Kelly_Thomas Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 I've never done something like this before but I've found myself with no one to reach out to. My partner and I have been together for six years. We had our fair share of ups and downs like most couples but this year has been the most difficult. As a bit of a back story, when we got together six years ago I already had a child from a previous relationship. That relationship was my first and was very emotionally and mentally abusive and rife with cheating. I left at 4 months pregnant heartbroken, broke and homeless. Through the help of my family I managed to rebuild my life. When I met my current partner I was in a really good place, I had my 18 month old beautiful daughter, a nice flat and a good job. My daughter was in nursery and we were both so content. When my current partner entered the scene it was unexpected for both of us but we couldn't deny the feelings and very soon became a couple. My daughters biological father was never interested so my current partner stepped into that role and they both have an amazing bond. Three years in and we had another daughter and our family seemed complete. One of the ongoing problems in our relationship was communication, even though my heart is completely shattered I don't have rose tinted glasses on. The communication firstly started with me being very closed off and not saying how I felt and then exploding. Over the years, I've learned through difficulty how to explain myself and open up. It's fair to say that now I've found my voice I'm a bit unstoppable. And that's why he's left me. We were meant to get married in June of this year, a month before the wedding he called it off. Why? Because we had a argument about an electricity bill. Looking back it wasn't even an argument. He asked me something about the bill, I told him the answer, he said he didn't understand, I tried to explain again, he still didn't understand & got upset that I wasn't communicating effectively enough. Two days later he called off the wedding saying that it was the right thing to do because we can't communicate. Needless to say I was devastated that something so trivial would result in a cancellation of a wedding. For me that should have been the end of the relationship but he convinced me that it would be sad if we left it like that & didn't try absolutely everything to get us to communicate better. Here's my problem, I HAD and issue with communicating and I don't now. So working on communication for me was never a good enough reason to cancel the wedding, but you agree anyway don't you? When your in love and want your relationship to work. I know this must sound like I'm super sensitive and hyper aware but as a couple we are very aware to give each other space, we both love each others company but relish our own company at times too. We can be at home all day and not even see each other for a few hours lol. So we went to one session of counselling and both agreed that that wasn't the avenue for us. So we sat down as we have many times before and agreed on parameters of how we communicate and what you can and can't say etc. Trust me I do all of this, to the very best of my ability. But it seems that as soon as I open my mouth to discuss an issue or a feeling that I have, I'm thrown into a world of arguments, accusations and being dumped. Continuous back and forths like this have decided the fate of my relationship. I've even put it to the test, apologising for things I know I shouldn't be and things have been hunky dory. So I can only sum up that it's the fact that I'm trying to communicate with him at all is why he's breaking up with me. If he's upset and he can go silent for up to 7 days, it's a terrible atmosphere and Ill try to cajole him into talking about the issue but he won't budge. We run his dads company together so after the recent debacle he's literally only talked to me about business. When you've lived with someone for 6 years you can detect a small change in their energy and behaviour so on Friday I asked him if he was ok, he said yes even though he clearly wasn't. This guy is my best friend, our connection and bond is so amazing to the point where it's almost telepathic. We tell each other absolutely everything, even the bad horrible things that no one wants to hear from someone you love and we've overcome so much worse. But it seems like if I bring up a topic that he doesn't like or if I use the parameters that he's set as a basis for me to communicate with him, it has never gone well. It feels like it has to be on his terms. He says that even though we're amazing 95% of the time, that 5% that we lock horns means that there's something deeply wrong in our relationship. I pointed out to him that be his own equation that doesn't make sense and is completely unfair. His response was that I need to respect how he feels and am wasting my time trying to get him to see otherwise. Anyway, yesterday afternoon he's decided that he doesn't care anymore, whatever is wrong in our relationship he doesn't care to fix it and his words were 'if you could see how much I don't care right now you wouldn't be talking to me' He's told me that he's moving in with his parents and he'll be happy to continue working together but as far as a relationship goes he's not interested anymore. As I write this my heart is in so much pain. I have no one I can talk to, as all my family and friends basically shunned me for not dumping him when he cancelled the wedding. One of my friends actually said, 'he's only staying with you so he doesn't seem like the bad guy who cancelled a wedding but really he doesn't want to be with you' she was right and I was wrong. As of last night he left and is supposed to return today to pick up his belongings. I slept about 3 hours last night and have eaten half a bag of peanuts since Friday night. My children have been a major source of comfort to me but they're not used to not seeing their dad for so long even though it's been a day and the youngest is constantly asking for her daddy, as if she suspects that his absence is more than him just being 'at Grandma's'. My heart is so broken because I'm at a loss at what I did or didn't do to save our relationship. I know there's nothing that can be done now, but I fear the future. The immediate future is him coming back in a few hours and clearing his belongings. Me having to look at the empty space in the wardrobe and the empty draws. We agreed to tell our eldest (she's 8) about us separating. I fear her reaction to the news and having to be strong for her. I fear opening up to family and friends that their suspicions were right, and even though I know they won't judge me I'm embarrassed that I look like a fool. I'm trying to keep myself from crying so my eyes aren't red raw when he comes and even more so resist the temptation of dropping to my knees and begging him to reconsider. I've been here before and I know that on the other side of this pain is happiness. If you've read this far, thank you. Your advice and support is so very much needed.
mintty Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 (edited) Well I don't really know what to say but your story made me really emotional... I'm really sorry for you. I don't have much experience in relationship so I fear that I can't help you that much on that. I mean, you already know what you should know as you said it. I know it must hurts so much (I've been heartbroken a lot of times already I can understand you on that point) but yeah you have to stay strong and don't give up. You deserve to be happy and you'll mannage to get that happiness back. Also, for your daughter... Well. My parents got divorced when I was 6, and 8 is not that much different. It's an age when you're too old to not see the difference and too young to understand, so I'm not gonna lie to you, it's gonna be hard. It was for me. I was crying all the time, I just couldn't understand what was happening, why my parents did what they did. I had to see a therapist too, and I think that helped. Now I understand perfectly why they did what they did and if they're happier like this I'm happy for them. So you'll probably struggle with your daughter but in the end it'll be okay. You'll have to be patient and strong for her, and also explain as best as you could why all of this is happening. I advise you don't lie to her, because my parents did. They gave two different versions and I didn't know who to trust and I felt betrayed. It's really not a good thing to do in my point of view. I'm not in the same situation than you at all but I too needed to talk to someone for a long time but couldn't reach for anyone. And after I struggled with only myself and saw I couldn't do it alone, I took the decision to start a therapy. People can say whatever they want, if you find the right person, it helps. Really. Don't be ashamed of seeing someone to help you because you have nothing to be ashamed of, it's okay if you need to. Also, you'll need someone by your side at one point. You'll need to relay on someone from time to time because you're only human and you'll have to breathe sometimes and let go. Even if life will get hard you'll still need to take time for yourself and do things you like. Don't forget yourself because it'll end badly. People will understand. I know you're afraid but I believe you're strong enough. Don't forget that you're not alone and that it's okay to ask people for help or whatever you need. As you said 'on the other side of this pain is happiness'. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, yeah ? Don't let him back in your life after what he did, treat yourself better. You aren't that low right? You deserve someone else, he just wasn't the one. I know what it feels like to believe in someone wrong and going against all your loved one to finally come back to them because they were right from the start. You'll feel stupid and ashamed, but don't be. It's okay. You were wrong but that's okay. People makes mistakes, but the one who made the bigger one here isn't you, it's him. They'll be there for you anyway. But you need them so don't run away. What happened happened and that's it. You can't do anything you just have to move forward. It will takes time but you'll manage. I believe in you, and you have to believe in yourself too. Hope my comment helps a little. Know that if you need someone I'll be here. Even if I don't feel like I can help you that much, I'll do my best. Edited November 26, 2017 by mintty
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