Rachelmarie Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and as with any relationship, we have our ups and downs. However, this summer i found out that when we first started dating he and his ex (who is now married to his brother) exchanged a drunken kiss and when I first confronted him, he denied it. After like 2 minutes of arguing i got him to admit it. but since then I just have that weight over my head and He's a great guy, the only great guy i have dated, and I don't want to lose him. But at the same time every time he mentions her name I get pissed. So i really don't want that either. has anyone else experienced anything like this and can give me advice? I'm so torn. Has taking a break helped anyone? we rarely fight, but it has been hard for me to let this go.
Highndry Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 Define "when we first started dating" in DETAIL.
Author Rachelmarie Posted November 23, 2017 Author Posted November 23, 2017 2 months in. To me even though it's early it doesn't matter. He lied about it and if we were official there is no excusing it and he knows i feel that way.
Highndry Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 You have a right to be upset. Lying is not ok, nor is the kissing. I feel a kiss that early on can be forgiven, if I try to put myself in your position, but only you know in your heart what is and is not a dealbreaker. FYI- I HATE CHEATERS. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 The problem here is that you will never be able to avoid her completely, and neither will he. She is his sister-in-law and a family member now. So as long as you two are together, and attending family functions, she will be a part of that. It will likely only continue to get more solid as the years pass, if they have children and your boyfriend becomes an uncle to her kids. No, I don't think taking a break will resolve anything. What would be your objective in doing so? It won't change what happened and it won't change your feelings towards her. All you can do is decide whether you can forgive this and trust him moving forward. If you can't, and many couldn't, you need to leave this relationship behind you. 1
basil67 Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 Taking a break isn't going to make this go away. You need to decide whether or not you can let this go. If you can't let it go, then you will need to end the relationship.....or else it will eat you alive. 2
PegNosePete Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 as with any relationship, we have our ups and downs In my experience, when someone says this, they have a lot more "ups and downs" than most relationships. He's a great guy A great guy who cheats on you with his brother's fiancee? Sorry, I think you need to look up "great guy" in the dictionary! Number 1 on the list of how to be a great guy is don't cheat on your girlfriend, and number 2 is don't get involved with your brother's fiancee!!! Personally if I were you, I'd dump him. Taking a break won't achieve anything good here. He can never take back what he's done and you will always be reminded of it when you see her or hear her name. If you can live with that then maybe you can continue the relationship but you need to talk it through and he needs to be open, honest and remorseful. 1
Author Rachelmarie Posted November 27, 2017 Author Posted November 27, 2017 I don't believe I need to look it up in the dictionary. I meant what I said. I suffer from multiple mental illnesses. He has been the ONLY person in my life to help me through them and take the time to make things better and not criticize me for it. The reason why I mentioned a break is because the good outweigh the bad by far but I am just confused as to what to do in this situation. I was thinking maybe space to myself to breathe and think without any outside influences. Maybe it would be a good opportunity for him to review as well? I have complete access to his phone which I don't use anymore (only used briefly after i found out) but i still have total access. He is definitely a wonderful man who has been there 1000% for my daughter (who he loves as his own, even though biologically she is not his) and myself. He made a drunken mistake (as a lot of people do). He also has been doing everything he can and has put in a lot of work to EARN my trust back. But the issue still stands, which is why i wanted opinions from anyone who would know somewhat about what this is like.
rubyjuly Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 I don't in my own beliefs feel a break ever helps... but you know yourself and relationship best. I have heard of people taking a break and some people believe they can help and others like myself don't think it's the answer-- I would work on the relationship or break up. To me a break is just avoiding and prolonging
PegNosePete Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 the issue still stands, which is why i wanted opinions from anyone who would know somewhat about what this is like. Well, you're dismissing out of hand, the opinion of anyone who doesn't tell you what you want to hear. So I'm not sure what you're looking for, exactly. He is not a great guy. A great guy doesn't cheat on you. A great guy doesn't sleep with his brother's fiancee. He may have done good things for you in the past but that doesn't mean he is a good partner for you today. 1
sdraw108 Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 A great guy doesn't cheat on you. A great guy doesn't sleep with his brother's fiancee. I may be wrong but the way the OP worded it, I got the impression she was his ex and THEN she got involved with his brother (which actually makes the brother's behaviour a little odd in this situation).
central Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 I think this relationship is a disaster in progress. He lied - not surprising. He may also have feelings for his ex. And, she'll now be his and your sister-in-law. Does he still even talk to his brother? Family events will tense situations, possibly forever, if his family still gets together. I doubt that it is worth the effort.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 I may be wrong but the way the OP worded it, I got the impression she was his ex and THEN she got involved with his brother (which actually makes the brother's behaviour a little odd in this situation). That's how I interpreted it, too. OP, can you clarify? In any event, OP, I am not sure what you want to hear. Many hear advised you against taking a break (as opposed to just ending the relationship) and called him out on his less-than-stellar behaviour. But now you are defending him and singing his praises. I get that he's not all bad, but you are clearly very upset by this revelation so you can't be too surprised that posters here share your feelings. Take a break if you want, but I still don't see how that will solve anything. What is it you want him to review? What's done is done, he can't change that. You say he's been trying to make it up to you, so I am not clear what it is you want him to do or say that he hasn't already done or said.
d0nnivain Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 There is no such thing as "a break". You are either dating or you are fully broken up. I agree with basil67. Taking a break will make things worse. What will happen is on this break he will be with somebody else & once you find out he'll say he was allowed because you are on a break & then you will not be able to deal. You fix a relationship by working together. This can't be fixed because you can't undo it. So you either need to make peace with it & find a way to be civil to this woman because she's family now or you need to walk away. In your shoes I wouldn't want the daily reminder. I'd pick break up.
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