21[F] virgin with experienced 25[M]. Will sex still be special for him?

[Rabbitisland]

Hi all!

 

I'm new here but have been a lurker for a week or two. I'm very confused in my feelings and I feel like this is the best place to get advice or at least here other perspectives besides my own. So here goes:

 

I've been in an official relationship for about 4 months now, though we've been flirting and "talking" since January. This is my very first relationship ever and I am 21 year old female. Because this is my very first relationship, I am still a virgin. However, my 25 year old boyfriend is not. He has slept with "around 24 women" as he puts it. All of them one night stands that turned into "relationships" for about a week. I'm the longest relationship he's had. He told me about a month ago and I'm the beginning it stung and intimated me that he had been with that many while I had been with absolutely no one but I have since gotten over it. Can't change the past and none of us are living in it so it is what it is. He's with me now. However, this IS something that is lingering with me and I don't know if that is because I have no experience whatsoever in dating or in sex...? I don't know. I'm hoping you guys can help me out.

 

He knows I'm a virgin and has patiently waited until I feel as if I am ready. And now I am. Since it will be my first time, since this is my first relationship, and knowing how I am, I know this will be a very special moment for me. But I'm nervous that it won't be for him? I just keep thinking that everything we do, he would've done before and I don't see how that is special. He says it'll be special because he will finally be doing it with someone he cares about and loves. He says it'll be his way to express how deeply he feels for me and it'll be a way for us to connect on a more deeper, intimate level. Maybe I'm naive because this is my first relationship but I believe him when he says he loves me. I'm just confused on how sex with me is different from other people?

 

Is casual sex different than sex with someone you love? If you're physically doing the same thing, how is it with me he's expressing love but with every other chic is was just a way to get off? I just want this to mean something to him as it will to me.

 

Also now that I've mentioned sex he says he wants to wait?! I don't get it. He never waited before to have sex with a girl but now he's waiting?? When I asked why he said "With you I want to wait". But I'm tired of waiting!! I'm a late boomer as it is and now that I'm finally ready I'm told I have to wait. I feel inadequate and unwanted.

 

Sorry if these questions seem like common sense. I was very sheltered, shy, and insecure growing up. My parents never had any talks with me about this stuff. I'm new to the world of dating, sex, and intimacy and my friends are all virgins too who have never dated so I can't ask them. I thought you guys could help me out/ give me some advice/ give me your perspective of things.

 

Thank you so much!

 

Sorry for the rambling!

[No_Go]

Of course it is going to be special for him as well:) First time with a new partner, whether it’s your first or 100th partner, is always exciting, a bit nerve wracking experience. He wants to wait quite possibly to give you time to feel more comfortable and same for him.

 

Don’t worry too much. It will happen soon. And it possibly won’t be the best sex in your life (first times are just awkward - it is not a bad thing), but it will still be a memorable experience.

 

I was few years older than you with my first and decided not to tell him He guessed because I was too scared/acting unnatural, but it went just fine. I still have a fond memory of him and that day although we parted ways.

[jjgitties]

Is casual sex different than sex with someone you love?

 

yes. absolutely!

 

If you're physically doing the same thing, how is it with me he's expressing love but with every other chic is was just a way to get off? I just want this to mean something to him as it will to me.

 

you are the only one who can know if he truly loves you or is just saying things in order to be able to sleep with a virgin. its very difficult to figure out. try to see what is it that you feel in your heart for him.

 

 

Also now that I've mentioned sex he says he wants to wait?! I don't get it. He never waited before to have sex with a girl but now he's waiting?? When I asked why he said "With you I want to wait". But I'm tired of waiting!! I'm a late boomer as it is and now that I'm finally ready I'm told I have to wait. I feel inadequate and unwanted.

 

Sorry if these questions seem like common sense. I was very sheltered, shy, and insecure growing up. My parents never had any talks with me about this stuff. I'm new to the world of dating, sex, and intimacy and my friends are all virgins too who have never dated so I can't ask them. I thought you guys could help me out/ give me some advice/ give me your perspective of things.

 

Thank you so much!

 

Sorry for the rambling!

 

I also can't explain who your BF wants to wait. You say you have been dating since January? So its been almost a year? Seems like a very very long time for young 20 year old people to be dating and not sleeping together.

[Rabbitisland]

Of course it is going to be special for him as well:) First time with a new partner, whether it’s your first or 100th partner, is always exciting, a bit nerve wracking experience. He wants to wait quite possibly to give you time to feel more comfortable and same for him.

 

Don’t worry too much. It will happen soon. And it possibly won’t be the best sex in your life (first times are just awkward - it is not a bad thing), but it will still be a memorable experience.

 

I was few years older than you with my first and decided not to tell him He guessed because I was too scared/acting unnatural, but it went just fine. I still have a fond memory of him and that day although we parted ways.

 

Thank you for this

[Rabbitisland]

yes. absolutely!

 

 

 

you are the only one who can know if he truly loves you or is just saying things in order to be able to sleep with a virgin. its very difficult to figure out. try to see what is it that you feel in your heart for him.

 

 

 

 

I also can't explain who your BF wants to wait. You say you have been dating since January? So its been almost a year? Seems like a very very long time for young 20 year old people to be dating and not sleeping together.

 

Well we've technically have only been dating since July so it's really only been 4 months. But I agree! I can't seem to figure out the true reason on why he won't sleep with me thank you for your other answers though! Call me naive, but I truly believe that he says what he means!

[jjgitties]

Well we've technically have only been dating since July so it's really only been 4 months. But I agree! I can't seem to figure out the true reason on why he won't sleep with me thank you for your other answers though! Call me naive, but I truly believe that he says what he means!

 

Oh.. okay, well, 4 months is not that strange. Why he wants to continue to wait, you are going to need to dig and discuss if you really need to understand and find out .. or just be laid back about it and go with the flow and let things happen when they happen.

 

my suggestion, let things happen when they happen.

[PegNosePete]

He has slept with "around 24 women" as he puts it. All of them one night stands that turned into "relationships" for about a week.

Sorry to be the voice of pessimism here, when everyone else is so positive.

 

The best indicator of future performance, is past performance.

 

In the past, out of 24 women, he has never had a relationship beyond a week. I doubt he will stick around long after you have sex.

 

I'm happy to be proven wrong but, I think you will become #25.

[d0nnivain]

I am a woman but men & women experience sex differently. It's biology. His sex organ is on the outside Yours is inside. You must accept another person inside your body to have sex. It's an incredibly intimate experience & it comes with all sorts of emotions.

 

He is hesitant because he knows his own track record: love 'em & leave 'em. He also knows that taking a woman's virginity when she has held on to it as long as you have causes emotional entanglements. He is concerned about how attached you are going to become after sex. Sex does not equal love for him but it might for you. He may not want that or more optimistically he's trying to change his patterns to give his heart time to catch up to his body.

 

He's not going to think you are "bad in bed" or some other drivel. He'll be too busy savoring his conquest.

[elaine567]

I would question his version of "waiting" for you.

A guy who is used to ONSs and casual sex is not usually going to become celibate overnight, so if you are not having sex with him then who is?

 

I just think he sounds like a very poor choice of guy to lose your virginity to if you do not want to be just another notch on a bed post...

Has he been tested for STIs?

[Lamartine]

Is casual sex different than sex with someone you love?

 

YES. I'm 36 with a divorce and several long terms relationships under my belt. So, by no means am I a virgin. Regardless, if I am excited about the connection I have made with a new person, sex with him would be very special. Granted, I am a woman and may have a different perspective than men. My late ex-husband, however, was 20 years older than I. He had an enormous amount of sexual experience, and I know that our experience together was incredibly meaningful to both of us. My philosophy is not to worry too much about a person's past if: (1) he has no STDs; (2) appears to be living his life in a manner that is acceptable to me now; and (3) shares affection with me. That said, anyone who has read my last posts knows that I have not always picked the right men...

 

While I firmly believe that sex with someone you love is special regardless of past experience, I am a little concerned about the man you describe. He seems to have an entrenched pattern. A week does not a relationship make, so, essentially, he has had 24 one night stands at a young age. My question to you (and this is not rhetorical...you may have a very good answer) is: why do you think you will be different? Something makes me wonder whether the reason he is reluctant to sleep with you is that he recognizes that your first time is a big deal and knows he might not have the emotional availability to be there for you afterwards.

 

If I were you, I would have a very frank discussion with him about where you stand in his life before you sleep with him. I don't want you to sleep with this man and then lose him, as I think that would make for a very difficult experience for you.

 

I hope this works out for you!

[Rabbitisland]

I would question his version of "waiting" for you.

A guy who is used to ONSs and casual sex is not usually going to become celibate overnight, so if you are not having sex with him then who is?

 

I just think he sounds like a very poor choice of guy to lose your virginity to if you do not want to be just another notch on a bed post...

Has he been tested for STIs?

 

He says he has always had protected sex so I figured that meant he was clean. But typing it out I realize how foolish my thinking is and I'm going to ask him to go and get tested to be safe

[kendahke]

He says he has always had protected sex so I figured that meant he was clean. But typing it out I realize how foolish my thinking is and I'm going to ask him to go and get tested to be safe

 

OMG--he needs to go get tested before he comes anywhere near you.

 

That's probably why he's waiting--because he realized that he needs to go get tested first.

 

He has slept with "around 24 women" as he puts it. All of them one night stands that turned into "relationships" for about a week.

 

In the past, out of 24 women, he has never had a relationship beyond a week. I doubt he will stick around long after you have sex.

OP--do not dismiss this glaring fracture in your narrative about him. He is the common denominator in those 24 encounters that ended within 7 days. That's really not someone to lose one's virginity with, especially when you tie as much importance to it as you do. He doesn't have a record of long term relationship success and that doesn't bode well for you. Do you and your virginity really want to be the guinea pig?

[smackie9]

make him wear a condom anyways, just to be safe. People lie....and him "waiting" has me wondering if he is getting it somewhere else and is pulling the wool over your eyes.

 

IMO someone with a sketchy background like his, is not a good relationship candidate for someone who is new/ inexperienced willing to toss their V card.

 

You are taking a risk on this.

[stillafool]

I am a woman but men & women experience sex differently. It's biology. His sex organ is on the outside Yours is inside. You must accept another person inside your body to have sex. It's an incredibly intimate experience & it comes with all sorts of emotions.

 

He is hesitant because he knows his own track record: love 'em & leave 'em. He also knows that taking a woman's virginity when she has held on to it as long as you have causes emotional entanglements. He is concerned about how attached you are going to become after sex. Sex does not equal love for him but it might for you. He may not want that or more optimistically he's trying to change his patterns to give his heart time to catch up to his body.

 

He's not going to think you are "bad in bed" or some other drivel. He'll be too busy savoring his conquest.

 

This is a point because I've known women who have waited longer than you (27-30 year olds) to lose their virginity and a lot of the guys they dated didn't want to be their first because of the expectations they thought she would have afterwards. They felt it was too much of a responsibility.

 

I agree that he is not going to think you are bad in bed but just happy to have you there.

[jjgitties]

Sorry to be the voice of pessimism here, when everyone else is so positive.

 

He is hesitant because he knows his own track record: love 'em & leave 'em. He also knows that taking a woman's virginity when she has held on to it as long as you have causes emotional entanglements. He is concerned about how attached you are going to become after sex. Sex does not equal love for him but it might for you. He may not want that or more optimistically he's trying to change his patterns to give his heart time to catch up to his body.

 

I am going to jump in and try to be the voice or reason here. It would be nice and fair if virgins only lost their virginity to other virgins or other people with very low sex partner counts -- but that donsn't always happen.

 

A guy in his early 20s who's had 24 sex partners is a guy that knows how to talk to women and get laid. He has known OP for about a year and dating her for 4 months. Unless this guy has some sort of weird obsession with being able to brag about taking a virginity, I think a guy like that ain't going to be hanging around for such a long time and waiting for his conquest to be ripe and ready.

 

Guys also lie. Many a guy I knew who claimed crazy numbers of people he had sex with only to be revealed that number was no where near what claimed.

 

The past performance theory is also questionable. It's entirely possible this guy managed to hook up with easy loose women up until now and the OP is the first first nice girl he met and is genuinely in love with.

 

Who knows. As I said OP, look into your heart and decide if you love this guy and like him enough to want to sleep with him. You have known him for almost a year. By know you should have a pretty good idea what he is all about.

 

Good luck

[Rabbitisland]

Thank you everyone for all your answers! I have been reading and re reading all your your replies and I'm taking most everything in. I truly believe that what he says how he feels about me is the truth. I've read on previous threads on this and on various websites that people with high numbers do change and settle down eventually. Maybe I'm the girl that was able to get him to do that somehow? The number was an issue before but after reading threads and articles online on retroactive jealousy and going to therapy I got over it. But after reading some replies my fears are slowly creeping back...Again, I am soaking in all your responses (thank you!!) and I am treading lightly and carefully with him. I really don't want to be another notch under his belt.

[smackie9]

The numbers are not a concern at all....everyone is pointing out this guy can't seem to have a serious relationship....not even over a week or two....24 tries=0 long term relationships is what is concerning. odds like that....your chances of having long term with him are quite slim.

[d0nnivain]

The Number is all relative. Different people draw those lines differently. I'm not so concerned about the number but the failure to have anything meaningful with any of them. Most people usually lose their virginity to somebody they have been dating but this guy didn't even have a relationship with her. What does that tell you?

 

 

Just be careful & use your brains & you should be fine.

[Lamartine]

I agree that it's not the numbers but his failure to form a relationship with any of them that matters.

 

That said, he is very young, so maybe, in meeting you, he is meeting the first woman about whom he cares.

 

I just advice you to tread carefully. Make sure you talk to him and have all the information you need about his intentions towards you and whether something about sex scares him away from women. Everything could be fine. I just think that you need to go into this with your eyes wide open, knowing the potential pros AND cons.

[elaine567]

I truly believe that what he says how he feels about me is the truth.

 

On what exactly do you base that trust?

To me it seems like an unrealistic level of naivety.

 

-I have burgled every house in the street but I will not steal from you...

-Yeah right!

[Rabbitisland]

On what exactly do you base that trust?

To me it seems like an unrealistic level of naivety.

 

-I have burgled every house in the street but I will not steal from you...

-Yeah right!

 

Well I guess all I'm doing is believing his word but he's been around for about a year and we've been together for 4 months so I'm using that to believe and trust what he's said as well. Maybe it is an unrealistic level of naivety. This is my first relationship. I acknowledge that I'll probably most likely be naive about many things that pertain to it

[Rabbitisland]

Sorry for me completely misunderstanding what most were saying about him and his numbers! I understand now. I'll continue to tread lightly and try to get a sense of where his head is at regarding us and this relationship

[d0nnivain]

Rabbitisland

 

 

I concerned for you because of what happened to several of my friends when we were younger & they decided to have sex for the 1st time. Most were in long term relationships (as serious as those can get in HS, early college & under 20). They all thought they were in love & the boys assured my friends that they (the boys) were in love too. After they had sex, when those relationships ended my friends were devastated. They struggled, some for years, trying to figure out why these guys who professed to love them, who they gave what they thought was a beautiful & important gift, didn't stick around forever.

 

 

When you have sex, your body actually releases hormones that help you bond to your partner. When you have sex for the 1st few times & have never experienced these hormones before the bond is intensified. If you don't end up with happily ever after it can cause devastating emotional repercussions.

 

 

I was so concerned about making sure that didn't happen to me, I actually lost my virginity for very clinical as opposed to lovey dovey reasons. I liked the guy well enough but I was not in love with him. He was kind & considerate. He knew it was my first time. He was respectful. He sent me flowers afterwards but I went out of my way to make sure I did not bond with him because I was so afraid of getting hurt but I also didn't want to be a virgin any more. I didn't have sex again until I actually fell in love. By that time because I'd had the physical experience I felt like it was more of a choice on my part.

 

 

I am not saying my way of dealing with these very personal issues would work for anybody else. I'm just sharing with you what I did.

 

 

Knowing him for a year is not dating him for a year. Dating him for 4 months shows some level of restraint & respect on his part. I just don't want you to assume that simply because he tells you he loves you & has sex with you that he means he loves you. It's no guarantee that you will get the happily ever after. It's no guarantee you won't but please make decisions based on what you want, not what has been promised to you.

[Rabbitisland]

Rabbitisland

 

 

I concerned for you because of what happened to several of my friends when we were younger & they decided to have sex for the 1st time. Most were in long term relationships (as serious as those can get in HS, early college & under 20). They all thought they were in love & the boys assured my friends that they (the boys) were in love too. After they had sex, when those relationships ended my friends were devastated. They struggled, some for years, trying to figure out why these guys who professed to love them, who they gave what they thought was a beautiful & important gift, didn't stick around forever.

 

 

When you have sex, your body actually releases hormones that help you bond to your partner. When you have sex for the 1st few times & have never experienced these hormones before the bond is intensified. If you don't end up with happily ever after it can cause devastating emotional repercussions.

 

 

I was so concerned about making sure that didn't happen to me, I actually lost my virginity for very clinical as opposed to lovey dovey reasons. I liked the guy well enough but I was not in love with him. He was kind & considerate. He knew it was my first time. He was respectful. He sent me flowers afterwards but I went out of my way to make sure I did not bond with him because I was so afraid of getting hurt but I also didn't want to be a virgin any more. I didn't have sex again until I actually fell in love. By that time because I'd had the physical experience I felt like it was more of a choice on my part.

 

 

I am not saying my way of dealing with these very personal issues would work for anybody else. I'm just sharing with you what I did.

 

 

Knowing him for a year is not dating him for a year. Dating him for 4 months shows some level of restraint & respect on his part. I just don't want you to assume that simply because he tells you he loves you & has sex with you that he means he loves you. It's no guarantee that you will get the happily ever after. It's no guarantee you won't but please make decisions based on what you want, not what has been promised to you.

 

 

Thank you for this. I absolutely LOVE that last line. You're right. I'm walking into this relationship with a clearer view and with eyes wide open. I'm not going to sleep with him just yet. I have some thinking and evaluationing to do. I've waited this long I can wait a little longer lol. Thank you

[fireflyingaway]

I was reading through this thread and I was in a similar situation to you OP a few years ago.

 

I had just turned 23 and I was still a virgin when I met my first (serious) boyfriend. He was 26 and had A LOT more sexual experience with me. It's interesting that the told you how many women he's been with...Very curious, my ex would never tell me a number even when I asked...in hindsight I really didn't want to know. I was just being naive.

 

Anyways, we had sex eight weeks after being together and it was all fine. Never regretted my decision, I loved him and I was glad I waited for him.

 

Fast forward a few months and after a trip to the doctor, I found out I had HPV. Considering my situation, I knew my (ex) boyfriend had given it to me.

 

It was a pretty crappy experience and it changed my life. Indirectly, it was one of the key reasons why broke up...mostly because how he handled the whole thing, but I digress.

 

My advice to you, as virgin who may possibly sleep with a man who has admitted to sleeping with a fair number of women, be careful. Something like HPV is undetectable in men and hard to diagnose. So, protect yourself. Be aware. Just be careful. Be smart