In love with emotionally unavailable man

[lena_b_v]

Warning...long post!

 

My boyfriend is definitely emotionally unavailable, and we have been together for one year as of a few days ago. We met on a dating website and hit it off immediately. He seemed so into me in the beginning and now has totally backed off. He was the initiator of texts and phone calls but after a few months, it cooled off and I was so confused. I became the one initiating texts and contact as he didn't seem interested any longer. I got sick of it and broke it off with him about 6 months ago but he wanted to get back with me after one day of us being apart.

 

I always feel miserable because I have no validation of our relationship. I definitely know that he is emotionally unavailable after reading about it online. He never ever wants to make plans so I never know when and if I'm going to see him, especially on the weekends. He always uses being busy and tired as an excuse. He owns two businesses. We never talk about feelings or emotions and he's never said that he loves me or is in love with me. I do know that I love him but never expressed it to him.

 

He's divorced and he has dated after the divorce; however, I am the first girl that he's had a long-term relationship with after the divorce. He has a 10 year old daughter but will not introduce me to her. We've attempted once and she gave him attitude and dirty looks so it didn't happen. I feel so sad because all I want to do is meet her and be a part of her life. I help him with things for her but of course, I never get the credit because she doesn't know about me. I think after one year...it's time. He's met my son already. I feel like he doesn't want to "rock the boat" with her because he feels guilty about the divorce but it's been 2 years!

 

I've met all of his family and friends, and he's met all of mine...of course, with the exception of his daughter. He's attended family functions with me too. We're even going on vacation together in March for one week, and he invited me...he said I'm the first girl he's invited on a vacation (of course with the exception of his ex-wife). We have a great time together, and he's all that I've wanted with the exception of the emotional unavailability and the uncertainty of how he feels about me.

 

I would love some advice as to how to proceed with this relationship. I'm pretty certain he must have strong feelings for me if he's been with me for one year, introduced me to his family and friends, and is bringing me on a one week vacation. I just hate being miserable not knowing how he feels about me and I know he won't be willing to talk about it. He must know how to love and express love if he's been married before...

[carhill]

I can't speak for the gentleman in question but I can share that divorce and death seemed to kill off something in me. I see glimpses of the emotional vivacity which was once there but gotta admit, more generally, there's a cold neutrality more at the forefront. I test this by analyzing feelings for women I've known and loved in a non-romantic way for a long time. Situationally, meaning in the moments of interaction, there are spurts of what was normal before, then it's back to nothing.

 

The main difference is, when I noticed this while doing some dating while separated nearly a decade ago, I stopped dating and haven't dated since. I don't believe in subjecting women to what I feel is an unhealthy state, in part because of being a whipping boy for women in my younger years and knowing what that feels like. I guess there's some empathy left but it pretty much ends there.

 

What's his alimony/child support milieu? I know that can be brutal for some guys and they'll get focused on divorce recovery and being a parent and other relationships languish. Does he have 50/50 custody? If so, and if he chooses to not include you, that right there puts some big constraints on your interaction and intimacy building.

 

For you, IMO no magic fix. Relationships are voluntary. If you don't like where this one is going, communicate and if no resolution you can live with, move on. I'd look to the vacation in March as a bellweather event. If the two of you alone having fun aren't in an ideal state for you on the intimacy front, I'd move on. It doesn't get any better than the honeymoon period of early dating and sex.

 

Speaking of the latter, is he loving sexually? Attentive to your needs, desires, and fantasies? Interested and engaged? Sometimes men communicate emotion more through sex.

[Zahara]

I'm pretty certain he must have strong feelings for me if he's been with me for one year, introduced me to his family and friends, and is bringing me on a one week vacation.

 

Introducing you to friends and family doesn't necessarily mean that one is truly emotionally invested in you. Some can go through the motions and keep things leveled on their terms depending on what their needs/wants maybe and what you can provide. I had an ex who took me on vacations and introduced me to family and friends -- unfortunately he was also cheating on me. If his actions are showing you that he isn't committed or invested in the way that you would hope for him to be after a year of being together, then you need to walk away. Seems that this behavior already started a year ago when you first started dating -- I don't think it's going to change.

 

I just hate being miserable not knowing how he feels about me and I know he won't be willing to talk about it. He must know how to love and express love if he's been married before...

 

If there is no communication, there is no relationship. You can't proceed if he does not want to talk. The fact that he does not want to talk about it is an indication that he does not want to give you anymore than what he's giving you now.

 

Being married isn't an indicator that someone knows how to love another in a healthy manner. There are people out there that love with dysfunction.

Edited November 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[lena_b_v]

I did forget to mention that his father passed suddenly almost 2 years ago, and he was witness to the entire incident, which seems to have emotionally scarred him. He doesn't enjoy celebrating holidays since his death.

 

He does not have primary custody of his daughter. He only gets her when he asks for her. They don't follow a set schedule.

 

He is very loving sexually. I have no complaints in that area. He is very attentive, interested, and engaged.

 

Any advice on the not saying "I Love You" at this point in our relationship? I just kind of want that validation...

[carhill]

Does he tell his mother/sisters he loves her/them in front of you? I'm trying to get a sense of how he expresses himself....

 

BTW, welcome to LS

[lena_b_v]

Nope, he's told me before that his mom doesn't say she loves him because she knows it makes him uncomfortable. He's even said that he has a hard time telling his daughter. I'm guessing I'll never hear it if he can't even tell his own daughter.

[smackie9]

my friend's sister dated a guy like him for several years. No once did he express that he loved her. They did the share the holidays, saw family and all that crap, but he never got to that point where it was solid. She finally gave up and dumped him. he didn't chase after her, so be careful with "emotionally" unavailable men. After a year, and you are still spinning your wheels on this...either have a conversation with him, or simply end it.

[smackie9]

Nope, he's told me before that his mom doesn't say she loves him because she knows it makes him uncomfortable. He's even said that he has a hard time telling his daughter. I'm guessing I'll never hear it if he can't even tell his own daughter.

He will tell you then. If you can't accept this (I know I wouldn't), it might be time to reassess what the hell you are going to do.

[carhill]

That's his communication style. Some men simply don't verbalize their love.

 

Classic from my generation: 'Well, I'm home every night and hand you my paycheck every week. Of course I love you'

 

How would you delineate between emotionally unavailable from emotionally un-demonstrative? To me there is a difference. What I experience personally I believe is complete unavailability, like a dead soul. When glimmers of light appear, however, I've no problem demonstrating love and communicating it verbally.

 

You stated that he's loving, attentive, interested and engaged sexually. Is that a substitute for words? IDK. Lack of similar outside the bedroom? Up to you.

 

The answer I used to get from my exW when she had a similar communication problem was 'Well, I feel it inside'. OK, hon, I'll be a mind-reader

[d0nnivain]

After a year I'd need the words too. Have you ever told him that?

 

 

My husband is rather stoic & does not express emotion, especially in public. At his grandmother's funeral he didn't cry. He just stood there like a stone. I could see the pain in his eyes & I knew he was drawing on every ounce of inner strength he had & all his training from the Marine Corp to keep it all in. His mother started badgering him to stop being a robot & let it out. I had to run interference & tell her to leave him alone that he would grieve in his own way in private but she was causing a scene by picking on him at the service.

 

 

Early on in our relationship I talked about my preferences & needs. I expected kisses hello & good bye. After we started saying I love you, I expected it every time we parted. I expected hand holding or connected arms when we walked together. I also had this other thing about greeting cards. My mother in law practically laughed at me & said point blank that her son was too emotionally closed off to do any of that. I didn't agree. Anyway, because I was specific about what I wanted, used humor to break through his shell & was patient, DH was happy to give me what I asked for. Given his military background he also understood that when somebody walks out that door or hangs up the phone there are no guarantees so he actually appreciated that request. Some of the rest of it, he didn't get but was happy to go along because he saw it made me happy.

 

 

Thus my advice is talk to your guy. Don't analyze him. You don't need to delve into why. You just need him to provide you with some validation. But keep it simple. Don't make too many demands but understand that a guy who owns two businesses & is a single dad doesn't have a ton of spare time. If he's introduced you & gone on vacation with you, his actions say there is something there. He may be a tad depressed over his own father's death. Be sensitive to that too.

 

 

DH is certain not Mr. Romance but he's a solid guy. I know he loves me & is devoted to me even if it doesn't look like a fairy tale. It's the little things. As one of my friends put it after snapping a picture of us as the beach, "you know DH loves d0nnivain because he's here at a place he hates -- the beach -- simply because she loves it so much."

[kendahke]

You need to learn to get used to being with someone who is emotinally unavailable because he's not going to change. You resuming the relationship after the break told him that while you may pout and stomp your feet, you're not going to go anywhere, so he doesn't have to break any sweat for you.

 

I think it was a bad idea to introduce your son to him because you're showing your son that how this guy acts is acceptable treatment because you're remaining with him.

 

Instead of viewing this guy as a competition you must win, you need to just let him go and go find a man who is capable of showing you the affection and attention you need. This guy ain't that guy and any more time spent with him is you telling him that how he treats you is just fine with you.

[kendahke]

I did forget to mention that his father passed suddenly almost 2 years ago, and he was witness to the entire incident, which seems to have emotionally scarred him. He doesn't enjoy celebrating holidays since his death.

 

How old is he? 14?

 

Not that he has to get over his grief on anyone's timetable but his own, but if it impacted him this much, he needs to talk to a therapist to get unstuck from it because it impacts how he treats with you. I'm taking that he hasn't bothered to do that, right?

 

He does not have primary custody of his daughter. He only gets her when he asks for her. They don't follow a set schedule.

 

Neither of you should be meeting either of your children until your relationship is on a more healthy level. It's not there.

 

He is very loving sexually. I have no complaints in that area. He is very attentive, interested, and engaged.

 

Well of course--because love has absolutely nothing to do with sex for some people and especially people who are emotionally stunted. It's a physical release, not a means by which to go emotionally deeper with you.

 

Any advice on the not saying "I Love You" at this point in our relationship? I just kind of want that validation...

 

Lower your expectations because as he is right now, you're not going to get this. You've known this for a year now.

 

Expectations are resentments under construction.

 

Oh, and I refer you to my tag line below:

_ _

| |

V V