Moving on vs. One last try

[TacoKingOfTexas]

I found this forum randomly about 10 mins ago, and guess I just need a place to vent and take any advice anyone has here...

 

2 months ago I met a beautiful, smart 30 year old woman. We were introduced by friends and by the next morning we were waking up in bed together. My initial thoughts of her werent mind blowing, we had a nice time, it was fun, but who knows. A week later we went to a concert and ever since that time had went on about 1 date a week.

 

Here is where it gets complicated. She moved back to town about a week before I met her due to some family stuff she had to deal with. Shes been a big city girl for the last 10 years or so, living in multiple big cities and came home possibly more out of guilt than a desire to move here. With that she quit her job and decided to start a business while also undertaking a big passion project. I knew this from the start and could tell there were some walls I was going to have to work through and I never expected to be her first priority for some time. It started slow enough, 1 date a week, she wasnt the best texter, and I am generally impatient when it comes to dating. If I feel like I really like someone, I want to get things moving as quickly as possible. This tends to be an issue for me, but it just feels right to keep the good times going.

 

So about a month passes, my frustration building (which I am doing a good job of hiding.) I was pretty clear about my feelings for her, I always complimented the way she looked, told her how excited I was to see her and thanked her for spending the evening with me on a date. Again, I knew she had a ton going on and as long as I was getting what she could give me, it was enough. 3 weeks ago, she started just warming up to me a lot. She was now excited for dates and we absolutely had a great time together. Of course her walls were still up a bit, but the conversations were always great and we shared a lot of the same passions.

 

One thing that was a frustration and I will use as an exhibit for why she really was making an effort was she never liked to sleep over. We would spend an evening together, make some adult decisions afterwards and then after a bit of chatting, she would go home. Due to the reason she had come home she was always very conscientious of being home when her parents woke up (again, had just moved back to town, starting a business, reconnecting with parents, not some loser 30 year old hahah.) So that was a big source of frustration for me, since I always wanted to wake up next to her in the AM. Another thing that was going on, was we were both travelling. Her parents spent most weekends out of town and had we been in town, we would have A) seen each other more than once a week and B) spend evenings together. This was discussed.

 

So I was really trying to give her her space and time and not put pressure on her, because it was the last thing she needed. I knew that my birthday was coming up, her birthday party was coming up and we had plans for another night in that same week - I knew I would know where I stood by the end of the weekend.

 

So as I was saying, she had really started to warm up to me and started showing that she cared and generally being more thoughtful towards me. So my birthday came - she spent the evening with my friends and held her own. As I worked the room, she worked the room. She loved my friends, they thought she was great. We stayed up late at a friends house. When she returned to my house I asked if she was staying over. She said yes, and set her alarm for 430 am, still wanting to get home before the parents woke up. It made me so happy. She really was trying to show me she cared about me and my happiness meant something to her.

 

The next night we had another date. She brought me my birthday present and a card. The card was a postcard from some random place in the middle of nowhere in Spain that we had both visited. She referenced the movie we both watched and loved. She thanked me for making her return home enjoyable and said she was looking forward to more exploration. Upon reflection it was just another thoughtful move on her part. She either spent serious time finding this postcard or decided that she was ready to give me something that she had been holding on to for years. We drank, we chatted, we saw some music. She was falling asleep during the show so we went back to my place and just talked for a little bit of time. I asked her how she was feeling about where were going and she said it was going well. The conversation went for a moment and I briefly mentioned about how I was glad we had seen each other a bunch and I had been being so patient. I quickly made sure to add that I knew she had so much on her plate that was all very important and that I in know way wanted to get in the way of that or to make her decide between these very big things in her life or me.

 

Saturday night comes and its her birthday party. She was nice enough during the day texting me and told me to show up whenever. She spent most of the evening semi-avoiding me before telling me we needed to talk. She took me outside where she crushed me. She was very apologetic and said she wished she could do this any other way, but that we couldnt see each other anymore. She told me that there was another guy and that she thought it was completely over and that now it was less over. it was her best friend for a long time, they had dated and he had resurfaced. I stood there stunned and told her we would need to finish this convo soon, as I had no idea what to say and wasnt about to make a scene at her bday party. She kissed me on the cheek and I left.

 

Im sure I dont need to get in to how terrible the next day was and its a blessing that she didnt call me back to discuss that day. We decided to meet on Monday. She came over, and we had the conversation again. I had prepared to discuss and be furious that she was choosing some other guy over me. She said that wasnt really the case. She said that this guy does exist and when he reached out to her I assume in a friendly way, she kind of realized that these were similar situations and for the same reason she couldnt be with him, she cant be with me. She said that when I brought up how patient I had been it hit her that we were just in two way different places. That there is no way that she could ever try and give me what she felt I deserved at this moment. The door was semi left open, she said its best we dont talk right now. She left in a hurry and I had to stop her just to get one last hug.

 

Obviously I am sad. I am upset. I dont understand. I dont really hold much against her. I know she has so much going on. I know shes a very smart person and doesnt make rash decisions. I know she cared for me, respected me and had a great time with me. She explained to me, she had talked to a friend about it who asked her to switch shoes with me and she said thats when she realized it just wasnt fair to me. it really broke my heart, but i didnt hate her.

 

So she asked that we dont speak for now (who even knows how long that is...) and I responded within the hour with a nice text, thanking her for meeting me, expressing my disappointment, telling her I would respect her decision, telling her my favorite moment we shared, wishing her good luck and not really asking any questions or begging for a response. I felt better than I thought I would. She did respond in kind, told me she felt similarly to how I felt and that today had been tough on her as well (something I never really took in to account) and that she things I deserve better than what she can give me right now. She thanked me for the good times, praised me for wearing my heart on my sleeve, and signed her name with an XO. And thats where we stand.

 

So it has been 10 days. I am still hurt and still just dont understand. Of course I understand that shes so busy and has more important things than me. I wish I could be there to help carry her load, I didnt need more from her. Obviously I dont want to be an afterthought, but staying over til 5 am meant a great deal to me. The post card meant a great deal to me. It was clear that she was very thoughtful and did truly enjoy the time we spent together and thats the hardest part. The words she wrote, the texts she sent, it showed the story of someone who enjoyed spending time with me.

 

I want to scream from the rooftops that its okay and I can be strong for both of us. I wrote a 6 page letter that she will never see. I wrote another one. I considered writing one to send, but I cannot do that. I said I respected her decision and its just too many words and too all over the place to be something I can send. But I am a romantic and I dont just want to tuck my tail and go away. I dont want to not say anything and leave a future with her up to hope. Hope she reaches out, hope i havent moved on, hope she hasnt moved on. Those things will happen, all of them likely. I just want to tell her that we are here now. Life is short, nothing is guaranteed and if we can have this time, right now, in the moment, then we can worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. If I brought her joy to explore with me, isnt that enough?

 

I want to tell her I am sorry, not really for anything I have done, cause I only treated her right and tried to show her I care. But I want to tell her I am sorry IF i put any undue pressure on her. And I want to tell her I am sorry if I made her feel that what she was giving me, wasnt enough for me. I opened my big mouth "Ive been so patient" and that one word could be what ruined all of this.

 

We will run in to each other. We run in a same circle. We enjoy the same things. Neither of us has done anything unforgivable.

 

So here I sit. Writing this half to vent, half to find the answer of which there is no right or wrong one, or at least not that I would know which was which until it was two late.

 

I see myself having two options:

 

1) I can hold my tongue. I can get back on my horse, worry about me and let time go by. I will reach out to her by the middle of Decemeber, that much I know, to wish her well on a trip she is taking to one of my favorite places in the world. I will not look for a response or ask anything of her. I will just wish her well and hope that one day we can reconnect.

 

2) I can say something. I am very worried about saying too much and having the message I want to say get lost. The best advice for this I have received is to say how I had spent some time over Thanksgiving thinking about her. That I had missed her and inquire to see if she has missed me too. If she responds yes, a door is open and I can talk to her and say all the things I want her to hear. If she responds no, or doesnt respond at all, then I know where I stand right now. Of course saying this, even as innocent as it is, shows that I did not respect her decision to cease talking. it could push her away, or make me look weak. But being that romantic that I am, it is just me trying one last time, to reach my hand out. My biggest fear is what if all she wants me to do is speak up, give her a little push and tell her I dont want to go another day with her out of my life.

 

To be clear and maybe its strange i bring this up so late in the post - we were early in this and I know that. I had fallen for her, but this wasnt love - at least not yet. It was just an amazing person that I wish I could have in my life and spend the time we can together.

 

So this is where I am at. I believe her when she says this just isnt the right time. I believe her when she tells me how wonderful she thinks I am. I just think life is too short to wait and hope.

 

Any advice you have is great. I dont think I am selling myself short. And I know this has a lot more to do with where she is than where I am. But IF, the only reason we arent together is because I said one thing about being patient, there has to be a way to get us back to where we both were having the time of our lives (or year at least).

 

 

Thanks

 

TKOT

[Been]

Here it is. Even if she cameback running to you fact is she dropped you for someone else QUICKLY.

So then you would have to contend with the fact that the ONLY reason why she cameback was because HE didn't workout.

I was in your situation. She must have dumped me for e same ex 6 times.

And then in the end they didn't workout. So I took her back. Guess what?

She had 0 respect for me due to the fact that I ALLOWED her to keep coming in and out of my life. That I was OK being a doormat. So she ended finding my "replacement"- while we were dating.

[wishyouneverleft]

It sucks, been in your shoes. My advice, look at the hard facts. She left you, didn't truly respect you or the relationship. She didn't value you or the relationship to the point that to her its OK to simply drop you at will. You even thinking about waiting around further validates this kind of behavior.

[dumbass2]

You've said something's that you feel were wonderful about her and the relationship. Understand that you felt those things more strongly than she did, or else she would not so easily discard you as she has done. For another guy none the less. You should not apologize to her for anything. You need to have more self respect than that. No letters. No contacting her in December. Bottom line is, that despite her nice words to you, she did not feel the same about you. Actions vs words. She left you for another man. Don't be a fall back option for her. Think more of yourself. This is does not have a good foundation for a second chance or I would suggest a game plan.

[Purepony]

It sounds like they have history together and he’s probably someone she had been chasing for a while or they had a history together where they bonded well enough to be there I really think you should MoveOn forget about her and if she misses you believe me she will be back but as for now she’s done just didn’t want to hurt you because you where a nice guy to her

Edited November 28, 2017 by Purepony

[HumanMachine]

Writing her letters.. thanking her.. apologising.. she has PICKED ANOTHER GUY OVER YOU, why are you doing this?

[Highndry]

You have only one option in my opinion and it's to NEVER initiate contact with her again. If you're ever to have a chance to be with this woman again it will be from her seeking you out, but if it were me I'd pass anyway because having been rejected once I would not be interested in another ego crushing adventure.