Trouble coping after hard relationship

[str4]

Let me start by saying I've never posted on a forum like this before, but my level of desperation and depression has pushed me to seek help from outside my comfort zone.

 

I dated a girl for about 4 1/2 years on and off, and for most of that time it was an emotional roller coaster. The highs were very high, but the lows took a toll on my self esteem, and overall well-being. I used to be very outgoing, but in the more recent years I have become increasingly introverted. My ex and I had planned to be together forever, and had constantly told each other so.

 

An obstacle I was trying to overcome was being in my mid-20s and having issues getting my life together. I had jobs on and off, but nothing that I would consider worthy of a long term career. That being said, neither did she. Her family saw this, and I could feel their condescension toward me nearly every time we spoke, and my ex projected this onto me as well.

 

We initially met online, and I was hesitant to move out to her in order to take the next step in our relationship, which led to her sleeping with someone else. After that happened, I realized that if I wanted to be with her we had to be together in person, so I forgave her, moved out to her, and things started to look a lot better... for a while. Fast forward a little bit and I was still having trouble getting my life together. I was doing well working toward earning my software degree, but had no job, and her family's condescension was felt on a daily basis.

 

One day, she began texting another guy, a guy who did have his life together, and told me she needed me to leave until I could finish school and start a steady career. She doesn't know that I found out through mutual friends (recently, not at that time) but she ended up going out with this guy, sleeping with him, and he rejected her. She was planning on leaving me for him if she could. This caused her to panic and beg for me to come back. At the time, I was in denial about her sleeping with someone else, but in my gut I felt that it did happen.

 

We were doing well for about 6 months after that, and my school was still going good, I'm close to graduating now (within the next year). But still, things just didn't feel right. She was not working for quite some time, living off of an inheritance from her mother who had passed away. I was paying for everything for her through money my parents had given me for my accomplishments in school. She was very messy, so I would clean up after her, do her laundry, cook for her, take care of her dogs, pretty much everything. Then, one day her family set her up with a job and she decided to get her life together.

 

Fast forward another month and things got really bad. She threatened to break a video game system of mine, saying how I cared more about material things than I did her, which in my eyes was not true. I thought she was just talking so I ignored it, but then she really got up and grabbed it. Panicked, I held on to it, for dear life, while she struggled with me to get it from my hands, pulling at it violently and even throwing punches at me. In the process her arm got a few bruises, and now she is convinced that I abused her and hates me. She is even telling my friends and family that I did so, and it hurts me so much because I am not an abusive person. I would never do anything to hurt a woman, let alone one I cared deeply for. The next day I got a plane ticket back home with a broken heart to count my losses.

 

Fast forward two more months, we finally contacted each other once, just for closure. I found out she is dating a new guy now, who used to be a mutual friend, and I'm really torn up about it because I'm still very much in love with her. This guy has a really nice job, owns his own house, and is better than me in a lot of ways. Not to mention he's just an overall nice person, and I know he will treat her well. This tears me up inside because she obviously upgraded from me, and my self esteem has dropped even more.

 

I'm not sure what to do because I am struggling so hard to get over a girl who cheated on me twice, and caused much damage to my self esteem. I am having a hard time focusing on school, and feel that I will not be able to get my life together. Because I am struggling to get my life together and struggling to stay focused on my degree because of a broken heart, I feel that at my age (I'm now 28), I might not find love again for a very long time, and have the fear that I may not find it at all.

 

Sorry for the long wall of text, but there were a lot of details I needed to cover. Any help would be much appreciated, because each day it feels like it's just not getting any better.

[MsJayne]

The worst thing about getting involved with a Narcissist isn't the relationship itself, (though that's pretty bad), it's the battering your ego takes when you realise that this person never felt anything for you other than a sense of convenience and entitlement, and the ensuing self-esteem issues that can arise.

Maybe start by looking at things more rationally, start with the most obvious thing which is that this relationship was doomed from the start, mainly because she's very immature - the cheating and the lack of regard for your feelings give this away. Then there's the way she took you completely for granted, you paid her way for a while, you looked after her pets, cleaned up after her, etc. Then maybe consider why her family treated you with disdain....what had she been saying to them to influence how they perceived you? Maybe they thought you were a fool because you let her treat you so badly.....

Whatever way you look at it, you haven't lost anything of value. Believe me, whoever ends up with this girl will be one unlucky dude. Just make yourself concentrate on finishing your degree, and project your mind into the future when you will be working in a job you love and everything will be cool and you'll meet THE girl and be grateful that you didn't end up stuck with a self-absorbed, narcissistic drama queen.

[str4]

Thanks, and yeah that's what I've been trying to do.. it's just tough knowing how she ended up with such a good guy after me, especially when he used to be a friend of mine. I just keep telling myself it's out of my control, I'm hoping after a bit of time passes I will regain some of my focus.

[Purepony]

Well you said she ended up with this guy but you really don’t know that.

 

Also she sounds like a mess and if this guy wants to deal with that mess let him, he sounds lost in space like her too for dating someone who used to be dating a friend but anyways... it doesn’t matter how you start it’s all in how you end.

 

Focus on your school and yourself and once that’s over and done with you’ll find a better job, make more money and you’ll be in a better position to attract someone who won’t treat you this way.

 

I lived out of my car once and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I never thought it would get better for me flash forward 5 years later I’m buying my own house with my own credit, buying 50-80k cars.

 

It doesn’t matter how you start it’s all in how you end

[Highndry]

Unfortunately there's no quick fix for this pain. It's going to take time, and the best you can do is to try to pick up the pieces of your life and move on. It sucks, but it's life.

 

It seems some people are better at handling breakups than others. I'm terrible at it, so bad that I almost don't want to love again.

[str4]

Thanks for the replies, it feels good to know that there are good people out there willing to help a total stranger who is grieving. Reading over what you have said to me is helping me come to terms with things a bit, but unfortunately it will just take time to fully heal and I realize this. It's been only a short few days since I found out her and this guy have started dating, so I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and see where things end up.