Don't know how to handle this, worst situation ever

[Ataloss85]

I will try to keep this brief...and it is quite complex so bear with me.

 

 

My fiance and I were together for 4 and 1/2 years. In the last year, she became a serious alcoholic. I do not share the addiction issue, just as an FYI. Her and I were fantastic for so long, and everything was beautiful, including our engagement. We were a few months off from our wedding, when the drinking was quite severe. She even had withdrawal seizures, and had been in and out of detox a few times. I stood by her side through all this, and also understood and helped her with her financial hardships. She eventually even lost two jobs due to the drinking, and I tried to help her sort that out and then help find a replacement. I am a grad student, and am about to graduate. She eventually got so bad, that with the help of her parents, we had to kick her out of my house (trying to send a message). That didn't work, and she ended up in detox...from there she decided to go to rehab. In rehab, I was very supportive and loving, and then about two weeks in something changed. At week three, she stopped talking to me much, and I thought it was her focusing on rehab. The last week, we had a family therapy session where she broke off our engagement, and said she was moving away. We all thought this was part of the program (like a sober living home). Turns out she leaves with a guy from rehab, moves with him to Michigan (I am from Wisconsin). She didn't take rehab seriously at all...to the tune of $40000. I am freaking out...but go into no contact. A month later, the guy sends her back, and it turns out she had 7 seizures in 4 weeks with him because they went on an absolute bender. He didn't even take her to the ER!

 

 

So now she is back...she continues to drink...gets kicked out of her parents house...stays with someone else...continues to drink...then ends up at the detox again. Her family asks me to step in, and try to talk to her. I end up going to see her. She was shocked and thought that bridge was burned. She gets out a few days later and has no place to stay...I said she could stay with me as long as she makes serious plans to get sober. She does.

 

 

While there, it was initially awkward, though it was just a few weeks ago that she lived me and our dog. Now, day 1 and two pass pretty awkwardly, but then day three we end up watching a movie, and eventually having sex. Day 4, and after work, we are dancing and reminiscing about old times...she kisses me, and we end up having sex 3 times. Now the odd part is...

 

 

She has a stuck fantasy in her head that she is going to move with the other addict to miami. He is on board with this, and his family owns some company so he has quite a bit of money. She would not let up about this, even though when we did it, she told me she was over him and they are done. She even told me she would want to come with me when I move to wherever I end up after my doctorate.

 

 

 

She was texting and calling him while staying with me, and then she finally had to go to rehab. In rehab, she texted me a few times, but said she doesnt know if she wants to see me yet. I get news from the parents and a girlfriend that her plan is to still just wait for this guy to hire someone new, and then he will essentially take her back and they will move to miami.

 

 

You have got to be kidding me. Two addicts, who almost killed themselves once, want to move to the party capital of the world and "do realestate" among some of the largest companies in the world, and will not likely be too welcoming to newcomers...Clearly not thought out at all. It is like a sick fantasy honestly.

 

 

Now, I am no saint, but I am much more grounded, and am trying to finish my doctorate in Biophysics. I say this only to show you I don't really mess around. I am a serious, but fun person that has a bright future, a future that her and I had all planned out together until she did this. I am devastated...this was about two months ago since this started...the sleeping together was last week.

 

 

 

 

NOW, the question is...

 

 

Do I tell this guy or not?

 

 

Everyone who knows her, her family, and me think this is toxic as hell and she is putting her life in danger (to the tune of a BAC of 0.57 the last detox). He doesn't grasp the severity...and he even called me and sounded like a 36 year old child and talked **** about her saying she was a washed up failure of a model (she was a model before realestate agent). He also talks about dangling the carrot in front of her that she can come back...as though it is motivation for her...which clearly she is falling for. I told her he said these things because I couldn't stand that no one else tells her these things.

 

 

So, with her actions, and all that has happened. I may or may not be able to save my relationship with her. She says she loves me, but is torn. I am willing to work with her addiction, since it is a disease, and I do not fault her for that...however, it has been influencing her behavior clearly, because I and everyone else is saying this is a totally different person (her). But I saw glimpses of the real her when were together again, and if was breathtaking. Regardless, my question still stands...should I tell this guy, who is a scum bag, that I have been sleeping with her again. That we talk frequently, and that what he thinks he is getting is love, but is probably some mal-directed lash out on her part against all of us...she left all of us, friends, family, our dog, me...and just took off.

 

 

This is craziness I know, but I want to tell him to see if we can knock him out of the picture. I know this sounds like I want revenge or just want her back...and although I do want her back...I am more concerned about her life. She isn't taking rehab seriously again if they are talking and all she is waiting for is for him to get someone to replace him, then they go....as opposed to saying I will stay here as long as I need to to find the tools I need to manage my addiction. We all agree if she goes to miami it is almost certain death. And I mean that.

 

 

So, my motives are this:

1. try to save this person I love from death

2. try to get the other guy to wake up and see he is being played

3. somewhere down the road...maybe get my love of my life back ...this has all been so hard on me, because we were the sweetest couple...and then she turned into this wild crazy person.

4. NOT REVENGE on her or him, I don't want to hurt him by telling him we slept together a number of times before rehab and only saw eachother again for a few days...I mean we both still love eachother...simple as that. She is just hell bent on this other person as an escape from her problems...she has to own up to them and face them head on.

 

5. Her dishonesty to me made me believe she was done with him, and now wanted to be with me. That is why I slept with her again. Now, the dishonesty kills me, and I want to get the information out there so there are no more lies. Her relationship with this guy was based on lies, and he needs to know (then again he lied to).

 

 

I do have evidence that we did sleep together, and I am ready to show him...how I present the issue would be straight forward, and facts. Not rubbing it in his face. I find no pleasure in telling him. I want to tell him that he should reconsider, because I certainly am after this...I do not want to invoke a competition, and I personally have no interest.

 

 

So what do you all think... I am new here, and am kind of at a loss whether or not I should do this...thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

You can try telling him but he won't believe you.

[basil67]

If you sabotage her choices in life, she will probably hate you forever.

 

You are full of good intentions, but you're over estimating how much help you can give her. You can't save this woman and she doesn't want your help anyway. She has to get there on her own.

 

The best thing you can do is let her go. Allow her to hit rock bottom and perhaps she will see.

[BC1980]

I would not tell him. That will only serve to get you further embroiled in this toxic situation. It's just not worth it.

[Highndry]

Exit the situation completely. You can do better than this slow-motion train wreck. Telling him accomplishes nothing.

[Captivating]

1. You proved your love for her and showed that you care

2. You tried to help her, gave her many chances

3. She needs to come terms with her own addiction and take serious steps towards healing, you cannot do this for her.

4. You should have one more serious talk with her, then let her go.

5. You cannot save people who does not want to be saved.

6. This is unfortunate what has been happening, strange that her family ask you to step in, while their take on this is "tough love" ... what is wrong with her family ?

7. Not to mention ... this girl is cheating on you, alcoholism corrupts ones' self, her moral stand and commitment to you is compromised, how would you be able to build a future with her like this ??

 

Don't tell the new guy anything ... it will not solve anything.

She is an adult, had multiple chances by you to turn things around that she blew.

At one point you need to cut your losses ... it is good that this happened before you guys actually had a family together.

Have a serious, " straight to the point " talk with her ... then step back, let her be.

 

Tell her that she needs to want to get better and the power is within her to make this happen. There are two choices, happy life and miserable life, she is at the turning point.

Edited November 22, 2017 by Captivating

[Been]

Tell him and what does it change? First he might not believe you and second he more then likely won't care because after she talks to him shell spin it in a direction that it will look like she was the "victim".

Either way it isn't going to do anything. It isn't like he's your friend or a family member. You owe him and her nothing.

[Ataloss85]

Thank you for the replies thus far.

 

You know, this would all be so much more simple if addiction wasn't involved. If she never went to rehab the first time, then she wouldn't have this toxic relationship with the other guy. But it just worked out that way...

 

I am truly struggling with this loss, and my life feels like it is falling apart. I haven't heard from her in two days...she only gets her phone for a few hours a day...but I am sure she is texting and talking to this guy.

 

I don't know how she can push me out of her life like this. When we were together last week at our house (now she corrects me and says my house)...we did discuss somewhat what happened and about our future.

 

She said she loves me, but "like she loves her other ex's". I don't get how this happens when we were together only two-three months ago. It is like I am just a dream of what happened over the past few years, and that our engagement didn't mean a thing.

 

I asked her if the ring meant anything to her...she said it did at the time...I asked and now? She didn't have an answer.

 

I will state again, that when we danced, and she looked in my eyes, she came to kiss me, and we did. Then we ended up having sex. It was very intimate and romantic...and it was all very playful and happy with the dancing and led to the kiss.

 

I guess I don't know what to think...I am so damn lost...I don't know if she will eventually see us for what we really are together. I did give her plenty of chances...and I do understand that the change has to come from within her...but I want to fight for this...and yet take the proper steps to get an ex back as per Coach Corey Wayne..or the likes. Meaning, I am trying hard to be the best I can when she is gone...but this has destroyed me so hard.

 

When we talked, I told her I do love her...that when I finish my doctorate, she can come with me again to do the plans we made...to move out west, and start a new life together. I didn't close that door on her. These were our plans together. I just said take your time and find sobriety and then you are welcome to join.

 

I just hate hearing that she is "waiting for the other guy to hire a new person, then they will leave for miami." Like, take your own life seriously...don't stay in rehab just until he is available, then jump out of it. What about staying in there until SHE has the proper tools to grow and be sober again, and forever at that. Her mentality going in was that she wont be able to drink for a while...not a good attitude.

 

I guess, I try to stay positive, and hope she sees the scum bag guy for who he is...and realizes what she had with me...and reconsider her choice. Problem everyone sees is she made her choice to do this sober in rehab the last time for a month. But the place she went to was freaking absurd...it was like rockstar treatment...messages, yoga, pool, a literal vacation. We describe it as a place CEO's go to who have a cocaine problem...go in there, relax, and come out and continue with the coke.

 

This is essentially what happened, but she left with someone else...and she thinks he is her salvation. I never thought I was her salvation...I just knew I could support her, and always did, and promoted her building up her life, along side of me.

 

This is so messed up, I even have thoughts of offing myself...which don't freak out, I wont act on it...but the pain is immense and I just don't see any benefit of her leaving me. I also want to fight for us...and am going to continue to. Now, you all may think I am foolish...or arrogant...or stupid. But the reasons I listed for telling him about us having sex is not about revenge...I just want him to know that the person he has been dealing with is not the kind loving person we all knew before this. She is a user and cheater, and if she stays on this path, with his promotion of this all, they will certainly burn out...or he will end up hurt in the future. Obviously, I don't care about him...but I do care about her...they almost killed themselves when together the last time...and he didn''t even take her to the ER! Just shipped her home! Then plays the make up game...that if she gets better, sure she can come back...what a ****ed up story...everyone sees it but her...

[Ataloss85]

I should add...

 

I have been carefully crafting what I would say to him.

 

The only thing I am trying to really hard show him is that he can't trust a thing she is telling him. All her friends, family, and me can't right now either. He may feel good getting attention, but it is some misguided attention to an end goal. He has money, she thinks he can solve her life problems, and she told me it would be great to marry and divorce him and take half of it. This is the kind of nuts crap I hear from her...this is who she is currently. She was never this way before all this. Its so sad...and the junkie new bf is just as delusional about all of it. I want to send a strong eye opener...and maybe he will just walk away. I am not the only one saying he needs to go, for her sake.

 

It is odd though, I had a discussion the other night that I got upset telling someone that why the hell has no one stepped up for me, and defended me? Why is no one on my team, and telling her to wait, and reconsider. They just let it all happen without making a peep (well for the most part...). A few people told her things like..."how are you two not compatible, you were together for 4 1/2 years, and it wayyyyy better than any of our relationships?" Or the other girlfriends saying what are you thinking? But in the end, they are her friends and would "support her as long as she is sober." I don't know what the mom said to her...but she did say to one of the friends the other day that she should be getting sober and talking to Joel (me). But most people are just pissed at her...they don't really want to talk to her because she just up and left all of us. dumped everyone here to run off with this guy on a bender. and no one else is really speaking up saying what were you thinking? Instead, they are just like...oh well...just dont tell her that that is f'ing toxic for her.

 

This is why I want to do something...I can't just stand by and watch this...

 

I do love and respect her...and I do want a fair shot at this with her again...but with the fantasy she has lined up...no one can get through to her...

[whatnot]

No............

Edited November 22, 2017 by whatnot

[Zahara]

This is so messed up, I even have thoughts of offing myself...which don't freak out, I wont act on it...but the pain is immense and I just don't see any benefit of her leaving me. I also want to fight for us...and am going to continue to.

 

This is a futile and wasted effort. You can't fight for someone when they are choosing not to be with you. The bold comes from extreme denial and the inability to accept finality and to let go. It's unrealistic and will only keep you holding on far longer to pain and hurt.

 

 

Now, you all may think I am foolish...or arrogant...or stupid. But the reasons I listed for telling him about us having sex is not about revenge...I just want him to know that the person he has been dealing with is not the kind loving person we all knew before this. She is a user and cheater, and if she stays on this path, with his promotion of this all, they will certainly burn out...or he will end up hurt in the future. Obviously, I don't care about him...but I do care about her...they almost killed themselves when together the last time...and he didn''t even take her to the ER! Just shipped her home! Then plays the make up game...that if she gets better, sure she can come back...what a ****ed up story...everyone sees it but her...

 

You're trying to change her to become someone you want her to become. This is the path that she is CHOOSING for herself. Change can only come from her own self-reflection and self-awareness. It doesn't come from you trying to play fixer. Something has to be said about your own emotional and mental mindset that you would adamantly stay in a situation that is so toxic.

 

She's a liar, a cheater and an alcoholic. What would even make you believe that you can have a future with someone that is so destructive. She may have been a different person before but you need to work with what she's presenting to you NOW. This is who she is and there is no guarantee that she is going to ever do a 180 again. She's blatantly telling you she isn't in love you and that is because she is in love with this guy. Accept it.

 

The best thing you can do is start rebuilding your life. She has family and friends to support her. Don't stick around and try to fix her. It will come at the very painful cost of your own emotional and mental wellbeing.

 

As to telling this guy -- you're trying to sabotage their being together so that you can have a chance with her. It's very simple. But just as she was cheating on you and you accepted her back and still want a future with her, he will likely do the same thing and bypass everything you say because you both are attached to her.

Edited November 22, 2017 by Zahara

[HumanMachine]

Pfft two good for nothing low life scumbags.. let them rot together..

[Highndry]

Thank you for the replies thus far.

 

You know, this would all be so much more simple if addiction wasn't involved. If she never went to rehab the first time, then she wouldn't have this toxic relationship with the other guy. But it just worked out that way...

 

If it wasn't him, it would be another man.

 

I am truly struggling with this loss, and my life feels like it is falling apart. I haven't heard from her in two days...she only gets her phone for a few hours a day...but I am sure she is texting and talking to this guy.

 

She is, and will continue to. It's time to start accepting it's OVER.

 

I don't know how she can push me out of her life like this. When we were together last week at our house (now she corrects me and says my house)...we did discuss somewhat what happened and about our future.

 

Easy, she's interested in someone/something else now.

 

She said she loves me, but "like she loves her other ex's". I don't get how this happens when we were together only two-three months ago. It is like I am just a dream of what happened over the past few years, and that our engagement didn't mean a thing.

 

Translation: I am not in love with you anymore but want to let you down easy.

 

I asked her if the ring meant anything to her...she said it did at the time...I asked and now? She didn't have an answer.

 

Answer: It doesn't mean anything anymore, I'm interested in another guy.

 

I will state again, that when we danced, and she looked in my eyes, she came to kiss me, and we did. Then we ended up having sex. It was very intimate and romantic...and it was all very playful and happy with the dancing and led to the kiss.

 

It was just sex to her, nothing more.

 

I guess I don't know what to think...I am so damn lost...I don't know if she will eventually see us for what we really are together. I did give her plenty of chances...and I do understand that the change has to come from within her...but I want to fight for this...and yet take the proper steps to get an ex back as per Coach Corey Wayne..or the likes. Meaning, I am trying hard to be the best I can when she is gone...but this has destroyed me so hard.

 

Good luck with that. Those online relationship grifters and their "ignore her and she'll come running back into your arms" tripe are about as useful as an icemaker in the arctic. When women are done, they're done.

 

When we talked, I told her I do love her...that when I finish my doctorate, she can come with me again to do the plans we made...to move out west, and start a new life together. I didn't close that door on her. These were our plans together. I just said take your time and find sobriety and then you are welcome to join.

 

Congratulations, you've told her she can go out and drink herself to near death, f*** other guys, and live a life of debauchery while you happily wait for her like a good little subservient bf because you have zero self respect and don't feel you can do better.

 

I just hate hearing that she is "waiting for the other guy to hire a new person, then they will leave for miami." Like, take your own life seriously...don't stay in rehab just until he is available, then jump out of it. What about staying in there until SHE has the proper tools to grow and be sober again, and forever at that. Her mentality going in was that she wont be able to drink for a while...not a good attitude.

 

Not your problem, why are you making her life your issue?

 

I guess, I try to stay positive, and hope she sees the scum bag guy for who he is...and realizes what she had with me...and reconsider her choice. Problem everyone sees is she made her choice to do this sober in rehab the last time for a month. But the place she went to was freaking absurd...it was like rockstar treatment...messages, yoga, pool, a literal vacation. We describe it as a place CEO's go to who have a cocaine problem...go in there, relax, and come out and continue with the coke.

 

He's the exciting, new, shiny object she's going to continue screwing as they drink and drug their way around Miami. You're the boring past and life she's running away from.

 

This is essentially what happened, but she left with someone else...and she thinks he is her salvation. I never thought I was her salvation...I just knew I could support her, and always did, and promoted her building up her life, along side of me.

 

That's not as fun as ringing her pleasure bell with substances and different men as the situation calls for.

 

This is so messed up, I even have thoughts of offing myself...which don't freak out, I wont act on it...but the pain is immense and I just don't see any benefit of her leaving me. I also want to fight for us...and am going to continue to. Now, you all may think I am foolish...or arrogant...or stupid. But the reasons I listed for telling him about us having sex is not about revenge...I just want him to know that the person he has been dealing with is not the kind loving person we all knew before this. She is a user and cheater, and if she stays on this path, with his promotion of this all, they will certainly burn out...or he will end up hurt in the future. Obviously, I don't care about him...but I do care about her...they almost killed themselves when together the last time...and he didn''t even take her to the ER! Just shipped her home! Then plays the make up game...that if she gets better, sure she can come back...what a ****ed up story...everyone sees it but her...

 

BS. You want to tell him because you're trying to sabotage their relationship so he can't have her. You want her at any and all costs. Your denial is strong.

 

I should add...

 

I have been carefully crafting what I would say to him.

 

The only thing I am trying to really hard show him is that he can't trust a thing she is telling him. All her friends, family, and me can't right now either. He may feel good getting attention, but it is some misguided attention to an end goal. He has money, she thinks he can solve her life problems, and she told me it would be great to marry and divorce him and take half of it. This is the kind of nuts crap I hear from her...this is who she is currently. She was never this way before all this. Its so sad...and the junkie new bf is just as delusional about all of it. I want to send a strong eye opener...and maybe he will just walk away. I am not the only one saying he needs to go, for her sake.

 

It is odd though, I had a discussion the other night that I got upset telling someone that why the hell has no one stepped up for me, and defended me? Why is no one on my team, and telling her to wait, and reconsider. They just let it all happen without making a peep (well for the most part...). A few people told her things like..."how are you two not compatible, you were together for 4 1/2 years, and it wayyyyy better than any of our relationships?" Or the other girlfriends saying what are you thinking? But in the end, they are her friends and would "support her as long as she is sober." I don't know what the mom said to her...but she did say to one of the friends the other day that she should be getting sober and talking to Joel (me). But most people are just pissed at her...they don't really want to talk to her because she just up and left all of us. dumped everyone here to run off with this guy on a bender. and no one else is really speaking up saying what were you thinking? Instead, they are just like...oh well...just dont tell her that that is f'ing toxic for her.

 

This is why I want to do something...I can't just stand by and watch this...

 

I do love and respect her...and I do want a fair shot at this with her again...but with the fantasy she has lined up...no one can get through to her...

 

More of the same, see the above in bold.

Edited November 22, 2017 by Highndry

[sandylee1]

Why wpuld you wabt this drama in your life? There's got to be hundreds of girls you could be with and you're bothering yourself with her.

 

I'd be glad this happened before marriage and she became your legal obligation.

 

Let the other guy have her. Don't waste your time and focus on your studies.

[dumbass2]

and I do want a fair shot at this with her again...but with the fantasy she has lined up...no one can get through to her...

 

Well, we are trying to get through to you to let this go (I know,not easy), because you can't force her to do what you think is best for her. She has to figure things out on her own. Right now, you are also thinking fantasy if you think even if she did get back with you, that it would be any good now. It's pretty much ruined for good IMO. You will see months, years down the road that whatever more time you spend on her was worthless and a huge waste.

[Ataloss85]

Some background:

 

My fiance and I were together for 4 and 1/2 years. In the last year, she became a serious alcoholic. I do not share the addiction issue, just as an FYI. Her and I were fantastic for so long, and everything was beautiful, including our engagement. We were a few months off from our wedding, when the drinking was quite severe. She even had withdrawal seizures, and had been in and out of detox a few times. I stood by her side through all this, and also understood and helped her with her financial hardships. She eventually even lost two jobs due to the drinking, and I tried to help her sort that out and then help find a replacement. I am a grad student, and am about to graduate. She eventually got so bad, that with the help of her parents, we had to kick her out of my house (trying to send a message). That didn't work, and she ended up in detox...from there she decided to go to rehab. In rehab, I was very supportive and loving, and then about two weeks in something changed. At week three, she stopped talking to me much, and I thought it was her focusing on rehab. The last week, we had a family therapy session where she broke off our engagement, and said she was moving away. We all thought this was part of the program (like a sober living home). Turns out she leaves with a guy from rehab, moves with him to Michigan (I am from Wisconsin). She didn't take rehab seriously at all...to the tune of $40000. I am freaking out...but go into no contact. A month later, the guy sends her back, and it turns out she had 7 seizures in 4 weeks with him because they went on an absolute bender. He didn't even take her to the ER!

 

 

So now she is back in our home town...she continues to drink...gets kicked out of her parents house...stays with someone else...continues to drink...then ends up at the detox again. Her family asks me to step in, and try to talk to her. I end up going to see her. She was shocked and thought that bridge was burned. She gets out a few days later and has no place to stay...I said she could stay with me as long as she makes serious plans to get sober. She does.

 

 

While there, it was initially awkward, though it was just a few weeks ago that she lived me and our dog. Now, day 1 and two pass pretty awkwardly, but then day three we end up watching a movie, and eventually having sex. Day 4, and after work, we are dancing and reminiscing about old times...she kisses me, and we end up having sex 4 times. Now the odd part is...

 

 

She has a stuck fantasy in her head that she is going to move with the other addict to miami. He is on board with this, and his family owns some company so he has quite a bit of money. She would not let up about this, even though when we did it, she told me she was over him and they are done. She even told me she would want to come with me when I move to wherever I end up after my doctorate.

 

 

 

She was texting and calling him while staying with me, and then she finally had to go to rehab. In rehab, she has texted me, but now not in a few days...but she only gets her phone at select days and hours. She said she doesn't know if she wants to see me yet. I get news from the parents and a girlfriend that her plan is to still just wait for this guy to hire someone new, and then he will essentially take her back and they will move to miami.

 

 

You have got to be kidding me. Two addicts, who almost killed themselves once, want to move to the party capital of the world and "do realestate" among some of the largest companies in the world, and will not likely be too welcoming to newcomers...Clearly not thought out at all. It is like a sick fantasy honestly. Like taking a gambling addict to las vegas.

 

 

Now, I am no saint, but I am much more grounded, and am trying to finish my doctorate in Biophysics. I say this only to show you I don't really mess around. I am a serious, but fun person that has a bright future and enjoy adventure and never sit still, a future that her and I had all planned out together until she did this. I am devastated...this was about two months ago since this started...the sleeping together was last week.

 

I am just so destroyed. I am so uncertain. I know it is easy to say screw her and throw her away now...or just run from this as fast as you can. But I do love this person. The things she told me when in the first rehab when she broke off the engagement don't make sense...we would never be happy in the long run, or that we aren't compatible...I mean its not like I didn't try to see things her way over the last two months, it just doesn't add up when reviewing the past years. I look at the actions, and say they speak louder than words. The past year was ups and downs due to her drinking, but we still did great things. I couldn't take trips with her because we were working towards finding her a job while I finished my doctorate (which is at the end of this year!). Its like she went berzerk...

 

I look at it and say many things...one is she is an addict, and what we are seeing, hearing, and talking about is what addicts do when they are not in recovery. She clearly didn't take the last rehab seriously...and I visited her there, it seemed like all was well. She then in the last week broke it off with me...and it just didn't add up. She lied to her friends and family, and took off with this new guy to his home state. That's when the bender occurred. I think it is something called rehab romance, and that she was clearly not serious about recovery, and messed up her whole life due to grandiose thinking.

 

I am simplifying many of the details...but to put it plainly, I am messed up from all this. I try each day to see it differently, but I was so in love with her. She then turns a full 180 and screws her family over, friends over, and me most of all. And for what a junkie addict whos drug of choice is GHB, or the date rape drug! He called me the other night, and was saying he will let her drink again, im thinking are you nuts! And that you can't just tell an addict to quit he says...well thats why he was using on the phone and degraded and forgot his vocabulary as we spoke. Didn't even seem to be too phased by us sleeping together. The guy has money, and seems to be a focal point of his life, I told him that she speaks about getting his money regularly to her friends who speak to me, and it just doesn't make any damn sense...its all some sick rock star fantasy. He comes from family money of some window business, and tries to play it off like he is some bigshot. I told him this isn't a pissing contest and it is about her life, and with him in it, he is perpetuating a toxic thing, and this stupid fantasy so she doesn't take her sobriety seriously. She is just doing it for others, and with him as motivation to run off again. She should be doing it for her, and no matter the duration until she gets the skills to cope with her stresses correctly, and get her own life back on track.

 

I just hope she sees in this rehab that she threw away everything. That she destroyed her life, and that the therapists tell her about this fantasy and that it is extremely toxic for her. I never promoted the drinking, and even stopped my casual drinking all together for 8 months when she was getting worse, trying to promote that we can do it together. He was just a callous *******, who doesn't care that he destroyed our relationship, that he is destroying her family, and putting his and her lives at risk. What a ****ty situation.

 

I am so mentally scarred, I don't even know where to start to just make headway with becoming stable again. I don't know what to do, and have panic attacks throughout the day. It feels like my life is over.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't have any personal experience in dealing with an addict, but I do know that love alone isn't enough to make a relationship meant to be.

[Ataloss85]

Can you expound a bit more by what you mean? From my end or her end, or both ends? Or that I realize that no relationship is perfect and that they take real effort and understanding, and acceptance of the individual?

 

I guess I am just saying yeah it seems like a terrible situation, but I still love her through all this... I know that she would have to come back to me, not the other way around...

 

I’m just all mixed up because I feel there is nothing I can do. Any recommendations? Should I reach out to her, and see if she gets back to me? We were no contact for ~30 days when it first happened. She called and texted me and I didn’t answer. Then her coming back here is when I saw her again. So it’s nkt like we can’t communicate...I guess does anyone think it would help opening communications?

[Ataloss85]

Oh I see. Yeah I know what you mean. I get you are trying to say just being in love isn’t enough.

 

 

Well the same could be said for her distorted fantasy with this other guy.

 

At least we were organic and shared in everything. It just seems more like a brash decision. Any thoughts?

[Ataloss85]

Ps she was the one who always said we are perfect and that we are meant to be. In the third year, she was asking me when I was going to marry her. And I did, and it was a pinnacle point in our lives. Just so damn odd how this unfolded. Hard to take anything she says seriously at the moment. Everyone says that too, not just me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh I see. Yeah I know what you mean. I get you are trying to say just being in love isn’t enough.

 

 

Well the same could be said for her distorted fantasy with this other guy.

 

At least we were organic and shared in everything. It just seems more like a brash decision. Any thoughts?

 

Yes, that is what I mean, that love alone isn't enough. BOTH relationships are not "workable" for lack of a better word. The failure of her relationship with the other guy wouldn't mean a success for yours. She's a poison, sad to say. You are not.

 

Have you tried Al-Anon?

[Ataloss85]

I have actually. Been going since just before this happened. It has been helpful. But I did get sucked back into the hurricane as you can tell because my feelings for her. It is always easier said than done just to walk away...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have actually. Been going since just before this happened. It has been helpful. But I did get sucked back into the hurricane as you can tell because my feelings for her. It is always easier said than done just to walk away...

 

Yup. It definitely sucks how hard life can be sometimes . You can't save her, though.

[Poutrew]

You have done what you can. Actually, you have done much more than you should have. It's tough love, but you need to set her free, even if that means the next time you see her will be at her funeral. There is nothing more that you can do... and even now, it is going to take time for you to heal from the emotional trauma she has caused you. It may be a trite expression, but it is nonetheless true - this is not your circus and it's not your monkey. Walk away and heal...

[SpecialJ]

You can't save her right now. You can tell an addict that they have a problem and hope it gets through to them, but you can't rationally convince them they have to change, especially when you're not a professional. The addict has to want to do that, be sick enough of the painful side that comes with the addiction to want to live a different life for themselves.

 

Not only is she not there, it sounds to me like she needs a mental health assessment. It is not normal to go from being able to hold a job and relationship to being this erratic and manic and having withdrawal that intense within a year. There's something underlying why she feels so out of control and doesn't care enough about herself or her health to take recovery seriously. Maybe she's self-medicating something and doesn't even realize it. I'd hope for someone that rock bottom might be when your health suddenly is showing damage from the negative behavior, but everyone is different.

 

But unfortunately, you're not in a position to help her directly.

 

First of all, she's really, REALLY hurting you, and this is horribly toxic for you. I know it's going to take you time after the breakup to shift your perspective and also changing how you see her (she is not currently the same woman you fell in love with), but you pouring yourself into helping her when she's in this current mindset is going to accomplish nothing other than draining you to the extent you can't help yourself or anyone else. Keep strategizing with her parents and with addiction experts, but I don't think it's good for either of you to stay in direct contact with her or see her right now.

 

Second, she's clearly used to you enabling her. You did while she was spiraling down, by helping her financially and with her employment situation. You delayed the consequences for her, which is understandable as you love her and want her to be happy and healthy. But if she's insisting on destructing and always sees you as a fallback (yes you kicked her out once, but you also took her back in before she was ready to change), your efforts to physically be there for her won't help.

 

A couple things to consider and discuss with her parents. I'm guessing from a couple things here that she's in her late 20s or early 30s. That is an age that certain mental illnesses can surface. Has she been fighting addiction her whole life? Does she have a history of mental illness? Is there a family history? If there is any reason to think that there is an underlying mental component to this, you may be able to look for treatment professionals who specialize in whatever the additional issues may be and know more effective ways to treat everything together.

 

In regards to yourself and the love is not always enough discussion above... she can't take care of herself. That means she certainly can't be there for you or for children if you were planning to start a family any time soon. You have done a lot for this woman already and clearly love her. And I'm not suggesting to abandon her totally, if you are able to still work with her parents to find answers and it isn't hurting you or consuming you to do that. But you do have to consider how it would be to have a life long partnership with this woman whom you can no longer trust. You may have to let go of the romantic partner idea, which will still take you time as you were engaged, and see if there's any other way you can care about her from a distance.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it would help you to get some more time, distance, and therapy on this to help give you better perspective. But it's going to be very painful for quite so time no matter how you choose to move forward, so try to be good to yourself and not feel guilty for making yourself your top priority.