Is he being inconsiderate or am I overreacting?

[dovixit]

I've been dating a man exclusively since the end of September. We're both in our early 30's. In the beginning, like most men, he was pursuing very hard and we were both actively making plans with each other. Sometimes he'd initiate and other times I took the reigns. Well, we are about the 3 month mark and the pursuing seems to have slowed down. He still texts me very sweet things when we are not together which make it seem like he's still into me but his actions seem to suggest otherwise. We had been seeing each other once or twice a week up until recently. Now it seems like once every 2 weeks. I'm also taking into consideration that the holidays just passed.

 

The past two times we have tried to hang out he has bailed on me. The first time it happened, he had returned from vacation and was stressed from the work week that followed. When I asked him if he was going to reschedule, he rescheduled right away which was reassuring. We had a wonderful night together and I figured this was an isolated incident.

 

The second time happened recently during this past holiday. It has been almost 2 weeks since we saw last each other. I understand the holidays are a stressful time for everyone and because we're still somewhat new I don't know what his family gatherings are like. I can usually give people a pass during holidays and continue where we left off come Monday.

 

A few days before thanksgiving I had suggested we hang out this past weekend. He seemed down for it but no plans were made. However, the night before we were supposed to see each other, he wouldn't give me a concrete answer. Instead, his texts seemed erratic and out of nature. He was overly complimentary and flirty but would dodge my question. Felt like he was holding my time hostage. Come to find out the next day he was very drunk and had been drunk texting me. Too hungover to see me because he had been catching up with an old friend he hadn't seen in a while. He texted me early in the morning to cancel, but didn't reschedule right away. I asked him if he'd make it up to me which he said he would. I feel like I shouldn't have to ask again, and the onus should be on the one that cancels. We do have a weekend trip coming up this weekend but now I feel like things might be on the fence.

 

Am I overreacting this time around or is he being inconsiderate? I had to deal with this issue in my previous relationship and it was horrible. In the last few months, my ex and I were only seeing each other once every 2-3 weeks. Distance wasn't an issue, he just wasn't making time for me even though he'd still continue to text me nice things. I want to nip this behavior in the bud with the new guy next time we are together. But I'm not sure if I'm phrasing it correctly without being accusatory. Something like this? Please feel free to edit.

 

"Hey, I realize the holidays were crazy for both of us but I was really looking forward to seeing you. I was kind of disappointed when things fell through and at times I feel like my time isn't valuable to you. Case in point, our last conversation. I couldn't get a straight answer out of you. I had to deal with this issue from my last relationship and the communication barrier eventually became too big to overcome. I didn't feel wanted back then and it was a horrible feeling. However, I think it's a good thing I'm bringing this up with you because I want us to be able to talk about anything that bothers us. I'd like to start seeing each other at least once a week again. I feel more connected when we're together rather than when we text frequently. What do you think?" And then let him have his say.

[d0nnivain]

I don't have a problem with the conversation you seek to initiate. I think sending that by text is a gigantic mistake. You can't address emotionally laden intimacy / relationship issues without all the non-verbal cues available in face to face conversation. If you can't meet to discuss this major issue, there is nothing there.

[dovixit]

I don't have a problem with the conversation you seek to initiate. I think sending that by text is a gigantic mistake. You can't address emotionally laden intimacy / relationship issues without all the non-verbal cues available in face to face conversation. If you can't meet to discuss this major issue, there is nothing there.

 

Sorry I should have clarified. I will do this in person. I'm just wondering if I'm missing anything in my approach, or if I should just skip it all and tell him the last part about upping the frequency again.

[d0nnivain]

I'd start a little softer . . .

 

What's going on with you?

 

See what he says.

 

If he gives you a non-answer then you say you were disturbed by the last two date cancellations.

[GemmaUK]

He has recently and consistently become more erratic.

 

If you send words you will receive words in return, not necessarily action.

 

You already know his words are good (seemingly) but his actions are the issue.

 

The holidays are one thing but it seems as if you could have had the chance to meet up over the holiday weekend - at the very least he could have said 'I'm busy - the family expects me around 100%'

 

Send the text/mail and I think you will get words back.

You're also at a crucial time where the 'best foot forward' has to be used in order to move forward - or not.

 

If I were you I would take him down a few pegs on my priority list and see what he does.

I would not be expecting the trip and would be making other plans come Wednesday.

 

Wednesday, you have a deadline - see what he does before then. This is a fair and reasonable timeline.

Don't make much effort though. He has already shown that your time isn't terribly valuable to him. Don't be his text buddy between now and then either. Let him do the running. Texting is easy - he can do that - bless him!

He might pull his socks up but I have a feeling he won't.

You sound like you like him a lot - this is your optimal time to get realistic though, back off, see what he does - let him dig his own hole if he wants to.

 

Don't forget words aren't equal to actions - but you already know that.

You just need to colour your boundaries in in a nice colour is all, in pen, not pencil and you can do that with your own actions. They speak louder than your words.

[dovixit]

I'd start a little softer . . .

 

What's going on with you?

 

See what he says.

 

If he gives you a non-answer then you say you were disturbed by the last two date cancellations.

 

 

Ok thanks! I have a tendency to word vomit all of my feelings and realize that may throw the other person off if they aren't prepared for it.

[dovixit]

He has recently and consistently become more erratic.

 

If you send words you will receive words in return, not necessarily action.

 

You already know his words are good (seemingly) but his actions are the issue.

 

The holidays are one thing but it seems as if you could have had the chance to meet up over the holiday weekend - at the very least he could have said 'I'm busy - the family expects me around 100%'

 

Send the text/mail and I think you will get words back.

You're also at a crucial time where the 'best foot forward' has to be used in order to move forward - or not.

 

If I were you I would take him down a few pegs on my priority list and see what he does.

I would not be expecting the trip and would be making other plans come Wednesday.

 

Wednesday, you have a deadline - see what he does before then. This is a fair and reasonable timeline.

Don't make much effort though. He has already shown that your time isn't terribly valuable to him. Don't be his text buddy between now and then either. Let him do the running. Texting is easy - he can do that - bless him!

He might pull his socks up but I have a feeling he won't.

You sound like you like him a lot - this is your optimal time to get realistic though, back off, see what he does - let him dig his own hole if he wants to.

 

Don't forget words aren't equal to actions - but you already know that.

You just need to colour your boundaries in in a nice colour is all, in pen, not pencil and you can do that with your own actions. They speak louder than your words.

 

Correct. We could have possibly seen each other this weekend but he never got back to me. Usually he's pretty good about rescheduling even if it's not immediately apparent. We haven't gone more than 2 days without texting but I do feel like I've been the one to initiate dates lately. I thought we were at the point where I didn't have to worry about who texts first/makes plans etc.

 

However, as much as I miss him, I do agree that I shouldn't "reward" him for his behavior by checking in on him. That will only signal to him that his actions are acceptable to me when they are not. I just feel a bit silly because I told people close to me he was taking me on a mini vacation. They were excited for me as well. If he steps up like he says he will, then I think that will be a good time to bring up what's been on my mind. Let's see what his next move is.

[LoverOfDance]

@GemmaUK, I don't know if you read it but she said above that she will have the conversation face to face and not through text. I agree with your advice though.

 

OP - this is exactly what happened to me and the guy I dated. We ended up breaking up. I think you should take GemmaUK's advice and see what happens. Mirror his actions. Right now, you are acting like you really want the relationship and he is acting like he is unsure. Step back, distract yourself with other things. Right now, the relationship is slowly drowning and you're the only one trying to keep it afloat. Step back and leave things be. If he really wants the relationship, he will save it before it drowns. If not, then you'll move on.

[dovixit]

@GemmaUK, I don't know if you read it but she said above that she will have the conversation face to face and not through text. I agree with your advice though.

 

OP - this is exactly what happened to me and the guy I dated. We ended up breaking up. I think you should take GemmaUK's advice and see what happens. Mirror his actions. Right now, you are acting like you really want the relationship and he is acting like he is unsure. Step back, distract yourself with other things. Right now, the relationship is slowly drowning and you're the only one trying to keep it afloat. Step back and leave things be. If he really wants the relationship, he will save it before it drowns. If not, then you'll move on.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I will mirror his actions. Maybe it will give him time to miss me, maybe it won't. I could have wasted a day closing myself off to the world yesterday but I went out into the woods to reflect. I feel a little more grounded today. You're right, I seem to be far more invested lately and it's got me regressing. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. I just seem to fall into this pattern around the 3 month mark with guys where they get too comfortable. I sense this and try to put my best foot forward (not being clingy, just giving them space and telling them I'm around if they want to talk) only for them to pull away eventually. So you can probably see why I'm on a bit of high alert right now.

[smackie9]

You are wasting even more of your time "mirroring" or doing the hold back manipulation you want to do...that's what cowards do. You already barely see each other and there are no real conversations happening with those texts...so how is he going to miss you? He's not and it's pretty plain to see that. His actions speaks volumes.

 

A real honest conversation needs to happen because this is going down hill fast and I suspect he wants out. Either he is seeing someone else, or he's an alcoholic and his problem is starting to show itself, or he simply is trying to be a bad BF so you will give up and go away. So stop frittering around and get to it. A forward discussion isn't going to "push him away". He's already doing that...you will simply get some closure so you can stop investing into someone who really doesn't give a crap about your feelings.

 

IMO at 3 months and this is what it's gotten too....just dump the chump. Think about it. If your friend came to you with a BF that was doing the slow fade, what advice would you give her?

[kendahke]

You've been dating exclusively for two months--how long have you known him and how did you meet?

[Versacehottie]

Sorry I should have clarified. I will do this in person. I'm just wondering if I'm missing anything in my approach, or if I should just skip it all and tell him the last part about upping the frequency again.

 

ok better that it be in person. I personally don't like or would revise/delete bringing your past relationship into the discussion. It sounds like/is baggage. He should stand on and be judged by his own merits or faults. If you are sensitive or protective about these issues due to what you've learned in your past and think you are being reasonable about it (i think you are)--don't muddy it with talking about past, your hurts or ex-bfs. Just talk to him about what he did and how it makes you feel. I agree with the post below that says go softer too. Gotta let them be able to resurrect rather than dig their heels in--make sure you allow the "space" for them to fix it, do better rather than be scolded, in which most people will try to prove they are right or rebel against that.

 

Also I personally think that not saying anything but pulling away (you haven't been dating that long) but that when he tries to book time with you, then express your hesitation because of xyz. Call me a game player (some do when I say this stuff) but lots of times that works better. Guys seem to respond to action or non-action, less so to words. Also one way to show your time is valuable is not give it to him when he is not careful with it or be cautious about how you do. It's like child development stuff sometimes--sometimes even bad attention is attention that lets a guy know you are invested and care more than he does and know that you are on the hook and feels like nagging. good luck

[dovixit]

ok better that it be in person. I personally don't like or would revise/delete bringing your past relationship into the discussion. It sounds like/is baggage. He should stand on and be judged by his own merits or faults. If you are sensitive or protective about these issues due to what you've learned in your past and think you are being reasonable about it (i think you are)--don't muddy it with talking about past, your hurts or ex-bfs. Just talk to him about what he did and how it makes you feel. I agree with the post below that says go softer too. Gotta let them be able to resurrect rather than dig their heels in--make sure you allow the "space" for them to fix it, do better rather than be scolded, in which most people will try to prove they are right or rebel against that.

 

Also I personally think that not saying anything but pulling away (you haven't been dating that long) but that when he tries to book time with you, then express your hesitation because of xyz. Call me a game player (some do when I say this stuff) but lots of times that works better. Guys seem to respond to action or non-action, less so to words. Also one way to show your time is valuable is not give it to him when he is not careful with it or be cautious about how you do. It's like child development stuff sometimes--sometimes even bad attention is attention that lets a guy know you are invested and care more than he does and know that you are on the hook and feels like nagging. good luck

 

 

It's interesting that I'm getting two very different opinions. One is to wait and let him come to me. Another user mentioned to cut through the B.S. and just hash it out. I have spoken to him about a serious issue before and chose the latter. I used a delicate approach and it seemed to get my point across, even though it was a very sensitive subject for me. To be honest, I think it's still a sore spot for both of us. But we continued to text and he has continued to be complimentary.

 

I will approach it softly again and concentrate on his actions alone. You're right. Sometimes I want to give perspective on the issue by bringing up past transgressions (my ex), but maybe that isn't the best approach. I thought it would help him understand where I am coming from, but maybe it may do the opposite. I know if someone came at me guns blazing I would be get defensive as well.

 

I also agree guys are more action based and women can talk for hours on something about how it makes us feel. Sometimes I need to remind myself that we are two different people that probably have different ways of approaching issues. Me - wanting to tackle issues head on. Him - sitting and taking a more passive role and choosing his battles. I wonder at this point if he knows this is bothering me. He must sense something is up? To what degree, I'm not sure. I don't think men are that dense.

 

With my last ex, I fully expressed hesitation and called him out several times when he would sorta kinda make plans. He would nod as if he understood me, but the pattern of behavior never changed. I know putting my foot down might yield the same consequences and it's something I am reluctantly preparing for. When we last spoke he said he was thankful for me which makes it all the more harder.

[Versacehottie]

It's interesting that I'm getting two very different opinions. One is to wait and let him come to me. Another user mentioned to cut through the B.S. and just hash it out. I have spoken to him about a serious issue before and chose the latter. I used a delicate approach and it seemed to get my point across, even though it was a very sensitive subject for me. To be honest, I think it's still a sore spot for both of us. But we continued to text and he has continued to be complimentary.

 

I will approach it softly again and concentrate on his actions alone. You're right. Sometimes I want to give perspective on the issue by bringing up past transgressions (my ex), but maybe that isn't the best approach. I thought it would help him understand where I am coming from, but maybe it may do the opposite. I know if someone came at me guns blazing I would be get defensive as well.

 

I also agree guys are more action based and women can talk for hours on something about how it makes us feel. Sometimes I need to remind myself that we are two different people that probably have different ways of approaching issues. Me - wanting to tackle issues head on. Him - sitting and taking a more passive role and choosing his battles. I wonder at this point if he knows this is bothering me. He must sense something is up? To what degree, I'm not sure. I don't think men are that dense.

 

With my last ex, I fully expressed hesitation and called him out several times when he would sorta kinda make plans. He would nod as if he understood me, but the pattern of behavior never changed. I know putting my foot down might yield the same consequences and it's something I am reluctantly preparing for. When we last spoke he said he was thankful for me which makes it all the more harder.

 

lol well even my own post recommended both courses of action (talk to him/do action or non-action). But as I have bolded in your post above, you have used the talking method to no avail with your previous bf. Though to be fair to my point regarding not holding your current guy responsible for past bf's behavior, they are different people and not all guys are the same so maybe he will respond to a talk.

 

I think while in a relationship talking it out is the mature, balanced thing to attempt, which is, of course, why lots of people recommend that. It's the 'fair' thing to do to give a person a chance to correct whatever is going on or come up with a compromise. If you've already done that with this guy and it's at the beginning (as it is), i would try the action-oriented strategy.

 

I think where people see it as game-playing or retaliation is because they are viewing it from the perspective of still wanting the "end-goal", i.e. being with this guy and making a relationship work. I think I recommend it, especially at the beginning, because you have to not want a relationship with him MORE than wanting a relationship of mutual respect. There is no reason to behave as if you are "ALL-IN" or owe this guy a talk, wherein you are seen as the nag or stifler of fun, as if you are fully invested and deeply in a relationship. A person has to earn the right to be in your life. If he is wasting your time or being disrespectful about plans, then as someone who is not focused on an end goal of having this guy as your bf but only interested IF he shows you respect and his own investment along the way is the right attitude to take IMO. It is a shift of how you will view these decisions and balance out the power more.

 

A lot of guys will behave somewhat badly (fair to put your guy's behavior in this category--it's not horrible, he's just not that worried about the consequences) and worry about FIXING things later. In other words, he's gonna do what he's gonna do. IMO, creates a dynamic that you had in your past relationships and is common enough. Why then do some girls not have this behavior from their guys--often the very same guys who did it with the previous gf's? Because they don't accept it. Not in a freak out and tell him off way but just pull back and lose interest. I think almost everything in life is supply and demand, like economics, same with relationships between two. The balance gets upset when you push toward someone who hasn't lived up to what you expect from a relationship in an effort to hang on RATHER THAN pull back as it has become less interesting/appealing to you. I think the girls who get good behavior from their guys inherently understand that because they hold themselves in high regard--so they don't want a guy who isn't acting the way they want. They don't necessarily cut it off dramatically--you don't have enough info for that yet either--but pull back--the same way a guy does when he is fading a bit--guaranteed that is because he is not as sure that the person is where he wants to invest. Supply and demand. Reward good behavior to generate more of it, pull back from bad behavior.

 

I think the problem you are having is super common. If girls were less interested in getting to relationship status or having a relationship at any cost, i.e. keeping the focus there, it would be less common. This is what most guys do naturally. Take it step by step, focus on the day to day, see if it makes you happy. Also the best time to "correct" behavior is when he wants something from you (more time, the next date, etc), not when he is wavering. Anyway that's the perspective I come from in recommending that slightly higher than the talking alternative. But it's 70/30. A talk isn't bad. You just want to make sure you don't create that scolding dynamic. A lot of really cool and fun women end up as nags in an effort to hang onto badly-behaving bf's and then wonder why they are unhappy. It's not fun to become a person who has to reign someone in to keep them on their toes. He should be on his toes because you are worthy and in danger of escaping if he doesn't bring his best Good luck

[dovixit]

lol well even my own post recommended both courses of action (talk to him/do action or non-action). But as I have bolded in your post above, you have used the talking method to no avail with your previous bf. Though to be fair to my point regarding not holding your current guy responsible for past bf's behavior, they are different people and not all guys are the same so maybe he will respond to a talk.

 

I think while in a relationship talking it out is the mature, balanced thing to attempt, which is, of course, why lots of people recommend that. It's the 'fair' thing to do to give a person a chance to correct whatever is going on or come up with a compromise. If you've already done that with this guy and it's at the beginning (as it is), i would try the action-oriented strategy.

 

I think where people see it as game-playing or retaliation is because they are viewing it from the perspective of still wanting the "end-goal", i.e. being with this guy and making a relationship work. I think I recommend it, especially at the beginning, because you have to not want a relationship with him MORE than wanting a relationship of mutual respect. There is no reason to behave as if you are "ALL-IN" or owe this guy a talk, wherein you are seen as the nag or stifler of fun, as if you are fully invested and deeply in a relationship. A person has to earn the right to be in your life. If he is wasting your time or being disrespectful about plans, then as someone who is not focused on an end goal of having this guy as your bf but only interested IF he shows you respect and his own investment along the way is the right attitude to take IMO. It is a shift of how you will view these decisions and balance out the power more.

 

A lot of guys will behave somewhat badly (fair to put your guy's behavior in this category--it's not horrible, he's just not that worried about the consequences) and worry about FIXING things later. In other words, he's gonna do what he's gonna do. IMO, creates a dynamic that you had in your past relationships and is common enough. Why then do some girls not have this behavior from their guys--often the very same guys who did it with the previous gf's? Because they don't accept it. Not in a freak out and tell him off way but just pull back and lose interest. I think almost everything in life is supply and demand, like economics, same with relationships between two. The balance gets upset when you push toward someone who hasn't lived up to what you expect from a relationship in an effort to hang on RATHER THAN pull back as it has become less interesting/appealing to you. I think the girls who get good behavior from their guys inherently understand that because they hold themselves in high regard--so they don't want a guy who isn't acting the way they want. They don't necessarily cut it off dramatically--you don't have enough info for that yet either--but pull back--the same way a guy does when he is fading a bit--guaranteed that is because he is not as sure that the person is where he wants to invest. Supply and demand. Reward good behavior to generate more of it, pull back from bad behavior.

 

I think the problem you are having is super common. If girls were less interested in getting to relationship status or having a relationship at any cost, i.e. keeping the focus there, it would be less common. This is what most guys do naturally. Take it step by step, focus on the day to day, see if it makes you happy. Also the best time to "correct" behavior is when he wants something from you (more time, the next date, etc), not when he is wavering. Anyway that's the perspective I come from in recommending that slightly higher than the talking alternative. But it's 70/30. A talk isn't bad. You just want to make sure you don't create that scolding dynamic. A lot of really cool and fun women end up as nags in an effort to hang onto badly-behaving bf's and then wonder why they are unhappy. It's not fun to become a person who has to reign someone in to keep them on their toes. He should be on his toes because you are worthy and in danger of escaping if he doesn't bring his best Good luck

 

I think that's why it seems I'm rather stand off-ish during the first few dates. I'm vetting the guy to see if there is potential there, seeing if he's a worthwhile addition to my life. But the longer we are dating, the more potential I see and the more I invest. And it's not as if I invest in the beginning if the guy isn't reciprocating. I was actually on the fence with him until a few dates in and until recently, I didn't think I'd be in this position. What's important is, to remind myself to come from a place of abundance. This doesn't mean getting attention from other men, but rather filling my time with friends and activities separate from the actual relationship. Being my own person. Like you said, focus on the day to day and not and end goal. I'm not looking to fill the boyfriend role with just anyone that crosses my path and I have standards. But I'm still struggling with keeping long term vision in check, because as a woman I find we take others into consideration and how they may fit into our future goals. At least I know I do...

 

Right. In my previous relationship I let it slide BECAUSE I didn't want to be a nag. It ended up backfiring on me because it reinforced his bad behavior. Even when I thought I'd said all I needed to say and pulled back, he also pulled back so we were pretty much at a stale mate. Not exactly the most mature way to handle it and I should have ended it sooner rather than let it play out the way it did. I was hoping he'd realize the error of his ways, I guess. Never came, probably because he was the avoidant type and/or didn't like me enough. Now I'm trying to be that girl - that one that doesn't accept bad behavior. At the same time, I am also a fixer, just part of my upbringing. So while I can listen, I have the compulsion to fix things that aren't working instead of letting things fester. I do wonder if we both pull back, if we'll end up in stalemate. To be frank, this is the first "bad" behavior he's exhibited so setting the precedence here is pretty important regardless of what happens.

 

We did have a conversation about where things were headed and agreed to focus on the present. I don't think it's unfair to ask for things I need or want out of a relationship. It's not meant to be a ultimatum and sometimes I'm concerned it comes off that way. I'm trying to be assertive without being aggressive I guess. Of course at the end of the day I want us to want each other. There's no convincing someone of that - it's either there or it isn't.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's interesting that I'm getting two very different opinions. One is to wait and let him come to me. Another user mentioned to cut through the B.S. and just hash it out. I have spoken to him about a serious issue before and chose the latter. I used a delicate approach and it seemed to get my point across, even though it was a very sensitive subject for me. To be honest, I think it's still a sore spot for both of us. But we continued to text and he has continued to be complimentary.

 

I will approach it softly again and concentrate on his actions alone. You're right. Sometimes I want to give perspective on the issue by bringing up past transgressions (my ex), but maybe that isn't the best approach. I thought it would help him understand where I am coming from, but maybe it may do the opposite. I know if someone came at me guns blazing I would be get defensive as well.

 

Because of the bolded above I wouldn't speak to him about it at all. You said you used a delicate approach and it's still a sore spot for both of you. So ask yourself, "Did talking about it work?" Even if you believe it did work, it also seems to have created a sore spot. It's possible this could be part of the reason he's now pulling away.

 

Most men don't want a woman to mother them by telling or even suggesting in a delicate way how to behave. They love the chase and when a woman begins to require them to do something, the chase is over or at least gets less fun. They do best when inspired to chase a woman.

 

This is best accomplished by having your own passions, independently, that he may not be a part of. If he gets "busy" you then can throw yourself into those activities and when you next hear from him, it is obvious to him you haven't been sitting around waiting on him but have been enjoying life to the fullest in his absence!

 

In your place I'd mirror his behavior by pulling away myself. I don't consider this gamey, I consider it smart because if he's not protecting your emotions and making you feel desired, then you need to protect your emotions and not put yourself out there as one who expects him to be with you when he must be nudged or prompted to do so. It sounds to me as if he's trying to let you down easily by gradually fading out. If that's so then talking to him about it will most likely result in him wanting to see less of you, not more.

 

Imo, though I realize some women don't see it this way, it's wise to let a guy do all the initiating, texting, calling, planning of dates, etc., in a relationship until you get to the stage where he's telling you he loves you. That way you always know you're desired and he remains involved in "the chase" which guys seem to enjoy. So it's a win/win.

 

There are men who want the woman to be equally involved in initiating communication, planning dates, etc., and so it goes that if you don't do this you won't end up with those kinds of men. You will end up with guys who are pursuing you and liking it with you liking it, too.

[smackie9]

IMO if you are at a point where they are not treating you the way you want to be treated...it's kick to the curb time. Seriously...the chasing thing is over, he ain't gonna be doin that anymore no matter what you do. This is 3 months in, not 3 dates in.

[kendahke]

2nd attempt:

 

You've been dating exclusively for two months--how long have you known him and how did you meet?

[travelbug1996]

Its clear you're making him a priority and he's making you an option. Resolution- don't be an option. Its so simple.

 

He's comfortable and you can never let a man get too comfortable.

 

I wouldn't bother with a conversation since his actions are showing you're not at the top of his list. I would remove myself as an option.

 

Save your breath honey!

[dovixit]

Because of the bolded above I wouldn't speak to him about it at all. You said you used a delicate approach and it's still a sore spot for both of you. So ask yourself, "Did talking about it work?" Even if you believe it did work, it also seems to have created a sore spot. It's possible this could be part of the reason he's now pulling away.

Most men don't want a woman to mother them by telling or even suggesting in a delicate way how to behave. They love the chase and when a woman begins to require them to do something, the chase is over or at least gets less fun. They do best when inspired to chase a woman.

 

This is best accomplished by having your own passions, independently, that he may not be a part of. If he gets "busy" you then can throw yourself into those activities and when you next hear from him, it is obvious to him you haven't been sitting around waiting on him but have been enjoying life to the fullest in his absence!

 

In your place I'd mirror his behavior by pulling away myself. I don't consider this gamey, I consider it smart because if he's not protecting your emotions and making you feel desired, then you need to protect your emotions and not put yourself out there as one who expects him to be with you when he must be nudged or prompted to do so. It sounds to me as if he's trying to let you down easily by gradually fading out. If that's so then talking to him about it will most likely result in him wanting to see less of you, not more.

 

Imo, though I realize some women don't see it this way, it's wise to let a guy do all the initiating, texting, calling, planning of dates, etc., in a relationship until you get to the stage where he's telling you he loves you. That way you always know you're desired and he remains involved in "the chase" which guys seem to enjoy. So it's a win/win.

 

There are men who want the woman to be equally involved in initiating communication, planning dates, etc., and so it goes that if you don't do this you won't end up with those kinds of men. You will end up with guys who are pursuing you and liking it with you liking it, too.

 

I have no doubt our past conversation, at the very least, partly influenced his recent behavior. Not in texting, but his interest level in meeting up again. To be honest, I was concerned our past conversation could go either way. I believe we were on the same page when the conversation was over.

 

That's what I did after he cancelled. I felt a bit sorry for myself for a day, then threw myself into some studies and the outdoors. Self improvement and trying to find a sliver of mental clarity. At least for today.

 

IME whenever I bring up bad behaviors with guys I've dated, it's resulted in a change of dynamic in the relationship. Not sure if it's the type of guys I'm choosing or what. But you're right, I don't want to tell him to behave. Experience has just shown me it pushes them away more often than not. We're grown ass folk. Just need to state my wants and see whether his wants match mines. I'm definitely not one to sit back and let the guy initiate, because the way I see it, I want there to be equality in a relationship. Perhaps that disrupts whatever biological force men have to chase, I don't know. If I like someone, they don't have to guess how I feel. I show and tell.

[dovixit]

2nd attempt:

 

You've been dating exclusively for two months--how long have you known him and how did you meet?

 

Sorry! OLD.

[dovixit]

Its clear you're making him a priority and he's making you an option. Resolution- don't be an option. Its so simple.

 

He's comfortable and you can never let a man get too comfortable.

 

I wouldn't bother with a conversation since his actions are showing you're not at the top of his list. I would remove myself as an option.

 

Save your breath honey!

 

I totally see where you're coming from. I just hate the notion that we must always be keeping others on their toes. Too focused on the next move that we can't be comfortable in each other's presence. It's mentally draining for me.

[LoverOfDance]

As someone who has experienced this before, I absolutely agree with Versacehottie's advice.

 

You can talk all you want and he might listen and might even do what you want but his fading interest will eventually manifest itself in another way. I think you shouldn't aim to save the relationship. I think you should be more concerned with whether he's treating you the way you want to be treated or not. If you don't like what you are getting, step back and show him that you're not interested in what he is giving - it is not enough for you. If he really wants you, he will step up and put in more effort. If not, then you'll both go your separate ways.

[Versacehottie]

I do think either course of action could turn out fine (getting the guy and better behavior from him). There's no guarantee either way--going back to staying in the moment on a day to day basis. If it feels more right to talk to him, then do that. I think whatever you do has to come from a "genuine" place. Also if you choose to speak to him then yes absolutely do it from a place of what YOU want and how you see a happy, fulfilling relationship, in other words don't put him on the defense, judging him or say how things "should" be. Say what it is that he needs to do to make you happy (in the present, not due to past hurts). That is the strongest and most appealing way to speak to another person.

 

It's tempting to do everything with a guy from a strategic point of view. Part of why a lot of guys have it easier in a relationship is that they do conduct it from a place of what they want and have little regard for how that affects things strategically and are more in the present. It's more magnetic to conduct yourself like that. Whoa must be tired, not really making much sense but hopefully you get it. Good luck

[dovixit]

I do think either course of action could turn out fine (getting the guy and better behavior from him). There's no guarantee either way--going back to staying in the moment on a day to day basis. If it feels more right to talk to him, then do that. I think whatever you do has to come from a "genuine" place. Also if you choose to speak to him then yes absolutely do it from a place of what YOU want and how you see a happy, fulfilling relationship, in other words don't put him on the defense, judging him or say how things "should" be. Say what it is that he needs to do to make you happy (in the present, not due to past hurts). That is the strongest and most appealing way to speak to another person.

 

It's tempting to do everything with a guy from a strategic point of view. Part of why a lot of guys have it easier in a relationship is that they do conduct it from a place of what they want and have little regard for how that affects things strategically and are more in the present. It's more magnetic to conduct yourself like that. Whoa must be tired, not really making much sense but hopefully you get it. Good luck

 

You make perfect sense. Honestly, you and others here have been very helpful as I try to navigate the dating waters. It seems so counter-intuitive at times to operate from a place of what I want NOW. A guy will tell me he wants someone that is kind, understanding, down to earth - but when I am these things, they see you like a pushover. Instinctively I start to act out of a place of fear that I'm losing something, something that I probably never had to begin with. Too busy trying to figure how to re-ignite that desire, and not respecting myself enough that I'm more concerned with how the other person is. I even bought some items for the trip. Items I may have to return. Again, trying to be kind and understanding. Makes me think I get way too ahead of myself sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could date like a man, and compartmentalize sex and relationships. I realize that while he may be attracted to me (all the compliments), he may not respect me. And that's really eye opening.