should this bother me?

[splenda]

Ok, So I made a post recently about a guy I was seeing. In hindsight, I knew it wasn't right, as he a few exes in the picture, and my intuition was telling me he had been stringing them along.

 

He accidentally texted me one morning while I was at work, I had texted him asking him if felt like cooking me supper that night. Keep in mind, we had decided to n ot continue seeing each other, but were still " hanging out " every day...getting together and chatting, or talking on the phone, we would go for drives and hold hands.

 

I recognized he was just filling a void. I still became quite attached even as friends as I am new in this city and haven't met people yet. That is my own fault.

 

Anyhow, he responded with " that's probably not the best way to start a relationship, but I would love to do dinner, I know just the place". I realized afterwards he had texted the wrong person.

 

Anyhow, I told him it really bothered me that for three months he had been telling me he wasn't looking for a relationship and blah blah blah. it did hurt my feelings, but it is what it is.

 

I had bought him tickets to a concert I was going to surprise him with that Friday, because as I said, we were seeing each other every day at that point, even though we had not been intimate for two weeks. This took place on the wednesday before the concert.

 

After the conversation where he told me he had met that other woman ( and he insists he was going to meet her that night for the first time) I realized I still had the tickets. So i texted him that friday morning and mentioned them, and said " I don't want to go alone, you're welcome to them, I had bought them as a birthday gift". He was thrilled to receive them, and when he came over to pick them up I said " I guess you will be taking so and so?" ( meaning the new woman he was dating.) and he said " well, if we get together I don't know her plans...if she can't go I will just go hang with some buddies and drop these back off to you".

 

Now, I know that I gifted them and he had the right to do whatever he wanted, but my friends are all telling me that he was a jerk for not asking me if I wanted to go, as he had ( so he says) only had one coffee date with the other woman and had only tentative plans with her and was insisting he wanted to be friends with me.

 

 

He did end up going with her.....and then spent the weekend with her, and they are now ten days into a relationship and they spent this past weekend meeting each other's children and see each other every day...I told him last night we couldn't be friends because when I asked him if he felt it was for the best that the kids who have been through a divorce and a recent break up of his should be introduced to someone else already he got very emotional and angry about it and told me " when the shoe fits it fits"

 

I don't know if the tickets were rude, if I'm just jealous, or what ever it is...but this whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

[Zahara]

Why didn't you just sell the tickets or go with a friend? Did you use them to bait him in hopes he would go with you and you could possibly try to get him interested in you? And why are you in his business as to how he conducts his relationships with other women? It's none of your concern.

 

Cut him out and move on from him. Stop contacting him.

[stillafool]

Why didn't you ask him if he wanted to go with you to the concert, take one of your friends or sell them as Zahara suggested? I know it's hurtful but he is right when it fits it fits. Your mistake was hanging out with him everyday, knowing you want him but he didn't want a relationship with you. It was too much chasing on your part which I'm sure you know by now.

[splenda]

He was asking me to hang out when we were hanging out daily.

 

And yes, I had bought the tickets in hopes that we would go and enjoy it, but as I said, up until two days prior, he was asking me to hang out daily. And yes, I made a mistake by agreeing to it.

 

I did realize when I received the other text by mistake that he was in fact looking for a relationship, not just with me.

 

I gave him the tickets with the knowledge that he would likely take her, because as I said, I don't really know anyone here, and it was for his favourite band. I was okay with how it all went down, until my friends told me it was rude on his end. I was okay with it, because I realized that if he had met someone he intended to be serious with, then there would be no need to go with me.

 

I did tell him that day when he picked them up when he said he wasn't sure if she could go that I would love to go if he wanted to, and that's when he said he would just go hang with some buddies if she couldn't go.

 

And yes, I did chase him and in hindsight I am embarassed. I'm not saying I didn't handle all of this wrong.

 

And it is none of my business how he conducts things with another woman. I am jealous I will admit it, and hurt. And feel like a loser. However, when we spoke last night I did say to him that I wished him the best and I was really glad he met someone he is smitten with.

 

I guess I just get tired of people not taking accountability. We had not had the relationship talk often, I wasn't pushing for that. The two times I brought it up, asking once if we were dating, and once if he was seeing anyone else, he said to me " I really like you, I'm just not sure if a relationship is something I want in my life right now, but I am enjoying seeing where this is going" . And of course, the reaching out everyday, asking to see me, and so on. I mean I know when someone says they don't want a relationship they usually mean just with the person they are saying it to, but I was reading into his actions as well.

 

And yeah, it sucks that someone was reaching out to me as much as he was and then boom, not only did he meet someone, but an instant serious relationship. It just sucks to be on that end is all.

 

i do not plan to contact him again. I did tell him when he met her " I will just bow out gracefully at this point" and he was the one who insisted he wanted to keep in touch and wanted to be friends.

 

So yes, I see my mistakes in this, and like I said, I don't plan on reaching out to him.

[Zahara]

You posted a thread a month ago titled "MAJOR Red Flags" -- the accountability begins with you in that upon noticing these red flags, instead of running the other way, you chose to continue seeing him.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but you can't be surprised. What did you expect? The man had women buzzing around him and you were actually witness to it. He has no responsibility as to where you are -- you put yourself there.

 

The next time you see a red flag, walk away. Don't sit there and listen to words. Don't think you can change them. Don't think you're special enough that they're going to treat you differently. Just walk away. This one was setting off alarms and you chose to hold onto his words.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to cut this guy out now.

 

He is seeing other people. You have said you're not "seeing" other, but in theory, you are. But you're not the only one he's been having these hang-outs with.

[act00]

You SAY you were okay with him taking the tickets and taking this other woman (or anyone), but what you really wanted was for him to take you. This may be purely unconscious on your part, but I wouldn't fork over that kind of money and not expect to be included when the recipient is a potential love interest/boyfriend. All this time you've spent with him was because you were really into him, and somewhere deep down, you expected him to come around to you. You ignored the flags and kept along with him. This is all you, and I'm so sorry you're hurting. We mess up. Hindsight is always 20/20, and let's just hope you walk away rather than put yourself through this pain again, if this happens again, and it probably will.

 

Yes, you should be bothered, but as you know, this was a gift for him to use as he pleased, and there was no obligation to take you, but since you had this quasi-dating thing happening (holding hands, flirting), you expected him to take you. I would be upset that he didn't take me. The better choice would be to go with one of your acquaintances or friend (you say you don't really know anyone yet), or simply sell the tickets and write this guy off. Instead you gave them to him and even went so far as to pull the guilt trip (that didn't work) or reverse psychology (?), "It's okay if you bring this other girl." That worked well. <snark> Live and learn. He's been kind of a jerk the whole time...you're worth more. Move on.

[stillafool]

Learn to stop saying things you don't mean. You were lying to him when you told him he could take her to the concert, and that you are happy for him that he has found someone he is smitten with. You know you felt the complete opposite of what you said about those things and you end up hurting yourself.