S.O.S: I'll have the opportunity to see my ex

[Lisaa]

Hello guys,

 

Almost 4 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me and it was a pretty traumatic experience for me.

 

We had a good relationship (almost two years together), but the passion was cooling down over time and our incompatibilities getting more and more accentuated.

 

We had a good friendship, tenderness, affection, but routine and complacency radically reduced enthusiasm and romance. Our relationship ended up in a serious crisis, but I believe we still loved each other.

 

We finished well, no big fights (just a few arguments in the previous months), I apologized for having neglected him and the relationship at times (I was experiencing personal, financial and professional problems in the last months of the relationship).

 

Anyway, after the relationship ended, I discovered how much I still loved him and wanted to try one more time.

 

I wrote a very mature letter (not begging, just analysing our relationship and saying how much I was grateful for our experience together and how much I regretted not having invested more time and energy on him) and I even spoke on the phone with him two weeks after the letter. He was educated at both times but distant emotionally. I needed to make these contacts (before going NC for two months) because I felt very guilty of having neglected him at various times (not that he did not do the same). We had a very peculiar relationship, where we gave much freedom of time and space to each other.

 

After two months, he published a few things on facebook that seemed very geared up for a reflection on separation, longing, and regret. I was very fragile, I cried a lot. He seemed to want to share with everyone that he was in crisis, that he was depressed, and things like that (a radical turn of his previous posts in the first two months of our separation where he seemed very loud, outspoken and carefree, enjoying the single life and wanting to rub it on everyone's face).

 

I interpreted these melancholic posts as signs that a door might be opening for a reconciliation.

 

But he did not come in direct contact with me. He is very proud, and always felt inferior in the relationship, was always very afraid that I would break up with him because his previous girlfriend left him. Then, since it had been two months since we had no contact, I believe he did not want to make the first move, afraid of rejection.

 

I waited about fifteen days and called him. He did not answer or return. Around the same time he started a friendship with a girl on facebook and two weeks later changed his status of relationship by taking a serious relationship with her. Then began to publish in everywhere that he is with her, declaring himself for her in a totally exaggerated form. I was devastated.

 

I will have the opportunity to meet him at an event in the coming weeks but I am in serious doubt whether or not I should go. This is a very special, familiar event (and it was at this very same event of the previous years that we met for the first time).

 

I know that he will not leave the new girlfriend for me, but I know that seeing me will shake him and vice versa.

 

I would like to someday to retrieve our relationship, so I don't know if it is a good strategy to go to this event or not. Help me please.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Don't go to the event. It will only make things hurt worse if he's there with her.

[HumanMachine]

In what universe does going to this event seem like a good idea? You’ve continuously been rejected by this guy and he is now in a new relationship. Time to move on.

[Art Vandelay]

 

 

Anyway, after the relationship ended, I discovered how much I still loved him and wanted to try one more time.

 

 

Be very careful with your interpretation of this. It's an illusion, in my opinion. It's your brain's way of interpreting the pain of detachment, the feelings of loneliness, the pain of loss, or whatever you want to call it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I really think you're going to regret attending this event and seeing him there, OP.

 

Personally, I would opt out, for my own sanity. I would advise you to do the same this time.

[Beachead]

Hello guys,

 

Almost 4 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me and it was a pretty traumatic experience for me.

 

We had a good relationship (almost two years together), but the passion was cooling down over time and our incompatibilities getting more and more accentuated.

 

We had a good friendship, tenderness, affection, but routine and complacency radically reduced enthusiasm and romance. Our relationship ended up in a serious crisis, but I believe we still loved each other.

 

We finished well, no big fights (just a few arguments in the previous months), I apologized for having neglected him and the relationship at times (I was experiencing personal, financial and professional problems in the last months of the relationship).

 

Anyway, after the relationship ended, I discovered how much I still loved him and wanted to try one more time.

 

I wrote a very mature letter (not begging, just analysing our relationship and saying how much I was grateful for our experience together and how much I regretted not having invested more time and energy on him) and I even spoke on the phone with him two weeks after the letter. He was educated at both times but distant emotionally. I needed to make these contacts (before going NC for two months) because I felt very guilty of having neglected him at various times (not that he did not do the same). We had a very peculiar relationship, where we gave much freedom of time and space to each other.

 

After two months, he published a few things on facebook that seemed very geared up for a reflection on separation, longing, and regret. I was very fragile, I cried a lot. He seemed to want to share with everyone that he was in crisis, that he was depressed, and things like that (a radical turn of his previous posts in the first two months of our separation where he seemed very loud, outspoken and carefree, enjoying the single life and wanting to rub it on everyone's face).

 

I interpreted these melancholic posts as signs that a door might be opening for a reconciliation.

 

But he did not come in direct contact with me. He is very proud, and always felt inferior in the relationship, was always very afraid that I would break up with him because his previous girlfriend left him. Then, since it had been two months since we had no contact, I believe he did not want to make the first move, afraid of rejection.

 

I waited about fifteen days and called him. He did not answer or return. Around the same time he started a friendship with a girl on facebook and two weeks later changed his status of relationship by taking a serious relationship with her. Then began to publish in everywhere that he is with her, declaring himself for her in a totally exaggerated form. I was devastated.

 

I will have the opportunity to meet him at an event in the coming weeks but I am in serious doubt whether or not I should go. This is a very special, familiar event (and it was at this very same event of the previous years that we met for the first time).

 

I know that he will not leave the new girlfriend for me, but I know that seeing me will shake him and vice versa.

 

I would like to someday to retrieve our relationship, so I don't know if it is a good strategy to go to this event or not. Help me please.

 

Hey Lissa,

 

Whatever he is going through is for him to explore by himself. He needs to arrive at the conclusion of wanting you back on his own. Right now, he is not thinking about getting back together with you. If you try to interfere with this process, it may just end up confusing him. You two need a lot more time apart to reflect on what happened and to grow as people. I'm talking maybe a good year apart. If you get back together right now, the same issues will resurface and your relationship with him will fail for good.

 

Currently, the reality right now is you two are broken up and he is with someone new. He doesn't want to be shaken up or rescued from his mistakes. It's not up to you to change his mind and as far as you know, you may never see or talk to him again. And I know how much that kills to hear but recall that I said "Currently." We don't know what will happen in the future.

 

Let yourself grieve over this current reality. Let him be. Let the relationship be. Let the dust settle and let the silence do the work for you. Let yourself move forward irrespective of him and let the time apart grow you. All you have to do is take care of yourself.

 

This way, should he ever come back, you will be thinking straight and you will be ready for it.

 

Goodluck.

[stillafool]

I wouldn't go either. That FB reflection thingy could be something that's related to his new relationship you never know. It's best to leave him alone and if he wants you back let him contact you.

[Lisaa]

Hey Lissa,

 

Whatever he is going through is for him to explore by himself. He needs to arrive at the conclusion of wanting you back on his own. Right now, he is not thinking about getting back together with you. If you try to interfere with this process, it may just end up confusing him. You two need a lot more time apart to reflect on what happened and to grow as people. I'm talking maybe a good year apart. If you get back together right now, the same issues will resurface and your relationship with him will fail for good.

 

Currently, the reality right now is you two are broken up and he is with someone new. He doesn't want to be shaken up or rescued from his mistakes. It's not up to you to change his mind and as far as you know, you may never see or talk to him again. And I know how much that kills to hear but recall that I said "Currently." We don't know what will happen in the future.

 

Let yourself grieve over this current reality. Let him be. Let the relationship be. Let the dust settle and let the silence do the work for you. Let yourself move forward irrespective of him and let the time apart grow you. All you have to do is take care of yourself.

 

This way, should he ever come back, you will be thinking straight and you will be ready for it.

 

Goodluck.

 

 

What a beautiful response. I feel like you had the ability to read the situation in a very delicate and sensible way.

 

He is indeed very immature and insecure. He started to date a much younger girl (and from a lower social class) less than three months after our breakup and it's putting her on a pedestal (like he did with me in the beginning, only this time he's doing it in a very exaggerated way). A major case of rebound, in my opinion.

 

His posts seem so calculated.

 

I feel very bad 'cause we had a really beautiful connection and really respected each other's boundaries. Our relationship was suffering but my life was suffering in other areas, so it was a major crisis that culminated in the end.

 

I respect him and truly love him.

 

Right now, I feel very much fragile. We've never broken up before and didn't cross my mind one day he'd not be in my life. I know it's crazy but I felt so secure with him, that the breakup was very traumatic. I don't blame him, we were growing apart, our relationship was desintegrating, but we still did love each other.

 

I always had to take first steps to keep things going and right now I'm blaming myself for the failure of the relationship. I know he had major feelings for me and he believed we'd be together for a long time.

 

But when real-life problems arrived he didn't want to work out the issues, he is very escapist and has a tendency to run from demons, problems and everything that requires growth. I'm the opposite.

 

Now I'm charging myself to try to save our relationship. I know it's crazy.

 

His family is very disappointed with him because he can not maintain an adult relationship.

 

But I had my share of responsability in the failure of the relationship too. We were both very self-centered.

 

However, I'm happy we've always respected each other and never had a major fight, only minor arguments. I still love him and it's very hard to let go. He was not only my boyfriend, but my very best friend.

 

When he broke up with me, I kissed him and hugged him a lot. Almost like a farewell.

 

Now I'm afraid I'll miss a rare chance to meet him again and maybe plant a seed for a reunion in the future.

Edited November 24, 2017 by Lisaa

[basil67]

Lissa, I'm saying this not to hurt you, but to give you some much needed perspective.

 

You have very accurately described a relationship which needed to end. It may have been good in the beginning, but by the end it had disintegrated to the point where it was no longer meeting his needs. He moved on because it was what he needed to do for himself. He made a wise decision.

 

Him having pride is a good thing. Pride is what stops us from being in a relationship which is wrong for us. Pride is about not accepting second best. Not saying that you are second best, but the relationship ended up being very second best.

 

Show him the respect of allowing him to move on without attempting to sabotage his healing. And yes, shaking him is deliberate sabotage.

 

Move on from him. And next time you have a good relationship, don't allow it to become so broken before attempting to fix things.

[d0nnivain]

You need to disconnect from him on social media. You aren't doing yourself any favors by reading his posts.

 

I also think you need to skip this event. You are no way strong enough to see him with her at the event where you met. It'll kill you. Find something else to do that day. Next year when you are stronger & over him, you can attend again.

[Lisaa]

Lissa, I'm saying this not to hurt you, but to give you some much needed perspective.

 

You have very accurately described a relationship which needed to end. It may have been good in the beginning, but by the end it had disintegrated to the point where it was no longer meeting his needs. He moved on because it was what he needed to do for himself. He made a wise decision.

 

Him having pride is a good thing. Pride is what stops us from being in a relationship which is wrong for us. Pride is about not accepting second best. Not saying that you are second best, but the relationship ended up being very second best.

 

Show him the respect of allowing him to move on without attempting to sabotage his healing. And yes, shaking him is deliberate sabotage.

 

Move on from him. And next time you have a good relationship, don't allow it to become so broken before attempting to fix things.

 

I understand what you want to say and I agree with you that the relationship wasn't working.

 

But things in life are impermanent and in our case, I do think there's a possibility for us to work things out in the future. But it would have to be another relationship, with other dynamic going on.

 

If there is love and respect, with hard work we can figure things out. I was living a pretty chaotic phase in the months pre-breakup. I kinda lost myself and the relationship suffered.

 

We never really had the chance to work things out and I can see a pattern in his behaviour to always run off the things that bother him. He's a "peter pan" type of guy but I do believe we have the potential to have a second chance. But we'd have to be more open to compromise.

 

Said that, I do understand that he has to want this too, I can't make it alone. I'm respecting him and I don't even contact him, but I have the right to want to have a second chance.

Edited November 25, 2017 by Lisaa

[basil67]

We never really had the chance to work things out and I can see a pattern in his behaviour to always run off the things that bother him.

 

The relationship had all kinds of problems which the two of you chose to not address until it was too late. You did indeed have the chance to work things out, but neither of you prioritised the relationship before it was too late.

 

Given the amount of disintegration the relationship has suffered by the end, and the fact that neither of you cared to address it before it was too late.....he did the right thing by ending it. I'm not being mean to you. Just pointing out that he stuck it out for quite a reasonable amount of time before deciding it was beyond salvage for him. And "for him" is the operative word. You may be happy to go back and try and fix things, but for him, it's too little too late.

[Lisaa]

The relationship had all kinds of problems which the two of you chose to not address until it was too late. You did indeed have the chance to work things out, but neither of you prioritised the relationship before it was too late.

 

Given the amount of disintegration the relationship has suffered by the end, and the fact that neither of you cared to address it before it was too late.....he did the right thing by ending it. I'm not being mean to you. Just pointing out that he stuck it out for quite a reasonable amount of time before deciding it was beyond salvage for him. And "for him" is the operative word. You may be happy to go back and try and fix things, but for him, it's too little too late.

 

 

I tried to talk to him in some occasions, but he assured me that it was just a phase, that we'd have better moments. He's the type of guy that smokes pot everyday, a great amount of cigars and drinks a lot (a lot!!). And has weight issues too. In some way, he is quite a bit dependent on substances to relax and to be able to function properly. I'm very sober and clean, I like to fix issues. And I'm always working hard to be fit and attractive.

 

He started to go out with a friend of his work (the type of guy who lives "la vida loca") and wanted to test the waters being single again. He was making great money and my career was in a bad moment. I wasn't having money to go along with his lifestyle for a while.

It hurts to think about it.

 

When the single life turned to be much harder than he was expecting, he embarked on another relationship less than three months after our breakup. I don't think he's in a healthy state of mind, if we take into consideration his destructive habits and escapist patterns.

 

I was very depressed and worried about the future, and he was trying to live a second adolescence. But we still cared about each other.

 

Now my career went up again and I don't have my boyfriend. With the separation, I understood many things, saw many things that I didn't see before.

 

It wasn't only the relationship that was desintegrating, we were both having a hard time personally. Do you understand?

Edited November 25, 2017 by Lisaa

[d0nnivain]

Lisaa

 

You are projecting. You want him back so you misinterpret every thing he does to support your incorrect theory that he wants you back too. You already know the relationship didn't work & he runs from problems rather than being mature & dealing with them. Unless he changes -- which he hasn't -- this relationship cannot be salvaged.

[Lisaa]

Lisaa

 

You are projecting. You want him back so you misinterpret every thing he does to support your incorrect theory that he wants you back too. You already know the relationship didn't work & he runs from problems rather than being mature & dealing with them. Unless he changes -- which he hasn't -- this relationship cannot be salvaged.

 

D0nnivain, I do agree with you that right now he doesn't want me back, 'cause he's trying to reproduce the same type of relationship with other person (that he had with others before me). So, yes, he doesn't want me back.

 

But I don't think it's impossible that he reconsiders his choices in the future.

Edited November 25, 2017 by Lisaa

[Beachead]

What a beautiful response. I feel like you had the ability to read the situation in a very delicate and sensible way.

 

He is indeed very immature and insecure. He started to date a much younger girl (and from a lower social class) less than three months after our breakup and it's putting her on a pedestal (like he did with me in the beginning, only this time he's doing it in a very exaggerated way). A major case of rebound, in my opinion.

 

His posts seem so calculated.

 

I feel very bad 'cause we had a really beautiful connection and really respected each other's boundaries. Our relationship was suffering but my life was suffering in other areas, so it was a major crisis that culminated in the end.

 

I respect him and truly love him.

 

Right now, I feel very much fragile. We've never broken up before and didn't cross my mind one day he'd not be in my life. I know it's crazy but I felt so secure with him, that the breakup was very traumatic. I don't blame him, we were growing apart, our relationship was desintegrating, but we still did love each other.

 

I always had to take first steps to keep things going and right now I'm blaming myself for the failure of the relationship. I know he had major feelings for me and he believed we'd be together for a long time.

 

But when real-life problems arrived he didn't want to work out the issues, he is very escapist and has a tendency to run from demons, problems and everything that requires growth. I'm the opposite.

 

Now I'm charging myself to try to save our relationship. I know it's crazy.

 

His family is very disappointed with him because he can not maintain an adult relationship.

 

But I had my share of responsability in the failure of the relationship too. We were both very self-centered.

 

However, I'm happy we've always respected each other and never had a major fight, only minor arguments. I still love him and it's very hard to let go. He was not only my boyfriend, but my very best friend.

 

When he broke up with me, I kissed him and hugged him a lot. Almost like a farewell.

 

Now I'm afraid I'll miss a rare chance to meet him again and maybe plant a seed for a reunion in the future.

 

A true friendship is for life. A true love is for life.

 

My oldest, closest friends..we will only see eachother once every few months..maybe longer. Everyone is busy now. But when we do meet up, it's like old times again. We connect again instantly. We laugh, we talk about personal lives, we help eachother in between the time gaps. We always maintain some form of contact. With others, they drift apart and stop talking altogether. I've seen 100's of people come and go in my life. Not them though. It's been over 20 years now.

 

If you two were truly meant to be, then I believe the time apart won't make a difference except improve your current situation. No matter what he chooses to do in his life be it dating other girls, travelling, pursuing his career, studying, meeting tons of people, there you will be sitting in his mind. Probably in the nights.

 

As I said before, right now, I don't think either of you are emotionally equipped to handle the limbo you both are in. He can't give you answers because he doesn't know what the answers are and neither do you. You both need the time apart to heal yourself, gain clarity and return to a place where you feel strong enough to live life on your own. Only then will you both be okay and ready for something new and fresh.

 

I personally think in this case, the silence and the time apart will do more for the both of you than any effort you exert by yourself trying to plant seeds.

 

But the choice is ultimately up to you. Should you choose to go, just be ready for the possibility that things may not go your way.

Edited November 26, 2017 by Beachead

[Lisaa]

A true friendship is for life. A true love is for life.

 

My oldest, closest friends..we will only see eachother once every few months..maybe longer. Everyone is busy now. But when we do meet up, it's like old times again. We connect again instantly. We laugh, we talk about personal lives, we help eachother in between the time gaps. We always maintain some form of contact. With others, they drift apart and stop talking altogether. I've seen 100's of people come and go in my life. Not them though. It's been over 20 years now.

 

If you two were truly meant to be, then I believe the time apart won't make a difference except improve your current situation. No matter what he chooses to do in his life be it dating other girls, travelling, pursuing his career, studying, meeting tons of people, there you will be sitting in his mind. Probably in the nights.

 

As I said before, right now, I don't think either of you are emotionally equipped to handle the limbo you both are in. He can't give you answers because he doesn't know what the answers are and neither do you. You both need the time apart to heal yourself, gain clarity and return to a place where you feel strong enough to live life on your own. Only then will you both be okay and ready for something new and fresh.

 

I personally think in this case, the silence and the time apart will do more for the both of you than any effort you exert by yourself trying to plant seeds.

 

But the choice is ultimately up to you. Should you choose to go, just be ready for the possibility that things may not go your way.

 

Beautiful response Beachead, thank you for your great perception of things.