Findingoutyearslater Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 A former babysitter messaged me on Facebook to confess that she had an affair with my husband seven years ago; she said it lasted for six months before she moved away. Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me. She said there are no excuses or acceptable reasons for why it happened, but that she's older now and learned from her actions. She said she got swept up by my husband's personality and she really admired how good he was with our kids. She liked that he talked to her like a friend and not someone who worked for us. She did admit to being the aggressor and initiating sex. Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie. She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness, only that she wants me to know. There's no chance she will be involved in our lives again. She lived in our area for college and then moved closer to home after graduation, several hours away. We kept in contact through Facebook messages for about a year after she left, but that became increasingly infrequent and then we stopped communicating altogether. She did say she never talked to or saw my husband again after she moved away. I didn't respond to her, I don't know what to say. I know she wouldn't make this up, but I never got the sense that anything was going on between her and my husband. It's hard to remember that long ago, but I really don't recall anything strange about his behavior at the time. He's never been distant or tried to pull away from me or the kids. I haven't confronted him and I don't know if I should; for now, it just feels surreal and I can mostly deal with it. My husband knows something's off, but I've been blaming it on work stress.
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Now that you know, it has to be addressed. Send the kids away & talk. 5
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 This is not something you should keep to yourself. Even if you think you're "ok" with it, don't you want to know if there have been any others, in the past or ongoing? He could be exposing you to diseases if he's still screwing around. 1
GorillaTheater Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 How old was your former babysitter at the time? 1
Confused48 Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 I think this is totally up to you on how you would handle it. You could hope it was a one off type of thing and never say a word. My guess though is that he's done this before and or since and is just very good at covering it up. My guess is also that, since this is new to you and you are in a state of shock, you are less confident, less self assured. You just had your whole world blow up. Once the shock of this wears off, my guess is that you will be far less indecisive as well as very angry. You won't be able to keep this to yourself for long. Be careful though. If you decide to confront, do it tactfully. Make sure you secure your assets. Also, talk to a lawyer first, to see what your options are before you confront. 2
GoldenR Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 (edited) Address it, or it will eat away at too until you do. But address it STRONGLY, bc more than likely he will try to blame you. After you've consulted a lawyer, I'd have a suitcase packed of HIS clothes and tell him that you have spoken to a lawyer, and that if he isn't interested in doing the most difficult work if his life in making it up to you, then he can leave, and you and the kids will be fine. Edited November 27, 2017 by GoldenR 5
TrustedthenBusted Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Wow. Sorry to hear about that. What a grenade to throw into someone's marriage all those years later. But yes, you have to confront him on it. He needs to know you know. Or else for the rest of your lives he will continue to walk around on his perceived high ground. 1
JS84 Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 (edited) I wouldn't try to rugsweep this. Believe me it's going to eat at you if you just try to ignore it and keep it to yourself. Also if your husband did have a six month affair of which you had no idea at all, how do you know that was his only one??? Especially if he didn't act any differently during the affair. The only reason you do about his cheating is because this woman told you. And the only reason she did was because of pressure from her fiance. Most women wouldn't have said anything to you. Your husband didn't tell you, you didn't find any clues, and you had no suspicions. That in itself should worry the hell out of you. It sounds like he's a very capable cheater unless you were missing some obvious warning signs. This could be the tip of the iceberg. Don't shove your head in the sand just because you want it to go away. That's not going to help. Edited November 27, 2017 by JS84 3
stillafool Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Personally I don't know why or how you could just sit on this information. I would jump my husband as soon as he walked through the door but that's just me. It's important to note how he could carry on like that under your nose and you not suspect a thing. Was this his first affair?
merrmeade Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Why is this a question for us? Why are you hesitating? Why wouldn't you tell him? You say you "can mostly deal with it" but I doubt you'll continue to be in one place or of one mind about it. You've just started to deal with it, and I can pretty much guarantee you'll go through some changes of heart, especially when you start thinking about your husband's accountability. And so what about that? How is it okay that this episode in his life should just disappear for everyone with no accountability to you whatsoever? It obviously weighed on her quite a bit. 1
Be_Strong Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 (edited) You should confront your husband. Tell him you “know about his cheating” and if he doesn’t fully confess to everything to you, you will divorce him. Provide him with none of the information you have obtained. If he denies ever cheating, you know he is a liar and you should leave him. If he admits to cheating, but doesn’t mention the babysitter, he is a serial cheater and you should leave him. If he admits to the babysitter and his story matches up with what the babysitter told you, there is a chance for reconciliation. If your husband has cheated in the past seven years (or is currently cheating) he’s going to assume that you know about the current cheating or a more recent infidelity. After seven years, he probably assumes that the babysitter affair is well in the past and not something you’ll ever learn about. Pretty much the only way he will admit to the babysitter is if that is the only affair he has ever engaged in. Thus, you have a good opportunity to discover whether your husband has had any other affairs by confronting him, but not giving him any of the details you discovered on your own. Edited November 27, 2017 by Be_Strong 4
usa1ah Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Sorry you are in this position. You need to talk with him and go from there. I would print off what the girl sent you and give it to him. Then leave the room for him to read it and find you afterwards. It’s your choice of what to do, but I couldn’t stay with my wife if she did the same to me. 1
Be_Strong Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 I would print off what the girl sent you and give it to him. If she gives him all of the information she has, she will have no way of assessing whether his response is honest. In essence, she will be giving all control over the situation to her husband. 2
Patrice Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 divulge what you know, just let him know YOU know there was an indiscretion. I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through, but you deserve to know the truth.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Personally I don't know why or how you could just sit on this information. I would jump my husband as soon as he walked through the door but that's just me. It's important to note how he could carry on like that under your nose and you not suspect a thing. Was this his first affair? A couple years ago my sister found out, from my ex, that her husband had hit on me twice several years ago, and literally the first thing she did when she saw him next (which was about an hour later) was confront him about it. This isn't the sort of thing most wives just let go!! 2
Jdoublenn Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Never reveal your sources. I agree with this. Have the conversation but save your messages with the babysitter until its all out. Then you'll know if hes hones about it or tries to lie about something. 3
elaine567 Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 I think you should not confront, keep your powder dry. Go into investigative mode instead, if you can hire a PI do so, but otherwise keep your eyes and ears open. Plenty info on this site as to how to expose a cheater. I doubt that sleeping with the babysitter was a one off. The first rule of cheating is to deny deny deny and if you go in there guns a blazing about this affair then you will have no hope of finding out what is really going on in the here and now and he will try to minimise and gas light you over that old affair too. Once confronted, if he is still cheating, he will then go underground and cover his tracks. YOU have the advantage of the element of surprise here do not prematurely alert him. Even guys who are caught red handed with great evidence can deny deny deny, so much so that the accuser feels that he must be innocent... Be prepared. 8
jjgitties Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 A former babysitter messaged me on Facebook to confess that she had an affair with my husband seven years ago; she said it lasted for six months before she moved away. Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me. She said there are no excuses or acceptable reasons for why it happened, but that she's older now and learned from her actions. She said she got swept up by my husband's personality and she really admired how good he was with our kids. She liked that he talked to her like a friend and not someone who worked for us. She did admit to being the aggressor and initiating sex. Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie. She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness, only that she wants me to know. There's no chance she will be involved in our lives again. She lived in our area for college and then moved closer to home after graduation, several hours away. We kept in contact through Facebook messages for about a year after she left, but that became increasingly infrequent and then we stopped communicating altogether. She did say she never talked to or saw my husband again after she moved away. I didn't respond to her, I don't know what to say. I know she wouldn't make this up, but I never got the sense that anything was going on between her and my husband. It's hard to remember that long ago, but I really don't recall anything strange about his behavior at the time. He's never been distant or tried to pull away from me or the kids. I haven't confronted him and I don't know if I should; for now, it just feels surreal and I can mostly deal with it. My husband knows something's off, but I've been blaming it on work stress. Good god. I can't imagine what you are going through. The first knee jerk reaction I am having is what a cruel bitch and her fiance. Did they not put down their little bible and stop to think what sort of effect their actions are going to have on someone elses life?!!! WTF is wrong with them!! 2
DKT3 Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Investigate? After seven years there isn't much to be found. Heck after a year I found absolutely nothing about my wife's affair expect what she so very cleverly wanted me to find if I ever found anything. It's a good idea for you to take a wide picture of what your opinions are just in case, for every scenario. Keep in mind, it is possible that the lady is not being honest with you. 2
jjgitties Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Sorry you are in this position. You need to talk with him and go from there. I would print off what the girl sent you and give it to him. Then leave the room for him to read it and find you afterwards. It’s your choice of what to do, but I couldn’t stay with my wife if she did the same to me. I think this is good advice. Perhaps look at it this way, if your marriage was based on honestly between each other up until now, then try to be honest about this as well. Tell him what you found and and from whom and tell him how you feel. Try to first to the bottom of whether there is really something about your husband that he has been hiding for a long time. Such as whether his is a serial cheater and sleeps with other women. Than based on that info and this that was revealed to you, make your decision of what you will do about it. You can take it to heart and leave him or you can decide fo forgive him. Both are perfectly valid options. They are your choice and decisions to make. If he is a serial cheater, probably good to leave him. 1
Jdoublenn Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Good god. I can't imagine what you are going through. The first knee jerk reaction I am having is what a cruel bitch and her fiance. Did they not put down their little bible and stop to think what sort of effect their actions are going to have on someone elses life?!!! WTF is wrong with them!! Id be glad she did, had it been my marriage. Id rather know now, years later, than go on several years or decades more, not knowing my hubby is likely still running around on me. 2
TrustedthenBusted Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Never reveal your sources. Agree with this. He will lie, and you need a way to verify it with her without giving her up. Just tell him you know because someone else knows and told you. He'll think it was a neighbor or something. Let him. who knows what other secrets may blurt out. Or you can do what I did. WHen I found out about one, I told her I knew about BOTH of her affairs in detail. It was a bluff, but she bought it and fessed up to both. 3
Jdoublenn Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Or you can do what I did. WHen I found out about one, I told her I knew about BOTH of her affairs in detail. It was a bluff, but she bought it and fessed up to both. That's awesome. (Sorry you were put in that position though..) 1
merrmeade Posted November 28, 2017 Posted November 28, 2017 Yes, you deserve and will need compassion and support without judgment or condition. I hope you can find a friend or relative to give you that. I speak from a similar experience, having discovered my husband's infidelity even more years later than this. At first, it feels unconnected to your life. You don't share the memory and you're not prepared to deal with it—where to store it, how to think and feel about it, or what to do about it—so you feel nothing. You think. But that will change. You'll start thinking about what you were doing at the same time. More important, you'll realize that your knowledge of the past is wrong, and you'll want to correct your memories. You'll want more information. And it will occur to you more than once that it's not fair that he had no consequences. 2
Recommended Posts