Separation, Divorce, Dating, Etc.

[jcm 800]

I know there are probably a million threads on here about this, but I created one because I was hoping to discuss/vent about my current situation. This may get long...

 

I am just coming out of a 17 year relationship in which I was married for 13 of those years. We have no kids. The marriage had been falling apart for about 10 years, but really fell apart last year around this time, although we finally threw in the towel in April. My ex had unresolved substance issues, abandonment issues because of her parents' divorce, and likely had BPD (my therapist, who also knew her, said that she shows a lot of the signs of this). There was rampant emotional abuse from her end, as well as manipulation, and lying for 13 years about an indiscretion that took place. This left me skittish and beaten down.

 

I left in April, and moved in with family in my hometown (where I hadn't lived for 25 years) for five months while we got a separation agreement done, sorted the finances, and sold our house. All of the papers are filed, house is sold, and the divorce is just about final. I just finally rented an apartment not far from where I grew up last month.

 

I felt like I was ready to begin dating early last month. I hold no bitterness for my ex, in fact, I hope she's OK. I'm not interested in being her friend, but I wish her no ill will. I posted a couple of online profiles, got a few hits, but nothing really went anywhere. I did manage to interact with someone or about a month via message and we went out a few times

(here's the thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/639147-first-first-date-17-years), but that ultimately didn't work out. I expected some nerves because I hadn't dated in so long, but what I wasn't expecting was to totally clam up and have trouble speaking, and for "triggers" from dates that remind me of my ex and send me back into my shell.

 

I'm thinking right now I may cool it with the online dating, and just enjoy getting to know myself and my new life. I still have my online profiles up, but I'm not really doing much with them. Having said that, I know that a lot of the nerves, etc. will still be there when I do decide to start dating again. Those of you who have been through divorce, what did you do? Should I just push my way through everything now, or wait for a bit? As I said, I feel like I am ready to date again, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for the whole game of it.

Edited November 21, 2017 by jcm 800

[Ieris]

I'm thinking right now I may cool it with the online dating, and just enjoy getting to know myself and my new life.

 

I would do this.. build yourself up before going back into the dating game.

[Ami1uwant]

Are you even ready to date????

 

usually being ready to date is based on relationship length, how it ended, any trauma/stress with it, and how much you are tied to your ex.

 

meeting people is fine....just dont try to find a new relationship. If it happens---great, just dont hunt for it.

 

You tell them you are just separated or recently divorced they will back off from you because you arent ready.

[rightondude]

hey dude, divorced after 9 years (13 years total) here. My advice: Hang out with friends, rediscover/better yourself, etc

 

Doing so will give you more to talk about on your dates. I bet you clam up partly because the only thing going on is you being divorced, being in a new town, etc...there's only so much and so long you can talk about that.

 

If you're still nervous there's a BP med called propranonol that's used for public speaking. It can help you not sweat, shake or stumble when you speak. I'd only recommend that as a last resort though because it can kill your bone.

 

good luck brother

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I followed your other thread, and I'm sad to hear that it didn't end up working out because you sound like a great guy.

 

I don't really have any advice about what you "should do." It's fine to take a break, and it's also fine to try to dip your toe in the dating pool however you see fit. I don't think you have to "push yourself" to do anything at this point, though. Being single can be pretty amazing.

[carhill]

Taking a break is healthy IMO but don't wait too long 'cause those skills get rusty. However, if you never lacked for dates or mates before getting married, it's more likely once you get back into things it'll just flow so in that case take whatever alone time you need to recover. Mates will be there when you're ready.

 

TBH back when I got divorced the cost of that plus EOL care for my mom nearly bankrupted me so I literally couldn't afford to date as the women of my demographic have certain expectations. That may not be an issue for you. It's always something

 

No worries though, it'll work out eventually.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

TBH back when I got divorced the cost of that plus EOL care for my mom nearly bankrupted me so I literally couldn't afford to date as the women of my demographic have certain expectations.

 

Yikes!! So sorry that happened to you .

[jcm 800]

I followed your other thread, and I'm sad to hear that it didn't end up working out because you sound like a great guy.

 

I don't really have any advice about what you "should do." It's fine to take a break, and it's also fine to try to dip your toe in the dating pool however you see fit. I don't think you have to "push yourself" to do anything at this point, though. Being single can be pretty amazing.

Thank you. I still get bummed that it didn't work out too, but that's part of why I started this thread. I fell kind of hard kind of quickly, and I want to be myself, but I don't want to invest that much and get hurt like that again. I also noticed that I was letting my fears get in my way, which is part of why I was clamming up and acting the way I did. She's a really cool lady too. I doubt it will happen, but I may hear from her again sometime, I may not.

 

I have been really "pushing," mostly because I am still getting reacquainted with my new surroundings and lifestyle. I do have a few close friends that I grew up with that are still in town. They have some women friends that I also know from when I was growing up. I don't know them really well, but well enough that they recognized me when I came back and I'm Facebook friends with them. I've been nervous around these women as well, (I am attracted to one of them, and she also has an online dating profile.....), and they are also good friends with the lady that it didn't work out with. I'm thinking I would rather just see if something evolves organically at this point.

[jcm 800]

Are you even ready to date????

 

usually being ready to date is based on relationship length, how it ended, any trauma/stress with it, and how much you are tied to your ex.

 

meeting people is fine....just dont try to find a new relationship. If it happens---great, just dont hunt for it.

 

You tell them you are just separated or recently divorced they will back off from you because you arent ready.

 

I do feel I'm ready. I also worked with a therapist during the whole separation process. I spoke to him about wanting to date again, and after grilling me pretty heavily, he agreed that I am ready. I may only be out of my marriage for a short period, but I checked out of it years ago. Loyalty is all that kept me there. I only discovered this when I got away.

 

FWIW, the lady I did interact with online last month was totally cool with my status. One of the main reasons it didn't work out is that she is still not totally over her ex. That was obvious to me as soon as we met in person. Really nice, great woman, but it was clear from her body language that something wasn't right. I have been blaming myself for it, thinking that I caused it not to work because I was so nervous and shy. That may have played a part, but she continued to try and find a way to make it work, and when I stated my intentions to her after a month, she said she was in a weird spot, and just plain not ready to be dating.

[jcm 800]

I also think my insecurities have gotten the better of me. I've always been a bit on the heavier side; not huge, but chunky, and had long hair and a full beard. Well, I lost a bunch of weight, am now clean shaven, and have a short haircut. I still see my old self though. This was always there; I felt like this before my marriage, so it's one of those things that I'm still having a hard time getting past.

 

I was one of the first people that the woman I went out with contacted when she put her profile up. I know she contacted me on her first day, and commented on that I was handsome. Let's just say she is not ugly; she was beautiful in her pictures, but even better looking in person. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she was interested in me. These types of insecurities are what are killing me at the moment.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I also think my insecurities have gotten the better of me. I've always been a bit on the heavier side; not huge, but chunky, and had long hair and a full beard. Well, I lost a bunch of weight, am now clean shaven, and have a short haircut. I still see my old self though. This was always there; I felt like this before my marriage, so it's one of those things that I'm still having a hard time getting past.

 

I was one of the first people that the woman I went out with contacted when she put her profile up. I know she contacted me on her first day, and commented on that I was handsome. Let's just say she is not ugly; she was beautiful in her pictures, but even better looking in person. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she was interested in me. These types of insecurities are what are killing me at the moment.

 

Believe her!

[jcm 800]

Believe her!

Yeah, that's the hard part.....

 

I think more than anything I just have to figure out what the hell I'm looking for with my new life.