Just a Guy Posted November 30, 2017 Posted November 30, 2017 Hi Danika, how long have you and your BF been living together? How old are the two of you? From the way you write I am assuming you must be in your late twenties or early thirties but I could be wrong. With what you've written it seems there is a compatibility issue between you two. Also, if you have been living together for a long time then the newness of the relationship may have worn off and the two of you are prone to taking each other for granted. There is also the possibility that there may be a dwindling of the deep love that binds two people together and the adage 'Familiarity breeds contempt' may be at play here. If your BF does not love and respect you then the kind of behaviour he is displaying may be the obvious result. Some things to think about. Warm wishes. 1
Author Danika Posted November 30, 2017 Author Posted November 30, 2017 (edited) Hi Danika, how long have you and your BF been living together? How old are the two of you? From the way you write I am assuming you must be in your late twenties or early thirties but I could be wrong. With what you've written it seems there is a compatibility issue between you two. Also, if you have been living together for a long time then the newness of the relationship may have worn off and the two of you are prone to taking each other for granted. There is also the possibility that there may be a dwindling of the deep love that binds two people together and the adage 'Familiarity breeds contempt' may be at play here. If your BF does not love and respect you then the kind of behaviour he is displaying may be the obvious result. Some things to think about. Warm wishes. We've been living together a couple of years, in our 30's. What do you think the compatibility issue is? The thing is that we seem to oscillate between being really close and really far. When people see us together when we are feeling connected, they usually see two people who seem really in love and really good together. But the way we deal with conflict really drives us apart. I think it often starts with my anxiety... I am worried about something and I voice it to him. The way we discuss things makes me feel worse. Then in the aftermath, he has an easier time in the aftermath than I do... I tend to feel unsafe and really distant because it seems like the things that make me feel really loved and close stop. He thinks things are fine and it's normal that it's like that afterwards. I have a hard time if I feel things are not progressing. He says I'm "the one" and "the best" when I ask him if he still feels that way, but that we need to change things if we're going to work. That seems contradictory to me. I know it's hard to be romantic when we are distant (me probably moreso than him), but I guess I feel like I need to see that effort and really feel like he is still crazy about me to feel closer again. It just seems like everything stops - the planning of dates, compliments, talking about the future, spontaneous I love yous, good sex - after a fight. So how do we get close again if everything that makes us feel close stops? We will still cuddle and hang out but it's not the same. So it's like a viscous cycle we just can't get out of. Routine/boredom > talk about issues > less close / no romance > anxiety > less close/more issues > more anxiety Edited November 30, 2017 by Danika 1
travelbug1996 Posted December 2, 2017 Posted December 2, 2017 It sounds like he's trying to condition you to never bring up things that are of concern to you. That way you think all the feel goods will be present all the time "as long as you don't rock the boat". Its a form of control, subtle but control nonetheless. You should be able to talk about anything with your partner and not fear them withdrawing their love. Rock the ****ing boat! Pay attention to how you feel and act accordingly. You have to affirm yourself and never question what you deserve in a relationship. 2
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