stillafool Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 To be honest it doesn't sound like either of you are good to the other. You both fight dirty, cheat on each other (except you don't tell him about yours) and don't show love to each other. Perhaps he is bitter from working in horrible conditions to provide the lifestyle you want. I think you need to decide what is more important to you material things or a love you can't wait to come home to. A beautiful house is just a house it's what goes on inside that makes it a home. 2
No_Go Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 (edited) He doesn't need her at all. He sees her for three months out of the entire year and handles all the bills himself. Either one of them can end the relationship at any time with minimal repercussions, but if she leaves, she needs to be someplace where she's guaranteed to be safe. The source for my statement is the February 2017 Pew Research study here. I will not engage in yet another threadjacking about how everyone who is married isn't in love. It's not true, and as much empathy as I feel for you in your situation, it doesn't help to tell people in genuine danger that nobody actually marries for love anyway. Regarding OP: he needs her to maintain his properties. He's hardly home so he really needs a trustworthy person for that. She's involved in his/common business, but that's more minor. He needs a home-keeper - and she's low-demand, and likely also low-cost for him comparing to hiring professionals. I'm saying he won't let her go out of genuine concern - the type of guy he is is not someone who is 'feelings' based, she's meeting his needs and he'd likely *lose his temper* if she attempt to cut it cold turkey. It is extremely risky situation. Her: she's *dependent* on him and has been that way her *entire adult life*. She'll go through extreme shock if they separate, unless she paves her way out, carefully. This s not a day, week or month thing, I'd say the bare minimum is an year (possibly longer), in which year she needs to plan her exit strategy learn a profession that can maintain reasonable lifestyle, strengthen her network, find a secure place to live etc. Thanks for the source - I'll take a look how they build the statistics. I may start a separate thread if it makes sense. Oh, btw my situation right now is pretty d*mn good, thanks, I haven't been that content in my entire life so far:) I think you're very rigid in your definitions for one reason or another - but this doesn't bother me at the slightest because I'm truly happy with the life that I've built for myself this year. P.S. I read the survey: 1 in 3 people according to it marry for financial stability. 1 in 2 - to reproduce. 1 in 3 - for religious purposes... Well, pretty much exactly what I was saying in my last opinion... Edited November 24, 2017 by No_Go extra comment
ktmiller222 Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 "We don't feel anything for each other" That quote sums it up...move on with your life. There are other fish in the sea.... 2
BluEyeL Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 I understand she does have a profession and makes money. It would be a downgrade in lifestyle but it's not like she'll be on the street with no means to support herself. I also assume that since he pays most bills she has nice savings. OP you are young but have no time to lose. Arrange for housing for yourself and leave. Let him know you two are not a match and you're moving on. Go do some individual counseling and learn how to recognize a healthy relationship. You have great chances to find a man to love and who loves you back and at the same time 2with whom you can have common goals for prosperity and building a nice life. To I don't think things are so black and white as to love or practicality . The idea of unconditional love is not a good one and it can make people stay in unhealthy situations. How many times do we hear "he hits me but I love him"; "he's an addict but I love him" etc. So yes it's always some practicality involved in a marriage and it has been for ages even a lot more than it is now, it used to be only practicality. Now it still is a combination of love and practicality in the sense that while you may be attracted to all kinds of people ,in the end you must choose one that you have a good time with, treats you right , and is stable (emotionally, hard worker etc.). I'm not sure what love is according to the absolute love definition. The attachment to a good kind person that you get along with can only grow, while it does transform into something different than the initial chemically driven infatuation. I do think this kind of deep love is a beautiful thing when it works and the partners are compatible. It's nothing like the OP describes, she's into a dysfunctional relationship. 2
No_Go Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 Just her horses maintenance is more than her annual estimated income if I’m running the numbers correctly. If she didn’t mention abuse, I don’t see her situation as any different than the majority of people. Just 2 people coexisting and fed up with each other because it is a relatively long relationship. Well, OP is young and the ‘sweetie’is likely not breathing at her neck while she posts, so she doesn’t know and doesn’t need to use ‘pretty words’ to describe her relationship which many ‘seasoned’ ladies&gentlemen do to keep face. Marriage topic is whole other discussion but it’s laughable to call ‘ring or else!’ based relationships loving...There are marriages based on love - usually between young (18-22) year old people, for the rest... practicality and being able to tolerate each other is the core. But OP situation has a whole other dimension: violence, which doesn’t make it possible to stay in. She needs to build her exit strategy before it gets uglier... I understand she does have a profession and makes money. It would be a downgrade in lifestyle but it's not like she'll be on the street with no means to support herself. I also assume that since he pays most bills she has nice savings. OP you are young but have no time to lose. Arrange for housing for yourself and leave. Let him know you two are not a match and you're moving on. Go do some individual counseling and learn how to recognize a healthy relationship. You have great chances to find a man to love and who loves you back and at the same time 2with whom you can have common goals for prosperity and building a nice life. To I don't think things are so black and white as to love or practicality . The idea of unconditional love is not a good one and it can make people stay in unhealthy situations. How many times do we hear "he hits me but I love him"; "he's an addict but I love him" etc. So yes it's always some practicality involved in a marriage and it has been for ages even a lot more than it is now, it used to be only practicality. Now it still is a combination of love and practicality in the sense that while you may be attracted to all kinds of people ,in the end you must choose one that you have a good time with, treats you right , and is stable (emotionally, hard worker etc.). I'm not sure what love is according to the absolute love definition. The attachment to a good kind person that you get along with can only grow, while it does transform into something different than the initial chemically driven infatuation. I do think this kind of deep love is a beautiful thing when it works and the partners are compatible. It's nothing like the OP describes, she's into a dysfunctional relationship.
stillafool Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 I thought they bought the property and built the house together. If that's the case sell out, take your half and move on.
joseb Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 (edited) Age old dilemma? I can't imagine too many people would entertain something like this just for money, but maybe I'm naive. Do you live in Australia? If so, then you will clean up in court once you two split up. You're financially dependant on him for your lifestyle and living with him as common law partners. You might end up better off than you are now. So just leave and take your money and have your cake and eat it. Not sure all that will make you happy. But you definitely will be happier for getting away from this horrible arrangement. Edited November 24, 2017 by joseb
Mystyry Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 I have been in a "stay and get married, because it's convenient and you've been together for a long time" or "go, because you know it's just not right and you hope this isn't all you can expect out of a relationship" situation. My situation even did not involve any fighting or violence. We actually had quite a few things in common. It was just not love, the feelings got stale with years, we were very wrong for each other for a long-term partnership. So I left. It hurt so much, I won't lie to you. We never became friends and haven't spoken in years. Sometimes something, like this thread, would remind me of him, and every time I wish that he is well and that he found peace and contentment, and happiness. I hope he did. I am not married and dating, and finding my way towards my goals even today. I haven't regretted leaving this relationship once. FWIW, OP. 2
MJJean Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 You've mutually amassed a bit of wealth. Your relationship is shyte. If you marry and then divorce, the lawyers will probably end up with a sizable chunk of that wealth. So, it's actually impractical to marry this man. 1
Author lovevspracticality Posted November 26, 2017 Author Posted November 26, 2017 Your help has been wonderful everyone, in trying to gain some perspective. I have been stubborn as hell telling myself this was okay, as good as it could get... until tonight. I snooped on his phone and saw his browsing history. Brothels upon escorts upon meetups. I haven’t confronted him yet but I will the moment I can find the perfect moment, but that was the final nail in the coffin. Getting myself tested too, because this has gone far past “indiscretions” into absolutely unforgivable territory.
Chilli Posted November 26, 2017 Posted November 26, 2017 You both sound very cold and mechanical about the relationship or more like arrangement really. even the way you talked about it it was more a contract or business prospect or something than any relationship thing. So l don't really get why there'd be any surprises he looks around on the side you probably do too, even if just subconsciously, your not a couple anyway, he'd be well aware of that and the way your thinking. Anyway , sounds like a miserable future to me pretending but seems your so good at building together though maybe you could both just call it what it is and be business partners finish this property for you then build another one for him somewhere else and have your own private lives and living set ups. Another 5 yrs you'll both be set for life and probably married off or in love with other people, win win.
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