girlinNYC Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 I've fallen for my friend. It's that simple. We've been friends for up to a year now and we've always had a good bond. I've really enjoyed the time we have spent together, but out of nowhere the feelings have hit me. I'm thinking straight, I have never been so sure of my feelings before. I've always been a big believer in being friends first, getting to know their family etc at a 'friendly' level first as I think it builds a solid foundation of respect and ultimately then trust. There is less nervous energy associated with that too I think. However I'm experiencing the dilemma that most friends who catch feelings face, do I tell him how I feel or play it safe and say nothing for the sake of not making things awkward? I would hate for him to think differently of me or for it to ruin what friendship we have if it isn't the right time. I also don't want to forever be thinking 'what if' - you only get your answer if you ask, and you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I get that too. Wise people out there, what's the best route to take? My gut is telling me to tell him. But advice is welcome.
kassy Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 Tell him. If he's a great guy then if he doesn't like you he'll be kind and try and not let it ruin the friendship. In 6 months you'll be back to just normal friends. If he isn't a great guy then you will also see that side of him. If he does like you, fantastic! If he doesn't, then you can stop pining over him and move on to date men who are interested. Can see a downside personally. Could it be awkward and uncomfortable in the moment, sure. But that's hardly the end of the world. Good luck 2
Author girlinNYC Posted November 23, 2017 Author Posted November 23, 2017 Tell him. If he's a great guy then if he doesn't like you he'll be kind and try and not let it ruin the friendship. In 6 months you'll be back to just normal friends. If he isn't a great guy then you will also see that side of him. If he does like you, fantastic! If he doesn't, then you can stop pining over him and move on to date men who are interested. Can see a downside personally. Could it be awkward and uncomfortable in the moment, sure. But that's hardly the end of the world. Good luck Thank-you! He's been flirty so it's led me to at least be hopeful there's interest (without being too hopeful of course.) I could never be just his friend, long term anyway as it would be too painful if he didn't know and I saw him with someone as a result of not knowing how I feel. So I think that leads me to my original gut feel of telling him. It's the reality after all. Thanks for the reassurance that it isn't too weird to express haha
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 As much as I view myself as a direct person when it comes to telling a friend your feelings have grown, I have always been a chicken. Instead of telling my friend when I was in this position, I hinted, I beat around the bush & I escalated the flirting. It always worked in the sense that it brought the issue to a head. Once it lead to a 10+ year relationship 1
Author girlinNYC Posted November 23, 2017 Author Posted November 23, 2017 As much as I view myself as a direct person when it comes to telling a friend your feelings have grown, I have always been a chicken. Instead of telling my friend when I was in this position, I hinted, I beat around the bush & I escalated the flirting. It always worked in the sense that it brought the issue to a head. Once it lead to a 10+ year relationship I've never been the most direct person, and I've never told a guy how I feel so it's a little out of my comfort zone. I do want him to know how I feel eventually but you make a good point though, what are some ways to escalate flirting in the meantime? Without sounding tacky? Compliment his clothes, hair, etc? I'm bad at this
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 Compliments, touching, being cheeky just be flirty. Lots of staring into his eyes, some manipulating situations so perhaps he has to slow dance with you.
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 Perhaps it's my age and being older and wiser but at this point in my life, if I want something or someone, and my gut aligns with my feelings then I'm all for going after it. When it comes to trying to turn a good friendship into something romantic, you do run the risk of rejection and making things awkward moving forward but I still think some things are worth the risk. Go for it! 2
Shining One Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 A friend once indicated her interest by hitting me with her bra. That was a sign that even I understood. 2
Author girlinNYC Posted November 23, 2017 Author Posted November 23, 2017 Perhaps it's my age and being older and wiser but at this point in my life, if I want something or someone, and my gut aligns with my feelings then I'm all for going after it. When it comes to trying to turn a good friendship into something romantic, you do run the risk of rejection and making things awkward moving forward but I still think some things are worth the risk. Go for it! Thanks Michelle. And I agree, I’m 24 so I’m at a point and mindset now where I owe it to myself to give myself every opportunity. Especially given a relationship with him would be a dream as the foundations are there via being friends. Nobody wants to die wondering. How do you know if it’s your gut or just wishful thinking? My ‘inner voice’ is saying do it but I guess my brain is playing tricks on me by questioning that. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted November 23, 2017 Author Posted November 23, 2017 Compliments, touching, being cheeky just be flirty. Lots of staring into his eyes, some manipulating situations so perhaps he has to slow dance with you. Got it. Thank you, very practical
Author girlinNYC Posted November 23, 2017 Author Posted November 23, 2017 A friend once indicated her interest by hitting me with her bra. That was a sign that even I understood. Left field tactic. I like it
mortensorchid Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 I read all these things about those who take risks and chances. You only live once, go for it, etc. What do I tell you about this? I'm a woman, like you. I also have had a string of lovers in my life. And after having been stung and burned and hurt many a time over from those from all walks of life, I am gunshy of others. THey find some reason or excuse as to how and why I am not right for them or why things can't be done. Everyone tells me constantly I am fishing in the wrong pond. I'm not telling you that YOU are, or that there's anything wrong with this guy but ... If you take this risk and tell him that you like him, get ready to be stabbed if and when he does not reciprocate. I'm getting more and more bitter and cynical as I get older, I find, but that doesn't mean it won't happen for you or someone else. I hope you make the right decision. 1
Highndry Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 I think you owe it to both of you to let him know, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of it when you do, ie. "I need to talk to you about something." That can creep a person out. You should flirt with him and put yourself in his space, see how he reacts. Give him some hints, he'll come around.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 If you chicken out, you could ask him if he has ever thought about you as more than just a friend? If he says no, brush it off quickly and say me neither and change the subject. However, if he says yes, maybe or asks you why, just tell him you had been "thinking", and leave it at that. If he is interested, I'm sure he will take that as a green light. I don't know if I could ever be that passive, but I have seen other women attempt it with varying degrees of success. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted November 24, 2017 Author Posted November 24, 2017 I think you owe it to both of you to let him know, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of it when you do, ie. "I need to talk to you about something." That can creep a person out. You should flirt with him and put yourself in his space, see how he reacts. Give him some hints, he'll come around. I’m still working on how I’m going to start it in terms of what to say ha, but will definitely amp up the flirting as I haven’t flirted much. He has more than I have. I’ll keep at it and stay consistent.
Author girlinNYC Posted November 24, 2017 Author Posted November 24, 2017 If you chicken out, you could ask him if he has ever thought about you as more than just a friend? If he says no, brush it off quickly and say me neither and change the subject. However, if he says yes, maybe or asks you why, just tell him you had been "thinking", and leave it at that. If he is interested, I'm sure he will take that as a green light. I don't know if I could ever be that passive, but I have seen other women attempt it with varying degrees of success. I don’t mind that approach either! Definitely less nerve wracking than straight up telling him I like him, although the direct approach is probably the best way with men generally because they don’t always read between the lines. 1
clia Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 Is this the same guy you've posted about before, or a new guy?
Highndry Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 If you chicken out, you could ask him if he has ever thought about you as more than just a friend? If he says no, brush it off quickly and say me neither and change the subject. However, if he says yes, maybe or asks you why, just tell him you had been "thinking", and leave it at that. If he is interested, I'm sure he will take that as a green light. I don't know if I could ever be that passive, but I have seen other women attempt it with varying degrees of success. I don’t mind that approach either! Definitely less nerve wracking than straight up telling him I like him, although the direct approach is probably the best way with men generally because they don’t always read between the lines. I don't like that approach. Saying "me neither" is disingenuous and counterproductive to the whole exercise. The point is for him to know that you like him. With this approach, he may not be willing to share his feelings right away, worried he'd ruin things. It would be better, even if he said "no" to just say, "ok, just wondering" or something. Then, if he asked you the same thing you just act a little shy, maybe blush and try to change the subject.
KBob Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 I don't like that approach. Saying "me neither" is disingenuous and counterproductive to the whole exercise. The point is for him to know that you like him. With this approach, he may not be willing to share his feelings right away, worried he'd ruin things. It would be better, even if he said "no" to just say, "ok, just wondering" or something. Then, if he asked you the same thing you just act a little shy, maybe blush and try to change the subject. I agree. Making your feelings known to him is opening yourself up. Walking into it with the preparation for brushing off a "no" is closing yourself off; it would be counterproductive. If he says no, take it like a woman and realize it's not meant to be, but I'm crossing my fingers for you that he says yes!
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 I don't like that approach. Saying "me neither" is disingenuous and counterproductive to the whole exercise. The point is for him to know that you like him. With this approach, he may not be willing to share his feelings right away, worried he'd ruin things. It would be better, even if he said "no" to just say, "ok, just wondering" or something. Then, if he asked you the same thing you just act a little shy, maybe blush and try to change the subject. Totally agree. This whole "me neither" scenario was played out on a recent episode of the sitcom "The Middle." 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 I agree with what you are saying. Like I said, it wouldn't be my how I would approach the situation. However, for someone who is not as confident at putting themselves out there, and afraid of ruining the friendship by confessing their feelings, this gives them an opportunity to test the waters without the same risk. Also, if the guy says no, when he actually means yes or maybe, I would consider that just as disingenuous and counterproductive in that situation. "Ok, just wondering" is a good option if she wanted to leave the door open. However, if she was concerned about risking tension in their friendship then "Me neither" shuts it down quickly. Not everyone is a risk taker so I was trying to offer advice with that in mind. Good luck OP, however you decide to approach it. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted November 25, 2017 Author Posted November 25, 2017 Is this the same guy you've posted about before, or a new guy? Posted about him before I started to focus solely on being friends as I wasn’t willing back then to add another element to the friendship as we’d just met. I thought he was attractive but I was trying to ascertain if it was just infatuation or genuine like. Suppressing whatever I felt for him only resurfaced so now I’m at a point where I’m on board with letting him know, but obviously the reservations about making things awkward if it’s the wrong time have come up. In summary!
Author girlinNYC Posted November 25, 2017 Author Posted November 25, 2017 I don't like that approach. Saying "me neither" is disingenuous and counterproductive to the whole exercise. The point is for him to know that you like him. With this approach, he may not be willing to share his feelings right away, worried he'd ruin things. It would be better, even if he said "no" to just say, "ok, just wondering" or something. Then, if he asked you the same thing you just act a little shy, maybe blush and try to change the subject. I hear you. I think the main thing is that he knows how I feel. Whatever happens beyond that is up to the universe really. Because I care about him as a person, romantic feelings aside, I don’t want to see us end up with a wasted friendship because that could happen if he feels awkward about it. It’s happened before when I didn’t reciprocate how a former best friend felt and now we don’t speak (I don’t blame him for it) - so I’d hate to see the same happen. It could also be the best thing I do since he’s been showing interest. The decisions!
Author girlinNYC Posted November 25, 2017 Author Posted November 25, 2017 I agree. Making your feelings known to him is opening yourself up. Walking into it with the preparation for brushing off a "no" is closing yourself off; it would be counterproductive. If he says no, take it like a woman and realize it's not meant to be, but I'm crossing my fingers for you that he says yes! Thank you! I hope so too since he’s been displaying interest for a little while now. It’s all a lottery at the end of it all, taking a gamble and seeing if it pays off. What I would hate more than anything is for us to not end up speaking, I’d rather him in my life as a friend than nothing at all. One of my former best friends told me how he felt about me, unfortunately I didn’t feel the same and now we don’t speak by his choice. I understand and it is what it is, but I don’t want that to happen here. Hence the caution. It’s scary in light of that but I know opening up has to be done.
Author girlinNYC Posted November 25, 2017 Author Posted November 25, 2017 I agree with what you are saying. Like I said, it wouldn't be my how I would approach the situation. However, for someone who is not as confident at putting themselves out there, and afraid of ruining the friendship by confessing their feelings, this gives them an opportunity to test the waters without the same risk. Also, if the guy says no, when he actually means yes or maybe, I would consider that just as disingenuous and counterproductive in that situation. "Ok, just wondering" is a good option if she wanted to leave the door open. However, if she was concerned about risking tension in their friendship then "Me neither" shuts it down quickly. Not everyone is a risk taker so I was trying to offer advice with that in mind. Good luck OP, however you decide to approach it. Thank you, and I completely understood what you were saying. There’s no right or wrong way, it’s all up to personal preference. I’m not super confident with the direct approach as it’s unknown territory however I think it’s the most sure fire way to put my cards on the table. I have fears as I’ve lost a best friend over me not reciprocating his feelings (as I’ve posted before) so the risk of that in this case scares me. But given I like him I owe it to myself, it could pay off too.
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