My_Torn_Soul Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 I have been a member of love shack for quite awhile but for obvious reasons have decided to take on a new screen name. I am not even sure where to start, thinking back on how this whole situation got started, I sit here puzzled but at the same time filled with complete love and adoration. About 6 months ago I begin working for a man who I have known for several years now. He is a bit older than myself, eleven years older to be exact. He is married to a woman two years my senior, they have two sons and once again she is pregnant and three months away from giving birth to their third child which is also a boy. I attended her first ultra-sound with her in which she was informed the sex of their baby. I have known both of them for almost the equal amount of time, well when I met him he was single but some where along that time he met her and they were quickly married [three months after they met she informed him she was pregnant so they quickly wed. this followed their brief 3 day fling and 1.5 months of being in different countries]. I don't consider her and I too be friends but because I work for her husband we are friendly. About 3 months ago he and I went to a bar [me believing we were to meet up with more of our social group] and despite the brewing feelings I had for him and knowing honestly that I was in love with him, I did not think he saw me that way even though I caught him on several occasions staring at me and making comments joking about me being his second wife [these jokes were made to his wife who did not take it wrong or hard nor did she become upset] nor did I believe him to be a cheater and I did not think he saw this as a date. Well as it ended up, it was just the two of us and neither of us became intoxicated to the extent of being drunk but we each had two beers. We decided to leave to go to another club [or so I thought] but the I could feel the undeniable chemistry growing between us. Once we reached my car, he decided to drive. We got in and he asked where we were going [which club] and I told him wherever he wished to go, I would be fine with that place. Looking into my eyes he told me all he wanted to do was spend time with me alone, some how the words "me too" stumbled out and we kissed. I will spare the details of the rest, though no we did not become intimate for awhile [about 1.5 months into the affair]. Long story short we are now in this affair, I'm involved with his brother [not physically but by means of letters and phone calls] and it just came to light [but he is unaware] that his wife has feelings in the romantic way for his brother [the one i'm corresponding with]. This whole situation is so weird for me. I've never been an OW and I thought I never would be. I don't know how to re-act or how to feel or even basically what to do. We had a wonderful night, he wouldn't stop telling me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. We see each other every single day and I love him as much as he loves me, probably more. Thing is, I never want to take him away from his family, I don't want him to leave his wife. I will most likely marry his brother and he will continue in his family as is now. We have both agreed that we want to be together but how we are now, an affair to continue as long as it runs it's course. I don't know really what advice I am seeking, I guess I needed to express myself to someone and be able to spill my feelings out somewhere. Oh yeah one more thing. He has begin telling his friends [our friends but people who rarely socialize with his wife] that he loves me. Hugging me in front of them. This has began to worry me because by no means do I wish for them to have problems nor for him to leave her. By the way, this isn't about sex. In the three months we've been together we've only had 3 sexual encounters despite the fact that we hug and kiss and spend time together every single day. We do everything together and spend way more time together than him and his wife [which she is perfectly happy with (or so it seems)] Well thank you all for listening.
bebe2000 Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 I kind of just had a reverse expierence, but I cut it off with the guy I was fooling around with- I love my fiance too much. I don't know how you feel so much on your end- but I think maybe this (married) guy is unsure about what he wants. He got married so qiuckly, w/out even really knowing his wife-not only that she's pregnant with his child too! He must be so overwhelmed, spending time with you takes him away from that responsibility- he does not have to think about it, it's not in his face. I think part of the reason I fooled around was just the stress of the wedding and nerves, being with that other guy was exciting and relaxing. This has been going on for quite awhile b/t the two of you. If this relationship of being the other women is getting to you, I mean if you are feeling guilty, you really need to stop seeing him- if you don't you're gonna hate yourself later. And honestly don't you feel you deserve more? Maybe this is about your self esteem and your own issues with commitment. Being the "other person" saves you the trouble from ever really having to seriously commit to anyone. Really think about what you want-it kind of sounds to me that you've had enough- sneeking around is only fun for a little while before someone gets hurt-don't let that someone be you. Good luck ! I wish you the best in your desisions.
newbby Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 yeah marry the brother. i mean if the wife is married to him and wants the brother, then the brother has to be the better catch.
In Too Deep Posted August 20, 2005 Posted August 20, 2005 We know your thinking about yourself, and that isn't a slam it's a reality of human nature, we're selfish but there are few other people that need to be considered here: two children and one on the way (um, one is an accident...two more sounds planned and not so unexpected, huh?), a wife who is living in ignorance (if she really wants the brother shouldn't she know she has the freedom to pursue it, since MM wants to pursue you - and really are you so sure that isn't a ruse set up by MM to alleviate his and your guilt?), and a potential mate for yourself (the bro who doesn't know about the games going on and could get caught in the middle of it - would you like to be married to someone just because he wants to be near someone else?). So, the count is up to five people whose lives will be changed by you and MM's choice to hide this great love affair. I'm really, really not trying to be harsh but harsh is exactly what this situation is becoming. Your feelings right now seem like they are not a choice but they are a choice. MM has choices too and he's choosing to hide behind his family obligation in order to avoid losing what he has and also have what he wants too...you know the phrase "cakeman"? He's being a cakeman. Do you want to be a cakewoman? That is what you'll be if you involve the brother. Don't do that, please. That would just make an already sticky situation worse. My biggest advice, since you seem like a person who is most likely a loving and giving person, especially to others, love yourself first. Love yourself enough to leave them all behind and find someone you love and can freely love you back. You deserve that, we all do. You do not have to settle for anything less, so why should you? Wouldn't you want to openly share your love? Wouldn't you want to have children with the person you love? Wouldn't you want to be able to talk freely about your love and love life and not have to sensor yourself? Wouldn't you like to enter a relationship without guilt? I know love doesn't feel like a choice. I know that very well. But I can tell you now, you can choose to love yourself more. When you love yourself more, you save others pain. You deserve to not feel that pain either because living a lie is the worst kind of betrayal you can commit against yourself. I hope your situation improves. Just remember the power to make it better is within yourself. Trust yourself, love yourself, and act on it. I dearly hope this wasn't to harsh and upset you. I just truly hate to see someone hurt so badly and not think they can't control it. I dearly hope you see yourself as more valuable than to be a secret and to have a tragic love affair when you can have a happy one.
Author My_Torn_Soul Posted August 22, 2005 Author Posted August 22, 2005 We know your thinking about yourself, and that isn't a slam it's a reality of human nature, we're selfish but there are few other people that need to be considered here: two children and one on the way (um, one is an accident...two more sounds planned and not so unexpected, huh?), a wife who is living in ignorance (if she really wants the brother shouldn't she know she has the freedom to pursue it, since MM wants to pursue you - and really are you so sure that isn't a ruse set up by MM to alleviate his and your guilt?) Well of course I am thinking of myself, his brother, his wife/kids and MM. NOT only myself for I am fully aware that our affair/love affects way more than just the two of us. First let me clear a few things up MM did NOT tell me about his wife's feelings for his brother, in fact he is clueless to any of this. I've gained this knowledge through direct contact with her/him. She does not (in a sense) have the freedom to pursue his brother since clearly she's married and has a family with MM. I'm sure she feels stuck as well. No by no means were his children accidents especially NOT 2nd and now 3rd, what a retchid thought!!! I never said her pregnancy was planned -OR- unexpected. I know they are still intimate and never have I ever been naive enough or blind enough to believe he wasn't still involved on every level with her. In no way has MM attempted to deceive me, I'm very aware of their relationship and the dynamics and lack of affection on her part, (this is something I wish not to get into). I do feel guilty, who wouldn't?!?! In a sense I respect his wife and I fully respect his family role/obligation! He is a wonderful loving and completely involved father! I would never want or want him to want a seperation from his family. In several discussions we've had, he's admitted to wanting to leave his W in order for the two of us to be together openly but honestly I do NOT want that!!! I don't want him to remove himself from the home where his son's need him and see him on a daily basis! I don't wish to have him 100% of the time, I am not naive enough to think that a relationship starting out in this way has any chance of really surviving nor am I interested in giving up the relationship {in the future it will be a marriage} to his brother and I don't wish to have him hurt his wife in the way of abandoning her!! Though him and I have great chemistry and are in love, I show him the love/affection (aside from sex) that she does not...sexually they are not lacking and as I stated before our relationship is NOT a real sexual one. Honestly I don't honestly see our relationship ending anytime in the near future and as for involving the brother in this, well he is involved and honestly once he's {here} with me/us I will no deceive him further by being intimate with two men {MM and his brother} but that won't be for another year or so. {this isn't really relevant though} Basically I know it sounds dumb for me to post about this since I'm not really having a major dilema but I do in fact feel somewhat bad and though I know neither of us are looking or ready to let go of each other or what we have right now...I felt the need to seek advice/opinions on my situation.
aloneinTX Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 but since no one in this group can be trusted maybe try the "swap" deal..........2 women.........2 men sounds like heaven Some folks have that lifestyle, give it a try.
lynnspies1 Posted August 22, 2005 Posted August 22, 2005 Originally posted by aloneinTX but since no one in this group can be trusted maybe try the "swap" deal..........2 women.........2 men sounds like heaven Some folks have that lifestyle, give it a try. YUCK Lynn
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