Is there such thing as “bad timing” or is he not that into me?

[citydweller]

I’ve been seeing this guy since August. In the beginning..as most stories go..I was not that into him and he was head over heels for me. He fawned over me, took me out, picked me up from work and grad school, introduced me to every sine friend and his whole family, all of whom loved me. As time passed, I grew feelings for him of course. And perhaps started giving him too much of my time. I did things for him none of his other gfs did. He started calling me his girlfriend on his own and I moved at his pace. I was NEVER clingy and always gave him space. He ALWAYS texted me first, day in and day out. About two months in, he tells me that he feels like WE moved things too fast (the audacity to say “we” when it was all him.”)

 

See...he had just gotten out of a ****ty relationship before we jumped into ours. (I know you’re thinking I’m a rebound, but based on our dynamic, I know I wasn’t. It was just bad timing. We met in person, in the most romantic way, too). So he told me that he felt like he was in a revolving door from one relationship to the next. He said he needs time and space but still wants to be with me. I kind of blew up and said that I’m not the kind of girl who will be with someone who has doubts about her. And walked out.

 

Two days later, he starts texting me nonstop. I mean NONSTOP, begging to see me. Saying he misses me and the conversation was a mistake. He showed up to my home with roses and told me he wants to be with me and that im the best thing that ever happened to him. I made the mistake and kind of fell back into it with him. fast forward two weeks later (one week ago) he TEXTS me saying he’s not ready to give me what I want and that Im an amazing girl who deserves to be with someone who gives her 100% and I have too much going for me. It hurt me so bad. I was FURIOUS, but I responded politely and wished him luck.

 

Two days later, he deleted me on FB..then unfollows me on IG.

 

I did NOTHING..never lashed out, never reached out. I immediately entered no contact after his text. My thought was that he was trying to get a reaction out of defriending me. Either that or maybe he was sad and couldnt look at my profiles anymore.

 

So yesterday, one week after all of this, he texts me saying he’s sorry for how things ended up and that he was scared of how quickly he was falling for me. He said he feels like he lost his best friend.

 

What is up with this guy? Do you buy any of this? I know it’s wrong of me, but one part of me wants him back. I want to continue No Contact and let him feel the loss in hopes he will realize he needs me and wants to be with me. Do you think there’s a possibility?

 

But the other part of me says, a man who truly wants me will never do any of this stuff and will be afraid to lose me.

 

Do you think there is such thing as bad timing? Do you think we have a future?

 

For background, I could feel that this guy had real feelings for me by his actions, the way he looked at me and spoke to me. The way he showed me off to his friends and parents. And i always did things to help him with his career and family, so when he told me things like I’m the best girl he’s ever known and changed his life I felt like he meant it. The sex was always great, and he never showed signs of pulling away. Always texted me affectionate things throughout the day until those two moments of withdrawal.

 

I wonder if he’s just confused and feels suffocated by having jumped from one relationship to another. Or if he’s just not that into me. But if he weren’t, why would he always be trying to come back and showing signs of regret?

[todreaminblue]

he isnt ready to be in an adult relationship he is doing the push pull thing and playing games with your heart ...dont let him.....

 

hold your head high...your tears dry.....say your goodbyes.....do whats right by him and you he has some growing up to do...you do deserve better ......deb

[stillafool]

First you said you weren't really that into him but went out anyway as most stories go. Most people don't date guys they aren't really into. Who has time for that? Second, he sounds conflicted. Maybe he isn't really over his ex yet and Third, NC is to help you get over him not to try to get him back.

 

PS: I read your other thread and I'm sure the problem is that he is still not over his ex. He's trying to move on from her with a lovely girl like you but something triggered him (perhaps contact from her) that set him back and made him realize that he can't fake feelings because he isn't over her yet.

Edited November 24, 2017 by stillafool

[elaine567]

You are the classic rebound.

 

Desperate for love and a replacement for his ex he very quickly moved you into her slot.

He needed you to be "her" so he quickly introduced you to friends and family, it was then a very easy transition for him, he could put his ex and all the heart ache out of his mind.

You felt very adored, loved and cared for, more so that any normal relationship as you quickly became "the loved one".

She was not there and you made a great substitute.

 

BUT he starts waking up, he realises YOU are not HER and so he starts pulling back, you pull back and he then realises he may lose you and be alone so he doesn't really want that, but he doesn't really want this relationship to be "serious" either, as he is just not that sure about you..

 

I guess he is still grieving for her deep down, and you could wait around until he is "ready", but then you run the risk that once he is truly "healed", he will start looking elsewhere and he won't want you...

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I know you said you were sure it wasn't a rebound, but his behavior might suggest otherwise.

 

He went full speed into the relationship like a freight train, then completely backpedaled. Almost like he was desperate to make you his girlfriend and have you fit into that role, only to freak out when the initial excitement wore off.

 

After you cut him off, suddenly he is desperate to get you back in that role with the over the top gestures again, then the cycle repeated again.

 

I don't doubt that he liked you and was attracted to you, but it sounds like his main interest was filling a void left by his previous relationship. It would certainly explain why he rushed things so quickly. Perhaps he just wasn't self aware enough to know that he was doing it for that reason until it was too late.

 

I have no idea if things would have worked out any differently at another time. My guess is, he will either rush headlong into another "serious relationship" in a short period of time, which will show that he still has the same issues he has yet to deal with, or he will slow down and take his time before entering a new relationship, which shows more maturity and growth.

 

Either way, it doesn't sound like it would be a good decision for you to become involved with him again. He knew you were a good catch, just not for him. And he was right, you do deserve better.

[d0nnivain]

Bad timing does exist but it can be overcome if the person is truly smitten.

 

Your guy said he's scared; that may be true. It sounds like he made a rash decision which he now regrets. The problem is you already gave him a 2nd chance, which he has now blown. I don't think he knows what he wants nor is he ready to be committed.

 

I'd take a pass on this 3rd try in favor of dating an actual adult.

[fireflyingaway]

Cut him off. Don't keep playing this game, it's a lesson I wish I would have learned earlier this year.

 

He's showing you who he is and where his head is at. The longer you go, the more emotionally attached you get and the more it will hurt down the line when he still won't/or isn't able to commit. Save yourself the heartache.

 

It stinks, I know, but I'm going through something similar. Believe him. Let him go.

[smackie9]

He wanted you for all the wrong reasons......let him go.

[ChatroomHero]

If you let go of the "why?" and take it for face value, he isn't ready and the reason really doesn't matter. People put their best foot forward early in the relationship, I would doubt his actions suddenly change as the relationship goes on. Whatever his conflict is doesn't matter, his actions matter.

 

 

It's possible your slow warming up came across and he recognized that and maybe doesn't trust you are into him as much as he is into you. I have dated women that I thought were interested where when they say they are having a good time or 'show' interest, other actions at times would show I was option 1A, 2A or 3A. I find the slow attraction compared to other women that were in to me right off the bat, I don't trust the slow attraction much. It's like I think 2 months ago I had to beg to get a date. Now that she is more available to me, is she going to go back to her old feelings of "eh", in 2 more months?

 

 

Just a thought but if he is conflicted for any reason and sensed you were ever conflicted, he might not trust you fully. It sounds like bad timing is a definite possibility and his actions show it probably isn't a great vote of confidence for a relationship.

[mortensorchid]

This sounds very much like a rebound to me. I think you should move on from him. Why would someone be acting like this or ghosting on you if they WANTED to be with you or didn't have some kind of issue about his past?

[joseb]

First you said you weren't really that into him but went out anyway as most stories go. Most people don't date guys they aren't really into. Who has time for that? Second, he sounds conflicted. Maybe he isn't really over his ex yet and Third, NC is to help you get over him not to try to get him back.

.

 

Yes. Most stories don't start with "I wasn't into him, but I went out with him anyway"

 

Him unfollowing you is part of normal no contact.

It's just a pity he isn't doing that with texting too.

 

To answer your question, 100% yes, this is a rebound.

 

You need to block him and move on.

Edited November 25, 2017 by joseb