Have you done this to someone?I'm lost.......

August 20, 2005

I posted this on another forum and would like some additional thoughts. Especially if you've done this to someone.

I'll try to make a long story short. I started seeing this girl early Oct. of last year. We hit it off instantly and fell for one another. After about 5 months we began to have a lot of ups and downs. We broke up; I wanted to work it out but it didn't happen. It was painful and contact broke off. About a month and a 1/2 after breaking up I'm feeling better and moving on.I began talking to other women etc.Then out of the blue she resurfaces. We begin talking and hanging out w/ one another again. I was reluctant @ 1st because she's a heart breaker but I was happy she was back in my life.

Since she came back into my life we've been in a "grey" area. Were not bf/gf but doing all the bf/gf things. Stay @ one another's house, go out together, sleep together etc. It's been stormy @ times and amazing other times. During this period we both claimed to see no one else. Recently we started becoming closer than ever, through disclosures and a few very emotional moments. We were getting along well and talked about the possibility of living together. Then she tells me she loves me for the 1st time!! Sounds exciting, huh?

A week after she says this................nothing.-she says very little and doesn't want to see me. The few things I could get out of her were "It's nothing you did...""I don't know what I want".etc. Then she cuts off all contact......for what?This is 3-4 weeks ago now. I've tried to contact her a few times early on but didn't hear anything back. I have to be strong and not call but I imagine I'll break down eventually.How can someone go from hot to cold in an instant? I've heard of people turning up the heat when they are having second thoughts to see if that person is the "one". A test?This could be a cycle with her the 2nd time around lasted about as long as the 1st. I've got to be the biggest fool for even wanted to hear from her. My life is like the twilight zone.

I know there is a connection between her and I. I was head over heels for her from the start. I was always there for her and treated her well. We were getting serious again; maybe she got scared?Is it fear of commitment? She has got some personal issues and maybe overwhelmed? Maybe she found someone else and can't face me?How can someone one who holds your heart turn on you and disappear w/ hardly a word?I do love her and would like to see us talk @ some point. I realize most people on this site use the blanket statement of NC for everything. Thats what I'm doing but is it always the answer? I'm not down on myself about this I know I was good to her. I'm not going to wait for her or call her every second. I feel defeated by this right now. I know there is nothing I can do. I just want to understand. I have a strange feeling this drama is not ended.........I've heard every theory and piece of advice you can think of. Its hard to believe that I may never see her again and I don't even know "why". I'd rather go through almost anything in this world then deal a broken heart. It is the worst....

Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation?What was the outcome?

Has anyone ever done this to anyone?Why?

Comments/advice?-thanks

August 20, 2005

As the king of the "dumped" (27 x's strong and counting), I can honestly tell you that the

reprieve you had with her was merely a comfort zone period where she needed

someone to be with, however at the same time she was looking for new action.

I'm sorry she said the "L" word to you, I guess people throw that thing around like

some old shoe, not knowing what consequences that it will have in the future.

I used to get " I //heart you" emails which are pretty meaningless. I hope you move on

and forget her. I bet you lost some weight too, well thats kewl too, now you must look slim and trim.

August 20, 2005

Hail to the king-

Wow 27 x's , I thought I had it bad. Not that long ago she said "you make me feel comfortable". So there you have it. We'll see what happens when she wants comfort again. I hope I can resist. She has a way with me....................damn it. I didn't lose any weight . I'm trim already!

August 20, 2005

Man I'm sorry your going through that **** like I am. Except this is the 5th time she has dissapeared on me. Yup I am way passed the second time. Best part is that 4 out of the 5 were because she left me for the same guy. Oh ya.... I am the most retarded ****er walking this Earth. Same thing, I treat her great agev her everything she could ever want. I bend backwards for mer while giving her a song and dance just to please her. Still the same bull****.... she says she loves me, then dissapears for a week or two with that guy, then comes back to me. I am stupid enough to take her back, then she gets tired of me then bounces... the whole time shes telling me she loves me but "she cant deal with her feelings." Ya she left me a week or two ago for that guy, and she lived with me for 4 months. The last month was in the grey area..... then she but the last week was awesome!! She was soo cool and she was talking about the future with me... then we walked to the store and when we got hom she walked outside with her cell phone.... she came back in and told me Mike (the other guy) was on the way to pick her up. Dude, we made love (Well, atleast i did) that morning and she told me that he was picking her up just like someone says "It's a nice day out." My advise may not mean much considering that I should talk my own advise... but if shes done this twice already, theres a good chance there will be a third, fourth, and if your like me and brain dead, and 5th. Damned, I would probably go for a 6th if I wasn't off to Iraq next week. Im sorry to hear that your in that situation man. Good luck to you.

August 20, 2005

oh and as for the weight thing like he said above: I used to weight 210 lbs when she first dissapeared. I am down to 180 Lbs. and that wasn't more than a year ago.

August 20, 2005

These posts are almost making feel good about my situation. At least the 1st time she left I knew it was coming. This disappearance thing has a sting to it I can't explain. I don't know if I could let her back in without conditions. The 1st time I gave her a clean slate. I don't know much of anything about what happened? Could be someone else or she just flipped. 5x's that is bit too much. Seems like she has no respect for you what so ever. Plus you have to go to Iraq!!WTF.............I'll never understand relationships and they pain they cause. From the outside looking in I should be the one running and disappearing. Everything is backwards in my world.

August 20, 2005

My world is backwards, upside down, and sideways....

August 20, 2005

She sounds very much like a person with manic-depressive disorder. The only experience from other people I know that fits in with your story are the ones with bipolar people. Do an online research. Her manic phases seem to last for a few months and she disappears when the depression takes place. Very, very typical. How old is she? She might already be diagnosed this disorder. It's a very difficult mental illness.

August 20, 2005

Sorry, but she doesn't sound manic to me. She sounds insensitive to your feelings. Up & down is no good.....no good for the heart, the body, the mind, or the spirit. Women who treat men like that give the good ones a bad rap ---- grieve this and get over her. She doesn't sound good FOR YOU, never mind, TO YOU. A person can create 80% of your heaven or Hell----which place do you want to be?

August 20, 2005

Recordproducer- I was hoping you would respond to one of my posts. U Would not believe how many people suggest a disorder when told this story. I've often thought it when I was with her. Others that know her have said the same thing. She drinks a lot(self medicating). Her mood swings would be 1 min to the next. When she came back into my life a 2nd time the hook was "I want to get my life together" but shortly after she started slowly sliding down. She is 23 yr and never been checked for this. She has shut me out so there is really nothing I can do. If this is the case I worry about her hitting some sort of bottom. She has even acknowledged that there could be a problem. I stuck by her through all her craziness and she knows it and has even thanked me for it. I'd be there for her if she'd let me but I've been shut out. One of our last conversations she said "are you sure you want to break down these walls w/ me, do you really want to go there?".I think a disorder could be a factor but I really don't know. I feel my hands are tied at any rate. She always caused me a lot stress but I still love her.(sigh)

A person can create 80% of your heaven or Hell----which place do you want to be?

I like that!

I guess I want heaven with her but It's not possible. I feel like she should run to me and not from me . Everyone tells me she's not that one for me...........I'm stupid I guess.

August 20, 2005

Originally posted by karatekid
1. I've often thought it when I was with her. Others that know her have said the same thing.

2. She drinks a lot (self medicating).

3. Her mood swings would be 1 min to the next. When she came back into my life a 2nd time the hook was "I want to get my life together" but shortly after she started slowly sliding down.

1. Where there is smoke, there is fire!

2. Mentally ill people are prone to abuse of drugs and alcohol because of their instability.

3. This is also very typical for manic-depressive disorder.

You can help her by making her go to the doctor and supporting her emotionally. If she refuses to go just tell her that if there's nothing wrong with her, she will find that out from an expert. Offer to go with her and talk to the psychiatrist. Bipolar people are NEVER aware of their disorder. Remember that. You could also talk to a therapist and see what they tell you. I am not a doctor and I can't state any diagnosis for sure. It's not her fault whatsoever. She needs medications and therapy. It's chemicals in her brain that make her like this.

August 21, 2005

I would support emotionally and do all the things you suggest, I'd stick by her no matter what.You have to realize she will not talk to me right now. I haven't tried to contact her for a while and I'm not sure its my "call" at this point. I know it's not her fault, that is why I've been so patient with her in the past. I believe a disorder could be one of many factors. I've never had a person break off like this. I just have no idea what I can do. I was there for her and would continue to do so. When it comes down to it she is a great girl and I think the world of her.However, I'm at my wits end and what were talking about is just a guess.

August 21, 2005

Ck-I read your other posts. Sounds absolutely brutal.Your case sounds much worse than mine. My self-esteem has taken a hit but I'm still going.She is the one that blew it with me. She has issues and "chaos" is her middle name. I think I was the only stability she had. She took me for granted. I'm still in shock over the whole thing because we were becoming closer than ever. Then it was done like it never even happened. I have a lot to offer her or anyone else. The good times were great w/ her. Sometimes it was all I ever wanted. I am still head over heels for her and that makes me angry at myself. I wonder if she misses me or thinks about me. I wish someone would treat me the way I was to her. I go from horrible sadness to bitter anger.........aaaahhhh. I just want to rip my hair out. I can't believe I'm not valued enough by her to be spoken to. Remember from my point of view I'm the good guy here. I can't get any sort of explanation, even if it something I don't want to hear. I've lost a lot of faith in relationships now. There is rarely a happy ending.

August 21, 2005

Originally posted by karatekid
Ck-I read your other posts. Sounds absolutely brutal.Your case sounds much worse than mine. My self-esteem has taken a hit but I'm still going.She is the one that blew it with me. She has issues and "chaos" is her middle name. I think I was the only stability she had. She took me for granted. I'm still in shock over the whole thing because we were becoming closer than ever. Then it was done like it never even happened. I have a lot to offer her or anyone else. The good times were great w/ her. Sometimes it was all I ever wanted. I am still head over heels for her and that makes me angry at myself. I wonder if she misses me or thinks about me. I wish someone would treat me the way I was to her. I go from horrible sadness to bitter anger.........aaaahhhh. I just want to rip my hair out. I can't believe I'm not valued enough by her to be spoken to. Remember from my point of view I'm the good guy here. I can't get any sort of explanation, even if it something I don't want to hear. I've lost a lot of faith in relationships now. There is rarely a happy ending.

To me, it sounds like Record Producer is right, perhaps she is bipolar. Also, you mention that you two were getting closer and closer and then she ran away. She doesn't want you to know the real her because if you do and don't like her, it will kill her self-esteem. I'm not making excuses for her but she is not relationship material. I feel that she might know she isn't and that she'd rather protect herself and her twisted mind, than to allow you to rip her heart out of her chest. <<-Though it's not true and you probably would not do something like that, it is probably her way of thinking. Your situation sounds like a few of mine.

If she leaves, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or that you were not the right guy for her. If she left you and started dating someone else, it doesn't mean that you were not good enough or that she was looking for someone better. Just think if she isn't relationship material, and she gets with someone else, she will end up doing the same thing to the next guy. She gets with a new guy because her feelings are safe...you don't have to give much in the beginning, but trust me, as the relationship grows, she won't be able to cope and the new guy will suffer the same fate as you. So, sometimes there is nothing you can do...my ex is bipolar (it was very difficult; I had to prove myself to her every other day), and two of my close female friends are too. All three are having similar problems in their lives and are either on an unbelievable amount of meds or drink themselves to death.

To get through your situation, you will just have to keep in mind that she just isn't RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL.

August 21, 2005

Originally posted by ck_guy02
Your ex is just like mine..

You don't know if that!

Karatekid, there is so much you can do. If she doesn't want to see you, she doesn't fully trust you. You can't make her trust you. Wait until she calls and then try to help her by taking her to the doctor.

It's true what Fundamental said that bipolar people don't like to be seen in their real light. My BF had a wife who is bipolar and she still comes back to his life and disappears with no announcement. But they are just friends, they got divorced like 15 years ago. He is the only person in the world that she fully trusts.

Unfortunately it's true that they are not relationship material but your relationship will grow naturally to the point where you will realize that by yourself. Just don't do anything stupid like propose to her. Do you know about cases in her family like mental diseases, suicides, drug abuse or alcoholism?

August 21, 2005

Some of the things that I read on these posts are eerie. They remind of things said or done. She made a reference in the past about me not knowing the "real" her. I beginning to wonder if anyone is relationship material, including myself? I would never hurt her, she has to know that by now."I'm not good at relationships" is another thing she said. I know she'll do the same to someone else. I'm probably one of the the few people thats ever been serious about her. It did feel like I was always trying to prove myself to her. I tried to make her feel comfort and cared for. I KNOW all the advice and statements I read here are correct. It doesn't make it any easier.I feel today is going to be a bad day. Next week is going to be hard I'll have a lot of free time which is unusual, plus its my b-day.I just want to find a cave and hide.

Why wouldn't she not trust me?Last time she left there were a variety of factors that lead to us talking again. I really don't see it this time. She is very proud and stubborn. I'm sure by now this is all my fault in her mind. So I don't think she'll call. Would you if you were her? What would she say? I 've thought about calling her but WHAT would I say? has it is merits but its a double edged sword in this case. If contact does happen I will encourage her and help anyway I can. Don't worry, I won't be proposing or doing anything dumb like flowers or letters. I seems like to much to ask but I just want to see and talk to her. There is some drug abuse or alcoholism in her family. A lot actually, I think she'll hit bottom at some point and want help. Her mom is on meds but I'm not sure for what. She also has an abuse issue from her childhood that she is not dealing with. Without telling the details it explains a lot of her behavior towards me and maybe men in general. I think it is easier for her to run from me and her problems. When the going gets tough she runs from everything. The short time I've known her, life has been a series of stops and starts for her. Yep, she is a mess. She knows I'll be there for her, I guess whatever troubles she's having I'm not needed. I'm surprised -sometimes that it lasted as long as it did. Losing hope....... If I called and left a message would there be harm in that?Yes probably...........f-it.

August 21, 2005

Originally posted by karatekid
1. I beginning to wonder if anyone is relationship material, including myself?

2. Why wouldn't she not trust me?

3. Would you if you were her? What would she say? I've thought about calling her but WHAT would I say?

4. She is a mess.

I'd like to comment these points. We are all full of faults. Some people more than others. Some are cheaters and liars or gamblers or bad parents and we can't live with them. Some people have issues. But people with manic-depressive disorder are ill. Mentally ill. Think of it as a disability. I don't go to the gym, I am lazy. But a handicapped person doesn't go, because he can't move his legs. I can get up and go. He can't.

Your girlfriend is not capable of controlling her feelings and behavior. Her mental abilities are different than yours. Or mine. I can't tell you what I would do if I were her, because I am not bipolar and she doesn't know what she is going to do either. You see her in her manic phase and she seems wonderful, happy, full of energy, she loves you to death, and would do anything for you. Next moment she crashes down and doesn't want to see you. She makes promises she can't keep.

This disorder gets worse and worse if not cured. If she is bipolar, she will probably never be okay. But you should make her go to the doctor. She needs professional help. Why don't you just show up at her door and perhaps talk to her parents about it?

August 21, 2005

this post was double

August 22, 2005

I understand that she is not in control and may even view her thoughts and actions as normal. Deep down I know she is a good person. She is very sassy and abrasive but this her defense against others. Really she is afraid and vulnerable. Your right she doesn't know what she going to do anymore than I do. If her and I do talk, I think just about "anything" could happen. I agree she could use help and she doesn't have insurance. On top of everything she works as a bartender and drinks on the job etc. I will try to help if the opportunity is there. I don't know if I could just show up at her home or whatever. It may seem like I'm a stalker. I know there are ways I could force contact but I think she would be hostile toward it. Her parents do like me but I don't how to go about that approach. I am thinking of just leaving a short pleasant message and she if she'll respond. Something that is not confrontational. I haven't spoken to her in a month now. Maybe its time..........maybe not. I feel like I'm damned if I do or if I don't. I like your advice................you seem to offer a different take on things than most of what I've read on ls.

August 22, 2005

karate kid,

Again, Record Producer brings up some excellent points... take her advice. However, going to her house uninvited might be a bad idea. When she is in her manic phase, she might be greatful for you showing up unannounced. Catch her in her depressive phase, and you are dead meat. Perhaps, you can call her parents instead. If she picks up, just chat with her instead...just light talk.

She may not trust you because she does not trust her emotions. If she is bipolar, she is seeing many different versions of you as well as many different versions of herself...she doesn't know what to believe. So, you can be the most trusting man in the world and it's not going to make a difference. I'm still dealing with a situation similar to yours and everything has been done for at least five months now. We were friends for a few years, then dated for a while...it didn't work because she was making me miserable and I was becoming evil due to her problems so she forced the end. At first I did not understand why she would want to end things. I realize now that even though I love her, it's the best thing that could ever happen.

I know the advice on here isn't going to ease your pain, but maybe it will help you understand that you are not alone. Granted each situation is unique, but I see some of the same patterns with these bipolar people. ...that's if she is bipolar

I thought I could deal with a bipolar girlfriend...I wanted to prove that I could handle and help her with anything. In the end, I realized that I could never be enough... no matter how patient, trusting, friendly, loving, caring, understanding .... it takes so much more than that... so, what you do is probably never going to be enough, but don't ever look at this situation as a failed one.

August 23, 2005

I will not go to her house or anywhere she may be uninvited. I may try to talk to her Mom but it'll be tough to reach her when th ex is not around. I'll call here and there and see what happens. I do want to help even if were over. I believe I'm in the "time will tell" stage of this. She would make me miserable at times but I know it wasn't her intent. I believe she she is bipolar or something. You realize you only get part of the story here on LS. Almost the whole time I've known her people have said this about her. She and her family are aware that something is not right but I don't think anything will be done.

I wanted to prove that I could handle and help her with anything

That is how I always felt and still do. I could never understand why she would want to leave either. Like you said the things I've done and would do are probably never going to be enough. I guess I need more time and separation from this;to see clearly. I guess I'll just see what happens.Thanks-

August 23, 2005

Great posts here and all seem logical yet are we not concluding that someone is "bipolar" a bit too quickly here. Couldn't it be that she just does not feel the same for you as you do for her. Let me tell you that breakups like this happen everyday and you are not the only one going through this. If it makes it easier on you to walk away, go ahead and blame it on her being bipolar..........Karate......she is not the one confused at this point...she has made a decision and hopefully will stick by it. You are the one confused as you are still attempting to rationalize this rather than realizing that things happen in life and you roll with the punches the best way you can. Some might say that you are the one being "bipolar" here .

August 23, 2005

Yeh my ex was a manic depressive too .. she was never happy and everything stressed her out, she was always tired etc etc....

She'd say she was tired from work and it was so hard .. even though i had to get up at 6.30 to drive her to work and then go to work myself at 11.30 ... but i created alot of stability in her relationship and i wouldn't care because .. i mean . you can be tired but you can always sleep later, you don't have the option not to do your job or not get up in the morning and do everyday stuff.

But did you ever think that maybe shes really scared that you bring her such stability, she wouldn't know she didn't have it until you gave it to her, maybe thats why shes confused, she doesn't want to feel emotionally reliant on someone, thats harder to give up than your love i think, because your propping yourself up with someone elses asset that you really should have yourself.

Im just guessing .. but again i could be completely wrong ..

August 24, 2005

Maybe everyone is bipolar! I never said that is why she left or that bipolar is the case. At the very least she has abuse issues from the past, severe drinking habit, and erratic emotions/mood swings. Call it whatever you want. Her friends, family and even her seem to be aware of this. So I didn't make up this story to suit a preconceive idea like "my girlfriend must be crazy to leave me". This is not behavior exclusive to our relationship its in every area of her life. I personally believe it is multiple factors that lead to her leaving. Could be a million reasons. Yes, these things happen. I'm rolling with punches just find but I think I have a right to try and understand my situation.That is the reason for my post. I have hope for her and us, but I'm sitting around waiting for her or perusing. I'm confused no doubt, what is wrong with that?

August 25, 2005

But did you ever think that maybe she's really scared that you bring her such stability, she wouldn't know she didn't have it until you gave

That could be a factor. She has made comments like "I feel I can never live up to you" and "I tend to latch on to strong people and end up making them weak. " I'll always be there for her but I doubt I'll ever hear from her. Its all really sad. When she realizes the grass isn't greener or that she wants a "stable" relationship(or life) and is willing to work for it--- it will probably to late for us.

Sign In

Have you done this to someone?I'm lost.......

Recommended Posts

karatekid

fatcat

karatekid

WhatShldIDo

WhatShldIDo

karatekid

WhatShldIDo

RecordProducer

Prettyinblack

karatekid

RecordProducer

karatekid

karatekid

fundamental

RecordProducer

karatekid

RecordProducer

RecordProducer

karatekid

fundamental

karatekid

upsetnhurt

celticguy

karatekid

karatekid

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...