nolove126 Posted November 25, 2017 Posted November 25, 2017 (edited) Hey all, new to the forum here. Never thought I would end up here but I've had been having a hard time coping this second time around. I am 35 M, shes 34 F. We've met 20 years ago through my good friend from the SF Bay Area. We use to chat on AOL all the time. We lost touch after we both went to college pursuing our careers. But recently, we reconnected last January (2016) via Facebook and started chatting every day, LDR I am 2 hrs away. By the end of the month, she came over and things started to take off from there. We used to see each other almost every weekend, met each others friends/family. She asked me to be her bf after 2 months. We've dated for 6 months before she broke it off the first time. It was intense, so much chemistry and physical attraction, never knew we would come around from being friends to dating, hooking up and being so compatible with each other. We even took a trip out to Cayman Islands together which was unbelievable and that's when I realized I started to really fall in love with her (something I hold back often) Throughout the 6 months though, I know I have done and said things to upset her. She said I was needy, clingy, etc...She has a social circle of friends she hangs out with that are both guys/girls, mine being mainly guys. I would sometimes become jealous and come flying off the handle when I hear her hanging out with guy friends, since I'm 2 hrs away, it makes it that much harder. I haven't met those people mind you. That has been an issue in which we both sat down and talked about it face to face a couple times. I started to become better but it seemed as though her patience ran out by June/July. So she broke it off and I was devastated of course. My heart was broken into a million pieces. A few months passed and I started to date someone else just so I can move on from her. Then this January, she reached back out to me giving it another go. While we were broken up, I did a lot of reflecting and realized that it was my needy behavior that turned her off. I've read a lot of self help books to try to diagnose my issue (she's not perfect either, more on that later). I realized that I did indeed act weak and needy which is a turn off to all women, let alone her, someone who's really strong willed and resilient. She's a lawyer by the way. I'm an engineer. This second time around, I've held back a lot, waiting for her to reach out to me first, not trying to question where shes going and who shes with (shes really friendly, bubbly/quirky/flirty personality). I stopped blowing up her phone, basically letting her come to me at her own pace. It worked out better than the first time. But this time, we only saw each other twice a month, every other week to be exact. That didn't sit well with me because to me, that is not a relationship. Also, we don't talk on the phone, just text throughout the day. In order to not be classified as needy, I didn't say a word about it and went along with it. Then, around April, I texted her one night only to find out she was out having dessert with a guy friend on a Friday night at 11pm. I confronted her but she claimed it was just a friend from high school that came to visit. Regardless, I was upset because I felt that by definition, she was on a date. You would think that she would respect me enough to let me know, versus tip toeing around me, regardless if it was indeed a long time friend or not. I wouldn't have known this if I didn't text her. Who knows how many more meet ups, dinners, etc she had with guy friends behind my back. She never mentions them this time around as we both know it was a sensitive subject (she wouldn't give up that lifestyle for no one) Things seem to go well after that, we continued to text daily and saw each other every other weekend. Then I started to notice she started slipping away around July/August. Our conversation stalled and she just didn't seem to be as receptive to my jokes, questions etc. She claimed she's always busy at work. Things got so bad for me, that one time I couldn't take the silence anymore and asked if shes talking to someone else on the side. She immediately got upset and blew up on me. We didn't text for 3 days until I reached back out. Fast forward a month (two weeks ago), she texted me "can we talk" and I knew it couldn't be good. So she broke up with me again saying that she can't do it anymore and that she tried so hard (doing what?) to make this work but it just doesn't seem like it'll work. I knew that this was coming a while back when I sensed she was slipping away. We even made plans back in June (and paid for) for a trip to go to Turks and Caicos Island this week which well, it didn't happen, however she's nice enough to go by herself (so she says). One week later, I gave all her things back and said our goodbyes. This time it appears as though that it is final, she wasn't receptive or opened up to me at all or showed any signs of wanting to work/talk it out. Thing is, she's can be pretty self centered/selfish at times. Maybe even a little narcissistic. I am not perfect either, I have things I need to keep working on, I am not sure that our differences warrant a break up? Can't we work things out? So now shes at Turks by herself, god knows what she is doing, while I'm at home by myself trying to piece myself back together again. I go to the gym and work out, hanging out with friends and family just so I can try and get her off my mind, but it is so hard. I mustve lost about 15 pounds from not eating and everyone can tell that I have lost a lot of weight. Every morning I wake up the first thing I notice is my heart literally in pain, feels like it has been ripped out and flipped inside out. I have to rub my chest for a few minutes before I can get up. I try and hold in my tears in front of friends and family, they know I have been going thru so they are trying their best to cheer me up. I really love her and still want to work things out. I really feel that she is the one for me and even contemplated proposing to her. I am doing NC right now trying to heal and move on. Do you think she would ever contact me again regretting her decision? Is she hurting at all? What is on her mind? Can she be talking to someone else? Was my intuition correct? I would like to hear your experiences (especially the girls) and sorry for the long post, I just have to let it all out. Thanks.. Edited November 25, 2017 by nolove126
CC12 Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 It sounds like you two have some pretty fundamental incompatibilities. She's "really friendly, bubbly/quirky/flirty" and you're kind of insecure and jealous. And maybe a little paranoid. I don't think this relationship can work unless one of you completely changes their personality. That wouldn't be fair to ask of either of you to do for this relationship, though. And you actually seem to really resent her. The way you talk about her here sounds like you may even really dislike her. And you accuse her of being with other dudes, like, a lot. Can you imagine how it would feel to be on the receiving end of accusations that you're unfaithful all the time? It would get really tiring. I mean, just in this one post you alluded to/accused her of sneaking around with guys a number of times. Examples: Who knows how many more meet ups, dinners, etc she had with guy friends behind my back. she just didn't seem to be as receptive [...] I couldn't take the silence anymore and asked if shes talking to someone else on the side. trip to go to Turks and Caicos Island this week which well, it didn't happen, however she's nice enough to go by herself (so she says). So now shes at Turks by herself, god knows what she is doing It must be tiresome for both of you. Be with someone who you trust. If you find yourself not being able to trust anyone, then the problem lies with you. Figure out how to fix it.
d0nnivain Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 Despite your long time friendship you two were not a compatible couple. She is an extroverted bubbly person with lots of friends & you can't handle that. You are a one woman man who expects that his GF will think & act like him -- stays home & only socializes with him. She called that needy & broke up with you over that once but because she recognized you as a fundamentally good guy, she tried again. This time you tried to let her set the pace but you were basically miserable. Your needs were not getting met; you didn't see her often enough & you still resented her lifestyle. She may feel bad because you two had some connection for 20+ years but she doesn't regret her decision to stop dating you. She recognized it for what it was --- something that wasn't working for either of you. I don't think she was cheating on you -- but one on one dessert out at 11 pm with an opposite sex friend is not the same thing as coffee in a brightly lit place at 11 a.m. As the bright bubbly person you describe, of course she's talking to someone else already. It is who she is. You need to find a woman who lives closer to you who shares your view of relationship behaviors. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 I seriously doubt you will, in the short term anyway, get past your insecurities. She was right to break-up with you. You two are too different to make a lasting relationship. I know that these things can happen, two different people, but you are openly and negatively distrustful and insecure. This will affect your future relationships, so you need to have worked on this immediately after your first break up. She knows how and who you are, so second time around is less frequent and likely only until she finds someone more stable and confident.
Been Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 Without reaching I would say she is self centered. And your gut was telling you something was wrong and that is what was driving you crazy. All the women that I've ever dated who had alot of "guy" friends it didn't end well. The "guy" friends were either were orbiters or somehow ex's. It was like they were lying in wait for us to fail or something to go wrong. And from experience I will tell you that most women who have a lot more "guy" friends then women friends is because women can very quickly pick up how another woman really is.
Buriall Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 (edited) Cut your losses and move on buddy. Don't go back to that girl, broken up twice already it just won't work.. You can't force love it's either there or it isn't... Edited November 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
Highndry Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 This doesn't sound like a strong relationship at all. You barely saw each other and the communication was poor. You don't seem like a match at all. She dumped you twice and there's no recovering from that. Even if she wanted you back a third time, she will have zero respect for you because she knows she can do whatever she wants and you're like a lost puppy waiting for her. Do yourself a favor and move on from her. She doesn't sound like she was ever that into you anyway, and I'm sure you can do better. I'm not even convinced you loved her as much as you say, I think it could be that you were in love with an idea.
Author nolove126 Posted November 26, 2017 Author Posted November 26, 2017 Despite your long time friendship you two were not a compatible couple. She is an extroverted bubbly person with lots of friends & you can't handle that. You are a one woman man who expects that his GF will think & act like him -- stays home & only socializes with him. She called that needy & broke up with you over that once but because she recognized you as a fundamentally good guy, she tried again. This time you tried to let her set the pace but you were basically miserable. Your needs were not getting met; you didn't see her often enough & you still resented her lifestyle. She may feel bad because you two had some connection for 20+ years but she doesn't regret her decision to stop dating you. She recognized it for what it was --- something that wasn't working for either of you. I don't think she was cheating on you -- but one on one dessert out at 11 pm with an opposite sex friend is not the same thing as coffee in a brightly lit place at 11 a.m. As the bright bubbly person you describe, of course she's talking to someone else already. It is who she is. You need to find a woman who lives closer to you who shares your view of relationship behaviors. I agree, thanks for the input. There were certainly red flags as I could not understand why she would see me only twice a month. Wouldn't you think that if you were head over heels in love that you'd want to spend more than every other weekend with that person? I felt more like a back up than anything, but if I was to make a comment about it, she would say that I am needy. Now I am starting to see that she really wasn't that into me. Maybe that is why she began to withhold her whereabouts as she knew things will end anyways, so instead of causing any further arguments, she rather just not say thing about them, while waiting for the right moment to let things go.
Author nolove126 Posted November 26, 2017 Author Posted November 26, 2017 I seriously doubt you will, in the short term anyway, get past your insecurities. She was right to break-up with you. You two are too different to make a lasting relationship. I know that these things can happen, two different people, but you are openly and negatively distrustful and insecure. This will affect your future relationships, so you need to have worked on this immediately after your first break up. She knows how and who you are, so second time around is less frequent and likely only until she finds someone more stable and confident. The more I think about it, the more I think you're right. I doubt she will reach out to me. She said she will refund me my half of the money, after she returns. But she insisted shes trying to get back as much money as she can by cancelling the rental car etc...I would be pretty upset if I get anything less than the half I paid. Again, to me thats another indicator of how selfish she is (I'm still going on the vacation, I will pay you when I get back, I pay you as much back as I can rather than doing whats right) At least that is my take on it. I personally do not care about the money, even if I got it back, I rather burn it to keep me warm for a minute or two this winter rather than have her benefit from it.
Author nolove126 Posted November 26, 2017 Author Posted November 26, 2017 Without reaching I would say she is self centered. And your gut was telling you something was wrong and that is what was driving you crazy. All the women that I've ever dated who had alot of "guy" friends it didn't end well. The "guy" friends were either were orbiters or somehow ex's. It was like they were lying in wait for us to fail or something to go wrong. And from experience I will tell you that most women who have a lot more "guy" friends then women friends is because women can very quickly pick up how another woman really is. I always had suspicions, I trust my instincts and gut and it tells me she could be dishonest and bend the truth a little, she does study law, so they love to mince words up. On the flip side, it could be my insecurity as well. I would always give her the benefit of the doubt though no matter what, because I care about her. You are absolutely right about her having male orbiters. Most women have them and they tell you they are just friends. Sometimes they might even try to talk to her and convince her to leave me to be better off (so they can get a chance) But as soon as they find out shes single, they try to swoop in. Such good friends....
Author nolove126 Posted November 26, 2017 Author Posted November 26, 2017 This doesn't sound like a strong relationship at all. You barely saw each other and the communication was poor. You don't seem like a match at all. She dumped you twice and there's no recovering from that. Even if she wanted you back a third time, she will have zero respect for you because she knows she can do whatever she wants and you're like a lost puppy waiting for her. Do yourself a favor and move on from her. She doesn't sound like she was ever that into you anyway, and I'm sure you can do better. I'm not even convinced you loved her as much as you say, I think it could be that you were in love with an idea. It didn't feel like a strong one. Communication was really poor the second time around. The first time around, she told me everything about her day, where she was, how her day was, what she ate for lunch, dinner etc. Second time she felt as though she was "reporting" to me. Which really irritated me. Its not much so reporting, I was just genuinely curious what shes up to that was it. I am 2 hrs away and can't read her mind. Yet she never could get over it.
Author nolove126 Posted November 26, 2017 Author Posted November 26, 2017 It sounds like you two have some pretty fundamental incompatibilities. She's "really friendly, bubbly/quirky/flirty" and you're kind of insecure and jealous. And maybe a little paranoid. I don't think this relationship can work unless one of you completely changes their personality. That wouldn't be fair to ask of either of you to do for this relationship, though. And you actually seem to really resent her. The way you talk about her here sounds like you may even really dislike her. And you accuse her of being with other dudes, like, a lot. Can you imagine how it would feel to be on the receiving end of accusations that you're unfaithful all the time? It would get really tiring. I mean, just in this one post you alluded to/accused her of sneaking around with guys a number of times. Examples: It must be tiresome for both of you. Be with someone who you trust. If you find yourself not being able to trust anyone, then the problem lies with you. Figure out how to fix it. I could tell she was getting annoyed very easily the second time around. I know it is a weakness I have and I need to work on that. But it really takes two I think. It would have been nice if she gave me some reassurance by just simply letting me know what shes up to and with who. I do the same for her, because I respect her and didn't want her to think anything of it, especially when I hang out with my friends. I understand that I've done things and said things to make her feel not safe and secure with me. I admit it, but I think she needs to realize that she is not perfect either. It's all about give and take. When she returns from the trip, should I contact her about the trip refund? I really do not want to contact her any more. The more feedback I get back from you guys/gals, I more F'd up I think this whole relationship was. I don't want to be that puppy dog that sits and waits for her, I have more self respect than that. However, I do want to work things out, but at the same time if someone else better comes along, I won't be holding my breath.
d0nnivain Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 Which do you want more: Never to speak to her again or get entangled with a lawyer over getting money back for the trip? You probably should have spoken up about the financial issues before she went. Unless you have something in writing, she can claim your share was a gift. If she has any class she will give you your money back but I wouldn't count on it. You may have better luck with the airline although the bets they are going to do is a credit after deducting at least $200 for a "change" fee & even now, after the fact, you may not get that.
Author nolove126 Posted November 26, 2017 Author Posted November 26, 2017 Ideally, I want us to talk and work things out but I doubt that will happen. She said she will wire me money after she returns. But like you said, d0nnivain, you would think that by having class she would just wire me the money and be done with it once and for all and will never want to deal with me again. Why wait till after the trip? I just don't get it. If I was in her shoes, I would say here's the $ take care. Regardless what is done is done. I want to focus on NC so I can heal from all this. I'm still open to dialogue if somehow, all the stars align and she wants to reconcile but it will take alot for her to convince me to take her back. Not only will I need to improve on my insecurities I have with her, she will need to reflect on herself and fix the quirks that she has also.
manfrombelow2 Posted November 29, 2017 Posted November 29, 2017 First off, I am terribly sorry to hear you have went thru two heartbreaks with the same one, I could only imagine how painful it must have felt for you. Secondly, while I agree that you two seem to be so incompatible (introvert vs extrovert), I believe the main problem was in the fact that you acted too clingy and needy, which is a major turnoff to all women. Women are emotional creatures, so as long as they feel attracted to you, you are their boss, but once they sense that you lost your "cool," you will be out of the picture quicker than you can spell "what the ****". I recommend you watch this video: https://www.themodernman.com/blog/the-good-girl-switch.html Best of lucks,
FreshEng Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 Hey NoLove, I'm going through the exact same situation as you are in a break up where it seems like your ex-girlfriend and mine are more of the free spirited person, whereas you and I have more attached and invested philosophy towards dating/courting. Would you mind talking to me later just to share some thoughts? FreshEng
Author nolove126 Posted December 3, 2017 Author Posted December 3, 2017 Hi Fresh Sure no problem. Let me know if you want to discuss it here or private message. I’m ok either way. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Alamo657 Posted December 3, 2017 Posted December 3, 2017 You're not clingy or needy . These catch words are designed to target people expecting loyalty and monogamy as mentally deficient, and are often used by polygamic personalities to justify their own set of problems. Are you needy when your needs are met ? No. It's true however that you two will never mesh with each others. She wants to maximize her social and sexual opportunities. You want a committed and exclusive relationship. Move on.
Author nolove126 Posted December 7, 2017 Author Posted December 7, 2017 You're not clingy or needy . These catch words are designed to target people expecting loyalty and monogamy as mentally deficient, and are often used by polygamic personalities to justify their own set of problems. Are you needy when your needs are met ? No. It's true however that you two will never mesh with each others. She wants to maximize her social and sexual opportunities. You want a committed and exclusive relationship. Move on. Thanks for the reply. There were times when I actually questioned myself whether I am needy or clingy. I was the first time moreso I have to admit. But this second time around I let her come to me at her own pace. I’ve always let her initiate the conversation first because I didn’t want that label. But seeing each other twice a month just didn’t work for me. On top of that we don’t call each other. 90% of the communication was via text. I would suggest meeting for lunch as I didn’t mind driving out two hours to see her but her response usually was no it’s ok it’s too far of a drive for you. Seriously? All these were red flags that her interest was going down. I could be wrong. Maybe she was just very caring and didn’t want me to go thru all that trouble just for lunch. Who knows. I agree that we don’t mesh 100%. But we had our good times too. It’s just unfortunate that she focuses on all the negatives as oppose to the positives.
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