Starfishlover Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 I have a hard time to understand what a successful intelligent single man in his mid-40s wants in a woman. I met a guy in dating site, (he is a well-regarded professional appearing very busy) we have a couple of email exchange then he gave me his no. and invite me to message him outside of the dating site. As his email was really long (I don’t like writing long email) and we have quite lots in common career wise, I think it will be more time-efficient to communicate through IM so I texted him. He seemed surprised receiving my text greetings but he replied within half hour said looking forward to our chat. I texted him the next morning (Sat) to initiate a casual chat, he replied after 2 hours and subtly let me know he was busy, so I politely left him alone, but he then suggested to chat on Monday evening which I accepted. He onlined around 6:30pm but he didn’t contact me, so I texted him around 7pm, he didn’t reply until 8pm to suggest 9 or 9:30pm for a chat. I was upset as I especially made time for the evening that he missed our evening chat as if nothing has happened ( I see it as a red flag). I texted him at around 9:40pm, didn’t reply to his text but asked him why he didn’t make contact or respond to my text during evening hours. He didn’t reply but deleted my number and his online dating account altogether! I liked this guy, he looks good “on paper”, but his bursting temper (?) scared me. Is he looking for a very submissive woman who would take any crap from him or have I done anything wrong by letting him know I am not pleased about him not respecting my time.
PegNosePete Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 I have a hard time to understand what a successful intelligent single man in his mid-40s wants in a woman. Don't hurt your brain trying to find one answer to rule them all! Every man is an individual and they are all looking for something different. This guy was clearly just playing around with you. If he was genuinely interested he would have made an effort to communicate with you. You should be lucky you didn't waste time sitting around in a bar waiting to meet him. Don't waste your time trying to figure out what he wanted or what you did wrong or what he was thinking or what colour underwear he was wearing. Who cares? He is a jerk. You just need to move on - NEXT. 1
salparadise Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 He onlined around 6:30pm but he didn’t contact me, so I texted him around 7pm, he didn’t reply until 8pm to suggest 9 or 9:30pm for a chat. I was upset... I liked this guy, he looks good “on paper”, but his bursting temper (?) scared me. Is he looking for a very submissive woman who would take any crap from him or have I done anything wrong by letting him know I am not pleased about him not respecting my time. Starfishlover, are you brand new to this? It seems that you got yourself invested in a profile (an image and some words) which may or may not be real, and then had some pretty high expectations of this person or thing or whatever it was. If you continue to do that you're going to burn out fast. It is a tricky little dance... you have to give'em the benefit of the doubt, or pretend to, at first to get the ball rolling, but do not start investing until after you've met in person and been on a few dates. If the guy's profile disappeared quickly, chances are it was a African romance scammer. That's why they try to get you communicating off site as quickly as possible –– they know they only have a day or two before the profile will be deleted. But even if it was a real person behind the profile, he obviously was not investing much in the interaction with your profile. There are all kinds. Sadly, the rules of etiquette and baseline of decorum that we observe in real life (even with strangers) doesn't apply universally online. But you can use that distinction to separate them on a first pass. We learn something new every day... today, before I even had my coffee, I learned that online could be turned into a verb simply by adding "ed." In fact, we might even say it was verbed! Now we just need a little tune to go with it. 2
Author Starfishlover Posted November 28, 2017 Author Posted November 28, 2017 Thanks for your response PegNosePete I know this case is closed and I should just move on and forget it, but I can’t help keeping thinking about it. I want to know if I have made any dating mistake and avoid it in future. Yes this guy is a jerk at the end, but he was very gentleman and has shown shown me he was genuinely interested in me by writing very long email when contacted me at the dating site. Perhaps I should have kept it online until I have established his true intention. Now think back, he didn’t ask me anything about me in my profile, we just talked about work stuff, he also mentioned about “rarely see him during the week and meet mostly weekend” when I asked about how would he fit a committed partner in his frequent travelling and busy life. He probably just wanted weekend girlfriends in different cities to meet his need.
Ieris Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 @Starfishlover ~ I don't know whether he was real or not but I have to say that you came across quite keen. Checking whether he is online, watching the clock, waiting for him to call you on the dot is a little too much. I didn't sense his bursting temper anywhere only your eagerness, which he may have noticed too hence why he disappeared. 7
ExpatInItaly Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Thanks for your response PegNosePete I know this case is closed and I should just move on and forget it, but I can’t help keeping thinking about it. I want to know if I have made any dating mistake and avoid it in future. Yes this guy is a jerk at the end, but he was very gentleman and has shown shown me he was genuinely interested in me by writing very long email when contacted me at the dating site. Perhaps I should have kept it online until I have established his true intention. Now think back, he didn’t ask me anything about me in my profile, we just talked about work stuff, he also mentioned about “rarely see him during the week and meet mostly weekend” when I asked about how would he fit a committed partner in his frequent travelling and busy life. He probably just wanted weekend girlfriends in different cities to meet his need. OP, that is not really showing genuine interest. For all you know, he could have written that email to several other people and just tailors it a little for each recipient. You don't have nearly enough information about his man to determine if he's a gentleman, either. I also don't see where he has a "bursting temper"; he simply deleted you. Sure, it was rude, but I don't think you need to feel afraid. There could be any number of reasons for the sudden deletion too - maybe he's a catfish, or his wife walked in the room and he had to hide his online activities. No, you weren't wrong to ask him what was up with his lack of contact. But don't waste your time trying to figure him out. A guy with genuine interest in getting to know you will behave very differently from this one.
PegNosePete Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 I know this case is closed and I should just move on and forget it, but I can’t help keeping thinking about it. I want to know if I have made any dating mistake and avoid it in future. The only mistake you made was getting too attached to someone you've never met. I agree with salparadise, this guy was probably an African romance scammer. The modalities suggest it very strongly. He wrote very long, generic messages (probably scripted), he didn't ask about you, he made excuses why he wasn't available, and he didn't show when he was supposed to. Perhaps I should have kept it online until I have established his true intention. Well, you did keep it online. You never met in real life. You did fine, you weeded out a jerk / scammer without leaving the comfort of your own home. As I said the only mistake you made was getting attached too soon (ie. before meeting in real life). 1
act00 Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Always be wary of "busy people." Also ones who "travel a lot" for business. They're potential scammers or they're players who have someone else on the hook, and some of these guys just like to have the pen pal and sexting. What are your goals? Stay local if you want local and someone you can actually see and touch and spend time with. You can expand your radius, but maintain something that works for you as far as driving. Don't text too long. Plan a meet. Just because you're a girl doesn't mean you can't suggest a meet. No meet, no text. Long, flowery emails are usually scammers. You'll find that when you try to discuss normal stuff, get to know him, he doesn't have a lot to say about daily life, but continued long, flowery texts/emails, and they state they're looking for a wife and partner. The have a child, usually very young, and the mother is deceased, but sometimes just divorced and absent. They travel a lot or their job is really busy, so there's a nanny or caretaker. If they say they live in the area, you can't get crossroads out of them, nor do they have a lot to say about local restaurants, activities, or even the traffic on the way home. Stay local. No meet, no text. 2
Author Starfishlover Posted November 28, 2017 Author Posted November 28, 2017 Hi Ieris, ExpatInItaly, salparadise, act00 Thanks for your response and advices. About this guy, he isn’t scammer, he is real, we worked in the same field, I have googled him and asked my professional network about him before exchanging no. & messaging outside the dating site. He is much more senior and established than I am, he is a well-regarded professional in my industry. So, I will admit that I like and admire him before I have ever met him in real life. I’m not just interested in him for dating but also as career mentor, industry connection etc. So, yes I have high expectation on him, which explains my eagerness that probably has turned him off (?). He didn’t know much about me and didn’t know I already known his background, there was an imbalance expectation. Yes I much more invested in it than he did. I didn’t expect that he would just delete me over the message trying to clarify why he stood me up, I also don’t understand why he had to also delete his dating account. Perhaps he did seriously looking (in his profile he made it very clear that he is looking for serious committed relationship, so do I) and got frustrated by the online dating scenes, it can be quite harsh on guys. I am upset that he was rude to me, perhaps I have done something bruised his ego? I don’t know, the more I think about it the more I don’t think he is a player. I wish he could just explain he was preoccupied or we had different understanding about what hours meant “evening”. Might we run into each other one day.. @salparadise: haha I made up the new word “onlined”, very soon it will be accepted just like the word “googled”
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 It's probably my personal bias but if a 40 year old man gives you his # I imagine he expects you to call not text. What I found off putting were the number of texts. the other problem was you were a bit pushy about the time. You wanted to chat at 7 ish. He may still have been at work. He wanted to chat around 9:30 which I guess you found too late. After all the back & forth to set that up . . . . a real effort which alone should have signaled problems . . . he blew it off. The thing about these 1st contacts . . .if they are not easy & flowing in the beginning it's only going to get harder. Going forward I think you need to be a tad more passive. Give a man your # & say call me when you can. When he calls, spend 5-10 minutes chatting but no more. Ideally that chat should lead to a real life meet up. The purpose of the conversation is not to share or get to know each other; it's only to schedule the meet. 4
irresolute Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 We don't really know if he's a player or not. So many things could have happened for him to delete his online profile. The main thing here is that he's not really interested. Move on
smackie9 Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 He could be a married guy, just seeing what's out there. IMO if the guy was ever interested he would be asking you out, not be your penpal.
Imajerk17 Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 (edited) As someone who has done OLD this situation just doesn't seem that surprising to me at all. There are a lot of people on online dating sites using them to make themselves feel better after a breakup. As far as this guy suddenly disappearing, maybe this guy just broke up with someone and then after making contact with you, he realized that he was not ready to date. (I assume that you ruled out that he is already married or other shenanigans.) I wouldn't take this as a personal rejection per se, he never even met you! HOWEVER, I do agree w d0nnivain, all this back-and-forth to set up a phone call seems like a real hassle. He may still have been at work or at the gym at 7-ish. For the next guy OP you may want to hang back just a bit more. Edited November 28, 2017 by Imajerk17
Purepony Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Yeah he sounds like a loser forget this guy
Author Starfishlover Posted November 30, 2017 Author Posted November 30, 2017 I agree that he probably realised he wasn’t ready to date that’s why just vanished. In my profile I made it very clear that I won’t consider guys with gf/wife/kids, so I assumed he is single and not attached, of course he can lie about it. I try not to take it personally but can’t help get frustrated by OLD, even I am a physically attractive woman. It must be lots more worse to guys on dating sites. Anyway, thanks a lot everyone! You have all given very good insight and advice and helped me to get a better perspective about this guy.
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