Mismatched career goals - a dealbreaker?

[Mystyry]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about eight months. It's a good and loving relationship, even if still early stages. We even discussed potential future together in very general terms.

 

My dilemma is that I am a very career oriented person. I worked hard to put myself through college and graduate school and in my early 30s I am quite successful in my field. I know very well even now how I would ideally want my career to unfold, but continuously am looking for new learning, new paths, etc.

 

My boyfriend is much more laid back. He is intelligent and he too put himself through school and earned a Ph.D. He hasn't worked a day in his field though, because it doesn't interest him, which he realized mid-way through, though yet finished it still, as his family expected him to. He has family money, so never really needed to work. He doesn't have many interests or anything that he would like to work on, make a profession or even a hobby of. He watches TV, is active on social media and plays computer games all day long. We don't have much in common to discuss professionally, though we find many other facets to connect on.

 

Yet, that bothers me. Career is such an important part of my life. When I have work-related frustrations, or dilemmas, or things to ponder, he can neither understand why I am bothered by particular situations, nor offer any feedback, because he has never had to deal with any of this and work anywhere, other than high school and college jobs he held for "experience". I would like for my partner to have some ambition, some passion - doesn't necessarily matter what it is. He can decide to go be an unpaid volunteer for a non-profit, as long as that is something he is passionate about.

 

We discussed that this is important to me, and every time we do, he promises to spend more time thinking about his life goals. He says he wants to find something he is passionate about, that he isn't just saying it in response to my asking him. He just hasn't yet. I have seen no progress and that is beginning to affect my attraction for him quite significantly. I worry this feeling will only strengthen.

 

I want to ground myself here, so my question is... If you are a career-oriented person, would this bother you? Is it worth pushing the matter in an otherwise good relationship or does this have a potential to become a much bigger deal down the line? Any feedback would be appreciated.

[Gr8fuln2020]

We discussed that this is important to me, and every time we do, he promises to spend more time thinking about his life goals. He says he wants to find something he is passionate about, that he isn't just saying it in response to my asking him. He just hasn't yet. I have seen no progress and that is beginning to affect my attraction for him quite significantly. I worry this feeling will only strengthen.

 

You two are not compatible. You have discussed and seen NO PROGRESS. I would suggest to you that he will not be making any more progress unless fire is under his bottom, if ever.

 

As true as it is that we all want to do what we are passionate about, it is also true that there are stepping stones that need to be tread upon before reaching that point. If he is not even making an effort to make such progress, he is not as ambitious as you would like. Too many people (esp. men) make excuses and this is often times exacerbated when the woman is the one enabling and supporting w/o consequences.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, this would very much bother me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yes, this would very much bother me.

 

Oops, didn't answer your question OP.

 

I'm with CautiouslyOptimistic. This would be a serious deal breaker and especially when you are at the beginning stages of building up a relationship, foundation for the future.

[LurkerXX]

Now, I never have dealt with starvation, or had to deal with unclean water, or anything really grueling, I realize I have been in many ways among the lucky who have been on this Earth.

 

But I have had to work my tail off in order to both take care of serious health issues and keep a roof over my head, at times. So having gained access to post-secondary education, I still feel a bit a part of two different worlds at times.

 

I would be in part worried with such a situation, where someone cannot have a little grit and work on a plan, whether labor of love or necessity, that they would not be able to do it in the future if needed. Not just financially, but following through with dealing with care-giving of parents, or raising children.

 

And, even realizing that this may say something about me that may not be entirely pleasant, I am also fairly sure that I would grow to resent it.

[Mystyry]

I would suggest to you that he will not be making any more progress unless fire is under his bottom, if ever.

 

Too many people (esp. men) make excuses and this is often times exacerbated when the woman is the one enabling and supporting w/o consequences.

 

Thanks, simplNfit. These two things, in particular, are my worries. So I'll extrapolate some on what I mean by saying that I see no progress. We've discussed this much more than once, and each time for a day, or two, or three afterwards there is a bit of activity of what I would consider very low key variety. He tried a couple short-lived things out, meaning attending informational sessions and shadowing some colleagues in his field to make sure he wouldn't like it. None of those stuck.

 

So far I have been encouraging him, suggesting things, sending him referrals.He has a few things he is "pursuing" as we speak, but in my book I consider that no progress, because all of that combined amounts to maybe two weeks of full-time activities.

 

I worry you are right and he will not be making any real progress unless I pose an ultimatum. Except...I know that by the time this is the only recourse left, it really would be over. All my good sense tells me to remember that people rarely change, and when they do it is because they want to, not for anyone else. And so yes, it seems to me that you are right and he is making excuses, while placating me with promises and I am enabling that behavior. All I can do is ask for what I need and I have. How much longer I wait to see if there is any change, I am less clear on for now...

[Mystyry]

So having gained access to post-secondary education, I still feel a bit a part of two different worlds at times.

 

I would be in part worried with such a situation, where someone cannot have a little grit and work on a plan, whether labor of love or necessity, that they would not be able to do it in the future if needed. Not just financially, but following through with dealing with care-giving of parents, or raising children.

 

And, even realizing that this may say something about me that may not be entirely pleasant, I am also fairly sure that I would grow to resent it.

 

Thanks. This drove home a few points for me. In my own way by virtue of my experience, I can identify very well with having had to work hard for what I have and feeling a part of two different worlds. So, much like he is unable to understand why I am working so hard, I can't understand why he isn't.

 

I do often wonder about implications of such a laid back character on life's turns and any potential future together. I think he would be able to handle it, but that's the thing - I really have very few real life examples to base that "thinking" on. And maybe I, too, have something not entire pleasant in me, but I worry about resenting it. Actually about us both resenting it.