KarinaMV123 Posted November 25, 2017 Posted November 25, 2017 Hello, hoping for some outsiders perspectives. Honestly feeling a little hopeless. Have been in a relationship for over 2 years and all is great. Up until this week was feeling closer than ever to my boyfriend. When I try to express something bothering me, my boyfriend acts very annoyed and blows up, ends up ignoring me for 1-5 days at a time. I've asked him to stop and explained how my father did this all my life and seems like a manipulative/controlling tactic so it does hurt a lot... that doesn't seem to work. Understand that taking a day or two to calm down is needed as everyone deals with things differently. Also, in the past I would blow up his phone during/after arguments, raise my voice, just let emotions take over. I know, that was very wrong so makes sense why he would take days to himself. Over these last few months have been reading up about becoming a better communicator as I never really learned how. So now I'm always aware of my tone, word choice, etc cause I do want to be better and grow as a person. Have always had a tendency of focusing on the negative, having reasons to keep my guard up. But now I constantly try to keep in mind all the positives (without making excuses for each other's behavior). We spend almost all days off together, planning trips frequently. We have kind of grown up, become more well-rounded individuals, as cheesy as that sounds. But the relationship has still been a challenge as we both struggle with communication/trust. He also struggled with alcoholism earlier this year which is a struggle every day but we're getting through it, has been months since he has drank. There have been times I ask myself "why is this so hard?" Or "why do I feel so annoying/hard to love?" (Have heard if these thoughts cross ones mind it may mean you are not asking for too much you are just with the wrong person) Then there are other times I feel everything is happening so natirally and easily, we get along so well, I can definitely see this continuing in the long run. This feeling has been very strong lately as we both have issues but have shown how much we try to recognize our faults and change them. I just love my boyfriend so much, we have come a long way. I have always been a huge over-thinker so have gotten better at "picking my fights" because sometimes it's okay to drop the small things. Am just wondering if I need to put my foot down and say I will not continue this relationship if you continue to ignore me after every time I say or react the way you don't like. Ultimatums are not good so unsure about this. Please help. Honesty and any advice will be appreciated.
smackie9 Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 You both need to go to couples counseling. There is no way you will find an easy quick answer to your issues here....with a therapist, they will get both perspectives to understand what is truly going on with the both of you. You both have a lot to work through together, and the only way to do that is to have regular counseling sessions.
kailah Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 The way I see it you have 3 options... 1) Come to the realization that this is not a healthy relationship and end it. 2) Decide you want to try and salvage the relationship, and start couples therapy at least once a week. 3) Do nothing and stay as you are in a dysfunctional relationship that won't get better and will likely get worse. The last option shouldn't be on your list. From what you wrote, you don't sound compatible with each other and it sounds like you both need to do work on yourselves before getting into another relationship. There is nothing wrong with that! You can't start a healthy relationship if you aren't in a healthy place yourself. Individual counselling would be a great tool for yourself, and your partner. If you want to put in the effort to fix the relationship, understand that it will be very hard and will not succeed if your partner is not willing to put in the effort as well. You both need to be giving it 100% effort, one person cannot do it all. If he is not willing to put in the months or years of hard work required, then you have your answer. Ultimatums are not a bad thing, in this situation it is the healthiest option.
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