Don't know how to handle this, worst situation ever

[Hoosfoos]

I lived with a drunk and eventually I realized I could never, ever get her to stop drinking. People generally don't change, just think just how difficult it is to change yourself before you try to force someone else to change.

 

Her bond is with the booze, first and foremost.

[Marc878]

She's not your problem. Block her like you should have upfront.

 

You are playing yourself by staying in this.

 

An old friend of mine married his high school sweetheart. She could never lay off the bottle. He stuck with her and tried everything. To no avail.

 

Years went by and after 20 years or do he came home and found her. She drank herself to death.

 

I gotta admire him in a way for sticking it out but you can't fix this. No one can but her.

 

Don't let yourself get dragged under with her.

[basil67]

He was just a callous *******, who doesn't care that he destroyed our relationship, that he is destroying her family, and putting his and her lives at risk.

 

Hang on, you're blaming the wrong person here. He's not in any state to be having a relationship. It's your ex who CHOSE to have a relationship with him regardless. He didn't destroy your relationship, your ex did. He didn't destroy her family - your ex did that herself. He didn't put her life at risk - she is putting her life at risk with the choices she makes.

 

It's not his responsibility to make good choices on her behalf. And it's not your responsibility either. It is her own responsibility to look after herself.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Until she hits rock bottom there's no hope for her. As long as she has men/family to fall back on she probably won't get well.

 

This is your future, what you've recently experienced, with her if you marry her. Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant. If you think your heart is breaking now, just add your child to the mix and then you'll find out what real heartbreak is. She will probably drag anyone down she's connected to.

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through and the pain of "withdrawal" you will experience. In a sense you and she are going through the same thing, the need to disengage, her with a substance, you with her.

 

Granted, it's healthy to fall in love, as you did with her. But, now you've found she's poison to you so looks as if you're going to have to detox/get into rehab so to speak.

 

Again, am so sorry to write this to you and for your pain.

[BaileyB]

You've experienced a significant trauma. I would suggest that you find a counsellor to help you to process everything and deal with your anxiety and anger. Best wishes.

[Highndry]

C'mon, you already did this whole thread here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/643588-do-i-tell-my-ex-s-new-boyfriend-she-cheated-him-me

[CC12]

Hard to take anything she says seriously at the moment.

 

Yes, but you kind of have to take her seriously because she is an adult who is making her own decisions. Granted, the decisions she's currently making are horrendous, terrible decisions, but you've just got to accept them. It would be one thing if she was still committed to you and your relationship and your future together, but she's not. She's got a new guy she's pursuing a ("serious") relationship with, as in she's planning on moving in with him and creating a future with him. Obviously that ****show is going to end up crashing and burning, and it's going to be very sad to hear about, but, well, that's her decision. You have to accept that she has her own personal autonomy.

 

She has chosen to end your relationship. You are her ex-fiance now. And in your position, there's nothing you can do. She ended it. It's over.

 

I'm very sorry for you, and your ex, and her family, and everyone involved. It's really very unfortunate and I hope she and her family can recover okay. I hope you can move on from this and find a happy relationship that works for you.

[Ataloss85]

S2B,

 

I mean no offense by this, but I am wondering how I have kept her sick?

 

Do you mean that because I took her back in? I in no way ever promoted the drinking, and refused to buy it for her, as well as kicked her out eventually. It just never got to that point until when I did. I promoted sober living and always tried to help her rediscover her life purpose. Even in the last times with her before the most recent rehab we would discuss life purpose, and how she could obtain it without alcohol. I admit it was hard not to talk about our relationship, and we did, but I tried to keep it minimal because her focus should be on that of how to get and stay sober. I only told her that she could come back to me, and find new adventure in life isf she wanted to seriously get sober and stay that way. I was very supportive of her choice to do rehab, and although she ended us, and that I’m not ok with this behavior, that all bridges between her and I are not burnt.

 

I am not providing safe haven for addiction, which is exactly what the other guy is doing. And when speaking to him about continuing to allow her to drink, he didn’t take it seriously that this is life threatening. I agree with the follow up comments that that will crash and burn...it already did once. And he is still using. The problem is that he has means...and that seems to entice her more than finding the life she truly wants...she sees it as a solution to her problems.

 

I’m not vengeful, and I can see that I have lots of work to do. I have read the new codependency, and I understand the parts that I did play in codependency, but I am actively pursuing that behavior no more. It’s just so hard to let go of a woman who has so much promise and loves me as much as I loved her. This total 180 occurred when she wasn’t serious about rehab the first time, and now I am still trying to make a life for myself, and trying to offer that we don’t have to be over forever.

 

Not as a backboneless man, but because this really mattered to us both. She is so lost, and may actually suffer from some mental issue, at least some really deep unaddressed issues. But as one poster said, look at the family. Her sister had a mental breakdown around a similar age. I can’t say it is genetic by any means, but it is curious.

 

I’m not racing back to her. I’m hoping she finds out for herself that we were beautiful. That she has lots of her own work to do. Rid herself of this toxic fantasy, and can seek me out when ready.

 

For me, I’m just working on my doctorate, forming new friendships, working on self improvement, and trying to find peace(as damn near impossible as it is right now). I am trying to think about the linear path of where I am to where I want to be, and the necessary steps to get there. But I can’t rule her out of that equation. I was thinking about giving her mother a book I have read about finding your purpose in life...let her see we aren’t on such different pages as she may think.kind of a loving from a distance.

 

I do not think I can fix her. I know it is out of my control. I can control what I do, as I do choose to fight for our relationship. I know I shouldn’t have to fight, but at the same time, sometimes I look st the things I have achieved in my life and say those are fighting for what I want too. That doesn’t mean forcing her, it just means being who I am, and letting her see that.

 

I hope sobriety reveals to her the choices she has made, and the errs of those which led her to here. That she can have the life she wants with me, it just takes some eye opening on her end. It’s only been a week in rehab. Lots of time has to pass for her brain chemistry to come back to what allows her to think clearly. I expect no immediate results, and still think she is aiming for immediate gratification with this guy. That immediate-ness never gives true happiness, and she will see that either in the short term of the bear long term. I hope her therapists really help her through this all and they can address him, and what happened between us. To not eradicate me from all memory...I mean how could she eliminate 4 and 1/2 years, a puppy, an engagement, and so much more.

 

I asked this to a girlfriend and she said the following:

 

Most women are not just done when done. It doesn’t work that way. Once the dust settles, then the bad goes away, and only the good is left. You were never abusive, or bad to her, and she will have to face that. It just takes some time...and not racing back into another relationship with someone new, or she will just end up where she left off...in a bad place for herself. You guys were never bad, and she will see that. Just let her find it.

[Ataloss85]

Oh and why should I never be with her again? I am forgiving and understanding. And so is she when sober. It’s not like I don’t expect relapse. It just means I have to know what to do when it does occur.

[d0nnivain]

Oh and why should I never be with her again? I am forgiving and understanding. And so is she when sober. It’s not like I don’t expect relapse. It just means I have to know what to do when it does occur.

 

Go to an Al Anon meeting. They will help you develop a road map. The group will help you understand her behavior and yours.

[Ataloss85]

Donnivan,

 

I have been going for a while now. I am taking the steps at my own pace. Have simply not covered everything. But I am working hard. And I am taking it all very seriously. They have been helpful, and it does help to speak with people of similar experience. But I am asking all of you for thoughts on our relationship side. I am on soberrecovery.com as well and have been working though the alcohol side for months now in the forums. I just could use some pointers as how to handle our relationship side of things. It is terrible, but not enough to send me running. My devotion was unconditional, and I accept her for who she is, then and now. Even if it hurts. I feel we aren’t done.