What would you do in my shoes? Trying to fix things... or move on and why?

[aSadGirl]

I met a guy at the gym a couple of months ago and we clicked right away from the first second so we really hit it off!

 

He is 22 years old and im 28, and unfortunately he is leaving 2nd january 2018 abroad to other side of the planet for a half year to study atistry (he is an artist/music producer already and is a bit famous cause he sounds almost lik Justin Beiber in his songs). We spoke about me visiting him and that we could continue dating when he was home but that he isnt relationship focused now only on his career and that he wants to be single and perhaps sleeping around/partying while he is away but that he likes me and wants a friends with benefits relationship at least up untill now..

 

We were very attracted to each other and had chemistry through the roof so we started going out and dated for about 10 times now, he even introduced me to his family who liked me he said and he started to plan for a cruise-vacation (just 2 days or something) for us etc.

 

But our sexlife wasn´t the best in the beginning as first time i was nervous/drunk so i asked "dumb" questions like "is this a really good idea?" right when we were about to start the intercorse, and next time we had the chance his parents were home and he had smoked marijuana so he wasn´t so "erected/hard", so last date at my house he said "everything has been great except the sexlife not working so it feels weird but maybe i should have more patience but i like a girl i met a half year ago last time but maybe thats a fantasy i dont know.." and i told him to leave/go home but we managed to sit down/hug and talk about deep things and he said he likes me more allready, he gave me oral sex and i him and then we had normal sex and he came and me too at the end so everything seemed "great" but he has told me he likes PETITE women like 50kg 150cm. I m about 60 kg and 165 cm (but i workout almost every day)..

He himself is about 75kg most muscles and 175 cm... and he told me he likes a big difference in the physique to feel more masculine cause now he feels more like a boy and he hasn´t been with a more mature intelligent deep fine woman like me untill now and he feels he doesn´t match up in his manliness to match "my level" or something...

 

I can understand where he´s coming from but last thursday on our date he asked me out for monday, which would be tomorrow, but tonight i met him at the gym accidently and i could tell something was off! We spoke about shallow things and when i asked about monday he said honestly that he had sex with a 18-year old girl the next day after our date and without protection even and they´ve had sex before too + she came 5 times... so yeah.. it broke my heart and i just started to walk away, he ran after me and told me "let´s talk".

 

We sat down and he said he likes me but last year he´ve friendzoned a lot of girls all the time perhaps as a protective measure but he feels its good for him and that he doesn´t want to be mean but maybe we should "put it on ice" (our relationship).

I said im dissapointed and was looking forward toward our date tomorrow and that it was his turn (to pay cause ive given him dinners at my place like 5 times in a row), and he said yeah and that there is potential for something really hot between us but that there is some barrier that has to go down first but that he doesnt know how but thinks its possible and i asked him "what do you mean?" and he said he is on a low level sexually, unexperienced.

 

I told him i have encouraged him and we can learn and he dont have to feel pressure to be potent but he said "risk is if we see each other more there will be more drama too. its perhaps best to just be gym-buddies cause its most comfortable, respectful and also if it would get hot between us then its boring to leave (for studies abroad a half year away from each other).

 

But that he don´t believe in us now cause he only focuses on himself and making money, and knows he is selfish but only till he will try to get a family later in life, and he want his first kid in about 5-10 years from now (me too but yeah).

I said im dating with intention to perhaps get into a relationship and thought we had it good but he just went to another the day after us..

He took my hands across the table carefully and kissed them then said "goodbye my dear".

And i said "no please stop, i get separation anxiety :("

He said "we will see each other here at the gym. i havent been so productive this weekend so tomorrow its best if i work anyway" (instead of our date).

i said "I dont want it to end here.."

He responed "i want you to find someone good"

i said: "How?"

He said: "perhaps a datingsite or through your career.."

and I said "no..damn :/"

and we went our seperate ways and he said "see you"

then it was over just like that

 

I wish for advice now.

Im disgusted he had unprotected sex with another cause with me we always had condoms.. anyway its also a blockage so i dont feel like ever kissing/having sex with him again after this "betrayal" that almost feels like cheating to me (and im afraid of STDs) even if we only dated casually but he had given me hopes it was only me he is seeing/planning to dat so im still andryg it ended like this...

 

I´m considering my options now:

1. Go no contact and only say "hi" at the gym and not much more, just walking by.. and try to forget him alltogether. (but in hopes he will miss me and come back)

 

2. Try to ask him tomorrow for a favour, he is living close to a place i need to buy a thing at so i thought perhaps he could give me a ride there in his car? its very complicated to go there by bus/walk otherwise...

And while at it, perhaps tell him we can just fool around but condom on and no oral sex? hmm.. i dont know. Right now i hate him anyway but i miss the good interactions with our laughter, deep talks, and cozy hugs etc maybe i could say we can be a cuddle buddies? like no sex? hmm or maybe not a good idea. it might happen anyway perhaps i dont know :/

 

Damn i know i sound foolish but i have feelings for him, and i already miss him and have been crying several hours now cause i just wish this ending wasnt true and wish he could call me and say he regrets this and wants me back and will fight for me.

 

When he was at my place last date and i said "i thought we had love" he started to rub his eyes and said he is sad too and perhaps should be more patient cause we have something special/deep/good (he had tears but didnt cry much)..and later after we spoke that last date he said he likes me more already after us opening up so genuinely (and then all the sex and sleepover happened)

so i dont know :/ some signs are telling me he does have feelings for me but others not..

 

Can you guys please give me good advice ? And not just the "forget him"-type-of-thins.g.. but rather how to work this out with him as fast and good as possible? So we could have it better before he travels away 5weeks from now for 6months...?

 

I felt so happy and alive with him, and haven´t had so much fun in a long while.. but its not easy to just replace with someone new :/ it happens like once a year a connection like this, but onfortunately it always ends.. i feel so sad now, been up all night crying... i dont want to move on before i consider the options.. but in my situation, what would you do?

 

I feel i must have some dignity and not care about him anymore since he slept unprotected with the other girl just a day after our great date and he doesnt seemed so remorseful even, so i know i must be selfrespecting and not give him another time of the day.. but its not so easy when i feel my heart is in this i dont know how to forgive him anyway (for that sex with another) and it will take weeks till he gets test-results from if he contracted ans STD anyway so i know this is probably doomed but im still here trying to hope a little.. so if someone can give me hopefull advice then please go ahead. Things like "move on" isn´t doing anything for me at this phase... i feel chocked from this evening and dont know if i really should give up on him or not... Please help!

[MsJayne]

If you don't want to hear "forget him" then you probably shouldn't ask for advice...... you're talking about a guy who has zero respect for you. Sorry, but the way you tell it sounds like he's trying to get rid of you, and it might hurt now but you should be glad, because he's quite the A-Hole.

[PegNosePete]

Can you guys please give me good advice ? And not just the "forget him"-type-of-thins.g.. but rather how to work this out with him as fast and good as possible?

You don't get to ask gfor advice, and then tell us what advice we can and can't give!

 

Forget him. He is just using you for sex. Why on earth would you want to work things out with a guy who treats you like a piece of dirt on his shoe?? You need to have some self respect and never speak to this guy again.

[snowboy91]

Can you guys please give me good advice ? And not just the "forget him"-type-of-thins.g.. but rather how to work this out with him as fast and good as possible? So we could have it better before he travels away 5weeks from now for 6months...?

 

I felt so happy and alive with him, and haven´t had so much fun in a long while.. but its not easy to just replace with someone new :/ it happens like once a year a connection like this, but onfortunately it always ends.. i feel so sad now, been up all night crying... i dont want to move on before i consider the options.. but in my situation, what would you do?

 

I feel i must have some dignity and not care about him anymore since he slept unprotected with the other girl just a day after our great date and he doesnt seemed so remorseful even, so i know i must be selfrespecting and not give him another time of the day.. but its not so easy when i feel my heart is in this i dont know how to forgive him anyway (for that sex with another) and it will take weeks till he gets test-results from if he contracted ans STD anyway so i know this is probably doomed but im still here trying to hope a little.. so if someone can give me hopefull advice then please go ahead. Things like "move on" isn´t doing anything for me at this phase... i feel chocked from this evening and dont know if i really should give up on him or not... Please help!

 

I'm sorry to say that I agree with the others here. I know it's not what you want to hear, but think of it this way: He's not in a position to give you what you want. You want a relationship, he wants to have fun and focus on his career. As much as it hurts, you need to find someone who is going to give you what you want. And it is out there, don't you worry about that!

[joseb]

You don't get to ask gfor advice, and then tell us what advice we can and can't give!

 

Forget him. He is just using you for sex. Why on earth would you want to work things out with a guy who treats you like a piece of dirt on his shoe?? You need to have some self respect and never speak to this guy again.

 

This.

 

Lot's of guys use women for sex, but at least they are nice about it!

This guy is plain mean.

 

"Oh guess what, I banged this 18yo chick and i didn't bother using a condom, and she came, like 5 times" - only a moron or a callous nasty piece of work would say this.

 

OP, what are you thinking?

[sdraw108]

You're 28. You're old enough to know full well that you shouldn't be wasting time on this immature 22 year old.

 

I suggest you date someone closer to your age who is ready to give you what you want.

[Zahara]

Every time you post about a new guy, the pattern is the same. You attach to unavailable guys. They soon dump you. You then ask -- how do I get him to like me, how do I make him want me, how can I make it work, and of course the "don't tell me I should forget him" -- if anything, you're consistent with chasing men that do not want to be with you. Question is -- why have you not learned the lesson?

 

The guy used you for sex. He even told you he only wants friends with benefits. You knew he was heading off soon. Yet, you blindly jumped in, ignored the flags and put yourself in a bad situation again.

 

You're 28. You need to grow up. If you want a relationship, start picking men that are available to you and fall within a set of standards and values that you believe qualify them as potential dating partners. But you first have to figure out your own worth and what you deserve. Until then, you'll keep in this dysfunctional cycle.

 

And yes, forget this one and move on.

[stillafool]

It's almost as if he is telling you that you are too old for him and he wants a younger woman which at his age (22) is normal. 22 year old guys date 18/19 year old girls. You are begging this guy to want you and he has told you good bye but you won't leave him alone. You are still trying to come up with excuses to be in his face but he doesn't want you. I would suggest you not waste another moment chasing down this young man. He is simply not interested and you need to drive this fact into your brain.

[HumanMachine]

It's almost as if he is telling you that you are too old for him and he wants a younger woman which at his age (22) is normal. 22 year old guys date 18/19 year old girls. You are begging this guy to want you and he has told you good bye but you won't leave him alone. You are still trying to come up with excuses to be in his face but he doesn't want you. I would suggest you not waste another moment chasing down this young man. He is simply not interested and you need to drive this fact into your brain.

 

This. You’re coming off as incredibly desperate and needy at 28 acting like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, come on now, girl.

 

You are being used and you are practically begging him to do it. There is no fixing this.

 

Instead, work on your own standards so you don't continue to get mixed up with guys who treat you like this. He doesn't like you the same way you do.

[Been]

Your being used and you know it. Not only that but he has no respect for you.

Even if yo worked thing out-and you would basically have to bend over backwards to do it- it isn't going to be worth it.

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to forget about him but in order to "keep" part of him you need to realize several things:

 

1. You are not exclusive.

 

2. You will never be exclusive.

 

3. He engages in behavior that can possible jeopardize your health.

 

4. You are nothing more than a notch on his bedpost

 

5. He's already trying to disentangle himself from you.

 

6. He admits he's selfish.

 

7. His career will ALWAYS be his priority.

 

8. When he leaves in January, your place in his life will slip even farther; there will be more girls, less contact & you chasing after him like a desperate older woman.

 

9. He's a player who had his fun with you but he's now basically done.

 

The price of "keeping" him is your self respect. Even then all you will get is an occasional roll in the hay when he can't find a younger, prettier, more convenient bedmate. Proceed at your own risk. No matter what you do, he's gonna leave anyway. Shouldn't it be on your terms?

[Been]

It comes down to how much YOU value yourself. How much your willing to let slide so someone will "like you".

You can't fix things unless they are broken. He doesn't seem broken- he's just a rude person.

If you take the time to work on yourself I promise you you will meet someone who will want to be with YOU and only you. And you will be happy and not have to worry about if someone is going to not treat you right or cheat on you.