything he laid out on the table for me to understand before her message). I accepted the warning but did not respond.

 

She has moments where she goes "crazy." One time while I was at his house, she actually came over and started screaming. I was inside the house and she was outside, he went out there to talk to her, I stayed in. I heard her yell my name and a bunch of pretty horrible things. She calls him "retarded" a "bad father" "bad person" etc and one time even told him she wished he would die. Sometimes she texts him 20 times in a row while I'm with him, talking about how hurtful he was to her, how he should be happy he's off "screwing around with a girl [me]" while she's still struggling with how bad of a husband he was, etc. which I don't fully understand because she has been talking marriage with her boyfriend, the guy she left him for.

 

All of this is super weird to me. The weirdest part is that while she's texting him all these horrible things, she talks to him about her boyfriend. Most importantly, she talks about her sex life with said bf, and even asks about mine and his sex relationship (he does not answer, or at least he says he doesn't). He has told her repeatedly this is not appropriate, but she still talks to him about EVERYTHING personal in her life and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

 

Our relationship is very healthy, we communicate really well, and we always talk about our feelings openly. I want to eventually meet the children, but not with her acting like this. I feel like she's going to start involving me in her tangents once I meet the children and I'm not comfortable with her talking about me at all. In general, I'm afraid her issues will start leaking into our otherwise good relationship, and it probably has already started since I'm writing this.

 

Recently she messaged me talking about how excited she was for me to meet the kids and how she's okay with it. It was generally a nice message, but I was not very happy about it at all. I blocked her after she sent it because I do not want her messaging me. I believe she has no boundaries with anyone in her life, and I don't want to be one of those people.

 

Do I just need to step away from this situation? I honestly feel like she's not going to get better, and while him and I love each other, I feel like she's going to constantly try to put a wedge between us forever.

 

Does this ever get better? :/ Has anyone else had any experience with this?

 

Bad choice for you. The man is still in love with her and she's playing in the fishing pool of love with other men. They have kids you don't. He's not for you. You need to find a guy who doesn't have kids yet.

[mortensorchid]

Divorce is a terrible thing, especially when it's fairly fresh like it is with these two. But I suspect that if there was another woman in the middle of this other than you, she would be subjected to the same things that you are from the ex wife.

 

Decide for yourself if you still want to be with this man. If the answer is yes, you have to accept certain things and move forth with him. If the answer is no, then move on. If I were in said situation I would not be with him, I think he'd need more time to heal from it.