MM wants to keep our connection but stop kissing and remain friends - possible?

[WillaLewis448]

20 year old transgender woman here, I’m currently stuck with feelings for a married guy (51 years old, married for ten years). I’ve known him for over a year, I met him at work (I’m a barista) and he’s been one of my customers. Things were casual so I thought until the spring. Around the time I began hormones and started losing weight and feeling more confident as my body changed, we started flirting though I was mostly oblivious. There was a lot of open flirting, handholding, prolonged eye contact, more in depth conversations, hugs, we ran into one another at a local pizzeria and he wanted to buy me dinner and eat with me but I declined because of being on break.

 

About six weeks ago, I gave him my number on one of his visits and we started texting all night every night since then, except for maybe 3 days. The first night we declared our attraction and planned to kiss the next time we saw each other. Over the course of the six weeks we continued to chat about our lives and he opened up to me about a lot of things regarding his childhood and emotional life and told me he was telling me a lot of things he hadn’t told anyone before, even his wife. At the end of the first week, I realized he wasn’t aware of my being trans and told him. He ultimately was understanding and we continued to text and he was still open to kissing me. We saw each other about three weeks later and engaged in making out outside a few blocks away from his house. Beyond that we continued with our texting about our lives and he started getting me involved in investment pursuits since he wants to help me make money.

 

Friday night, I drunkenly texted him that I wanted to suck him and his wife nearly saw the text. He then said he wasn’t pursuing things romantically with me anymore due to his apprehension (which he’s mentioned before- yet it didn’t stop him from engaging in one night stands abroad and entering this situation with me) and only wanted to have ‘our connection just not romantically’. This upset me in my drunken state and we argued and it got nasty. Sunday we smoothed things out in a calmer fashion. I told him that I wasn’t looking for him to divorce his wife and because of me being pre-op, all I wanted from him was to be able to kiss him if the opportunity ever presented itself, not that I’m demanding it with any kind of regularity or consistency. I figured that in light of his being married, my being trans, and the depth of our emotional connection, having the door open to kissing wasn’t too much to ask for.

 

He told me that he understood where I was coming from. However based on our friendship and future investment endeavors, he wants to integrate me in his life where he can be open our friendship with his wife and therefore he doesn’t want to risk further kisses because we like to make out. He said our friendship, connection, and bond is worth keeping ourselves in line for. He apparently considers the prospect of kissing again to be now in the realm of ty behavior and ‘ongoing deceit’ though personally a part of me feels like he’s relieving his guilt and apprehension by cutting me off romantically yet still keeping me in orbit as a way to feed his need to have me in his life. I told him that I accept that because I still want him in my life even just as my friend and I also want to explore these investment opportunities but that it would be difficult with my feelings for him.

 

But I’m still miffed that he gets to essentially put a stop on my feelings yet keep me around and even integrate me openly with his wife and I kind of lie about the fact that he was into me and we did kiss while he goes back to seeming like a faithful husband. I want to be his friend and continue to see him as the good guy I know he is deep down but a part of me is struggling with feeling not only rejected but used (which I knew would be the outcome but I would’ve liked maybe another opportunity to kiss). It also doesn’t make sense to me that he’s drawing the line at being deceitful here, yet texting me all night for so long, making out with me, wanting me to be involved in his investments, basically pouring his heart out to me about things he hasn’t to his wife and starting an emotional affair wasn’t that deceitful to him, or enough to not start things in the first place. And wouldn’t my being around his wife and acting as if nothing at all happened continue to be deceitful on both our parts? Is he trying to have his cake and eat it too? I don’t want to think he would try to do anything to hurt me or use me.

 

We’ve continued texting as normal (he and I have both initiated conversations) and still with our same rapport filled with jokes, comfort, and affectionate language (babe, my dear, telling me our chats are to be continued). Do you think we can be friends like we were before? Because I really think I can do it, I can’t bear the thought of never speaking or seeing him again. I like him in my life and I’m willing to let my romantic feelings for him die while continuing things and being his friend. Any analysis is greatly appreciated.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Cut ties with this man. He's unavailable and way too old for you. He's more than twice your age!

[RecentChange]

This man will use you, and throw you away.

 

Friendships like this with 50 something married men are not normal nor healthy. This man is a cheater and a user. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last.

 

Wants to integrate you into his life someone he has made out with. Someone who said she wanted to suck him off as he sat next to his wife.

 

Oh I am sure she would just love to have you around (insert eye roll).

 

You have enough going on in your life right now. Don't muck it up with an incredibly unhealthy relationship.

 

Run, don't walk away from this man.

Edited November 27, 2017 by RecentChange