Dropped out of the blue.

[orto]

Well , here I go. About a month ago, my ex, who I have been seeing for 5 1/2 years broke up with me over a simple miscommuncation. The details of us breaking up isn't necessary, but lets just say it was real immature the way it was handled.

 

 

Now, after she did the original break-up, she wanted to still see me as a friend. She also wanted me to change and put me through a "testing" stage to see if I could do the things I said I would do. She wanted me to be more of a family person, attend her family events more often etc., etc., She also didn't like my friends and wanted me to stop seeing them. She wanted me to move out because she wasn't very fond of my family, and she never gave me reasons to why she wasn't fond of my family, she just wasn't. As for my friends, she thought since they weren't in school and working, that I would too go down that road, but I am in school and working. All of our problems didnt seem to harsh at all too.

 

As that "testing" stage went by, I cut off all my family and friends to try and please her, but this seemed to just confuse her more and everytime I would try and work this out with her, she would get aggravated almost immediately and asked me to stop talking about it. Now a month went by with this, and I thought I was doing good, but all of a sudden she asks me to stop talking to her altogether, stop calling or seeing her. This really blew me away because this is what she wanted right? wrong. A week goes by and I'm really hurt at this point, don't know If im doing the wrong things, the right things, does she love me, does she still want to be with me? She ignored my phone calls, but then I finally got her on the line after 5 times. She flat out told me; "It's over", "I can't be with you anymore because I'm not happy". I asked why she wasn't happy, and she said "I dont know why, I just am, I'm a diffferent person now"."I just realized one day that I wasnt happy with you". So I tried and tried to get answers out of her, but she refused. She was with her friends at the time and broke it off completely over the phone, she wouldnt see me. She was laughing and giggling with her friends at the time of her doing this. I am now devestated by this, which took place wednesday. She looked me in my eyes and told me "we will be together, i just need time". Now I feel lost, I cant keep a clear thought in my mind or have any motive to do anything. When I drink, it cures it for a moment then just hits me like a ton of bricks, and no i dont have a drinking problem. I keep asking myself what did I do wrong or what could I have done, but nothing helps. I dont know what to do anymore. How could a person change their mind so fast about something this serious. We had plans for marriage and our future.

[LucreziaBorgia]

How could a person change their mind so fast about something this serious.

 

It is never a fast or easy change. Unfortunately, it happens slowly over time and you only begin to see it when it reaches the end stages.

[orto]

But If it got so bad to the point of ending it, why wasn't nothing said ?

[sanne]

if she was able to say what she said to you and have the nerve to laugh while saying it I'd say she isn't worth your time. it's up to you to realize that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by orto

But If it got so bad to the point of ending it, why wasn't nothing said ?

 

Because she decided she wanted to end it, and just let it go slowly. Telling you would have prompted you to try to 'save' a relationship that she was preparing herself to check out of. Telling you about it would do nothing but add more pressure for her, and make her feel guilty for feelings that she thinks she should be having, but is watching them drain away.

 

The process is pretty slow - it can take months or years - the person who finds themself in the unfortunate position of falling out of love doesn't have it easy as its happening. They know that their love is draining away, and as time goes by they fight with themself over it - trying to recapture what they think they should be feeling. If it doesn't happen, they just let it continue to drain out until the amount of love they have is less than the amount of love they lost - and toward the end, very little is holding them to you except guilt, obligation and sad nostalgic feelings for losing a love they had for you and know in their heart they won't be able to recapture. That is the point where you start hearing things like "I need space" or "we need a break", or you get the initial breakup. If they miss you even a tiny bit, they will come back in hopes that they can rekindle that love - but if they come back and find that they can't - then it will just keep going down that slippery slope. They wait until it gets to the point where their emotional investment is low enough where their need to be free of the relationship outweighs the guilt/obligation/nostalgia keeping them there. Then, at the end - they simply let go.

[suegail]

I think in the long run you would have become unhappy living with someone so controlling. It has to be the best thing that could have happened, but I know right now you can't see it that way. In time you'll feel better about things. It's just going to take time to get over the shock and hurt.

[orto]

Ya I heard that more than once. But I didn't want to believe that. I gave her whatever she wanted, but that just seemed to make things worse, how does that at all make sense?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Because what you think was 'best' was not what she thought was 'best' for herself. You tried to give her everything she wanted, but it didn't change the fact that she was falling out of love with you. If anything, it just escalated it when the guilt kicked in seeing you busting your butt for a relationship that she was checking out of.

 

That is the hardest thing for people to understand about the whole 'falling out of love' thing. You could have been the "best boyfriend in the world" with top honors - but if she didn't see it that way, then it was all for naught. You can't control another person's love - or control their falling out of it, either. She fell in love with you, and she fell out of love with you - all her doing. Sometimes your best efforts will make no difference in a situation like this.

[orto]

Well after the dust settled I get a call from my ex tonight. She says that she was sorry we broke up and what not. She wants us to be apart for 6 months, and then she wants to give me a letter explaining everything that I have been asking her, like what went wrong, why she was so unhappy etc., She wanted to wait for 2 years, but I said I couldnt do that, and so I gave her a compromise, so we decided on 6 months, will no contact, but we wouldnt see any other people either. She wants to "find herself" as she puts it. Now should I even try to think that maybe theres a chance, or should I move on with my life and live it to the fullest?

[fundamental]

Originally posted by orto

Well after the dust settled I get a call from my ex tonight. She says that she was sorry we broke up and what not. She wants us to be apart for 6 months, and then she wants to give me a letter explaining everything that I have been asking her, like what went wrong, why she was so unhappy etc., She wanted to wait for 2 years, but I said I couldnt do that, and so I gave her a compromise, so we decided on 6 months, will no contact, but we wouldnt see any other people either. She wants to "find herself" as she puts it. Now should I even try to think that maybe theres a chance, or should I move on with my life and live it to the fullest?

 

I would tell her "Don't bother!"

 

She says 6 months or 2 years for a few reasons:

 

1. What she has to tell you must be pretty bad so in 6 months she figures you won't really care anymore.

 

2. She might use this as a tactic to keep you thinking of her.

 

3. Some unexplained reason.

 

If she feels she needs to wait to give you answers, then it's not worth hearing.

[Seducer11]

God i felt like bursting to tears reading this article..LoL...It juz reminds me of my ex 5 yrs ago..I feel u man..Juz take it easy ayte..Same thing happen to me...Been there n done that...The difference is tat she never call...Our relationship juz faded away...Completely dead..I was juz like u b4 when she dumped me..I've done everything i could..I tried to do everything she wanted me to..But to no avail i still lost her..

 

LucreziaBorgia was right..Maybe to us tat we've done the best for them n maybe we could have been the 'best boyfriend' ever but if she dosen't see it tat way then its hopeless...I'm not trying to put u off..But u can do watever u want n while u're at it pls do it to ur own very best..So tat one day u don't have to regret it...Never regret the things u've done but regret the things u haven't done...

 

Yeah i agree tat u can't control or force someone's love...Love couldn't be kept by force,it can only be achieved by understanding..So if u really love her juz let her go,if she comes back to then it was meant to be urs but if it dosen't then it wasn't urs to begin with...I know letting go is never been easy n holding on can be as difficult as letting go...But true love n strength is not measured by holding on but by letting go.

 

"When they judges loves they often forget the pain their verdict brings..."

[orto]

If shes preparing me for the worst, why was she so adament about us getting back together and wanting to work with me. She just needs time to figure out who she is, but she still says she loves me and cares for me, and that's why she called. We both agreed that seeing other people wouldn't help our situation, just make it worse. So I'll contact her in 6 months and by then we should have our lives straightened out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. why was she so adament about us getting back together and wanting to work with me.

2. She just needs time to figure out who she is, but she still says she loves me and cares for me, and that's why she called.

 

1. Because it conveniently prevents you from seeing what she is really doing, and prevents you from thinking of her as the 'bad guy' - its a way for her to feel minimum guilt. You are listening to her words, and paying no attention to the much more important actions. She has thrust you out of her life, for a minimum of six months (and wanted TWO YEARS OF NO CONTACT). I'm sorry - but a woman who loves you does not do that. A woman who wants to passively break up with you does - she is hoping you will move on so that she can comfort herself and assuage her guilt because if you walk away and move on you will always be left with the impression that it was your fault, not hers.

2. I'm sure she does care for you on some level - just not enough to give you the relationship you need from her, or release you from this horrible limbo that you don't need from her.

[johan]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

...she is hoping you will move on so that she can comfort herself.

 

I agree with everything LucreziaBorgia said. As far as what I quoted goes: You cut off your family and friends and whatever else she wanted. She also wants this. Give it to her. Move on and let her off the hook, because she isn't going to handle it well anyway.

 

It could take a long time, but the most important step in moving on is releasing yourself from total responsibility for the end. Sooner or later you'll have to dispassionately give yourself and her the right amount of blame, responsibility, and credit.

 

To me it sounds like you're at the age where major personality upheavals are common. For most people that is all wrapped up by age 30. It's too much to expect for her to remain the same and have the same goals she had when she met you. Take your time and don't blame yourself as much as she does.

 

I also think she just wants to feel like she's not a bad person for hurting you. It's a sign of immaturity to handle things that way. But that's something else you can give her: Don't hold her responsible for her changing feelings. Try to accept it and maybe that will help you see that you couldn't have done anything about it.

[orto]

Why can't she give me answers though? She said she wrote a 6 page letter that will explain what she needs in a relationship, and basicallly everything, but I wont get that letter till after the 6 months is up. Does she have the answers and just wants me to wait so the breakup will be easier? I mean after 5 1/2 years, can a person lose sight of what they need in life or in a relationship? She says she wants to find answers, but she just needs time to do that. I'm not going to hold back on my life, and if I meet someone that I hit it off with real nice, I may just call her and tell her what happened so this can all end.

[johan]

The answers you want sound a lot like the mythical "closure" that people are always talking about. I think that no matter what she writes or says, you're going to have to give yourself the answers you need. You won't be satisfied with her explanations and they could cause you to second-guess yourself more. Closure is going to have to come from you.

 

I think you're on the right track by choosing not to put your life on hold. And I think you should do that without any expectation of a future with her of any sort. And when you do find someone you like, I hope you can just move forward with that person and don't look back. If you call her to tell her about it "so this can all end", you'll actually just be keeping it alive. It has already ended, and you'll be doing yourself a huge favor by trying to always just look forward.

[cole]

Orto, I bet if you disappeared completely from her life, the time-frames that she has set up - 6 months for the letter, 2 years no contact - would disappear, or shorten dramatically.

 

She's controlling you by holding everything over your head, making you jump through hoops that she's created, and she probably knows that you can't effectively accomplish what she's laid out for you.

 

She says that she'll send you 6 pages that explain everything, a letter that will bare her soul and enable you to understand all that she is and where she's coming from. I myself would love to receive a letter like that - it's the Holy Grail of lost relationships, the missing link in the broken chain of love.

 

But you can't receive any clarification for 6 months, and I do not doubt for a moment that her sending that letter is dependent on your behavior. What if you don't act appropriately during that time? Will she tack on another 3 months for bad behavior? What if she decides that the letter is too telling and rips it up before you ever get to see it? And, most importantly, do you really need to see it? What if everything in that letter just confuses you more, or makes you realize how wrong you are for each other?

 

CONTROL, CONTROL, CONTROL. She's playing with your heart, Orto. Would you do this to her? Would she ever allow you to be so bold? She's got a 6-month reprieve wherein she can get away with anything and you will give her your blessing because she has the letter. Imagine if that letter held no sway over you and your choice to move on. What would she have to hold over you? And why would someone want to hold their feelings and love for another person over that person? Is love a power struggle?

 

I feel your pain and sense you frustration, I really do. But the thought of what she is doing to you makes me kinda angry - it seems so unfair and mean to do to someone you supposedly care for.

[orto]

Well I would never do that to her, but I do believe her that after 5 1/2 years, things get to be so old that you start to question weither or not it's worth both of your lives to be together and what not. What I'm going to do it is completely cut her off, and I hope she does the same to me. We agreed not to see other people, but If I meet someone, I'll try to start somewhat of a relationship with her. I'm not going to hold back on my life or try to sit around all day long thinking about her, yea it's hard not to think about her because I love her so much, but we've been apart apart for over a month and a half now. And when the 6 month is up, and she still has no answers for me or still runs me around, ill be completely done with her, even if I have to move. She sounded real sad and confused on the phone and I asked her; "Why all of a sudden is your mind telling you these things, like giving you a set time to make up your mind." I believe that time is necessary for things to be sorted out ,but 6 months still seems kinda harsh. She told me that after the 6 months, she'll give me the letter, and she said this letter is "good", and it wasn't going to hurt me.

[cole]

... and she said this letter is "good", and it wasn't going to hurt me.

 

She should allow you to make that decision for yourself. And, though I'm sure it is a wonderful letter, she has to sell you on it to keep the status quo.

 

I know that I've written a good many letters that I thought were good and wouldn't hurt the other person, but ... that's only my perspective. They didn't necessarily agree with me, once they read it, because they saw things differently.

[outdated]

Leave her be. There's no way in hell I would put up with timeframes. It's BS. Nothing more, nothing less. No one that loves you would want to spend two years away from you while she clears the crap out of her head. Screw her. She's not worth your time. Yeah, I know, you were in love. But should you really love someone that cares so little about you? It's over man, and trust me, you're going to be a better person for it. Find someone with some freaking respect. I wouldn't wipe my ass with that kind attitude.

[orto]

She tells me she cares, and she called ot see how i was doing, so i believe that she does care, but this is probably her way of clearing her head.

[cole]

Orto, I think she does care, but I think she cares more about what she's getting from caring. In other words, when she calls you, you validate her - you tell her you care about her, miss her, love her, that you think she is worth waiting for. And you act on what you say, you prove to her that your words mean something.

 

In return, she keeps calling you, but does she ever really make you believe that she cares?

 

For instance, my ex, just today, informed me (via text - how romantic! ) that he's still attracted to me, wants to sleep over, wants to be with me. BUT (and this is a huge but) - he's "scared". He's not too scared to say the words, but he too scared to act on them, to definitively prove to me that he means all those things.

 

Words, in these cases, just prolong the fantasy. There's no reality to what's being said. (Sadly, my ex is at the point where texts have even become a sexually fulfilling outlet for him - freaky.)

 

Words are safe, they're a shield that separates the reality of the situation and the two of you from the fantasy of what "could be."

 

Are her words enough? What if she is only ever able to give you words?

 

And Orto, I've been involved in a similar circumstance for over 7 months now. It still has not evolved. It's devolved.

[orto]

I really do believe she cares, but I dont say i love her and i miss her anymore. I'm gunna let her decide weither she wants to be with me, now If I want to be with her down the line then yes maybe we can work things out slowly, but im not putting my life on hold and I'm not going to respond to her anymore, we finally said, yesterday that after this conversation, we are not to talk for 6 months. And so ill see how that works. If she wanted me gone and didnt even wanna be with me she would;'ve told me that, she's a blunt person.

[cole]

That's really strong of you Orto. I hope you make use of this forum when things are tough for you to deal with, we're here for ya.

[orto]

Well it's a been 2 days, and we still haven't contacted each other. I want to write her a long e-mail explaining that none of this is necessary, if we love and care for each other so much, why can't this be worked out and believe me, we had no serious problems at all. What should I do, gosh I feel like this is getting me nowhere.