cole Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 You know what may be helpful Orto? If, instead of writing an email, you write her a letter. I've found that by the time I've hand-written the "perfect" letter, I don't much feel like sending it anymore (!), but I feel a lot less weighed-down. Email is dangerous, because once you hit "send", you're stuck with what you wrote at that moment, and sometimes your feelings change throughout the day, at least I know my feelings have changed dramatically in the course of one day! I also don't think email gets the same attention as a letter does, but that's just my personal opinion. Anyway, maybe you should hold off on the emailing for a bit - at least give it a week or so? Hang in there.
Author orto Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 Ya maybe I will do that. But what should I write in the letter? Should I say what that you're wasting time by doing this and it wont help anything. What if by the end of 6 months, she still feels the same, like she doesnt know anything or can't explain herself. I feel like my life has to be taken step by step now, like everything needs to be explained out to me. I feel like such a baby, honestly. She has given me guidance in my life, and she has seemed to lost her self-guidance and what she wants, its so confusing. Why can't women decide on things as easily as men can?
cole Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Oh, men have just as much trouble deciding things, TRUST ME. Regarding your letter - say everything and anything you want to say. Make it the companion piece to the letter she has written you. But make sure not to hold it over her head, like she is doing with her letter. Just write all the stuff you want to get out, and then read it. And then re-read it. And then re-read it again. Take your time with this. The worst thing that you could do is rush the situation - you both need time to think and re-connect with yourselves. It's scary I know! You probably feel really weird, like you're naked on a tightrope. Try to regain your balance before moving on, so that you can catch yourself if you fall, without having to rely on her to catch you. Does that make sense to you at all? I hope so!
Author orto Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 Yea, its real scary at the moment. Buy I don't quite catch the concept of "hanging it over one's head" completely. I'm definately going to try this technique, and say everything in my head. It feels like so much in my head and so many things that I need to say, its just giving me a headache.
cole Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Buy I don't quite catch the concept of "hanging it over one's head" completely. I'm definately going to try this technique, and say everything in my head. What I mean is, try not to use the letter you write as a means to an end, but rather, use the letter as a way to clear your mind of all of the headache-inducing thoughts that are holding you back. Your gf, or ex-gf, is using her letter like bait, enticing you to stick around long enough so that you can read what she has written. I'm thinking that you, should you write a letter of your own, might benefit from not waving it around under her nose. Basically, don't do what she's doing! If possible, since it doesn't seem like she's being very fair to you by using her letter as a means to an end. Also, you may get a lot more out of writing the letter if you focus on you and your feelings, not just on her.
fundamental Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by cole Orto, I bet if you disappeared completely from her life, the time-frames that she has set up - 6 months for the letter, 2 years no contact - would disappear, or shorten dramatically. She's controlling you by holding everything over your head, making you jump through hoops that she's created, and she probably knows that you can't effectively accomplish what she's laid out for you. She says that she'll send you 6 pages that explain everything, a letter that will bare her soul and enable you to understand all that she is and where she's coming from. I myself would love to receive a letter like that - it's the Holy Grail of lost relationships, the missing link in the broken chain of love. But you can't receive any clarification for 6 months, and I do not doubt for a moment that her sending that letter is dependent on your behavior. What if you don't act appropriately during that time? Will she tack on another 3 months for bad behavior? What if she decides that the letter is too telling and rips it up before you ever get to see it? And, most importantly, do you really need to see it? What if everything in that letter just confuses you more, or makes you realize how wrong you are for each other? CONTROL, CONTROL, CONTROL. She's playing with your heart, Orto. Would you do this to her? Would she ever allow you to be so bold? She's got a 6-month reprieve wherein she can get away with anything and you will give her your blessing because she has the letter. Imagine if that letter held no sway over you and your choice to move on. What would she have to hold over you? And why would someone want to hold their feelings and love for another person over that person? Is love a power struggle? I feel your pain and sense you frustration, I really do. But the thought of what she is doing to you makes me kinda angry - it seems so unfair and mean to do to someone you supposedly care for. great advice!
Author orto Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Little update for ya. No contact has been established so far. I just finished typing my lettter that I will be giving to her in a month, and it is 2800 words long. I do feel better and have less of a headache now.
Sal Paradise Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Why would you want to be with someone this controlling? The minute she ask you to give up your friends and family for her you should of told her to **** off. The reason she wants you to wait around for 6 months is so she can control you. She wants to go off and screw whomever she wants and know she has you dancing on strings like her little puppet. She knows you will sit around and wait for table scraps. Its good you established NC but you need to stick to it. If she does decide to get back with you and you decide you want her as well (which I would advise against), you need to lay down some rules. She thinks you are here to please to her and all cost. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50 (or 100/100 as some say but its basically the same damn thing) she is trying to make it all about her. She sounds like a horrible person. God help the man she ends up with. And I hope for your sake it isn't you. Don't allow her or any person to control you like this. You sound like a nice guy, thats part of the problem you're too nice. Be a man and stand your ground. Under no circumstances should she ever try to seperate you from your family and if you allow her to do so you're giving her your balls in a glass case. She doesn't deserve 6 months nor does she need it. She's been with you long enough to know what she wants. Tell her its now or never.
Author orto Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Well she controlled me in a good way. My family treated me like **** and my friends were on drugs constantly and she feared that I would too go down with them because they had no real future. I'm giving her time though and im gunna see where this goes. She told me that we would be together eventually, and I asked her why she had said this and she responded, "I didn't lie". She is a very blunt person and I can't see why she would lie.
Sal Paradise Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by orto Well she controlled me in a good way. My family treated me like **** and my friends were on drugs constantly and she feared that I would too go down with them because they had no real future. I'm giving her time though and im gunna see where this goes. She told me that we would be together eventually, and I asked her why she had said this and she responded, "I didn't lie". She is a very blunt person and I can't see why she would lie. No matter how bad she or you think your family and friends are she has no right to demand you to cut them off. Even the way you worded that shows how much control she has over you......"Well she controlled me in a good way", you sound like an abused wife who says her husband beats her because she deserves it. I feel bad for you and I don't see this ending up in a good way. She is using you and you're allowing her to. You've made your mind up all I can say at this point is good luck, you will need it.
Author orto Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 So being around a family that constantly treats me like **** is good and being around friends who do drugs constantly and have no future whatsoever is somewhat good ?
Sal Paradise Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by orto So being around a family that constantly treats me like **** is good and being around friends who do drugs constantly and have no future whatsoever is somewhat good ? Whether or not it is good is irrelevant. Its the fact that she is forcing you to do it thats bad.
Author orto Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 It wasn't a force thing, i mean she told me before that this was a problem. I guess I just didn't listen. This didn't cause us to break up though, I still don't nkow the reason for that.
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