I'm struggling with trust

[hallynn23]

Hi everyone! I apologize already for the length

 

My bf and I (both 23) have been together for a year and a half now. From the very beginning I knew it was something super special. We met as EMT's and worked a 24-hour shift together the first time we ever met. A couple days later we started going on fun & awesome dates, then a month and a half later became official. At the time he was living with some roommates and I had just graduated from college so I was staying with my mom. We spent a majority of our time at his house, since we had privacy there. I've always seen him as such an awesome, loving, caring, thoughtful, and honest guy. To my knowledge he never lied to me and was always very upfront about things. We've talked about the future together and want the same things- marriage, kids, etc.

 

In my only other relationship, the guy met a "new friend" and started constantly talking with her. When he broke up with me after 3.5 years him and this new friend were dating within two weeks. It took me two years to get over that hurt. I know it's not fair to bring this issue into my new relationship, but I did. My current bf (K) has had close female friends from the start. I've expressed my minimal discomfort with this and he's always been very understanding and gentle in reassuring me. Over time my jealousy and insecurity had gotten a lot better since he was so open about everything. I was always included with his female friends and trusted him. He told me whenever he met them for coffee/beers or whatever. In fact, at the beginning of our relationship there was a girl he was in constant communication with but reassured me she was just a friend, and as soon as she crossed the line (calling at 2am, acting really needy) he cut her off without me having to ask.

 

Back in April we were planning to rent a house with some friends, but that fell through and he ended up living at his volunteer fire station while I was at my parents house. This GREATLY cut down on intimacy and quality time. He also started working a lot (like 72 hours straight) and dealing with some new stressors like possible relocation for a paid fire position. I noticed him becoming distant by June but thought it was just stress and exhaustion.

 

One day he mentions a new female friend, V, from work and told me that they had went to the river with another friend of ours. I honestly didn't have a problem with this, I'd never formally met her but I'd seen her at work a lot. He then started acting even more distant, not texting me as much or with as much enthusiasm as before. This time I had a sinking feeling in my gut. I know it's wrong, but when he came over one night I looked at his phone while he was sleeping. I saw that he'd been texting V constantly, even when he wasn't texting me. It wasn't blatantly flirting but they were making plans to hang out, sending pictures of their food, asking about each others days etc. I was furious. I let my anxiety take over and ended up basically asking him if he still wanted to be in a relationship with me or if there was someone else- effectively accusing him of cheating. I didn't tell him I'd read his texts. He told me that of course he still wanted to be with me and there was nobody else, I believed him but still had a nagging feeling. I eventually brought her up a couple more times and he reiterated she was just a friend and I shouldn't worry, and that it hurt him that I was questioning his loyalty so much.

 

Unfortunately our relationship kept spiraling down and we'd pushed each other away a fair amount (due to all of the stressors mentioned: my anxiety, his exhaustion, ZERO intimacy, etc.). I'd kept seeing V's name on his phone and he seemed to be trying to hide it, which I tried my best to ignore. By July we'd decided to take a "break" to ease some of the pressure. He told me multiple times that he still wanted to be with me and pictures his future with me.

 

The "break" worked and by August we were back in a really good place and I hadn't worried about V for a while. We didn't ever have a formal "getting back together" discussion, it just sort of happened and felt right. I started counseling for my anxiety and insecurity.

 

He ended up moving 2.5 hours away for his new job in September, and we see each other at least every other weekend. As soon as he moved in he put my name on the mailbox, made me a key, and made it clear that he was excited for me to move down there whenever I was ready. I've been super excited too and have made plans to move down in two weeks. I've found a great job and am applying to nursing schools in the area.

 

CURRENT ISSUE: About a month ago he got a new phone, and kept his old one active for whatever reason. When he was at work I decided to go through the old phone, which I never should've done, especially cause we'd been so good. I found out that in July he'd facetimed V multiple days in a row for up to an hour and a half at a time. I also found out that she'd been out of the country from June 23rd-July 25th. I distinctly remember him telling me he had to "pick up a bud from the airport and take their things to their house," and I actually had a screenshot of a sweet text he'd sent from that day and it was from July 25th... meaning it's HIGHLY likely it was her he picked up. Obviously that's not a huge deal and it was a favor that a lot of friends would do, but I also remember that I didn't hear from him that night from 6pm-midnight. So if it was her, what the hell could they have been doing for that long??? At the time I never even asked who the "bud" was or what they did for so long, I just assumed he was busy. He did call me on the way home from wherever he was and was being super sweet.

 

I'm now feeling really hurt after finding all of these things out. I can't stop thinking about the possibility that he could've possibly cheated on me, or at minimum had a crush on/bonded with this girl while we were struggling so much.

 

Again, I didn't tell him what I'd found out. I simply asked him the next morning if he ever had feelings for V, because I knew they'd gotten close. He wrapped me in his arms around me and said "No she was ALWAYS just a friend, never anything more. I don't even talk to her anymore." I didn't ask anymore questions as I didn't want it to turn into a fight. He asked me a couple times if I had any other concerns and I said no, even though my mind was racing with them... like what made him cut it off? Did she have feelings for him? etc.

 

That was a week ago and I'm still struggling. I personally believe he crossed a boundary especially since he knew I was uncomfortable yet still got THAT close with her, but I crossed a line too by looking through the phone. Part of me thinks he's just oblivious to everything and he truly thinks it was just a normal friendship.

 

I don't want to keep bringing it up, because I know where his loyalty is and that we're in such a different place now than we were when all of this happened. I just have a fear of not being "enough," and the fact that he obviously saw something in her (innocent or not) shows me that it could be true and happen again.

 

 

Help? Advice?

Edited November 27, 2017 by hallynn23

[Dis]

Its a funny thing, trust issues

 

See, they're not trust issues when you have a legit reason not to trust someone.. like when someone is cheating

 

You dont have trust issues....

 

You're just a wreck because your bf is most likely cheating on you and you know it

 

What you know is probably 50% of the truth

 

You could probe for more info or you could be smart and find someone who doesnt set off your spidey senses. I would go for the latter.

 

Best of luck to you

[kendahke]

It's time for you to stop being deceitful and to tell the truth as to what you found out.

 

You both have a lot of lies you need to sift through.

[d0nnivain]

He picked up V at the airport before you took your "break". You felt like the "break" worked & the two of you are in a good place now. Then you snooped, not because anything was bothering you now but because you were bored & you have trust issues. Now you are upset.

 

 

If he's moved & no longer works with her, try to calm down. Since he gave you a key, plus all the other things he's done to be transparent, I think he can be trusted. Perhaps you need to clear the air.

 

 

I'd also befriend V. Since your guy / her friend is now 2.5 hours away, it makes since that you both have some free time. Hang out with her & see what kind of vibe you get.

[JLM19802017]

A few things:

 

You ARE enough. Believe it, say it....over and over again. You are beautiful and unique and there is no one like you. Your value does not come from what a man thinks about you or how he has treated you. That say more about them.

 

If you want a healthy relationship, you need to communicate. I would tell him about everything face to face. Watch his eyes and body language. You don't want to move backwards but the past is still an issue so if you need the conversation to close that V door, then have it. If he truly loves you, he will stick around.

 

If you feel like you are still having trouble with trust, insecurity, etc, I would continue counseling. It doesn't hurt.

 

There is a book that you may find interesting titled "The Search for Significance" by Robert McGee.

 

Blessings to you! "His plans are for you, not against you, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

[Violetstar]

so i only skimmed to what happened currently with your man facetiming this other girl and picking her up from the airport.

 

is he still friends with her? And did he lie about it? He said "their," to avoid saying her and get you angry or upset. Personally,That would have enraged me. He didn't give you the full truth because he knew you would be upset. That's always worse because then we imagine they must have done something else and lied about it!

 

So I have been in a somewhat similar situation. Yours is A little trickier than mine. Since you are currently in the relationship, And if it's bugging you that much which I know it is, Bring it up. Be honest and ask why he wasn't truthful with you. Tell him you don't want to fight about it you just want to know the truth. How much do you even know about this girl? I have never been comfortable with boyfriend having close girlfriends, Because I've been cheated on before by a man Who had a lot of close friends who were girls.

 

It's really hard to get rid of those trust issues. So all you can do is be honest and ask for honesty. I know that you are afraid of coming off jealous insecure and crazy, Because I get that fear too. But if you believe that he is a keeper you need to be honest.

 

In my case, I found old text messages in my exes phone, (when he was my boyfriend,) acting really flirtatious with a coworker that I always felt he had a thing for. He invited her to his party, And was BEGGING her to come through, And told her that he made her favorite playlist. She told him that he live too far and that she didn't party, and she stopped responding to him after a few messages. I never confronted him about it, But I wish that I did.

 

Also look into the contextOf the messages. How does your boyfriend text With this girl?

You can tell when they're being flirtatious. The face timing would have really bothered me. Unless I knew the girl, and I knew they were close friends, or if I knew the girl had a boyfriend. Every Girl would get upset about that.

 

And always ask him, Would you be bothered If I put you in the same position?