Frazzle Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 My girlfriend's coworker is starting to worry me. Their offices are right next to each other so they talk everyday. Apparently, they also talk through the wall without even having to leave their own offices. People at work have mistakenly thought that they were together or joked about something more going on between them. They are friends outside of work and I am ok with that. I am not overly possessive or anything. However, I've only met the guy once at a work event. They hang out outside of work from time to time. I know they've gone hiking a couple of times with another coworker or go out to eat. I believe they've only gotten dinner together once outside of work with just the 2 of them. That bothered me but it only happened one time. However, they get lunch at work with just the 2 of them fairly often. My girlfriend even lets him taste her drink from her straw and he does the same. She said that it is only friendly and that she shares her drinks with her friends too. But she also does it with me and I'm her boyfriend! Me and my girlfriend go out every weekend so it's not like she's neglecting me. We always have a great time when we're together. However, I get the nagging feeling that she's having an emotional affair with her coworker. Am I just overreacting or is there more than meets the eye with them?
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 She is over stepping her boundaries, and you need to address them with her. She may not realize how inappropriate her actions are. I get it, I have lunch with male coworkers occasionally, and maybe on the rare occasion go for a beer after work, or go to a concert as a group...these people I have known for many years. I wouldn't do this with a new coworker. You need to point out she is being way too chummy with this guy. Place an example for her and say "Now if I did this with a female coworker, how would it make you feel?" I'm sure once she realizes this is a mistake on her part she will tone it down. If she gets very defensive, it's too late....she's way too into him, and you may have to cut her loose. 1
iVisa Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 It depends. I have lunch with male coworkers every day. For me, it's normal to have male friends. And yes, we drink a beer from one glass.
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 You want to see that behavior take a 180? Talk to another girl. Take her to lunch and share a drink together. Like Emeril Lagasse says, BAM! If she doesn't react, you got your answer. You are just not as involved with each other as you think you guys are.
HumanMachine Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 Go with your gut instinct. My money is on AT LEAST emotional..
Author Frazzle Posted November 22, 2017 Author Posted November 22, 2017 It depends. I have lunch with male coworkers every day. For me, it's normal to have male friends. And yes, we drink a beer from one glass. So it is pretty innocent to share a drink?
kassy Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 It depends, does she have other guy friends? I have guy friends. I have even been on holiday with them. We have known each other for ages and are not remotely interested in each other. If we were we would be dating. If I had a boyfriend who couldn't handle me being friends with those guys then that would be an issue. However, I don't do things with them that regularly my boyfriend is always welcome to join (as are their wives) and I always make sure any new boyfriend meets my guy friends fairly early and gets to know them and our dynamic well. We clearly have very non-threatening relationships as I've not had a boyfriend be concerned after getting to know them. I think maybe you suggest you spend more time with him too so you can guage the relationship for yourself. It's totally impossible to judge the situation without meeting them. Although I don't actively try and find new male friends and would feel uncomfortable hanging out one on one with a guy I haven't known forever without my boyfriend or a large group. If he's just a friend then she should have no problems with you getting to know him better. If that bothers her then you really have something to worry about . I'm not saying it isn't an emotional affair, I'm saying it's hard to tell based on this information
JEG88 Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 Definitely sounds like he's your girlfriend's work-husband. Explain your concerns to your girlfriend in an honest, genuine, calm manner. I've had a relationship happen from regularly having lunch and hanging with a coworker. (We were both single so different circumstance, just giving my experience.) I'm not condoning paranoia, per se, but you shouldn't try to suppress your gut instinct either. She should be willing to compromise with your concerns if she still cares for you as much as you make it sound. (And if she doesn't care for this male coworker as well.) If she gets defensive like a previous poster said, you've lost her.
snowboy91 Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 I don't see a problem with any of the behaviour OP describes. There shouldn't be a problem with having friends of the opposite sex, and lots of people do it without any hint of interest from either person. For the record I think sharing a straw just implies comfort with the other's level of hygiene. As kassy mentioned, it's important to get to know the guy - he's a part of her life so she shouldn't have a problem with him being part of yours. You'll be able to gauge their dynamic and work out if there's really an issue. Although if, as you say, she still puts a lot of time into the relationship I don't think there is a problem.
RecentChange Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 Definitely sounds like he's your girlfriend's work-husband. I agree. And honestly, I have always carefully avoided these types of relationships. Not good for my professional career nor my love life. My husband and I are a bit unconventional in that we allow flirting and other behaviors that other couples won't.... But we do not tolerate extremely cozy relationships like you have described. Dinners etc with just the two of them? I take it they are both single? (Well whoops she isn't) - is he? His wife / GF is cool with him going out to dinner with a woman? Just the two of them?
RecentChange Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 So it is pretty innocent to share a drink? It depends.... Sometimes I will share a drink "hey try this it's really good, try a sip" and it's quite innocent - but it can also be a flirting move for sure. With my boss? Platonic - try it boss man! You'll like it! Guy I am flirting with - it is good, would you like a sip of mine? *Grin, eye contact, take a sip then hand it over*
Ruby Slippers Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 I would never be cool with my boyfriend doing any of this, and I would never do it while in a relationship. It's normal to develop a fondness for coworkers you spend a lot of time with, but those feelings shouldn't be acted upon. I have a few "work boyfriends", guys who are extra friendly and try to spend a little more time with me than they need to for work purposes, but even though I'm single and some of them are, I don't let it go beyond friendly office chatter because it's not professional.
iVisa Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 So it is pretty innocent to share a drink? Yes, sure. I never thought this can be a flirting move... For example when I only want to drink a swallow of something and I don't want to buy a whole glass.
kendahke Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 People at work have mistakenly thought that they were together or joked about something more going on between them. How do you know this? Do you work for the same company? They are friends outside of work and I am ok with that. I am not overly possessive or anything. However, I've only met the guy once at a work event. They hang out outside of work from time to time. I know they've gone hiking a couple of times with another coworker or go out to eat. I believe they've only gotten dinner together once outside of work with just the 2 of them. That bothered me but it only happened one time. However, they get lunch at work with just the 2 of them fairly often. My girlfriend even lets him taste her drink from her straw and he does the same. She said that it is only friendly and that she shares her drinks with her friends too. But she also does it with me and I'm her boyfriend! Me and my girlfriend go out every weekend so it's not like she's neglecting me. We always have a great time when we're together. However, I get the nagging feeling that she's having an emotional affair with her coworker. Am I just overreacting or is there more than meets the eye with them? Something is going on even if it isn't a full on emotional affair. Does she hide any of her interaction with him when she's not at work? Like does she call/text him and he her and she hides it or leaves the room to answer him back? If so, then yes, something is afoot. If she doesn't, then it's not that, but she's dancing mighty close to the precipice of this and it's messing with your comfort level. I don't know what to tell you about how she conducts herself at work--I highly doubt the company is going to move their offices just because her boyfriend has a problem with it. There really isn't anything you can do to make her stop talking to him through the wall or going out to lunch with him, so you're going to have to either figure out a way to be comfortable with their interaction or bounce and find someone who doesn't treat with her male coworkers like this. If you can't find a way to be comfortable with this, then that's going to lead to this relationship breaking up--it all depends upon how quickly and painlessly as possible you want to get there.
Highndry Posted November 24, 2017 Posted November 24, 2017 (edited) This is my opinion only, but you've just highlighted why I think friends of the opposite sex are a very poor idea for relationships, and a slippery slope. It's hard for any of us, you included, to ascertain whether or not anything inappropriate has happened, or will happen, though sharing a straw and going to dinner outside of work would bother me. But none of that matters, because it's already bothering you and that's the real issue. She has a relationship with another man which is already causing strain. If you mention this and she gets defensive, the strain is worsened and now the relationship is taking a hit. Where do you go from there? A slippery slope indeed... Edited November 24, 2017 by Highndry 1
ktmiller222 Posted November 25, 2017 Posted November 25, 2017 I would address it in a calm way. Make sure you state how you feel. It would be hard to eliminate the lunch part (a lot of co-workers go to lunch together) but maybe you can say anything after work hours, you want to be part of. Her reaction would tell all: if she is cool about it, great! If she flips out, that's a red flag and maybe you should fish for another girl. Good luck!
Author Frazzle Posted November 25, 2017 Author Posted November 25, 2017 I would address it in a calm way. Make sure you state how you feel. It would be hard to eliminate the lunch part (a lot of co-workers go to lunch together) but maybe you can say anything after work hours, you want to be part of. Her reaction would tell all: if she is cool about it, great! If she flips out, that's a red flag and maybe you should fish for another girl. Good luck! I think there's a big difference between them going with a group of coworkers and going with just the 2 of them.
carhill Posted November 25, 2017 Posted November 25, 2017 Find some time to discuss what your views on monogamy are. Ask her how she feels about that. Ask for her views. Everyone is different. I've known plenty of women in life, married women, who can have intense emotional involvements with men without ever considering them attractive or wanting to be with them in the partner sense. They love the intimacy. The guy is merely the vessel. They don't see the intimacy as inappropriate so for them there is no slippery slope to an affair. Of course, other women, and men, may view things differently. Spouses often have! I found this to be especially tricky with bi-sexual women in a hetero marriage, as female friendships are generally accepted as more intense, for lack of a clearer description, then those allowed with men. Physical affection and love is more accepted. I saw this among my exW and her female friends daily. Do what works for you in your relationship. If your views can find no middle ground that leaves both partners satisfied and feeling positive about the relationship, move on. Remember, relationships are collaborative efforts. No one is a dictator and the other a subject. Good luck!
mortensorchid Posted November 25, 2017 Posted November 25, 2017 I doubt this very much. I've been out with guy friends and I don't think of myself as having an "emotional affair" with any of them. Things are all business with me, but it's others around me and him that seem to think otherwise.
BluesPower Posted November 27, 2017 Posted November 27, 2017 Yes she is at least having an... Emotional affair with the guy. What is more, you know that she is. And yes, odds are she is sleeping with him. Why are you being wimpy about this. Dust her yesterday. And please do not say, "How do you know that?"....
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