Splitting the bill?

[AnnaN88]

AnnaN88 & RubySlippers

 

 

I find it odd that neither of you have ever paid for a date. I'm a middle aged woman. Granted I have been out of the dating market for 10 years but when I got back into it in . . . we'll say around 2004 & even back in college through the early '90s I paid for dates. Maybe not the 1st few but by the 3rd - 4th date I would feel guilty spending some guy's money without reciprocating. Are you two really saying you never treated a man you liked to a movie or dinner ever?

 

 

I mean I like to be treated as much as the next person but geesh. Even now, I always push the check at DH but more often then not before we went out I will have said to him I deposited $x into the checking account (the one tied to the debit card I expect he'll used to pay).

 

Of course I did, but never at the early stages, first or second date. I have never paid when I was invited somewhere either. I did pay for drinks, cinema ticket sometimes, but not when I was officially invited by a guy to a specific restaurant

[chinadiary]

AnnaN88 & RubySlippers

 

 

I find it odd that neither of you have ever paid for a date. I'm a middle aged woman. Granted I have been out of the dating market for 10 years but when I got back into it in . . . we'll say around 2004 & even back in college through the early '90s I paid for dates. Maybe not the 1st few but by the 3rd - 4th date I would feel guilty spending some guy's money without reciprocating. Are you two really saying you never treated a man you liked to a movie or dinner ever?

 

 

I mean I like to be treated as much as the next person but geesh. Even now, I always push the check at DH but more often then not before we went out I will have said to him I deposited $x into the checking account (the one tied to the debit card I expect he'll used to pay).

 

 

 

This! Thank you. Equality.

 

To avoid denting his ego, I would at times give my ex the cash and get him to pay the bill with it, but I always pay my share.

[smackie9]

This! Thank you. Equality.

 

To avoid denting his ego, I would at times give my ex the cash and get him to pay the bill with it, but I always pay my share.

Key words there is my share.

 

OP this guy is a d-bag. I have a feeling he doesn't make 6 figures, he's a dating con artist, getting a nice expensive meal and bottle of wine at half price.

 

One poster years ago got duped by one of these guys. Took her to an expensive restaurant, order 3 bottles of expensive wine, drank most of it, and he got tossed out. She was stuck with the bill. Was it an accident? NOT!

 

This date was no accident, this guy took you for a ride. He isn't expecting a 3rd date from you trust me.

[d0nnivain]

Of course I did, but never at the early stages, first or second date. I have never paid when I was invited somewhere either. I did pay for drinks, cinema ticket sometimes, but not when I was officially invited by a guy to a specific restaurant

 

 

OK. You both said never . . . . I took that to mean never ever. I agree that I have never paid when I was invited somewhere. I can't remember a 1st date where the guy so much as let me split the check, even though I always offered. I never wanted to appear like I expected to be treated (although I secretly did want to be treated) I also don't like being beholden to anyone, especially a man I hardly knew.

 

 

I did pay for the whole dinner & his drinks (I had soft drinks because I was driving) on my 1st OLD date but I chose to do that -- as in asked for the check while the guy was in the bathroom because the date was so bad that me paying was the fastest way to have it be over. It was worth every penny (plus my meal had been tasty)

 

 

The guy was crass to have to split the check when he drank the expensive bottle of wine & you didn't. If you had enjoyed the wine with him, I would tell you to be more open to financial equality in this new dating era but here it feels like he used you to be able to enjoy the wine at half price.

 

 

Next . . . .

[smackie9]

I myself, when I was dating 30 years ago had paid for first dates because I asked them out. I was that kind of woman...independent/ role bending/ tomboy personality, but still rocked it in a leather mini skirt and fish net stockings lol

[Shining One]

OP, one more question before I pass judgement. Can you describe how splitting the bill came about? Was it a case of the bill came, you offered to split and he accepted? Or did the bill arrive and he declared that you would be splitting it?

[AnnaN88]

OP, one more question before I pass judgement. Can you describe how splitting the bill came about? Was it a case of the bill came, you offered to split and he accepted? Or did the bill arrive and he declared that you would be splitting it?

 

So, the bill arrived much earlier than expected because the waitress advised us that the payment needs to be settled before midnight but the place closes at 1 am. So we did not ask for the bill as we were still eating. She came to us and said “ how do you want to pay?do you want to split?” The cheapskate replied“ yes, splitting is fine”. I did not have any reaction and just gave the waitress my card.

He continued eating and did not really acknowledge my expression.

After this he asked me if I was in the mood to go to a bar and have some drinks. I reminded him that I don’t drink alcohol and left.

[AnnaN88]

Key words there is my share.

 

OP this guy is a d-bag. I have a feeling he doesn't make 6 figures, he's a dating con artist, getting a nice expensive meal and bottle of wine at half price.

 

One poster years ago got duped by one of these guys. Took her to an expensive restaurant, order 3 bottles of expensive wine, drank most of it, and he got tossed out. She was stuck with the bill. Was it an accident? NOT!

 

This date was no accident, this guy took you for a ride. He isn't expecting a 3rd date from you trust me.

 

The story reminds me of my former landlady.

She went on a date to a very expensive restaurant, the occasion was her birthday, so the guy said he wanted to threat her, but in the end he decided to split the bill. She did not have enough money in her account so she got stuck in the restaurant being unable to pay.

I had to transfer some money so she could pay and leave the place ASAP.

[salparadise]

The guy was crass to have to split the check when he drank the expensive bottle of wine & you didn't. If you had enjoyed the wine with him, I would tell you to be more open to financial equality in this new dating era...

 

...but here it feels like he used you to be able to enjoy the wine at half price.

 

 

 

I agree that because she didn't drink the expensive wine he should not have split the check... but let's take a look at that last part, reverse the genders, and see what we have.

 

Let's say a man is looking for a relationship/girlfriend and he goes on a whole series of first dates, none of which lead to second or third dates, but these are "old school" women and they expect him to pay, so he does rather than make it an issue. Of course, to them it would be completely free. Would the same conclusion not hold true in term of how it feels?

 

I keep trying to find an analogy or illustration that make the point perfectly clear and rational, but the old schoolers just keep saying that they feel entitled to feel entitled... while the other half pays double every damn time... for something they don't consume, and often resulting in nothing more than giving her an opportunity to reject him.

Edited November 27, 2017 by salparadise

[healing light]

I know you were caught off guard, but in the future if someone says splitting is fine without your input and they had a way more expensive meal, I would insist on a separate check. I think people are very aware when they do this (I've seen this happen a lot in groups, too, with the same people and my former stepbrother would always do this to my former step-dad--drink everyone under the table and magically "forget" his wallet or hardly contribute/offer to split). I see it as selfish and inconsiderate at best, so I would not be inclined to give the man another date.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that because she didn't drink the expensive wine he should not have split the check... but let's take a look at that last part, reverse the genders, and see what we have.

 

Let's say a man is looking for a relationship/girlfriend and he goes on a whole series of first dates, none of which lead to second or third dates, but these are "old school" women and they expect him to pay, so he does rather than make it an issue. Of course, to them it would be completely free. Would the same conclusion not hold true in term of how it feels?

 

I keep trying to find an analogy or illustration that make the point perfectly clear and rational, but the old schoolers just keep saying that they feel entitled to feel entitled... while the other half pays double every damn time... for something they don't consume, and often resulting in nothing more than giving her an opportunity to reject him.

 

One drink . . . even an expensive one . . . is one thing. A whole bottle of wine that's where it seems problematic to me. It also has to do with who picked the venue & who consumed the order.

 

When my husband was on OLD he told me that often women would suggest very expensive restaurants for the 1st date & they would also hint that they expected him to buy dinner. He avoided those women because they were like the guy in OP's post -- just looking for a subsidy

 

But if a man asks a woman to meet him for a drink at XYZ location the asker should expect to pay. If the woman asks, she should expect to pay. To split the check based on consumption is also acceptable. The OP's date was on a whole other plain.

[smackie9]

If a man asks me out for an expensive dinner...I said "asks", I would be under the assumption he is treating me to a nice dinner date. Movie and popcorn/casual date IMO would be a type of date you would go dutch.

[AnnaN88]

One drink . . . even an expensive one . . . is one thing. A whole bottle of wine that's where it seems problematic to me. It also has to do with who picked the venue & who consumed the order.

 

When my husband was on OLD he told me that often women would suggest very expensive restaurants for the 1st date & they would also hint that they expected him to buy dinner. He avoided those women because they were like the guy in OP's post -- just looking for a subsidy

 

But if a man asks a woman to meet him for a drink at XYZ location the asker should expect to pay. If the woman asks, she should expect to pay. To split the check based on consumption is also acceptable. The OP's date was on a whole other plain.

 

I completely agree. In my case the guy asked me out, he booked the place without even telling me which restaurant it was. We met at the station and from there we walked to the location.

I did not choose an expensive place, I don’t think that this counts at all. If I like a guy I wouldn’t mind if we eat a sandwich in the park.

The problem with the men that go for expensive restaurants in order to impress a woman is that they think that a fancy Michelin star restaurant is the guarantee for getting laid. Well it is not.

Anyway I am done with this guy. He is free to find a woman happy to sponsor his dinners.

[BluEyeL]

Don't go on a second date with this guy, he is bad news. He didn't even care how he comes across. I don't care about what everyone else says and about the debate on who should pay, a man should pay for the first date and you can reciprocate later.

 

I am old school, and I did expect men to pay for first dates, although I always offered and I let the guy choose the place. But if he took my money he could also take a hike as it shows how much he's not trying to impress me. Men who were into me, always paid. Unheard of is for a guy to expect me to pay for the drinks he had.

 

And btw I never "came across" as a gold digger, because I never informed the dudes about my expectation. I offered to pay, but if he took the money was nexted. I only insisted to pay if I didn't like the guy, in that case I never let him pay.

[No_Go]

Out of curiosity, why do you think it is a bad thing if the guy excepts to split the bill, especially considering you offered?

 

I can see it may be taken as a way to impress a woman, but paying on a date is not the only way to impress, neither is a requirement IMO, especially if the woman is significantly wealthier.

 

Don't go on a second date with this guy, he is bad news. He didn't even care how he comes across. I don't care about what everyone else says and about the debate on who should pay, a man should pay for the first date and you can reciprocate later.

 

I am old school, and I did expect men to pay for first dates, although I always offered and I let the guy choose the place. But if he took my money he could also take a hike as it shows how much he's not trying to impress me. Men who were into me, always paid. Unheard of is for a guy to expect me to pay for the drinks he had.

 

And btw I never "came across" as a gold digger, because I never informed the dudes about my expectation. I offered to pay, but if he took the money was nexted. I only insisted to pay if I didn't like the guy, in that case I never let him pay.

[Shining One]

I agree with the majority of other posters. He was inconsiderate at best. Unfortunately, the world is full of people who take disproportionally to what they give. Your experience reminded me of one of my second dates a while back. We went to a place where my date consumed three martinis at $30 each as well as two small appetizers. When the rather large bill arrived, she didn't even look at her purse, despite 80% or so of it being items she consumed. I didn't say anything and just paid for it.

 

Just as that was an expensive lesson for me, this was an expensive lesson for you. I should have said something at the time, but didn't. Hopefully, if you find yourself in this situation again (which I hope you don't), you'll be able to speak up.

[Shining One]

Don't go on a second date with this guy, he is bad news. He didn't even care how he comes across. I don't care about what everyone else says and about the debate on who should pay, a man should pay for the first date and you can reciprocate later.

 

I am old school, and I did expect men to pay for first dates

Per the OP, this was the second date. He did pay for the first date, which was admittedly much cheaper.

I had a second date with a guy that I met online.

The first date was in a coffee shop. I offered to pay for my coffee but he paid for both in advance.

I'm not condoning his actions on the second date though.