whatwhit Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 I met with the man on Tinder actually December of 2016. We never met due to him being bad a texting, and couldn’t ever get a firm date in place. Fast forward less than a year later, and a few rematches with him on different apps along the way we met in early October, and have been dating non exclusively since. He’s 37 and I’m 30 - from the get go he’s told me that he feels like he’s still single due to his job. He’s a basketball coach so particularly during this time of year he mentions how he’s extremely committed to his kids, passionate about his job, has a really hard schedule that most girls can’t handle, and it’s really hard to plan things at times. With basketball season now starting, we still talk everyday and I still see him about twice a week. But I can see why other women had a hard time - his practices have ran late which cut into my plans. I’m also beginning to learn that he’s not the very best at communicating and shuts down anytime I try to bring up something serious. So yesterday was our kind of coming to Jesus moment. I really like him and I feel like I’ve been doing pretty good with his schedule - not freaking out about him being late or not able to plan. And yesterday after him canceling plans last minute - and me asking if everything is ok just due to a string of things I’ve noticed lately ( less sex ( which I know is mostly due to scheduling I think ), him being distant, Saturday he cancelled our plans short, and then yesterday forgetting he had to watch another team play ( which was true cause a mutual friend told me he really had to do this ) it was only normal to be concerned. He told me that he feels like I deserve someone who can give me the attention and emotional stability that I deserve, and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. That he hasn’t even had time to think about anything relationship wise. He told me he likes me - but he doesn’t know if they’re feelings yet. He was like do I care about you? Yes! am I attracted to you? Yes! Do I have a fun time when I am around you? Yes! Do I think you’re a good person? Yes! But that he’s 50/50 on everything. Wanting to work things out because of the things he said above and that I’ve proven to handle his job: schedule well, but no cause he feels bad every time he has to call me to cancel plans and what he said the first time. And I was like do you think you could possibly see anything with us in the future? He told him he thinks so. He says he would be able to be more invested after the season. So after everything was said and done I was just like can we just continue to do what we’ve been doing and just figure things out? And we agreed with that. Just don’t really know how to act at this point? Should I give things some space and let him come to me while date other people? Cut him off completely? It’s just frustrating me that he’s writing things off due to what he assumes I feel like. I ask him if I make him happy - he said for the most part yes I do. I told him if I felt like I couldn’t do this I would leave. And to worry about how he feels and let me worry about how I feel, and he said that he couldn’t do that. I don’t think another girl is in the picture, he promised 100% - told me he doesn’t have time and his friends told me he’s not that kind of guy. Just don’t know what to do here. Be kind and appreciate the feedback!
basil67 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 Just to clarify: You're 100% Ok with his limited availability, poor texting and late cancellations?
Author whatwhit Posted November 21, 2017 Author Posted November 21, 2017 Yeah I mean I’m a pretty independent person I feel like. Late cancellation no, not really a fan of - and not because I don’t get to hang out with him but more so, because it cuts into my plans. I could’ve done something/ planned something else in the meantime.
basil67 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 Yeah, so here's the thing: he's telling you loud and clear that he's not going to change. And I think that he's also aware that his late cancellations are inconsiderate. But apparently they are unavoidable and he doesn't want to be the inconsiderate boyfriend. He doesn't want to feel bad but doesn't want to make changes either. He's not in the head space for a relationship and he's got enough self awareness to tell you where he's at. Let him go gracefully.
d0nnivain Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 You & this guy are not on the same page. He does not want commitment. If you are OK continuing as is or the situation actually getting worse as the season gets going & basketball becomes he primary focus, stick around. Otherwise listen to him. He's trying not to hurt you but he will the more attached you get. 1
smackie9 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 "He told me that he feels like I deserve someone who can give me the attention and emotional stability that I deserve" <<this right there is him telling you he isn't interested. All that other stuff is him pacifying you...not promises. Yes cut him off and move on. 1
Mx12345 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 I think the other thing you need to consider is the fact that you are not exclusive. Your post makes it seem like you are really into him; meaning you would put up with the late nights and cancelled plans because you like him enough. Its one thing for all this to happen when you are exclusively dating. Imagine when he starts to date other women (if he isn't already.) How much LESS time will you get? Youre seeing him twice a week assuming hes only seeing you. If he starts to see someone else as well, you may be looking at once a week or every other week. I think you should move on, his loss.
Author whatwhit Posted November 22, 2017 Author Posted November 22, 2017 Thank you everyone for the replies. It just sucks - I know I’m romanticizing something that isn’t there. Thinking of all the past positive things of this whatever you want to call it courtship. I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday which is unusual - when I left his apartment he told me he would call. So I guess he’s ignoring me now. I suppose the right guy won’t cause me so much anxiety or shut down when a serious topic gets brought up. I just hopes he realizes what he loss. I feel like I treated him very well. Which I brought up. I asked him why is it easier for him to like people who treat him bad vs. those who wouldn’t hurt him - he told me he’s effed up. So I guess that among many things are red flags. I thought dating a older man would be better - since you’d think they’re ready to settle, but I’ve learned that they’re pretty much set in their own ways and won’t change. 1
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